(reads) Are you ever sorry you became a
See more monologues from Christopher Durang
The audience has recently been introduced to Sister Mary, an older, overzealous nun, who has taught
(reads) Are you ever sorry you became a nun? I am never sorry I became a nun. (reads) It used to be a mortal sin to eat meat on Fridays, and now it isn't. Does that mean that people who ate meat on Fridays back when it was a sin are in hell? Or what? People who ate meat on Fridays back when it was a mortal sin are indeed in hell if they did not confess the sin before they died. If they confessed it, they are not in hell, unless they did not confess some other mortal sin they committed. People who would eat meat on Fridays back in the 50s tended to be the sort who would commit other mortal sins, so on a guess, I bet many of them are in hell for other sins, even if they did confess the eating of meat. (reads) What exactly went on in Sodom? Who asked me this question? I'm going to talk about Sodom a bit. To answer your question, Sodom is where they committed acts of homosexuality and bestiality in the Old Testament, and God, infuriated by this, destroyed them all in one fell swoop. Modern day Sodoms are New York City, San Francisco, Amsterdam, Los Angeles,... well, basically anywhere where the population in over 50,000. The only reason that God has not destroyed these modern day Sodoms is that Catholic nuns and priests live in these cities, and God does not wish to destroy them. He does, however, give these people body lice and hepatitis. It's so hard to know why God allows wickedness to flourish. I guess it's because God wants man to choose goodness freely of his own free will; sometimes one wonders if free will is worth all the trouble if there's going to be so much evil and unhappiness, but God knows best, presumably. If it were up to me, I might be tempted to wipe out cities and civilizations, but luckily for New York and Amsterdam, I'm not God. (reads) Tell us some more about your family. I had 26 brothers and sisters. From my family 5 became priests, 7 became nuns, 3 became brothers, and the rest of them were institutionalized. My mother was also institutionalized shortly after she started thinking my father was Satan. Some days when we were little, we'd come home and not be able to find our mother and we'd pray to St. Anthony to help us find her. Then when we’d find her with her head in the oven, we would pray to St. Jude to make her sane again. Are all our prayers answered? Yes, they are; what people who ask that question often don’t realize is that sometimes the answer to our prayer is "no." Dear God, please make my mother not be crazy. God’s answer: no. Dear God, please let me recover from cancer. God’s answer: no. Dear God, please take away this toothache. God’s answer: alright, but you’re going to be run over by a car. But every bad thing that happens to us, God has a special reason for. God is the good shepherd, we are His flock. And if God is grouchy or busy with more important matters, his beloved mother Mary is always there to intercede for us. I shall now sing the Hail Mary in Latin.