Access expert-written guides and theatre resources. Join Today! It's Free!

The leading resource for theatre artists


Well, kiddies, that's what happened to T


Jeff Douglas


See more monologues from Alan Jay Lerner, Frederick Loewe


Age Range
Time Period
Show Type

Monologue Text

Well, kiddies, that's what happened to Tommy today. But, what about his friend Jeff? Well, he had fun too. Tonight he went running off through the woods after some highland hot-head who was gonna make all the people disappear by crossing the wrong street. Well after a while, Jeff thought he saw a bird perched low in a tree, and he shot at it. Something fell to the ground. He rushed over to it, and whaddya think it was? It was hot-head Harry. Yessir, the boy Dermish himself, lying there looking all dead....Now to kill somebody somewhere else in the world would've been an awful thing, but you see, Harry was a citizen of the little town that wasn't there, and he probably never lived in the first place. Chances are there weren't even any woods. In fact the whole day probably never even happened, because you see, this is a fairy tale...(angry) Dream stuff, boy, all made up outta broomsticks and wishing wells! It's either that or a boot camp for lunatics, I don't know what goes on around here. All I know is that whatever it is, it's got nothing to do with me and nothing to do with you! And anything that happens to either of us just doesn't count! How can it when you don't understand it? And you wanna give up your family, your friends, your whole life for this? It's not even worth arguing about. Now go say goodbye to the little people and thank them for the picnic!...You're confused aren't ya boy? You know, if you believed as much as you think you do, you wouldn't be.