Pseudolus

Enter CALIDORUS and PSEUDOLUS from SIMO'S house.

PSEUDOLUS

If, master, by your being silent, I could be in-formed what miseries are afflicting you so sadly, I would willingly have spared the trouble of two persons--of myself in asking you, and of yourself in answering me. Since, however, that cannot be, necessity compels me to enquire of you. Answer me: What's the reason that, out of spirits for these many days past, you've been carrying a letter about with you, washing it with your tears, and making no person the sharer of your purpose? Speak out, that what I am ignorant of, I may know together with yourself.

CALIDORUS

I am wretchedly miserable, Pseudolus.

PSEUDOLUS

May Jupiter forbid it!

CALIDORUS

This belongs not at all to the arbitration of Jupiter; under the sway of Venus am I harassed, not under that of Jove.

PSEUDOLUS

Is it allowable for me to know what it is? For hitherto you have had me as chief confidant in your plans.

CALIDORUS

The same is now my intention.

PSEUDOLUS

Let me know then what's the matter with you. I'll aid you either with resources, or with my efforts, or with good counsel.

CALIDORUS

Do you take this letter: do you thence inform yourself what misery and what care are wasting me away.

PSEUDOLUS

taking the letter . Compliance shall be given you. But, prithee, how's this?

CALIDORUS

What's the matter?

PSEUDOLUS

As I think, these letters are very loving; they are climbing on each other's backs.

CALIDORUS

Are you making sport of me with your foolery?

PSEUDOLUS

I' faith, I really do believe that unless the Sibyl can read them, nobody else can possibly interpret them.

CALIDORUS

Why speak you unkindly of those sweet letters-- sweet tablets too, written upon by a hand as sweet.

PSEUDOLUS

Troth now, have hens, prithee, such hands? For certainly a hen has written these letters.

CALIDORUS

You are annoying me. Either read it or return the letter.

PSEUDOLUS

Very well then, I'll read it through. Give me your attention.

CALIDORUS

That's not here.

PSEUDOLUS

Do you summon it then.

CALIDORUS

Well, I'll be silent; do you summon it from that wax there; for there my attention is at present, not in my breast.

PSEUDOLUS

I see your mistress, Calidorus.

CALIDORUS

Where is she, prithee?

PSEUDOLUS

See, here she is at full length in the letter; she's lying upon the wax.

CALIDORUS

Now, may the Gods and Goddesses, inasmuch----

PSEUDOLUS

Preserve me from harm, to wit.

CALIDORUS

For a short season have I been like a summer plant; suddenly have I sprung up, suddenly have I withered.

PSEUDOLUS

Be silent, while I read the letter through.

CALIDORUS

Why don't you read it then?

PSEUDOLUS

reading . " Phœnicium to her lover, Calidorus, by means of wax and string and letters, her exponents, sends health, and safety does she beg of you, weeping, and with palpitating feelings, heart, and breast."

CALIDORUS

I'm undone; I nowhere find, Pseudolus, this safety for me to send her back.

PSEUDOLUS

What safety?

CALIDORUS

A silver one.

PSEUDOLUS

And do you wish to send her back a silver safety for one on wood? Consider what you're about.

CALIDORUS

Read on now; I'll soon cause you to know from the letter how suddenly there's need for me for one of silver to be found.

PSEUDOLUS

reading on . "The procurer has sold me, my love, for twenty minæ, to a Macedonian officer from abroad. Before he departed hence, the Captain paid him fifteen minœ; only five minæ now are remaining unpaid. On that account the Captain left here a token--his own likeness impressed on wax by his ring--that he who should bring hither a token like to that, together with him the procurer might send me. The next day hence, on the Festival of Bacchus, is the one fixed for this matter."

CALIDORUS

Well, that's to-morrow; my ruin is near at hand, unless I have some help in you.

PSEUDOLUS

Let me read it through.

CALIDORUS

I permit you; for I seem to myself to be talking to her. Read on; the sweet and the hitter are you now mingling together for me.

PSEUDOLUS

reading on . "Now our loves, our tenderness, our intimacy, our mirth, our dalliance, our talking, our sweet kisses, the close embrace of us lovers equally fond, the soft, dear kisses impressed on our tender lips, the delicious pressing of the swelling bosom; of all these delights, I say, for me and for you as well, the severance, the destruction, and the downfal is at hand, unless there is some rescue for me in you or for you in me. I have taken care that you should know all these things that I have written; now shall I make trial how far you love me, and how far you pretend to do so."

CALIDORUS

'Tis written, Pseudolus, in wretchedness.

PSEUDOLUS

Alas! very wretchedly.

CALIDORUS

Why don't you weep, then?

PSEUDOLUS

I've eyes of pumice stone; I can't prevail upon them to squeeze out one tear even.

CALIDORUS

Why so?

PSEUDOLUS

My family was always a dryeyed one.

CALIDORUS

Won't you attempt to assist me at all?

PSEUDOLUS

What shall I do for you?

CALIDORUS

Alas!

PSEUDOLUS

Alas! do you say? Well, don't be sparing of them, i' faith; I'll give you plenty.

CALIDORUS

I'm distracted. I nowhere can find any money to borrow.

PSEUDOLUS

Alas!

CALIDORUS

Nor is there a single coin in the house.

PSEUDOLUS

Alas!

CALIDORUS

He's going to carry the damsel away to-morrow.

PSEUDOLUS

Alas!

CALIDORUS

Is it in that fashion that you help me?

PSEUDOLUS

I give you that which I have; for I've a perpetual supply of those treasures in my house.

CALIDORUS

It's all over with me this very day. But can you now lend me one drachma, which I'll pay you back to-morrow

PSEUDOLUS

I' faith, I hardly think I could, even though I should pawn myself for it. But what do you want to do with this drachma?

CALIDORUS

I want to purchase a halter for myself.

PSEUDOLUS

For what reason?

CALIDORUS

With which to hang myself. I'm determined, ere 'tis dark, to take a leap in the dark.

PSEUDOLUS

Who then shall pay me back my drachma * * * * ? Do you wish purposely to hang yourself for the very reason, that you may cheat mo out of my drachma if I lend it you?

CALIDORUS

At all events, I can in nowise survive if she's removed and carried off from me.

PSEUDOLUS

Why do you weep, you cuckoo? You shall survive.

CALIDORUS

Why should I not weep, who have neither a coin of silver in ready money, nor have the hope of a groat anywhere in the world?

PSEUDOLUS

As I understand the tenor of this letter, unless you weep for her with tears of silver, the affection which you wish yourself by those tears to prove is of no more value than if you were to pour water into a sieve. But have no fear, I'll not forsake you in your love. In troth, I do trust that this day, from some quarter or other, by my good aid I shall find you help in the money line. But whence that is to come,--that whence I know not how to pronounce; except only that so it shall be; my eyebrow twitches to that effect.

CALIDORUS

As to what you say, I trust that your deeds may be as good as your words.

PSEUDOLUS

I' faith, you surely know, if I set my plans a-going, after what fashion and how great is the bustle that I am in the habit of causing.

CALIDORUS

In you are now centred all the hopes of my existence.

PSEUDOLUS

Is it enough, if I this day make this damsel to be yours, or if I find you twenty minæ?

CALIDORUS

'Tis enough, if so it is to be.

PSEUDOLUS

Ask of me twenty minæ, that you may be assured that I'll procure for you that which I have promised. Ask them of me, by my troth, prithee do; I long to make the promise.

CALIDORUS

Will you this day find me twenty minæ of silver?

PSEUDOLUS

I will find them; be no more troublesome to me then. And this I tell you first, that you mayn't deny that it was told you; if I can no one else, I'll diddle your father out of the money.

CALIDORUS

So far as filial affection is concerned, even my mother as well. May the Gods always preserve you for me. But what if you are not able?

PSEUDOLUS

Upon that matter do you go to sleep with either eye.

CALIDORUS

With the eye or with the ear?

PSEUDOLUS

The latter is too common an expression. Now, that no one may affirm that it wasn't told him, I tell you all to the AUDIENCE , in the presence of the youths in this audience, and of all the people, to all my friends and all my acquaintances I give notice, that for this day they must guard against me, and not trust me.

CALIDORUS

Hist! be silent, prithee, by all the powers!

PSEUDOLUS

What's the matter?

CALIDORUS

There was a noise at the procurer's door.

PSEUDOLUS

I could only wish it were his legs in preference.

CALIDORUS

Yes, and he himself is coming out from in-doors, the perjured scoundrel. They stand at a distance.

Enter BALLIO, with several MALE and FEMALE SLAVES, from his house.

BALLIO

Get out, come, out with you, you rascals, kept at a loss and bought at a loss, in the minds of not one of whom aught ever comes to do aright, of whom I can't make a bit of use, unless I try it after this fashion. He flogs the men all round. At no time did I ever see human beings more like asses; so hardened are your ribs with stripes; when you flog them, you hurt yourself the most. Of such a disposition are these whipping-posts who follow this line of conduct; when the opportunity is given, pilfer, purloin, prig, plunder, drink, eat, and run away's the word. This is their method, so that you would choose rather to leave wolves among sheep, than these fellows on guard in your house. Yet, when you look at their appearance, they don't seem amiss; by their doings they deceive you. Now, therefore, unless you all of you give your attention to this charge, unless you remove drowsiness and sloth from your breasts and eyes, I'll make your sides to be right thoroughly marked with thongs, so much so that not even Campanian coverlets are coloured as well, nor yet Alexandrian tapestry of purple embroidered with beasts all over. Even yesterday I already gave you all notice, and assigned to each his own respective employment; but so utterly worthless are you, so neglectful, of such stub-born dispositions, that you compel me to put you in mind of your duty with a basting. You are so minded I suppose, to get the better of this scourge and myself through the hardness of your hides. Never, i' faith, will your hides prove harder, than is this cow-hide of mine. He dangles it before them. Do look at that, please; they are minding other matters. Attend to this, and give heed to this. He flogs one of them. How now? Does it pain? Ah, that's the way it's laid on when any slave slights his master. Stand all of you before me, you race of mortals born to be thrashed; turn your ears this way; give attention all of you to what I say. You fellow who are holding the pitcher, do you fetch the water; do you take care that the cauldron's full this instant. You, with the axe, I appoint over the wood-cutting department.

SLAVES of Ballio.

But this one is blunted on the edge.

BALLIO

Let it be so, then. And so are you yourselves with stripes; yet am I for that reason any the less to enjoy your services? My orders I give to you, that the house be made clean. You have what you are to do; make haste, and go in-doors. Exit FIRST SLAVE. Be you the one that makes the couches smooth. Do you wash the plate clean, and arrange it in order as well, Take care that when I return from the Forum, I find things done; that all be swept, sprinkled, scoured, made smooth, cleaned, and arranged in order. For this day is my birthday; it befits you all to celebrate it. Take care to lay the gammon of bacon, the brawn, the collared neck, and the udder, in water; do you hear me? I wish to entertain tip-top men in first-rate style, that they may fancy that I have property. Go you in-doors, and get these things ready quickly, that there may be no delay when the cook comes. I'm going to market, that I may make purchase of whatever fish is there. Boy, go you before me; I must have a care that no one cuts away my purse. Or wait there; there's something that I had almost forgotten to say at home. Do you hear me, you women? I have this charge for you--you, misses of distinction, who spend your time with illustrious men in refinements, luxury, and delights; now shall I know and make trial this day, which one has regard for her liberty, which for her appetite which thinks on her business, which on sleeping only: this day I'll make trial which I must think of as a freed-woman, and which as one to be sold. Take you care that many a present from your lovers comes in for me this day; for if your year's board isn't picked up for me, to-morrow I'll turn you adrift on the public. You know that this is my birthday; where are those youths, the apples of whose eyes you are, whose very existence, whose delight you are? Where are your kisses, where your bosoms sweet as honey? Make the bearers of presents to come here then, for my sake, before this house, in whole regiments. Why am I to find clothes for you, gold trinkets, and those things which you need? What have I, you jades, through your means, except vexation, you women, eager for nothing but the wine? You are a-soaking away yourselves and your paunches too, at the very time that I'm here a-dry. Now, therefore, this is the best thing to do; for me to call you each by her name, that no one of you may be declaring to me by-and-by that her business hasn't been told her. Give attention, all of you. In the first place, Hedylium, my business is with you--you, who are the favorite of the corn-merchants, men who have, all of them, immense mountains of wheat piled up at home; take you care that wheat is brought here for me, to suffice this year to come for myself and all my household, and that I may so abound in corn that the city may change my name for me, and instead of the procurer Ballio proclaim me King lasions.

CALIDORUS

apart . Do you hear what the gallows-bird is saying? * * * Doesn't he seem a regular boaster to you?

PSEUDOLUS

apart . I' troth the fellow does, and a wicked one as well. But hush now, and give attention to this.

BALLIO

Æschrodora, you who have for your patrons the butchers, those rivals of the procurers, who, just like ourselves, by false oaths seek their gains, do you listen; unless the three larders shall be crammed for me this day with carcases of ample weight, to-morrow, just as they say that formerly the two sons of Jupiter fastened Dirce to the bull, aye, this day as well, will I tie you up to the larder; that, in fact, shall be your bull.

CALIDORUS

apart . I'm quite enraged by the talk of this fellow; that we should suffer the youth of Attica to encourage here this fellow! Where are they--where are they skulking, they of mature age, who have their amorous dealings with this procurer? Why don't they meet? Why don't they one and all deliver the public from this pestilence? But I am very simple, and very ignorant; they would venture, of course, to do that to those, to whom their passions compel them, to their misfortune, to be subservient, and, at the same time, prevent them from doing that against them which they would rather wish to do.

PSEUDOLUS

apart . Hush! CAL. apart . What's the matter?

PSEUDOLUS

apart . Pshaw! you are not very obliging. Why are you drowning his talk by your noise?

CALIDORUS

apart . I'll be silent. PSEUD. apart . But I'd much rather you would be silent, than that you should say you will be silent.

BALLIO

And you, Xystilis, take you care and give me your attention--you whose fanciers have large quantities of oil at home. If oil shall not be brought me here forthwith in leathern bags, I'll to-morrow cause yourself to be carried off in a leathern bag to the prostitutes' shambles. There a bed shall be given you, I warrant, where you can have no rest, but where, even to downright fainting---- You understand what's the tendency of that which I'm saying? Will you tell me, you viper you, you who have so many of your fanciers so right well laden with their oil, is now the head of any one of your fellow-slaves a bit the better anointed by your means, or do I, myself, get my dainty morsels a bit the better seasoned with oil for it? But I understand-- you don't care much about oil; with wine you anoint yourself. Only wait a bit; by my troth I'll punish you for all at one spell, unless indeed this day you contrive to manage all these things that I've been speaking of. But as for you, Phœnicium, I tell you this, you pet of the mighty men--you who have been for so long a time always paying down to me your money for your liberty--you who only know how to promise, but don't know how to pay what you have promised; unless this day all your keep is brought me here out of the stores of your customers, to-morrow, Phœnicium, with a true Phœnician hide, you'll pay a visit to the strumpets' shambles. The SLAVES go into the house of BALLIO.

CALIDORUS and PSEUDOLUS come forward. BALLIO stands near his door.

CALIDORUS

Pseudolus, don't you hear what he says?

PSEUDOLUS

I hear it, master, and I give good heed.

CALIDORUS

What do you advise me to send him, that he mayn't devote my mistress to dishonor?

PSEUDOLUS

Don't you trouble yourself about that; be of cheerful mind. I'll manage for myself and for you. For some time past I've been on terms of goodwill with him, and he with me; and our friendship is of old standing. I'll send him this day, on his birthday, a mischief heavy and well-matured.

CALIDORUS

What's the plan?

PSEUDOLUS

Can't you attend to something else?

CALIDORUS

But----

PSEUDOLUS

Tut.

CALIDORUS

I'm distracted.

PSEUDOLUS

Harden your heart.

CALIDORUS

I cannot.

PSEUDOLUS

Make yourself to can.

CALIDORUS

By what means, pray, can I prevail upon my feelings?

PSEUDOLUS

Carry you out that which is to your advantage, rather than give heed with your feelings to the thing that's disadvantageous.

CALIDORUS

That's nonsense; there is no pleasure, unless a lover acts like a fool.

PSEUDOLUS

Do you persist?

CALIDORUS

O my dear Pseudolus, let me be undone--do let me, please.

PSEUDOLUS

I'll let you; only let me go. Going.

CALIDORUS

Stay, stay. As you shall, then, wish me to be, so will I be.

PSEUDOLUS

Now, at last, you are in your senses.

BALLIO

coming forward from the door of his house to the other side of the stage . The day is passing; I'm causing delay to myself. Boy, do you go before me. Moves as if going.

CALIDORUS

Hallo there! he's going; why don't you call him back?

PSEUDOLUS

Why in such a hurry? Gently.

CALIDORUS

But before he's gone.

BALLIO

Why the plague do you go so slowly, boy?

PSEUDOLUS

You born on this day, hallo! you born on this day; I'm calling to you; hallo! you born on this day, come you back and look at us. Although you are busy, we want you; stop--it's because some persons want to speak to you.

BALLIO

What's this? Who is it, when I'm busy, causes me unseasonable delay?

PSEUDOLUS

He that has been your supporter.

BALLIO

He's dead that has been; only he that is, is now alive.

PSEUDOLUS

You are too saucy.

BALLIO

You are too troublesome. Turns away to go on.

CALIDORUS

Seize the fellow: follow him up.

BALLIO

Go on, boy.

PSEUDOLUS

Let's go and meet him this way. They run and stand before him.

BALLIO

May Jupiter confound you, whoever you are.

PSEUDOLUS

That for yourself I wish.

BALLIO

And for both of you do I. Turn you this way, boy. Takes another direction.

PSEUDOLUS

May we not speak with you?

BALLIO

Why, it doesn't please me.

PSEUDOLUS

But if it's something to your advantage?

BALLIO

Am I allowed to go away, pray, or am I not?

PSEUDOLUS

Pshaw! Stop. Catches hold of him. BAL. Let me go.

CALIDORUS

Ballio, listen.

BALLIO

I'm deaf.

CALIDORUS

Really, you are uncivil.

BALLIO

You are a chatterer of nonsense.

CALIDORUS

I gave you money so long as I had it.

BALLIO

I'm not asking what you gave.

CALIDORUS

I'll give you some when I have it.

BALLIO

When you have it, bring it to me.

CALIDORUS

Alas, alas! In what a foolish fashion have I lavished what I brought to you, and what I gave you.

BALLIO

Your wealth defunct, you now are talking about it; you are a simpleton, a cause that has been tried you are trying over again.

PSEUDOLUS

At least consider him, who he is.

BALLIO

I've known for a long time now who he was; who he now is, let him know himself. Do you walk on to the BOY .

PSEUDOLUS

And can't you, Ballio, only once give a look this way for your own profit?

BALLIO

At that price I'll give a look; for if I were sacrificing to supreme Jupiter, and were presenting the entrails in my hands to lay them on the altar, if in the meanwhile anything in the way of profit were offered, I should in preference forsake the sacrifice. There's no being able to resist that sort of piety, however other things go.

PSEUDOLUS

aside . The very Gods, whom it is especially our duty to reverence--them he esteems of little value.

BALLIO

I'll speak to him. Hail to you, right heartily, the very vilest slave in Athens.

PSEUDOLUS

May the Gods and Goddesses favour you, Ballio, both at his wish and at my own; or, if you are deserving of other terms, let them neither favour nor bless you.

BALLIO

What's the matter, Calidorus?

CALIDORUS

Love and pinching want are the matter.

BALLIO

I would pity you, if, upon pity I could support my establishment.

PSEUDOLUS

Aye, aye, we know you quite well, what sort of character you are; don't be proclaiming it. But do you know what we want?

BALLIO

I' faith, I know it pretty nearly; that there may be something unfortunate for me.

PSEUDOLUS

Both to that and this for which we called you back, prithee do give your attention.

BALLIO

I am attending; but compress into a few words what you want, as I'm busy now.

PSEUDOLUS

He pointing to CALIDORUS is quite ashamed about what he promised you, and the day for which he promised it, that he hasn't even yet paid you those twenty minæ for his mistress.

BALLIO

That which we are ashamed at is much more easily endured than that which we are vexed at. At not having paid the money, he is ashamed; I, because I have not received it, am vexed.

PSEUDOLUS

Still, he'll pay it, he'll procure it; do you only wait some days to come. But he has been afraid of this, that you'll sell her on account of his embarrassment.

BALLIO

He had an opportunity, had he wished, of paying the money long ago.

CALIDORUS

What if I had it not?

BALLIO

If you had been in love, you would have found it on loan. You would have gone to the usurer; you would have paid the interest; or else you would have pilfered it from your father.

PSEUDOLUS

Ought he to have pilfered it from his father, you most shameless villain? There is no fear that you'll point out to him anything that's right.

BALLIO

That's not like a procurer.

CALIDORUS

And could I possibly pilfer anything from my father, an old man so much on his guard? And besides, if I could do so, filial affection forbids.

BALLIO

I understand you; do you then at night embrace filial affection in place of Phœnicium. But since I see you prefer your filial affection to your love--are all men your fathers? Is there no one for you to ask to lend you some money?

CALIDORUS

Why, the very name of lending's dead and gone by this.

PSEUDOLUS

Look you now; since, i' faith, those fellows arose from the banker's table, with a filled skin, who, when they called in their own, paid what they had borrowed to no born creature, since then, I say, all people have been more cautious not to trust another.

CALIDORUS

Most wretched am I; nowhere am I able to find a coin of silver; so distractedly am I perishing both through love and want of money.

BALLIO

Buy oil on credit, and sell it for ready money; then, i' faith, even two hundred minæ ready money might be raised.

CALIDORUS

There I'm done; the twenty-five year old law founders me. All are afraid to trust me.

BALLIO

The same law have I. I'm afraid to trust you.

PSEUDOLUS

To trust him, indeed! How now, do you repent of the great profit he has been to you?

BALLIO

No lover is a profitable one, except him who keeps continually making presents. Either let him be always giving, or when he has nothing, let him at the same time cease to be in love.

CALIDORUS

And don't you pity me at all?

BALLIO

You come empty-handed; words don't chink. But I wish you life and health.

PSEUDOLUS

Heyday! Is he dead already?

BALLIO

However he is, to me indeed, at all events, with these speeches, he is dead. Then, does a lover really live, when he comes begging to a procurer? Do you always come to me with a complaint that brings its money. As for that, which you are now lamenting about, that you have got no money, complain of it to your stepmother.

PSEUDOLUS

Why, have you ever been married to his father, pray?

BALLIO

May the Gods grant better things.

PSEUDOLUS

Do what we ask you, Ballio, on my credit, if you are afraid to trust him. Within the next three days, from some quarter, in some way, either by land or sea, I'll rout up this money for you.

BALLIO

I, trust you?

PSEUDOLUS

Why not?

BALLIO

Because, i' faith, on the same principle that I trust you, on that principle I should tie a run-away dog to a lamb's fry.

CALIDORUS

Is the obligation thus ungratefully returned by you to me, who have deserved so well of you?

BALLIO

What do you want now?

CALIDORUS

That you will only wait these six days of the Feast, and will not sell her or prove the death of the person who loves her.

BALLIO

Be of good courage; I'll wait six months even.

CALIDORUS

Capital--most delightful man!

BALLIO

Aye; and do you wish, too, that from joyful I should make you even more joyous?

CALIDORUS

How so?

BALLIO

Why, because I've got no Phœnicium to sell.

CALIDORUS

Not got her?

BALLIO

I' faith, not I, indeed.

CALIDORUS

Pseudolus, go fetch the sacrifice, the victims, the sacrificers, that I may make offering to this supreme Jove. For this Jupiter is now much more mighty to me than is Jupiter himself.

BALLIO

I want no victims; with the entrails of minæ I wish to be appeased.

CALIDORUS

to PSEUDOLUS . Make haste. Why do you hesitate? Go fetch the lambs; do you hear what Jupiter says?

PSEUDOLUS

I'll be here this moment; but first I must run as far as beyond the gate.

CALIDORUS

Why thither?

PSEUDOLUS

I'll fetch two sacrificers thence, with their bells; at the same time I'll fetch thence two bundles of elm twigs, that this day a sufficiency may be provided for the sacrifice to this Jove.

BALLIO

Away to utter perdition.

PSEUDOLUS

Thither shall the pimping Jupiter go.

BALLIO

It isn't for your interest that I should die.

PSEUDOLUS

How so?

BALLIO

This way; because, if I'm dead, there will be no one worse than yourself in Athens. For your interest to CALIDORUS it is that I should die.

CALIDORUS

How so?

BALLIO

I'll tell you; because, i' faith, so long as I shall be alive, you'll never be a man well to do.

CALIDORUS

Troth now, prithee, in serious truth, tell me this that I ask you--have you not got my mistress, Phœnicium, on sale?

BALLIO

By my faith, I really have not; for I've now sold her already.

CALIDORUS

In what way?

BALLIO

Without her trappings, with all her inwards.

CALIDORUS

What? Have you sold my mistress?

BALLIO

Decidedly; for twenty minæ.

CALIDORUS

For twenty minæ?

BALLIO

Or, in other words, for four times five minæ, whichever you please, to a Macedonian Captain; and I've already got fifteen of the minæ at home.

CALIDORUS

What is it that I hear of you?

BALLIO

That your mistress has been turned into money.

CALIDORUS

Why did you dare to do so?

BALLIO

'Twas my pleasure; she was my own.

CALIDORUS

Hallo! Pseudolus. Run, fetch me a sword.

PSEUDOLUS

What need is there of a sword?

CALIDORUS

With which to kill this fellow this instant, and then myself.

PSEUDOLUS

But why not kill yourself only rather? For famine will soon be killing him.

CALIDORUS

What do you say, most perjured of men as many as are living upon the earth? Did you not take an oath that you would sell her to no person besides myself?

BALLIO

I confess it.

CALIDORUS

In solemn form, to wit.

BALLIO

Aye, and well considered too.

CALIDORUS

You have proved perjured, you villain.

BALLIO

I sacked the money at home, however. Villain as I am, I am now able to draw upon a stock of silver in my house; whereas you who are so dutiful, and born of that grand family, haven't a single coin.

CALIDORUS

Pseudolus, stand by him on the other side and load this fellow with imprecations.

PSEUDOLUS

Very well. Never would I run to the Prætor with equal speed that I might be made free. Stands on the other side of BALLIO.

CALIDORUS

Heap on him a multitude of curses.

PSEUDOLUS

Now will I publish you with my rebukes. Thou lackshame!

BALLIO

'Tis the fact.

PSEUDOLUS

Villain!

BALLIO

You say the truth.

PSEUDOLUS

Whipping-post!

BALLIO

Why not?

PSEUDOLUS

Robber of tombs!

BALLIO

No doubt.

PSEUDOLUS

Gallows-bird!

BALLIO

Very well done.

PSEUDOLUS

Cheater of your friends!

BALLIO

That's in my way.

PSEUDOLUS

Parricide!

BALLIO

Proceed, you.

CALIDORUS

Committer of sacrilege!

BALLIO

I own it.

CALIDORUS

Perjurer!

BALLIO

You're telling nothing new.

CALIDORUS

Lawbreaker!

BALLIO

Very much so.

PSEUDOLUS

Pest of youth!

BALLIO

Most severely said.

CALIDORUS

Thief!

BALLIO

Oh! wonderful!

PSEUDOLUS

Vagabond!

BALLIO

Pooh! pooh!

CALIDORUS

Defrauder of the public!

BALLIO

Most decidedly so.

PSEUDOLUS

Cheating scoundrel!

CALIDORUS

Filthy pander!

PSEUDOLUS

Lump of filth!

BALLIO

A capital chorus.

CALIDORUS

You beat your father and mother.

BALLIO

Aye, and killed them, too, rather than find them food; did I do wrong at all?

PSEUDOLUS

We are pouring our words into a pierced cask: we are losing our pains.

BALLIO

Would you like to call me anything else besides?

CALIDORUS

Is there anything that shames you?

BALLIO

Yes; that you have been found to be a lover as empty as a rotten nut. But although you have used towards me expressions many and harsh, unless the Captain shall bring me this day the five minæ that he owes me, as this was the last day appointed for the payment of that money, if he doesn't bring it, I think that I am able to do my duty.

CALIDORUS

What is that duty?

BALLIO

If you bring the money, I'll break faith with him; that's my duty. If it were more worth my while, I would talk further with you. But, without a coin of money, 'tis in vain that you request me to have pity upon you. Such is my determination; but do you, from this, consider what you have henceforth to do? Moves.

CALIDORUS

Are you going then?

BALLIO

At present I am full of business. (Exit.)

PSEUDOLUS

Before long you'll be more so. That man is my own, unless all Gods and men forsake me. I'll bone him just in the same fashion that a cook does a lamprey. Now, Calidorus, I wish you to give me your attention.

CALIDORUS

What do you bid me do?

PSEUDOLUS

I wish to lay siege to this town, that this day it may be taken. For that purpose, I have need of an artful, clever, knowing, and crafty fellow, who may despatch out of hand what he is ordered, not one to go to sleep upon his watch.

CALIDORUS

Tell me, then, what you are going to do?

PSEUDOLUS

In good time I'll let you know. I don't care for it to be repeated twice; stories are made too long that way.

CALIDORUS

You plead what's very fair and very just.

PSEUDOLUS

Make haste; bring the fellow hither quickly.

CALIDORUS

Out of many, there are but few friends that are to be depended upon by a person.

PSEUDOLUS

I know that; therefore, get for yourself now a choice of both, and seek out of these many one that can be depended upon.

CALIDORUS

I'll have him here this instant.

PSEUDOLUS

Can't you be off then? You create delay for yourself by your talking. (Exit CALIDORUS.)

PSEUDOLUS, alone.

PSEUDOLUS

Since he has gone hence, you are now standing alone, Pseudolus. What are you to do now, after you have so largely promised costly delights to your master's son by your speeches? You, for whom not even one drop of sure counsel is ready, nor yet of silver * * * * nor have you where first you must begin your undertaking, nor yet fixed limits for finishing off your web. But just as the poet, when he has taken up his tablets, seeks what nowhere in the world exists, and still finds it, and makes that like truth which really is a fiction; now I'll become a poet; twenty minæ, which no-where in the world are now existing, still will I find. And some time since had I said that I would find them for him, and I had attempted to throw a net over our old gentleman; however, by what means I know not, he perceived it beforehand. But my voice and my talking must be stopped; for, see! I perceive my master, Simo, coming this way, together with his neighbour, Callipho. Out of this old sepulchre will I dig twenty minæ this day, to give them to my master's son. Now I'll step aside here, that I may pick up their conversation. He stands apart.

Enter SIMO and CALLIPHO.

SIMO

If now a Dictator were to be appointed at Athens of Attica out of the spendthrifts or out of the gallants, I do think that no one would surpass my son. For now the only talk of all throughout the city is to the effect that he is trying to set his mistress free, and is seeking after money for that purpose. Some people bring me word of this; and, in fact, I had long ago perceived it, and had suspected it, but I dissembled on it.

PSEUDOLUS

apart . Already is his son suspected by him; this affair is nipt in the bud, this business is at a stand-still. The way is now entirely blocked up against me, by which I had intended to go a-foraging for the money. He has perceived it beforehand. There's no booty for the marauders.

CALLIPHO

Those men who carry about and who listen to accusations, should all be hanged, if so it could be at my decision, the carriers by their tongues, the listeners by their ears. For these things that are told you, that your son in his amour is desirous to chouse you out of money, the chance is that these things so told you are all lies. But sappose they are true, as habits are, now-a-days especially, what has he done so surprising? What new thing, if a young man does love, and if he does liberate his mistress?

PSEUDOLUS

apart . A delightful old gentleman.

SIMO

I don't wish him to follow the old-fashioned habits.

CALLIPHO

But still, in vain do you object; or you yourself shouldn't have done the like in your youthful days. It befits the father to be immaculate, who wishes his son to be more immaculate than he has been himself. But the mischief and the profligacy you were guilty of might have been distributed throughout the whole population, a share for each man. Are you surprised at it, if the son does take after the father?

PSEUDOLUS

apart . O Zeus, Zeus! how few in number are you considerate men. See, that's being a father to a son, just as is proper.

SIMO

Who is it that's speaking here? Looking round. Why, surely 'tis my servant Pseudolus. 'Tis he corrupts my son, the wicked scoundrel; he is his leader, he his tutor. I long for him to be put to extreme torture.

CALLIPHO

This is folly now, thus to keep your anger in readiness. How much better were it to accost him with kind words and to make all enquiries, whether these things are true or not that they tell you of?

SIMO

I'll take your advice.

PSEUDOLUS

apart . They are making towards you, Pseudolus; prepare your speech to meet the old fellow. Good courage in a bad case is half the evil got over. Aloud, as he advances to meet them. First, I salute my master, as is proper; and alter that, if anything is left, that I bestow upon his neighbour.

SIMO

Good day to you. What are you about?

PSEUDOLUS

About standing here in this fashion assuming an attitude .

SIMO

See the attitude of the fellow, Callipho; how like that of a man of rank.

CALLIPHO

I consider that he is standing properly and with boldness.

PSEUDOLUS

It befits a servant innocent and guileless, as he is, to be bold, most especially before his master.

CALLIPHO

There are some things about which we wish to inquire of you, which we ourselves know and have heard of as though through a cloud of mist.

SIMO

He'll manage you now with his speeches, so that you shall think it isn't Pseudolus but Socrates that's talking to you. What do you say?

PSEUDOLUS

For a long time you have held me in contempt, I know. I see that you have but little confidence in me. You wish me to be a villain; still, I will be of strict honesty.

SIMO

Take care, please, and make the recesses of your ears free, Pseudolus, that my words may be enabled to enter where I desire.

PSEUDOLUS

Come, say anything you please, although I am angry at you.

SIMO

What, you, a slave, angry at me your master?

PSEUDOLUS

And does that seem wonderful to you?

SIMO

Why, by my troth, according to what you say, I must be on my guard against you in your anger, and you are thinking of beating me in no other way than I am wont to beat yourself. What do you think? To CALLIPHO.

CALLIPHO

I' faith, I think that he's angry with good reason, since you have so little confidence in him.

SIMO

I'll leave him alone then. Let him be angry: I'll take care that he shall do me no harm. But what do you say? What as to that which I was asking you?

PSEUDOLUS

If you want anything, ask me. What I know, do you consider given you as a response at Delphi.

SIMO

Give your attention then, and take care and please mind your promise. What do you say? Do you know that my son is in love with a certain music-girl?

PSEUDOLUS

Yea, verily.

SIMO

Whom he is trying to make free?

PSEUDOLUS

Yea, verily and indeed.

SIMO

And you are scheming by cajolery and by cunning tricks to get twenty minæ in ready money out of me?

PSEUDOLUS

I, get them out of you?

SIMO

Just so; to give them to my son, with which to liberate his mistress. Do you confess it? Speak out.

PSEUDOLUS

Yea, verily; yea, verily.

SIMO

He confesses it. Didn't I tell you so just now, Callipho?

CALLIPHO

So I remember.

SIMO

Why, directly you knew of these things, were they kept concealed from me? Why wasn't I made acquainted with them?

PSEUDOLUS

I'll tell you: because I was unwilling that a bad custom should originate in me, for a servant to accuse his master before his master.

SIMO

Wouldn't you order this fellow to be dragged head first to the treadmills?

CALLIPHO

Has he done anything amiss, Simo?

SIMO

Yes, very much so.

PSEUDOLUS

to CALLIPHO . Be quiet, I quite well understand my own affairs, Callipho. Is this a fault? Now then, give your attention to the reason why I you kept ignorant of this amour. I knew that the treadmill was close at hand, if I told you.

SIMO

And didn't you know, as well, that the treadmill would be close at hand when you kept silent on it?

PSEUDOLUS

I did know it.

SIMO

Why wasn't it told me?

PSEUDOLUS

The one evil was close at hand, the other at a greater distance; the one was at the moment, the other was a few days off.

SIMO

What will you be doing now? For assuredly the money cannot be got in this quarter out of me, who have especially detected it. I shall forthwith give notice to all that no one is to trust him the money.

PSEUDOLUS

I' faith, I'll never go begging to any person, so long, at all events, as you shall be alive; troth, you shall find me the money; and as for me, I shall take it from you.

SIMO

You, take it from me?

PSEUDOLUS

Undoubtedly.

SIMO

Troth, now, knock out my eye, if I do find it.

PSEUDOLUS

You shall provide it. I warn you then to be on your guard against me.

SIMO

By my troth, I know this for sure; if you do take it away, you will have done a wonderful and a great exploit.

PSEUDOLUS

I will do it, however.

SIMO

But if you don't carry it off?

PSEUDOLUS

Then flog me with rods. But what if I do carry it off?

SIMO

I give you Jupiter as your witness, that you shall pass your life free from punishment.

PSEUDOLUS

Take care and remember that.

SIMO

Could I possibly be unable to be on my guard, who am forewarned?

PSEUDOLUS

I forewarn you to be on your guard. I say you must be on your guard, I tell you. Keep watch. Look, now, with those same hands will you this day give me the money

SIMO

By my troth, 'tis a clever mortal if he keeps his word.

PSEUDOLUS

Carry me away to be your slave if I don't do it.

SIMO

You speak kindly and obligingly; for at present you are not mine, I suppose.

PSEUDOLUS

Would you like me to tell you, too, what you will still more wonder at?

SIMO

Come, then; i' faith, I long to hear it; I listen to you with pleasure.

PSEUDOLUS

Before I fight that battle, I shall first fight another battle, famous and memorable.

SIMO

What battle?

PSEUDOLUS

Why, with the procurer your neighbour; by means of stratagem and artful tricks, I'l cleverly bamboozle the procurer out of this music-girl, with whom your son is so desperately in love; and I surely will have both of these things effected this very day, before the evening.

SIMO

Well, if you accomplish these tasks as you say, you will surpass in might King Agathocles. But if you don't do it, is there any reason why I shouldn't forthwith put you in the treadmill?

PSEUDOLUS

Not for one day, but, i' faith, for all, whatever the time. But if I effect it, will you not at once give me the money of your own free will for me to pay to the procurer?

CALLIPHO

Pseudolus is making a fair claim; say "I'll give it."

SIMO

But still, do you know what comes into my mind? Suppose they have made an arrangement, Callipho, among themselves, or are acting in concert, and on a preconcerted plan, to bamboozle me out of the money?

PSEUDOLUS

Who would be more audacious than myself, if I dared to do such an action? Well, Simo, if we are thus in collusion, or have ever arranged any plan, do you mark me quite all over with elm-tree stripes, just as when letters are written in a book with a reed.

SIMO

Now then, proclaim the games as soon as you please.

PSEUDOLUS

Give me your attention, Callipho, I beg you, for this day, so that you may not any way employ yourself upon other business.

CALLIPHO

Why, now, I had made up my mind yesterday to go into the country.

PSEUDOLUS

Still, do you now change the plan which you had resolved upon.

CALLIPHO

I am now resolved not to go away on account of this; I have an inclination to be a spectator of your games, Pseudolus; and if I shall find that he doesn't give you the money which he has promised, rather than it shouldn't be done, I'll give it.

SIMO

I shall not change my purpose.

PSEUDOLUS

Because, by my faith, if you don't give it, you shall be dunned for it with clamour great and plenteous. Come, now, move yourselves off hence into the house this instant, and in turn give room for my tricks.

SIMO

Be it so.

CALLIPHO

You may have your way,

PSEUDOLUS

But I want you to keep close at home.

SIMO

Well, that assistance I promise you.

CALLIPHO

But I shall be off to the Forum. I'll be back here presently. Exit CALLIPHO. SIMO goes into his house.

PSEUDOLUS

Be back directly. To the AUDIENCE. I have a suspicion, now, that you are suspecting that I have been promising these so great exploits to these persons for the purpose of amusing you, while I am acting this play, and that I shall not do that which I said I will do. I will not change my design; so far as that then I know for certain; by what means I'm to carry it out not at all do I know as yet; only this, that so it shall be. For he that appears upon the stage in a new character, him it befits to bring something that is new. If he cannot do that, let him give place to him who can. I am inclined to go hence into the house for some little time, while I summon together all my stratagems in my mind. Meanwhile this piper shall entertain you. Goes into the house of SIMO, and the PIPER strikes up a tune.

Enter BALLIO, with several MALE and FEMALE SLAVES, from his house.

BALLIO

Get out, come, out with you, you rascals, kept at a loss and bought at a loss, in the minds of not one of whom aught ever comes to do aright, of whom I can't make a bit of use, unless I try it after this fashion. He flogs the men all round. At no time did I ever see human beings more like asses; so hardened are your ribs with stripes; when you flog them, you hurt yourself the most. Of such a disposition are these whipping-posts who follow this line of conduct; when the opportunity is given, pilfer, purloin, prig, plunder, drink, eat, and run away's the word. This is their method, so that you would choose rather to leave wolves among sheep, than these fellows on guard in your house. Yet, when you look at their appearance, they don't seem amiss; by their doings they deceive you. Now, therefore, unless you all of you give your attention to this charge, unless you remove drowsiness and sloth from your breasts and eyes, I'll make your sides to be right thoroughly marked with thongs, so much so that not even Campanian coverlets are coloured as well, nor yet Alexandrian tapestry of purple embroidered with beasts all over. Even yesterday I already gave you all notice, and assigned to each his own respective employment; but so utterly worthless are you, so neglectful, of such stub-born dispositions, that you compel me to put you in mind of your duty with a basting. You are so minded I suppose, to get the better of this scourge and myself through the hardness of your hides. Never, i' faith, will your hides prove harder, than is this cow-hide of mine. He dangles it before them. Do look at that, please; they are minding other matters. Attend to this, and give heed to this. He flogs one of them. How now? Does it pain? Ah, that's the way it's laid on when any slave slights his master. Stand all of you before me, you race of mortals born to be thrashed; turn your ears this way; give attention all of you to what I say. You fellow who are holding the pitcher, do you fetch the water; do you take care that the cauldron's full this instant. You, with the axe, I appoint over the wood-cutting department.

SLAVES of Ballio.

But this one is blunted on the edge.

BALLIO

Let it be so, then. And so are you yourselves with stripes; yet am I for that reason any the less to enjoy your services? My orders I give to you, that the house be made clean. You have what you are to do; make haste, and go in-doors. Exit FIRST SLAVE. Be you the one that makes the couches smooth. Do you wash the plate clean, and arrange it in order as well, Take care that when I return from the Forum, I find things done; that all be swept, sprinkled, scoured, made smooth, cleaned, and arranged in order. For this day is my birthday; it befits you all to celebrate it. Take care to lay the gammon of bacon, the brawn, the collared neck, and the udder, in water; do you hear me? I wish to entertain tip-top men in first-rate style, that they may fancy that I have property. Go you in-doors, and get these things ready quickly, that there may be no delay when the cook comes. I'm going to market, that I may make purchase of whatever fish is there. Boy, go you before me; I must have a care that no one cuts away my purse. Or wait there; there's something that I had almost forgotten to say at home. Do you hear me, you women? I have this charge for you--you, misses of distinction, who spend your time with illustrious men in refinements, luxury, and delights; now shall I know and make trial this day, which one has regard for her liberty, which for her appetite which thinks on her business, which on sleeping only: this day I'll make trial which I must think of as a freed-woman, and which as one to be sold. Take you care that many a present from your lovers comes in for me this day; for if your year's board isn't picked up for me, to-morrow I'll turn you adrift on the public. You know that this is my birthday; where are those youths, the apples of whose eyes you are, whose very existence, whose delight you are? Where are your kisses, where your bosoms sweet as honey? Make the bearers of presents to come here then, for my sake, before this house, in whole regiments. Why am I to find clothes for you, gold trinkets, and those things which you need? What have I, you jades, through your means, except vexation, you women, eager for nothing but the wine? You are a-soaking away yourselves and your paunches too, at the very time that I'm here a-dry. Now, therefore, this is the best thing to do; for me to call you each by her name, that no one of you may be declaring to me by-and-by that her business hasn't been told her. Give attention, all of you. In the first place, Hedylium, my business is with you--you, who are the favorite of the corn-merchants, men who have, all of them, immense mountains of wheat piled up at home; take you care that wheat is brought here for me, to suffice this year to come for myself and all my household, and that I may so abound in corn that the city may change my name for me, and instead of the procurer Ballio proclaim me King lasions.

CALIDORUS

apart . Do you hear what the gallows-bird is saying? * * * Doesn't he seem a regular boaster to you?

PSEUDOLUS

apart . I' troth the fellow does, and a wicked one as well. But hush now, and give attention to this.

BALLIO

Æschrodora, you who have for your patrons the butchers, those rivals of the procurers, who, just like ourselves, by false oaths seek their gains, do you listen; unless the three larders shall be crammed for me this day with carcases of ample weight, to-morrow, just as they say that formerly the two sons of [Jupiter] fastened Dirce to the bull, aye, this day as well, will I tie you up to the larder; that, in fact, shall be your bull.

CALIDORUS

apart . I'm quite enraged by the talk of this fellow; that we should suffer the youth of [Attica] to encourage here this fellow! Where are they--where are they skulking, they of mature age, who have their amorous dealings with this procurer? Why don't they meet? Why don't they one and all deliver the public from this pestilence? But I am very simple, and very ignorant; they would venture, of course, to do that to those, to whom their passions compel them, to their misfortune, to be subservient, and, at the same time, prevent them from doing that against them which they would rather wish to do.

PSEUDOLUS

apart . Hush! CAL. apart . What's the matter?

PSEUDOLUS

apart . Pshaw! you are not very obliging. Why are you drowning his talk by your noise?

CALIDORUS

apart . I'll be silent. PSEUD. apart . But I'd much rather you would be silent, than that you should say you will be silent.

BALLIO

And you, Xystilis, take you care and give me your attention--you whose fanciers have large quantities of oil at home. If oil shall not be brought me here forthwith in leathern bags, I'll to-morrow cause yourself to be carried off in a leathern bag to the prostitutes' shambles. There a bed shall be given you, I warrant, where you can have no rest, but where, even to downright fainting---- You understand what's the tendency of that which I'm saying? Will you tell me, you viper you, you who have so many of your fanciers so right well laden with their oil, is now the head of any one of your fellow-slaves a bit the better anointed by your means, or do I, myself, get my dainty morsels a bit the better seasoned with oil for it? But I understand-- you don't care much about oil; with wine you anoint yourself. Only wait a bit; by my troth I'll punish you for all at one spell, unless indeed this day you contrive to manage all these things that I've been speaking of. But as for you, Phœnicium, I tell you this, you pet of the mighty men--you who have been for so long a time always paying down to me your money for your liberty--you who only know how to promise, but don't know how to pay what you have promised; unless this day all your keep is brought me here out of the stores of your customers, to-morrow, Phœnicium, with a true Phœnician hide, you'll pay a visit to the strumpets' shambles. The SLAVES go into the house of BALLIO.

CALIDORUS and PSEUDOLUS come forward. BALLIO stands near his door.

CALIDORUS

Pseudolus, don't you hear what he says?

PSEUDOLUS

I hear it, master, and I give good heed.

CALIDORUS

What do you advise me to send him, that he mayn't devote my mistress to dishonor?

PSEUDOLUS

Don't you trouble yourself about that; be of cheerful mind. I'll manage for myself and for you. For some time past I've been on terms of goodwill with him, and he with me; and our friendship is of old standing. I'll send him this day, on his birthday, a mischief heavy and well-matured.

CALIDORUS

What's the plan?

PSEUDOLUS

Can't you attend to something else?

CALIDORUS

But----

PSEUDOLUS

Tut.

CALIDORUS

I'm distracted.

PSEUDOLUS

Harden your heart.

CALIDORUS

I cannot.

PSEUDOLUS

Make yourself to can.

CALIDORUS

By what means, pray, can I prevail upon my feelings?

PSEUDOLUS

Carry you out that which is to your advantage, rather than give heed with your feelings to the thing that's disadvantageous.

CALIDORUS

That's nonsense; there is no pleasure, unless a lover acts like a fool.

PSEUDOLUS

Do you persist?

CALIDORUS

O my dear Pseudolus, let me be undone--do let me, please.

PSEUDOLUS

I'll let you; only let me go. Going.

CALIDORUS

Stay, stay. As you shall, then, wish me to be, so will I be.

PSEUDOLUS

Now, at last, you are in your senses.

BALLIO

coming forward from the door of his house to the other side of the stage . The day is passing; I'm causing delay to myself. Boy, do you go before me. Moves as if going.

CALIDORUS

Hallo there! he's going; why don't you call him back?

PSEUDOLUS

Why in such a hurry? Gently.

CALIDORUS

But before he's gone.

BALLIO

Why the plague do you go so slowly, boy?

PSEUDOLUS

You born on this day, hallo! you born on this day; I'm calling to you; hallo! you born on this day, come you back and look at us. Although you are busy, we want you; stop--it's because some persons want to speak to you.

BALLIO

What's this? Who is it, when I'm busy, causes me unseasonable delay?

PSEUDOLUS

He that has been your supporter.

BALLIO

He's dead that has been; only he that is, is now alive.

PSEUDOLUS

You are too saucy.

BALLIO

You are too troublesome. Turns away to go on.

CALIDORUS

Seize the fellow: follow him up.

BALLIO

Go on, boy.

PSEUDOLUS

Let's go and meet him this way. They run and stand before him.

BALLIO

May Jupiter confound you, whoever you are.

PSEUDOLUS

That for yourself I wish.

BALLIO

And for both of you do I. Turn you this way, boy. Takes another direction.

PSEUDOLUS

May we not speak with you?

BALLIO

Why, it doesn't please me.

PSEUDOLUS

But if it's something to your advantage?

BALLIO

Am I allowed to go away, pray, or am I not?

PSEUDOLUS

Pshaw! Stop. Catches hold of him. BAL. Let me go.

CALIDORUS

Ballio, listen.

BALLIO

I'm deaf.

CALIDORUS

Really, you are uncivil.

BALLIO

You are a chatterer of nonsense.

CALIDORUS

I gave you money so long as I had it.

BALLIO

I'm not asking what you gave.

CALIDORUS

I'll give you some when I have it.

BALLIO

When you have it, bring it to me.

CALIDORUS

Alas, alas! In what a foolish fashion have I lavished what I brought to you, and what I gave you.

BALLIO

Your wealth defunct, you now are talking about it; you are a simpleton, a cause that has been tried you are trying over again.

PSEUDOLUS

At least consider him, who he is.

BALLIO

I've known for a long time now who he was; who he now is, let him know himself. Do you walk on to the BOY .

PSEUDOLUS

And can't you, Ballio, only once give a look this way for your own profit?

BALLIO

At that price I'll give a look; for if I were sacrificing to supreme Jupiter, and were presenting the entrails in my hands to lay them on the altar, if in the meanwhile anything in the way of profit were offered, I should in preference forsake the sacrifice. There's no being able to resist that sort of piety, however other things go.

PSEUDOLUS

aside . The very Gods, whom it is especially our duty to reverence--them he esteems of little value.

BALLIO

I'll speak to him. Hail to you, right heartily, the very vilest slave in Athens.

PSEUDOLUS

May the Gods and Goddesses favour you, Ballio, both at his wish and at my own; or, if you are deserving of other terms, let them neither favour nor bless you.

BALLIO

What's the matter, Calidorus?

CALIDORUS

Love and pinching want are the matter.

BALLIO

I would pity you, if, upon pity I could support my establishment.

PSEUDOLUS

Aye, aye, we know you quite well, what sort of character you are; don't be proclaiming it. But do you know what we want?

BALLIO

I' faith, I know it pretty nearly; that there may be something unfortunate for me.

PSEUDOLUS

Both to that and this for which we called you back, prithee do give your attention.

BALLIO

I am attending; but compress into a few words what you want, as I'm busy now.

PSEUDOLUS

He pointing to CALIDORUS is quite ashamed about what he promised you, and the day for which he promised it, that he hasn't even yet paid you those twenty minæ for his mistress.

BALLIO

That which we are ashamed at is much more easily endured than that which we are vexed at. At not having paid the money, he is ashamed; I, because I have not received it, am vexed.

PSEUDOLUS

Still, he'll pay it, he'll procure it; do you only wait some days to come. But he has been afraid of this, that you'll sell her on account of his embarrassment.

BALLIO

He had an opportunity, had he wished, of paying the money long ago.

CALIDORUS

What if I had it not?

BALLIO

If you had been in love, you would have found it on loan. You would have gone to the usurer; you would have paid the interest; or else you would have pilfered it from your father.

PSEUDOLUS

Ought he to have pilfered it from his father, you most shameless villain? There is no fear that you'll point out to him anything that's right.

BALLIO

That's not like a procurer.

CALIDORUS

And could I possibly pilfer anything from my father, an old man so much on his guard? And besides, if I could do so, filial affection forbids.

BALLIO

I understand you; do you then at night embrace filial affection in place of Phœnicium. But since I see you prefer your filial affection to your love--are all men your fathers? Is there no one for you to ask to lend you some money?

CALIDORUS

Why, the very name of lending's dead and gone by this.

PSEUDOLUS

Look you now; since, i' faith, those fellows arose from the banker's table, with a filled skin, who, when they called in their own, paid what they had borrowed to no born creature, since then, I say, all people have been more cautious not to trust another.

CALIDORUS

Most wretched am I; nowhere am I able to find a coin of silver; so distractedly am I perishing both through love and want of money.

BALLIO

Buy oil on credit, and sell it for ready money; then, i' faith, even two hundred minæ ready money might be raised.

CALIDORUS

There I'm done; the twenty-five year old law founders me. All are afraid to trust me.

BALLIO

The same law have I. I'm afraid to trust you.

PSEUDOLUS

To trust him, indeed! How now, do you repent of the great profit he has been to you?

BALLIO

No lover is a profitable one, except him who keeps continually making presents. Either let him be always giving, or when he has nothing, let him at the same time cease to be in love.

CALIDORUS

And don't you pity me at all?

BALLIO

You come empty-handed; words don't chink. But I wish you life and health.

PSEUDOLUS

Heyday! Is he dead already?

BALLIO

However he is, to me indeed, at all events, with these speeches, he is dead. Then, does a lover really live, when he comes begging to a procurer? Do you always come to me with a complaint that brings its money. As for that, which you are now lamenting about, that you have got no money, complain of it to your stepmother.

PSEUDOLUS

Why, have you ever been married to his father, pray?

BALLIO

May the Gods grant better things.

PSEUDOLUS

Do what we ask you, Ballio, on my credit, if you are afraid to trust him. Within the next three days, from some quarter, in some way, either by land or sea, I'll rout up this money for you.

BALLIO

I, trust you?

PSEUDOLUS

Why not?

BALLIO

Because, i' faith, on the same principle that I trust you, on that principle I should tie a run-away dog to a lamb's fry.

CALIDORUS

Is the obligation thus ungratefully returned by you to me, who have deserved so well of you?

BALLIO

What do you want now?

CALIDORUS

That you will only wait these six days of the Feast, and will not sell her or prove the death of the person who loves her.

BALLIO

Be of good courage; I'll wait six months even.

CALIDORUS

Capital--most delightful man!

BALLIO

Aye; and do you wish, too, that from joyful I should make you even more joyous?

CALIDORUS

How so?

BALLIO

Why, because I've got no Phœnicium to sell.

CALIDORUS

Not got her?

BALLIO

I' faith, not I, indeed.

CALIDORUS

Pseudolus, go fetch the sacrifice, the victims, the sacrificers, that I may make offering to this supreme Jove. For this Jupiter is now much more mighty to me than is Jupiter himself.

BALLIO

I want no victims; with the entrails of minæ I wish to be appeased.

CALIDORUS

to PSEUDOLUS . Make haste. Why do you hesitate? Go fetch the lambs; do you hear what Jupiter says?

PSEUDOLUS

I'll be here this moment; but first I must run as far as beyond the gate.

CALIDORUS

Why thither?

PSEUDOLUS

I'll fetch two sacrificers thence, with their bells; at the same time I'll fetch thence two bundles of elm twigs, that this day a sufficiency may be provided for the sacrifice to this Jove.

BALLIO

Away to utter perdition.

PSEUDOLUS

Thither shall the pimping Jupiter go.

BALLIO

It isn't for your interest that I should die.

PSEUDOLUS

How so?

BALLIO

This way; because, if I'm dead, there will be no one worse than yourself in Athens. For your interest to CALIDORUS it is that I should die.

CALIDORUS

How so?

BALLIO

I'll tell you; because, i' faith, so long as I shall be alive, you'll never be a man well to do.

CALIDORUS

Troth now, prithee, in serious truth, tell me this that I ask you--have you not got my mistress, Phœnicium, on sale?

BALLIO

By my faith, I really have not; for I've now sold her already.

CALIDORUS

In what way?

BALLIO

Without her trappings, with all her inwards.

CALIDORUS

What? Have you sold my mistress?

BALLIO

Decidedly; for twenty minæ.

CALIDORUS

For twenty minæ?

BALLIO

Or, in other words, for four times five minæ, whichever you please, to a Macedonian Captain; and I've already got fifteen of the minæ at home.

CALIDORUS

What is it that I hear of you?

BALLIO

That your mistress has been turned into money.

CALIDORUS

Why did you dare to do so?

BALLIO

'Twas my pleasure; she was my own.

CALIDORUS

Hallo! Pseudolus. Run, fetch me a sword.

PSEUDOLUS

What need is there of a sword?

CALIDORUS

With which to kill this fellow this instant, and then myself.

PSEUDOLUS

But why not kill yourself only rather? For famine will soon be killing him.

CALIDORUS

What do you say, most perjured of men as many as are living upon the earth? Did you not take an oath that you would sell her to no person besides myself?

BALLIO

I confess it.

CALIDORUS

In solemn form, to wit.

BALLIO

Aye, and well considered too.

CALIDORUS

You have proved perjured, you villain.

BALLIO

I sacked the money at home, however. Villain as I am, I am now able to draw upon a stock of silver in my house; whereas you who are so dutiful, and born of that grand family, haven't a single coin.

CALIDORUS

Pseudolus, stand by him on the other side and load this fellow with imprecations.

PSEUDOLUS

Very well. Never would I run to the Prætor with equal speed that I might be made free. Stands on the other side of BALLIO.

CALIDORUS

Heap on him a multitude of curses.

PSEUDOLUS

Now will I publish you with my rebukes. Thou lackshame!

BALLIO

'Tis the fact.

PSEUDOLUS

Villain!

BALLIO

You say the truth.

PSEUDOLUS

Whipping-post!

BALLIO

Why not?

PSEUDOLUS

Robber of tombs!

BALLIO

No doubt.

PSEUDOLUS

Gallows-bird!

BALLIO

Very well done.

PSEUDOLUS

Cheater of your friends!

BALLIO

That's in my way.

PSEUDOLUS

Parricide!

BALLIO

Proceed, you.

CALIDORUS

Committer of sacrilege!

BALLIO

I own it.

CALIDORUS

Perjurer!

BALLIO

You're telling nothing new.

CALIDORUS

Lawbreaker!

BALLIO

Very much so.

PSEUDOLUS

Pest of youth!

BALLIO

Most severely said.

CALIDORUS

Thief!

BALLIO

Oh! wonderful!

PSEUDOLUS

Vagabond!

BALLIO

Pooh! pooh!

CALIDORUS

Defrauder of the public!

BALLIO

Most decidedly so.

PSEUDOLUS

Cheating scoundrel!

CALIDORUS

Filthy pander!

PSEUDOLUS

Lump of filth!

BALLIO

A capital chorus.

CALIDORUS

You beat your father and mother.

BALLIO

Aye, and killed them, too, rather than find them food; did I do wrong at all?

PSEUDOLUS

We are pouring our words into a pierced cask: we are losing our pains.

BALLIO

Would you like to call me anything else besides?

CALIDORUS

Is there anything that shames you?

BALLIO

Yes; that you have been found to be a lover as empty as a rotten nut. But although you have used towards me expressions many and harsh, unless the Captain shall bring me this day the five minæ that he owes me, as this was the last day appointed for the payment of that money, if he doesn't bring it, I think that I am able to do my duty.

CALIDORUS

What is that duty?

BALLIO

If you bring the money, I'll break faith with him; that's my duty. If it were more worth my while, I would talk further with you. But, without a coin of money, 'tis in vain that you request me to have pity upon you. Such is my determination; but do you, from this, consider what you have henceforth to do? Moves.

CALIDORUS

Are you going then?

BALLIO

At present I am full of business. (Exit.)

PSEUDOLUS

Before long you'll be more so. That man is my own, unless all Gods and men forsake me. I'll bone him just in the same fashion that a cook does a lamprey. Now, Calidorus, I wish you to give me your attention.

CALIDORUS

What do you bid me do?

PSEUDOLUS

I wish to lay siege to this town, that this day it may be taken. For that purpose, I have need of an artful, clever, knowing, and crafty fellow, who may despatch out of hand what he is ordered, not one to go to sleep upon his watch.

CALIDORUS

Tell me, then, what you are going to do?

PSEUDOLUS

In good time I'll let you know. I don't care for it to be repeated twice; stories are made too long that way.

CALIDORUS

You plead what's very fair and very just.

PSEUDOLUS

Make haste; bring the fellow hither quickly.

CALIDORUS

Out of many, there are but few friends that are to be depended upon by a person.

PSEUDOLUS

I know that; therefore, get for yourself now a choice of both, and seek out of these many one that can be depended upon.

CALIDORUS

I'll have him here this instant.

PSEUDOLUS

Can't you be off then? You create delay for yourself by your talking. (Exit CALIDORUS.)

PSEUDOLUS, alone.

PSEUDOLUS

Since he has gone hence, you are now standing alone, Pseudolus. What are you to do now, after you have so largely promised costly delights to your master's son by your speeches? You, for whom not even one drop of sure counsel is ready, nor yet of silver * * * * nor have you where first you must begin your undertaking, nor yet fixed limits for finishing off your web. But just as the poet, when he has taken up his tablets, seeks what nowhere in the world exists, and still finds it, and makes that like truth which really is a fiction; now I'll become a poet; twenty minæ, which no-where in the world are now existing, still will I find. And some time since had I said that I would find them for him, and I had attempted to throw a net over our old gentleman; however, by what means I know not, he perceived it beforehand. But my voice and my talking must be stopped; for, see! I perceive my master, Simo, coming this way, together with his neighbour, Callipho. Out of this old sepulchre will I dig twenty minæ this day, to give them to my master's son. Now I'll step aside here, that I may pick up their conversation. He stands apart.

Enter SIMO and CALLIPHO.

SIMO

If now a Dictator were to be appointed at Athens of Attica out of the spendthrifts or out of the gallants, I do think that no one would surpass my son. For now the only talk of all throughout the city is to the effect that he is trying to set his mistress free, and is seeking after money for that purpose. Some people bring me word of this; and, in fact, I had long ago perceived it, and had suspected it, but I dissembled on it.

PSEUDOLUS

apart . Already is his son suspected by him; this affair is nipt in the bud, this business is at a stand-still. The way is now entirely blocked up against me, by which I had intended to go a-foraging for the money. He has perceived it beforehand. There's no booty for the marauders.

CALLIPHO

Those men who carry about and who listen to accusations, should all be hanged, if so it could be at my decision, the carriers by their tongues, the listeners by their ears. For these things that are told you, that your son in his amour is desirous to chouse you out of money, the chance is that these things so told you are all lies. But sappose they are true, as habits are, now-a-days especially, what has he done so surprising? What new thing, if a young man does love, and if he does liberate his mistress?

PSEUDOLUS

apart . A delightful old gentleman.

SIMO

I don't wish him to follow the old-fashioned habits.

CALLIPHO

But still, in vain do you object; or you yourself shouldn't have done the like in your youthful days. It befits the father to be immaculate, who wishes his son to be more immaculate than he has been himself. But the mischief and the profligacy you were guilty of might have been distributed throughout the whole population, a share for each man. Are you surprised at it, if the son does take after the father?

PSEUDOLUS

apart . O Zeus, Zeus! how few in number are you considerate men. See, that's being a father to a son, just as is proper.

SIMO

Who is it that's speaking here? Looking round. Why, surely 'tis my servant Pseudolus. 'Tis he corrupts my son, the wicked scoundrel; he is his leader, he his tutor. I long for him to be put to extreme torture.

CALLIPHO

This is folly now, thus to keep your anger in readiness. How much better were it to accost him with kind words and to make all enquiries, whether these things are true or not that they tell you of?

SIMO

I'll take your advice.

PSEUDOLUS

apart . They are making towards you, Pseudolus; prepare your speech to meet the old fellow. Good courage in a bad case is half the evil got over. Aloud, as he advances to meet them. First, I salute my master, as is proper; and alter that, if anything is left, that I bestow upon his neighbour.

SIMO

Good day to you. What are you about?

PSEUDOLUS

About standing here in this fashion assuming an attitude .

SIMO

See the attitude of the fellow, Callipho; how like that of a man of rank.

CALLIPHO

I consider that he is standing properly and with boldness.

PSEUDOLUS

It befits a servant innocent and guileless, as he is, to be bold, most especially before his master.

CALLIPHO

There are some things about which we wish to inquire of you, which we ourselves know and have heard of as though through a cloud of mist.

SIMO

He'll manage you now with his speeches, so that you shall think it isn't Pseudolus but Socrates that's talking to you. What do you say?

PSEUDOLUS

For a long time you have held me in contempt, I know. I see that you have but little confidence in me. You wish me to be a villain; still, I will be of strict honesty.

SIMO

Take care, please, and make the recesses of your ears free, Pseudolus, that my words may be enabled to enter where I desire.

PSEUDOLUS

Come, say anything you please, although I am angry at you.

SIMO

What, you, a slave, angry at me your master?

PSEUDOLUS

And does that seem wonderful to you?

SIMO

Why, by my troth, according to what you say, I must be on my guard against you in your anger, and you are thinking of beating me in no other way than I am wont to beat yourself. What do you think? To CALLIPHO.

CALLIPHO

I' faith, I think that he's angry with good reason, since you have so little confidence in him.

SIMO

I'll leave him alone then. Let him be angry: I'll take care that he shall do me no harm. But what do you say? What as to that which I was asking you?

PSEUDOLUS

If you want anything, ask me. What I know, do you consider given you as a response at Delphi.

SIMO

Give your attention then, and take care and please mind your promise. What do you say? Do you know that my son is in love with a certain music-girl?

PSEUDOLUS

Yea, verily.

SIMO

Whom he is trying to make free?

PSEUDOLUS

Yea, verily and indeed.

SIMO

And you are scheming by cajolery and by cunning tricks to get twenty minæ in ready money out of me?

PSEUDOLUS

I, get them out of you?

SIMO

Just so; to give them to my son, with which to liberate his mistress. Do you confess it? Speak out.

PSEUDOLUS

Yea, verily; yea, verily.

SIMO

He confesses it. Didn't I tell you so just now, Callipho?

CALLIPHO

So I remember.

SIMO

Why, directly you knew of these things, were they kept concealed from me? Why wasn't I made acquainted with them?

PSEUDOLUS

I'll tell you: because I was unwilling that a bad custom should originate in me, for a servant to accuse his master before his master.

SIMO

Wouldn't you order this fellow to be dragged head first to the treadmills?

CALLIPHO

Has he done anything amiss, Simo?

SIMO

Yes, very much so.

PSEUDOLUS

to CALLIPHO . Be quiet, I quite well understand my own affairs, Callipho. Is this a fault? Now then, give your attention to the reason why I you kept ignorant of this amour. I knew that the treadmill was close at hand, if I told you.

SIMO

And didn't you know, as well, that the treadmill would be close at hand when you kept silent on it?

PSEUDOLUS

I did know it.

SIMO

Why wasn't it told me?

PSEUDOLUS

The one evil was close at hand, the other at a greater distance; the one was at the moment, the other was a few days off.

SIMO

What will you be doing now? For assuredly the money cannot be got in this quarter out of me, who have especially detected it. I shall forthwith give notice to all that no one is to trust him the money.

PSEUDOLUS

I' faith, I'll never go begging to any person, so long, at all events, as you shall be alive; troth, you shall find me the money; and as for me, I shall take it from you.

SIMO

You, take it from me?

PSEUDOLUS

Undoubtedly.

SIMO

Troth, now, knock out my eye, if I do find it.

PSEUDOLUS

You shall provide it. I warn you then to be on your guard against me.

SIMO

By my troth, I know this for sure; if you do take it away, you will have done a wonderful and a great exploit.

PSEUDOLUS

I will do it, however.

SIMO

But if you don't carry it off?

PSEUDOLUS

Then flog me with rods. But what if I do carry it off?

SIMO

I give you Jupiter as your witness, that you shall pass your life free from punishment.

PSEUDOLUS

Take care and remember that.

SIMO

Could I possibly be unable to be on my guard, who am forewarned?

PSEUDOLUS

I forewarn you to be on your guard. I say you must be on your guard, I tell you. Keep watch. Look, now, with those same hands will you this day give me the money

SIMO

By my troth, 'tis a clever mortal if he keeps his word.

PSEUDOLUS

Carry me away to be your slave if I don't do it.

SIMO

You speak kindly and obligingly; for at present you are not mine, I suppose.

PSEUDOLUS

Would you like me to tell you, too, what you will still more wonder at?

SIMO

Come, then; i' faith, I long to hear it; I listen to you with pleasure.

PSEUDOLUS

Before I fight that battle, I shall first fight another battle, famous and memorable.

SIMO

What battle?

PSEUDOLUS

Why, with the procurer your neighbour; by means of stratagem and artful tricks, I'l cleverly bamboozle the procurer out of this music-girl, with whom your son is so desperately in love; and I surely will have both of these things effected this very day, before the evening.

SIMO

Well, if you accomplish these tasks as you say, you will surpass in might King Agathocles. But if you don't do it, is there any reason why I shouldn't forthwith put you in the treadmill?

PSEUDOLUS

Not for one day, but, i' faith, for all, whatever the time. But if I effect it, will you not at once give me the money of your own free will for me to pay to the procurer?

CALLIPHO

Pseudolus is making a fair claim; say "I'll give it."

SIMO

But still, do you know what comes into my mind? Suppose they have made an arrangement, Callipho, among themselves, or are acting in concert, and on a preconcerted plan, to bamboozle me out of the money?

PSEUDOLUS

Who would be more audacious than myself, if I dared to do such an action? Well, Simo, if we are thus in collusion, or have ever arranged any plan, do you mark me quite all over with elm-tree stripes, just as when letters are written in a book with a reed.

SIMO

Now then, proclaim the games as soon as you please.

PSEUDOLUS

Give me your attention, Callipho, I beg you, for this day, so that you may not any way employ yourself upon other business.

CALLIPHO

Why, now, I had made up my mind yesterday to go into the country.

PSEUDOLUS

Still, do you now change the plan which you had resolved upon.

CALLIPHO

I am now resolved not to go away on account of this; I have an inclination to be a spectator of your games, Pseudolus; and if I shall find that he doesn't give you the money which he has promised, rather than it shouldn't be done, I'll give it.

SIMO

I shall not change my purpose.

PSEUDOLUS

Because, by my faith, if you don't give it, you shall be dunned for it with clamour great and plenteous. Come, now, move yourselves off hence into the house this instant, and in turn give room for my tricks.

SIMO

Be it so.

CALLIPHO

You may have your way,

PSEUDOLUS

But I want you to keep close at home.

SIMO

Well, that assistance I promise you.

CALLIPHO

But I shall be off to the Forum. I'll be back here presently. Exit CALLIPHO. SIMO goes into his house.

PSEUDOLUS

Be back directly. To the AUDIENCE. I have a suspicion, now, that you are suspecting that I have been promising these so great exploits to these persons for the purpose of amusing you, while I am acting this play, and that I shall not do that which I said I will do. I will not change my design; so far as that then I know for certain; by what means I'm to carry it out not at all do I know as yet; only this, that so it shall be. For he that appears upon the stage in a new character, him it befits to bring something that is new. If he cannot do that, let him give place to him who can. I am inclined to go hence into the house for some little time, while I summon together all my stratagems in my mind. Meanwhile this piper shall entertain you. Goes into the house of SIMO, and the PIPER strikes up a tune.

Enter PSEUDOLUS, from the house of SIMO.

PSEUDOLUS

O Jupiter, whatever I undertake, how cleverly and how fortunately does it befal me. Not any plan is there stored up in my breast that I can hesitate upon or be afraid of. But it is folly to entrust a bold exploit to a timorous heart; for all things are just as you make them, so as you make them of importance. Now in my breast have I already so prepared my forces--double, aye, threefold stratagems, that when I engage with the enemy, relying upon the merits, I say, of my forefathers, and on my own industry and tricking propensity for mischief, I may easily conquer, and easily spoil my antagonists by my contrivances. Now will I adroitly batter down this Ballio, the common foe of me and all of you; only lend me your attention. Now will I forthwith draw out my legions against this old town. If I take it, I shall make it a pleasant matter for the citizens: I'll load and fill myself, and my allies as well, with booty from it. I shall strike terror and fright into my enemies, so that they may know of what race I was born. Great exploits it befits me to perform, which long after may bespeak fame for me. But whom do I see here? Who's this low fellow that's presented before my eyes? I should like to know why he's come here with his sword: I' troth, now then I'll lie here in ambush for him, to see the business that he's about. Retires to a distance.

Enter HARPAX, with a bay in his hand.

HARPAX

This is the place, and this the spot, which was pointed out to me by my master, according as  form a judgment from my eyesight. For my master, the Captain, told me to this effect, that the house was the seventh from the gate, in which lives the person to whom he requested me to carry the token and this silver * * * * * I could vastly wish that some one would inform me where this Ballio, the procurer, lives. Looks from side to side.

PSEUDOLUS

apart . Hist! Silence! This man is mine, unless all Gods and men forsake me. Now have I need of a new plan; this new scheme is suddenly presented to me. This I prefer to my former one; that I shall dismiss, which, before, I had commenced to carry into effect. By my troth, I'll then work this military messenger that's just arrived.

HARPAX

I'll knock at the door, and call some one out of doors from within. Goes towards the door of BALLIO'S house.

PSEUDOLUS

coming up to him . Whoever you are, I wish you to spare your knocking; for I've just come out of doors, I, the spokesman and the defender of the door.

HARPAX

Are you Ballio?

PSEUDOLUS

Why, no; but I'm the deputy-Ballio.

HARPAX

What means that expression?

PSEUDOLUS

I'm his butler-steward; the caterer for his larder.

HARPAX

As though you were to say, you are his chamberlain.

PSEUDOLUS

No; I'm above his chamberlain.

HARPAX

What are you, slave or free man?

PSEUDOLUS

Why, at present, I'm still a slave.

HARPAX

So you seem to be; and you don't look to be one worthy to be free.

PSEUDOLUS

Ain't you in the habit of looking at yourself when you abuse another person?

HARPAX

aside . This must be a roguish fellow.

PSEUDOLUS

aside . The Gods protect and favour me! for this is my anvil: this day will I hammer out thence full many a device.

HARPAX

Why is he talking to himself alone?

PSEUDOLUS

How say you, young man----?

HARPAX

What is it?

PSEUDOLUS

Are you, or are you not, from that Captain of Macedonia? The servant of him,  mean, who bought a damsel of us here, who gave fifteen silver minæ to the procurer, my master, and is still owing five?

HARPAX

I am. But where in the world have you ever known me, or have ever seen or spoken to me? For in fact, before this day, I never was at Athens, nor did I ever before this day behold you with my eyes * * * * * * * * * *

PSEUDOLUS

Because you seem likely to be from him; for at the time when he went away, this was the day appointed for the money, on which he was to pay it to us, and he has not brought it as yet.

HARPAX

Yes, here it is. Holding up the bag.

PSEUDOLUS

What?--have you brought it?

HARPAX

I, myself.

PSEUDOLUS

Do you at all hesitate to give it me?

HARPAX

I, give it you?

PSEUDOLUS

Aye, faith, to me, who manage the business and the accounts of my master Ballio, receive his money, and pay it to him to whom he owes it.

HARPAX

By my troth, if you were even the keeper of the treasures of supreme Jove, I would never entrust a groat of silver to you.

PSEUDOLUS

pointing . While you've been making yourself so big, the money has become loose.

HARPAX

I'll keep it the rather tied up--this way. Ties the mouth of the bag.

PSEUDOLUS

Woe to you! You indeed have been found to doubt my honor. As though innumerable times as much are not in the habit of being entrusted to me alone.

HARPAX

It's possible that others may think so, and that I mayn't trust you.

PSEUDOLUS

As though you meant to say that I wished to chouse you out of the money.

HARPAX

Why, yes; as though you meant to say so; and as though I, on the other hand, meant to suspect it. But what's your name?

PSEUDOLUS

aside . This procurer has a servant of the name of Syrus; I'll say that I am he. I am Syrus.

HARPAX

Syrus?

PSEUDOLUS

That's my name.

HARPAX

We are making many words. If your master's at home, why don't you call him out, that I may transact that for which I was sent here, whatever be your name?

PSEUDOLUS

If he were within I would call him out. But if you choose to give it me, it will be more truly paid than if you were to give it to himself.

HARPAX

But now do you know how it is? My master has sent me to pay this, not to lose it. But I know, to a certainty, that you are in a fever now, because you cannot lay your claws upon it. I shall entrust the money to no person except to Ballio himself.

PSEUDOLUS

But at present he's full of business: a cause of his is being tried before the judge.

HARPAX

May the Gods prosper it! And I, when I shall think that he's at home, will come again. Do you take this letter from me, and give it him: for in it is the token agreed upon between your master and mine about the damsel.

PSEUDOLUS

For my part, I understand it; the person who should bring the money and the impress of his likeness hither to us, with him he said he wished the damsel to be sent; for he left a specimen of it here as well.

HARPAX

You understand the whole affair?

PSEUDOLUS

Why should I not understand it?

HARPAX

Give him this token then. Gives the letter and token.

PSEUDOLUS

Very well. But what's your name?

HARPAX

Harpax.

PSEUDOLUS

Get along with you, Harpax, I like you not. By my troth, you really shan't enter this house, lest you should be doing something in the harpy line.

HARPAX

I am wont to carry off my enemies alive from the battle-field; from that circumrstance is my name.

PSEUDOLUS

I' faith, I think that you are much more likely to carry off the brass pots from a house.

HARPAX

Such is not the fact. But, Syrus, do you know what I request of you?

PSEUDOLUS

I shall know, if you tell me.

HARPAX

I shall put up outside of the gate here, at the third shop, at the house of that tun-bellied, limping, fat old woman, Chrysis.

PSEUDOLUS

What do you wish then?

HARPAX

That you'll fetch me thence when your master comes.

PSEUDOLUS

At your pleasure; by all means.

HARPAX

For, as I've come wearied off my journey, I wish to refresh myself.

PSEUDOLUS

You are very wise, and your plan is agreable to me. But take care, please, that you are not out of the way when I send for you.

HARPAX

Why, when I've dined, I shall indulge myself with a nap.

PSEUDOLUS

I quite agree with you.

HARPAX

Do you wish aught else?

PSEUDOLUS

That you'll be off to take your nap.

HARPAX

I'm off.

PSEUDOLUS

And, do you hear, Harpax? Order yourself to be covered up, please; you'll receive the benefit if you take a good sweat. (Exit HARPAX.)

PSEUDOLUS, alone.

PSEUDOLUS

Immortal Gods! this man has preserved me by his coming. By his supply for my journey he has brought me from my wanderings quite into the right way. For the Goddess Opportunity herself could not come to me more opportunely, than has this letter in this opportune manner been brought to me. For this has been brought as a horn of plenty, in which there is whatever I wish for: here are my wiles, here all my tricks, here my stratagems, here my money, here his mistress for my master's son so much in love. And now how vaunting shall I show myself; how, with a breast so fertile in expedients, I was to do each thing, how, to steal away the damsel from the procurer, I had all my plans arranged in order in my mind as I desired, fixed, planned out. But, no doubt, thus will it come to pass: this Goddess Fortune, unaided, prevails over the designs of a hundred armed men. And this is the fact, just as each person uses his fortune, so does he surpass others, and forthwith we all pronounce him wise. When we learn that the counsels of any person have turned out well, we declare that he is a prudent man; but that he is a fool who is unsuccessful. In our folly we know not how much we are mistaken, when we eagerly wish anything to be given to us; as though we ourselves could possibly know what is for our advantage. We lose what is certain, while we are seeking what is uncertain. And this comes to pass, amid labours and amid sorrow, that death meanwhile comes creeping on. But there's enough now of philosophizing; I have been talking too long, and at too great length. Immortal Gods! my lie was not dear at its weight in double-distilled gold, which I just now trumped up here on the spur of the moment, when I said that I belonged to the procurer. Now, through this letter shall I deceive three persons--my master, and the procurer, and him who gave me this letter. Excellent! another thing as well has happened, that I wished for: see, Calidorus is coming; he is bringing some one with him, I know not whom. Stands apart.

Enter CALIDORUS and CHARINUS.

CALIDORUS

The sweets and the bitters, all have I disclosed to you. You know my love, you know my difficulty, you know my poverty.

CHARINUS

I well remember all; do you only let me know what you want me to do.

CALIDORUS

Pseudolus has directed me thus, that I should bring to him some bold and zealous person.

CHARINUS

You observe your directions well; for you bring him one both friendly and zealous. But this Pseudolus is a stranger to me.

CALIDORUS

He is a very clever fellow--he is my contriver. He said that he would effect those things for me that I have told you of.

PSEUDOLUS

apart . I'll address this person in a very lofty strain.

CALIDORUS

Whose voice is it that's heard here?

PSEUDOLUS

Oh! thee, sovereign lord, thee, oh! thee do I address who dost rule over Pseudolus: thee do I seek, to impart to thee delights thrice three, threefold, acquired by three contrivances, obtained over three persons through craftiness and through subtlety, which in this very little sealed packet I have brought unto you. Holds up the letter.

CALIDORUS

That's the fellow; how the hang-dog does bluster just like a tragedian.

PSEUDOLUS

Advance a step on thy side towards me. Boldly stretch forth thine arm for greeting.

CALIDORUS

taking his hand . Tell me, Pseudolus, whether, as Hope or as Safety, must I greet you?

PSEUDOLUS

Why both.

CALIDORUS

As both I greet you. But what has been done? Why are you silent? I have carried this person here. Pointing to CHARINUS.

PSEUDOLUS

How? Carried him here?

CALIDORUS

Brought, I meant to say.

PSEUDOLUS

Who's this person?

CALIDORUS

Charinus.

PSEUDOLUS

Well done; I return him thanks then.

CHARINUS

Will you then boldly enjoin me what it is necessary to do?

PSEUDOLUS

My thanks, so far. May it be well with you, Charinus; I don't like that we should be troublesome to you.

CHARINUS

You, troublesome to me? Now, really, that's troublesome.

PSEUDOLUS

Well, then, wait a moment. Takes the letter out from under his dress.

CALIDORUS

What's that?

PSEUDOLUS

This letter have I just now intercepted, and the token.

CALIDORUS

Token? What token?

PSEUDOLUS

The one that was brought just now from the Captain. His servant, who was bringing it, with five mineæ of silver, who came to fetch your mistress hence, him I have just now bamboozled.

CALIDORUS

How so?

PSEUDOLUS

For the sake of these Spectators the play is being performed; they know, who were present here; you I'll tell at another time.

CALIDORUS

What are we to do then?

PSEUDOLUS

You shall this day embrace your mistress at liberty.

CALIDORUS

What, I?

PSEUDOLUS

You yourself.

CALIDORUS

I?

PSEUDOLUS

Your own self, I say, if indeed this head shall exist so long; if you'll only quickly find me out a man.

CHARINUS

Of what description?

PSEUDOLUS

A cunning, crafty and clever one, who, when he has once taken hold of the beginning, may by his own ingenuity still hold fast upon what it behoves him to do; one, too, who has not often been seen here.

CHARINUS

If he is a slave, does that matter at all?

PSEUDOLUS

Why, I'd much rather have him than a free man.

CHARINUS

I think that I'm able to procure for you a cunning and clever fellow, that has lately come to my father from Carystus, and hasn't as yet gone anywhere out the house, and who never visited Athens before yesterday.

PSEUDOLUS

You assist in right earnest. But I have need to borrow five minæ of silver, which I shall repay this day, for his father pointing to CALIDORUS owes it me.

CHARINUS

I'll lend it; don't seek it anywhere else.

PSEUDOLUS

O, how convenient a person for me. I have need of a scarf as well, a sword, and a broad-brimmed hat.

CHARINUS

I can provide them from my house.

PSEUDOLUS

Immortal Gods! surely this is not Charinus for me, but Abundance. But this servant, who is come here from Carystus, is there anything in him?

CHARINUS

Plenty of the stinking goat in him.

PSEUDOLUS

It befits the fellow, then, to have a tunic with long sleeves Has the chap anything sharp in his breast?

CHARINUS

Aye, of the very sharpest.

PSEUDOLUS

But if it is necessary for him to draw forth what is sweet from the same place, has he aught of that?

CHARINUS

Do you ask that He has wine of myrrh, sweet raisin wine, spice wine honey wine, sweets of every sort. Why, he once began to set up a hot liquor-shop in his breast.

PSEUDOLUS

Bravissi o! Why, Charinus, you beat me cleverly at my own game. But what am I to say is the name of this servant?

CHARINUS

Simmia.

PSEUDOLUS

In a difficulty, does he understand how to twirl about?

CHARINUS

A whirlwind is not so ready as he.

PSEUDOLUS

Is he shrewd at all?

CHARINUS

In mischievous tricks very often.

PSEUDOLUS

How, when he's caught in the fact?

CHARINUS

He's a very eel; he slips out.

PSEUDOLUS

Is this fellow an experienced one?

CHARINUS

A public ordinance is not more experienced.

PSEUDOLUS

He is a suitable person, according to what I hear you say.

CHARINUS

Aye, and from this you may know it. When he looks at you he'll tell, of his own accord, what it is you want with him. But what are you about to do?

PSEUDOLUS

I'll tell you. When I've dressed up my man, I intend to make him become the pretended servant of the Captain; let him take this token to the procurer, with five minæ of silver. There's the whole plot for you. As for the rest, in what way he is to do each thing, I'll instruct himself.

CALIDORUS

Why, therefore, do we stand here then?

PSEUDOLUS

Bring the fellow to me just now, dressed out with all his accoutrements, to Æschinus, the banker's. But make all haste.

CALIDORUS

We'll be there before you.

PSEUDOLUS

Get you gone there quickly. CALIDORUS and CHARINUS go into SIMO'S house. Whatever before was uncertain or doubtful in my mind, is now clear-now fined to the dregs; my heart has now an open path. All my legions will I lead forth under their standards with happy omen with favorable auspices, and to my heart's content. I have a certainty that I can rout my enemies. Now will I go to the Forum, and load Simmia with my instructions what he is to do, that he may not be tripping at all, and that he may cleverly lay the train for this plot. Soon now shall I cause the town of this procurer to be carried by storm. (Exit.)

Enter a BOY from the house of BALLIO.

A BOY

On that Boy on whom the Gods bestow servitude under a procurer, when they add a base occupation as well, assuredly do they, so far as I now understand in my mind, bestow upon him a great misfortune and miseries manifold. Just as this servitude has turned out to me, where I am set over duties great and small; nor am I able to find any admirer to love me, so that at length I might be fitted out in a little better guise. Now this day is the birthday of this procurer. The procurer has made a determination, from the lowest to the highest, that if each one does not this day send him a present, he shall perish to-morrow with the greatest torments. Now, faith, I know not what to do in my line, for, unless I shall send a present to the procurer this day, to-morrow must I swallow down fullers' produce. And yet I cannot do that which they who can are wont to do. Alas! how little am I, even still for this vocation. And by my troth, now, to my misfortune how fearfully do I dread punishment. If any one lays on whose hand is too heavy, although they say that it generally is done amid great weeping, I think that I am able in some measure to keep my teeth closed. But I must keep close my lips and my talking, for see, my master is betaking himself home, and bringing a Cook with him. Stands at a distance.

Enter BALLIO and a COOK.

BALLIO

Those who call it the cook's market, call it so foolishly; for 'tis not a cook's market, but a thieves' market. For if, upon oath, I were to seek out the worst of men, I couldn't have brought a worse one than this fellow that I'm bringing, one, chattering, bragging, silly, and worthless. Why, for this very reason Orcus has declined to take him to himself, that he might be here to cook a banquet for the dead; for here he is able to cook a thing to please them alone.

A COOK.

If you thought of me in this manner that you are mentioning, why did you hire me?

BALLIO

From scarcity; there wasn't another. But why, if you were a cook, were you sitting in the market-place, you alone behind the rest?

A COOK.

I'll tell you. By reason of the avarice of men have I become an inferior cook, not through my own inclination.

BALLIO

For what reason is that?

A COOK.

I'll tell you. Because, in fact, directly people come to hire a cook, no one enquires for him that's the best and the highest priced: rather do they hire him that's the lowest priced. Through this have I to-day been the only sitter in the market. Those wretched fellows are for a drachma a-piece; not any person is able to prevail on me to rise for less than a didrachm. I don't cook a dinner too, like other cooks, who bring me up seasoned meadows of grass upon their dishes; who turn the guests into oxen, and supply the grass. This herbage, too, do they further season with other herbs: put in coriander, fennel, garlick, orage; they add, too, sorrel, cabbage, beet, and spinach. In this they dissolve a pound weight of asafœtida. The roguish mustard is pounded, which makes the eyes of those that pound it drop tears before they have pounded it. These fellows, when they cook dinners, when they do season them, season them, not with seasonings, but with vampyre owls which eat out the bowels of the guests while still alive. Through this, in fact, it is, that people here live such short lives, inasmuch as they heap up these herbs of this sort in their stomachs, dreadful to be mentioned, not only to be eaten. Herbage which the cattle eat not, men eat themselves.

BALLIO

What do you say? Do you use divine seasonings, by which you can prolong the life of men, you, who find fault with these other seasonings?

A COOK.

I proclaim it boldly; for those who shall eat of my victuals which I have seasoned will be able to exist two hundred years even. For when I've put into the saucepan either cicilendrum, or cepolindrum, or mace, or saucaptis, the very dishes become warmed forthwith. These are sauces for fish, the cattle of Neptune; the flesh of the earthly cattle I season with cicimandrum, hapalopsis, or cataractria.

BALLIO

Now may Jupiter and all the Divinities confound you with your sauces, and with all those lies of yours!

A COOK.

Do allow me to speak, please.

BALLIO

Speak, and go to very perdition.

A COOK.

When all the saucepans are hot, I open them all then does the odour fly towards heaven with its handhanging down.

BALLIO

The odour with its hands hanging down?

A COOK.

I made a mistake without thinking.

BALLIO

How so?

A COOK.

With its feet hanging down, I meant to say. Jupiter dines on that odour every day.

BALLIO

If you happen not to go out to cook, pray what does Jupiter dine upon?

A COOK.

He goes to sleep without his dinner.

BALLIO

Go to very perdition. Is it for this reason that I'm to give you a didrachm to-day?

A COOK.

Well, I confess that I am a very high-priced cook; but I make the results of my labour to be seen for the price, hired at which I go out.

BALLIO

In thieving, to wit.

A COOK.

And do you expect to meet with any cook except with the claws of a kite or of an eagle?

BALLIO

And do you expect to go anywhere to cook, and not to cook the dinner there with your claws tied up? Now, therefore, you boy to the BOY , who are my servant, I now give you notice to make haste to remove hence all my property; and to keep his eyes as well in your sight. Whichever way he shall look, do you look the same way as well. If he shall move in any direction, do you move as well. If he shall put forth his hand, put you forth your hand as well. If he shall take anything of his own, do you suffer him to take it; if he shall take what's mine, do you on the other side hold him fast. If he shall stoop to the ground, do you stoop there as well. Likewise over your understrappers I shall appoint a single guard a-piece.

A COOK.

Only have good courage.

BALLIO

Prithee, tell me how I possibly can have good courage, who am taking you home to my house?

A COOK.

Because, by my broth, this day will I do just in the way that Medea cooked up the old man Pelias whom she is said by a draught and by her potions from an aged man to have made young again; so will I make you likewise.

BALLIO

How now; are you an enchanter as well?

A COOK.

Why no, by my troth, I am rather a preserver of mankind.

BALLIO

Well now; for how much would you teach me that one point in cooking?

A COOK.

What point?

BALLIO

That I may preserve you from pilfering anything from me.

A COOK.

For a didrachm, if you believe me; if not, not for a mina even. But whether are you about to-day to give a dinner, to your friends or to your enemies?

BALLIO

Why, faith, to my friends surely.

A COOK.

But why don't you invite your enemies to it rather than your friends? For this day will I present to the guests a banquet so savoury, and I'll season it with such a dulcet sweetness, that whoever shall taste each thing that's seasoned, I'll make that same person to gnaw off the ends of his own fingers.

BALLIO

Troth now, prithee, before you shall present aught to the guests do you yourself first taste, and give some to your understrappers, that you may gnaw off the ends of your own pilfering hands.

A COOK.

Perhaps then you don't believe me in the things that I say.

BALLIO

Don't you be troublesome; you din me too much; you don't please me by it. See, there I live. Points to his house. Do you go in-doors and cook the dinner, with all speed.

A BOY

Why don't you go, and take your place? Go and find the guests; the dinner's spoiling already. COOK and BOY go into the house.

BALLIO

Now, just look, please, at that young offshoot; for he, too, is a good-for-nothing deputy-scullion for the cook. Truly I don't know what now first to be on my guard against; such thieves there are in my house, and there's a robber close at hand. For my neighbour here, the father of Calidorus, a short time since, in the market-place, asked me by all means to be on my guard against his servant Pseudolus, not to put any trust in him; for that he is on the hunt this day, if possible to dupe me out of the woman. He said that he had stoutly promised to him that he would get away Phœnicium from me by stratagem. I'll now go indoors and give notice to my household, that no one must put any trust whatever in this Pseudolus. Goes into his house.

Enter PSEUDOLUS.

PSEUDOLUS

If the immortal Gods ever did determine that any person should be assisted by their aid, now do they intend that Calidorus shall be preserved for me, and the procurer destroyed, inasmuch as they produced you for my assistant, so clever and so knowing a fellow. (Looking back.) But where is he? am I not a silly fellow to be thus talking to myself alone? I' faith, he has put a trick upon myself, as I fancy; myself one knave, I have been poorly on my guard against another knave. By my troth I'm undone, if this fellow's off, and I shall not carry into effect this day what I intended. But see, there he is, a statue that deserves a whipping; how stately he does stalk along! HARPAX.

PSEUDOLUS

How now! By my faith I was looking about for you; I was very greatly afraid that you were off.

SIMO

It was my character to do so, I confess.

PSEUDOLUS

Where were you loitering?

SIMO

Where I pleased.

PSEUDOLUS

That I know well enough already.

SIMO

Why then do you ask me what you know?

PSEUDOLUS

Why this I want, to put you in mind.

SIMO

Needing to be put in mind yourself, don't you be putting me in mind.

PSEUDOLUS

Really I am treated by you quite with contempt.

SIMO

And why shouldn't I treat you with contempt, I who have the repute of being a military gentleman?

PSEUDOLUS

I want this then, which has been commenced, to be completed.

SIMO

Do you see me a-doing anything else?

PSEUDOLUS

Therefore walk on briskly.

SIMO

No, I choose to go slowly.

PSEUDOLUS

This is the opportunity; while this Harpax is asleep, I want you to be the first to accost him.

SIMO

Why are you hurrying? Softly; don't you fear. I wish Jupiter would so make it, that he were openly in the same place with me, whoever he is, that has arrived from the Captain. Never a jot, by my troth, should he be a bit the better Harpax than I. Have good courage, I'll have this business nicely accounted for to you. So by my tricks and lies would I put this military stranger in a fright that he himself would deny that he is the person that he is, and would believe me to be the person that he himself is.

PSEUDOLUS

How can that be?

SIMO

You are murdering me when you ask me that.

PSEUDOLUS

A clever fellow.

SIMO

And so are you too, who are quite my equal with your mischievous tricks and lies * * * * * * *

PSEUDOLUS

May Jupiter preserve you for me.

SIMO

Aye, and for myself. But look, does this dress become me quite well?

PSEUDOLUS

It suits very well.

SIMO

Be it so.

PSEUDOLUS

May the Deities grant you as many blessings as you may wish for yourself. For if I were to wish for as many as you are deserving of, they would be less than nothing; aside nor have I ever seen any one more of a rogue than this fellow.

SIMO

overhearing him . Do you say that to me?

PSEUDOLUS

This man's an honest fellow.

SIMO

It is neither this person, then pointing to PSEUDOLUS , nor myself.

PSEUDOLUS

But take care that you don't be tripping.

SIMO

Can't you hold your tongue? He that puts a man in mind of that which, remembering it, he does keep in mind, causes him to forget it. I recollect everything; they are stored up in my breast; my plans are cleverly laid.

PSEUDOLUS

I'm silent. But what good turn shall I do you if you carry through this matter with management? So may the Gods love me----

SIMO

They won't do so; you'll be uttering sheer falsehoods then.

PSEUDOLUS

How I do love you, Simmia, for your roguery, and both fear and laud you.

SIMO

That I have learned to make a present of to others; you can't put your flatteries on me.

PSEUDOLUS

In how delightful a manner I shall receive you this day, when you have completed this matter.

SIMO

Ha, ha, ha! Laughing.

PSEUDOLUS

With nice viands, wine, perfumes, and titbits between our cups. There, too, shall be a charming damsel, who shall give you kiss upon kiss.

SIMO

You will be receiving me in a delightful manner.

PSEUDOLUS

Aye, and if you effect it, then I'll make you say so still more.

SIMO

If I don't effect it, do you, the executioner, take me off to torture. But make haste and point out to me where is the door of the procurer's house.

PSEUD.

'Tis the third hence.

SIMO

Hist! hush! the door's opening.

PSEUDOLUS

In my mind, I believe that the house is poorly.

SIMO

Why so?

PSEUDOLUS

Because, i' faith, it is vomiting forth the procurer. BALLIO is coming out of his house.

SIMO

Is this he?

PSEUDOLUS

This is his own self.

SIMO

'Tis a worthless commodity.

PSEUDOLUS

Do see that: he doesn't go straight, but sideways, just as a crab is wont. They conceal themselves from BALLIO.

Enter BALLIO from his house.

BALLIO

I do believe that this fellow is not so bad a cook as I thought he was; for he has clawed off nothing as yet except a cup and a tankard.

PSEUDOLUS

apart to SIMMIA . Hallo you! now's your opportunity and your time.

SIMO

I agree with you.

PSEUDOLUS

Step slily out into the street; I'll be here in ambush. SIMMIA steps forward, and then walks along the middle of the street to meet BALLIO.

SIMO

talking aloud to himself . I took the number carefully; this is the sixth lane from the city gate; down that lane he bade me turn; how many houses down he told me, that I don't quite know for certain.

BALLIO

eyeing SIMMIA . Who's this fellow in the scarf, or whence does he come, or whom is he looking for? The appearance of the fellow seems outlandish and shabby.

SIMO

But see, here's a person, who, from uncertainty, will make the thing more certain for me that I wish to know.

BALLIO

He's coming straight towards me. Where in the world am I to say this fellow comes from?

SIMO

Harkye! you who are standing there with a goat's beard, answer me this that I ask you.

BALLIO

How now! Don't you salute me first?

SIMO

with a surly voice . I have no salutations to give away.

BALLIO

Well, troth, you shall get just as much from here then.

PSEUDOLUS

from behind . Well done, at the very beginning.

SIMO

Do you know any person in this lane, I ask you?

BALLIO

I know myself.

SIMO

Few persons do that which you mention; for in the Forum there is hardly every tenth person that knows his own self.

PSEUDOLUS

from behind . I'm all right; he is philosophizing now.

SIMO

I'm looking for a fellow here, a bad one, a law breaker, an impious, perjured, and dishonest rogue.

BALLIO

aside . He's looking for me, for those are my titles If he would only mention the name. To SIMMIA. What's the name of this person?

SIMO

Ballio, the procurer.

BALLIO

Do I know him? I am the very person, young man, that you are looking for.

SIMO

What, are you Ballio?

BALLIO

I really am he.

SIMO

How you are clothed, a housebreaker * * * * * * * * * * He takes hold of BALLIO'S cloak.

BALLIO

I think if you were to see me in the dark, you'd be keeping your hand off.

SIMO

My master bade me present you many greetings. Receive this letter from me; he bade me give you it.

BALLIO

Who's the person that bade you?

PSEUDOLUS

from behind . I'm undone, now the fellow's in the middle of the mud. He doesn't know the name--this business is at a dead lock.

BALLIO

Who do you say sent me this?

SIMO

Observe the seal; do you yourself tell me his name, that I may know that you are Ballio himself.

BALLIO

Give me the letter.

SIMO

Take it, and look at the seal. Gives him the letter.

BALLIO

looking at it . Oho! 'Tis nothing more nor less than Polymachæroplagides, his own very self; I recognize it. Hallo you, Polymachæroplagides is his name!

SIMO

I know now that I have rightly given you the letter, since you have mentioned the name of Polymachæroplagides,

BALLIO

How fares he?

SIMO

By my troth, just as a brave man and a good soldier should. But make haste, I beg, to read this letter through, for it is requisite to do so, and to take this money at once and send out the damsel. For it's necessary for me this day to be at Sicyon, or else to suffer death to-morrow; so peremptory is my master.

BALLIO

I know it: you are telling those who know it already.

SIMO

Make haste then to read the letter through.

BALLIO

I'll do so, if you'll only hold your tongue. He reads the letter. "The Captain Polymachæroplagides sends this letter, written to the procurer Ballio, sealed with the impression which was formerly agreed upon between us two."

SIMO

The token's in the letter

BALLIO

I see the token and I recognize it. But is he in the habit of sending no greeting written in his letter?

SIMO

Such is the military etiquette, Ballio; with their hand they send health to their well-wishers, and with the same do they send destruction to their evil-wishers. But as you have commenced, go on to ascertain of yourself what this letter says.

BALLIO

Listen then. Reading on. "Harpax is my camp-servant, who has come to you." Are you this Harpax?

SIMO

I am, and the real Harpax too.

BALLIO

reading on . "Who brings this letter; I wish the money to be received from him, and the woman to be sent together with him. 'Tis becoming to send greeting to the worthy; had I deemed you worthy, I should have sent it to you."

SIMO

What then?

BALLIO

Pay me the money, take away the woman.

SIMO

Which of us is delaying the matter?

BALLIO

Follow me in-doors then.

SIMO

I'm following. They go into BALLIO'S house.

PSEUDOLUS comes forward.

PSEUDOLUS

I' troth, a more artful fellow, and one more skilfully cunning, I never did see than is this same Simmia. Very much do I dread this man, and sadly do I fear that he may prove mischievous against myself just as he has been against him; lest in his prosperity he may now turn his horns against me, if he finds an opportunity. Should he prove mischievous towards me * * * * But, i' faith, for my part I hope not, for I wish well to him. Now in three ways am I in the greatest dread. First of all then, I dread this comrade of mine, lest he should forsake me and go over from me to the enemy. Next do I dread that my master should in the meantime return from the Forum; lest, the booty taken, the plunderers should be taken. Together with these things do I fear, lest that other Harpax should arrive here before this Harpax has departed hence with the woman. By my faith, I'm undone; they are very slow in coming out of doors. With baggage packed up, my heart is waiting, ready, if he doesn't bring out the damsel together with himself, to fly away in exile out from of my breast. * * * * * * The door of BALLIO'S house opens. I'm the conqueror-- I've got the better of my wary guards.

Enter SIMMIA, from BALLIO'S house, leading PHŒNICIUM.

SIMO

to PHŒNICIUM . Don't weep: you know not how the matter is, Phœnicium; but before long I'll let you know it when you are resting. I'm not leading you to that Macedonian long-teethed fellow, who now causes you to be weeping. To him will I lead you, whose you especially long to be. I'll cause you before very long to be embracing Calidorus.

PSEUDOLUS

Prithee, why did you stay so long in-doors? For how long a time was my heart throbbing with beating against my breast.

SIMO

You have found reason, you whipping-post, with a vengeance to be making enquires of me * * * * * * * amid the ambush of the enemy. Why don't we go home with all speed with military strides.

PSEUDOLUS

Now, by my troth, although you are a worthless fellow, you advise aright. March in triumphal procession, this way, straight in the path to the festive goblet. They march off in triumphal procession.

Enter BALLIO, from his house.

BALLIO

Ha, ha, ha! laughing. Now, at last, my mind is in a state of ease, since that fellow has departed hence, and taken away the woman. I should like Pseudolus now to come, that wicked rascal, to carry the woman off from me by his stratagems. I know for sure, right well, that I had rather in solemn form perjure myself a thousand times, than that he should cheat me by making a laughing-stock of me. By my troth now, I'll laugh at the fellow if I meet him. But I guess that he'll soon be on the treadmill, just as befits him. Now I wish for Simo that he would come in my way, in order that he might be joyful in common with my joy.

Enter SIMO.

SIMO

to himself . I'm going to see what business my Ulysses has transacted; whether he now has the statue from the Ballionian citadel.

BALLIO

O, lucky man! give me your lucky hand. Takes his hand.

SIMO

What's the matter?

BALLIO

Now.

SIMO

What now?

BALLIO

There's nothing at all for you to fear.

SIMO

What's the matter? Has that fellow Pseudolus come to you?

BALLIO

No.

SIMO

What good fortune is there, then?

BALLIO

Your twenty minæ are safe and sound which Pseudolus stipulated for from you this day.

SIMO

I' faith, I really do wish they were.

BALLIO

Ask of me twenty minæ if he this day gets hold of that woman, or gives her to your son this day, as he has promised. On my word, prithee, do demand them of me; I quite long to promise them. And, besides this, keep the woman as a present for yourself, that in every way you may know that your money's safe.

SIMO

There's no danger that I know of in making this bargain. According as you have solemnly pledged your word, will you give me twenty minæ?

BALLIO

They shall be given.

SIMO

This, indeed, is not sa badly done. But have you met the fellow?

BALLIO

Aye, both of them together.

SIMO

What did he say? What did ho talk about? Prithee, what did he mention to you?

BALLIO

Theatrical nonsense; expressions which, in comedies, are wont to be used to a procurer, which boys are acquainted with. He said that I was worthless, and wicked, and forsworn.

SIMO

I' faith, he told no lie.

BALLIO

'Twas for that reason I wasn't angry. For what matters it for you to speak uncivilly to him who cares not for it, and who don't deny the truth of what you say?

SIMO

Why is it that you are in no fear of him? That I'm longing to hear.

BALLIO

Because he never will carry the woman off now, nor is he able. Don't you yourself remember that I told you, some time since, that she had been sold to a Macedonian officer?

SIMO

I remember.

BALLIO

Well, his servant just now brought me the money, and the token with the impression, which had been arranged between himself and me.

SIMO

What then?

BALLIO

He took away with him the woman, not long since.

SIMO

Do you say this in real truth?

BALLIO

Whence could I possibly have that quality?

SIMO

Do you only take care that he hasn't been playing some trick there.

BALLIO

The letter and the impress on the seal make me sure. Indeed, 'twas but just now he took her off for Sicyon.

SIMO

Troth now, 'twas well done. Why do I delay to make Pseudolus give a name to a colony at the mill-stones? But who's this fellow in the scarf?

BALLIO

I don't know, i' faith; however, let's observe whither he's going, and what business he's upon. They stand on one side.

Enter HARPAX.

HARPAX

to himself . That slave's a base and worthless fellow, who values his master's commands at nought; and he, too, is good for nothing who is forgetful to do his duty unless he's put in mind. But those who forthwith deem themselves to be at liberty, when they have hidden themselves from the sight of their master, who riot, wench, devour what they have,--aye, what they have not,--long do those same endure the name of servitude. Nor is there any good disposition in them, except only that they may uphold themselves by their dishonest contrivances. With these, neither their company nor their conversation suits me, nor by these persons have I been ever known. Although he is away, I consider my master as being here; I fear him when he isn't here, that I may not have to fear him when he is here. Therefore, as I have been ordered, to this business will I give my attention. But that Syrus, to whom I gave the token, would have been letting me stay even yet in the shop. As he bade me, I stayed there; he said that he would send for me when the procurer was at home. But since he hasn't come, or called me while staying there, I'm come hither of my own accord, that I may know what is the fact, that that fellow mayn't be playing tricks with me. And there is nothing better than that I should knock at this door, and call some out here from indoors. I want this procurer to take this money of me, and to send off this woman with me. Goes towards BALLIO'S door.

BALLIO

from behind, to SIMO . Hark you!

SIMO

apart . What do you want?

BALLIO

apart . This fellow's my own. SIMO. apart . How so?

BALLIO

apart, pointing to the purse in the hand of HARPAX . Because that booty's mine. He's in search of a mistress he has got money. I already long to fix my teeth in him.

SIMO

apart . Are you going to devour him already?

BALLIO

apart . While he's fresh, while he's in the habit of giving away, while he's warm upon it, 'tis proper for him to be gobbled up. The good men keep me poor, the bad ones support me; the virtuous are a benefit to the public, the debauched to myself.

SIMO

aside . A mischief may the Gods send you; such a villain are you.

BALLIO

apart . Venus bestows upon me these blessings, when she drives hither these haters of money, these who quite long for losses, who carefully pamper themselves and their youthful age, eat, drink, and wench. Of quite different dispositions are they and you.

HARPAX

to himself . I'm now delaying myself, in not knocking at this door, that I may know whether or no Ballio is at home now. Calls out, going up to the door. Hallo! where are you? Hallo! where are you?

BALLIO

apart . Why, he's going straight up towards my house. I shall come off finely loaded with plunder from this fellow; I know it's a lucky omen for me.

HARPAX

knocking violently at the door . Does any one come to open this door?

BALLIO

calling out to him . Hallo! you in the scarf, what's owing you at that house?

HARPAX

I'm enquiring for Ballio, the procurer, the master of the house.

BALLIO

Whoever you are, young man, make short work of your enquiries.

HARPAX

Why so?

BALLIO

Because he himself in person sees you in his presence before him.

HARPAX

What, are you he?

SIMO

You in the scarf, take you care, please, of some crooked misfortune, and point your finger at him; this fellow is a procurer.

BALLIO

pointing to SIMO . And this is an honest man. To SIMO. But you, worthy fellow, are many a time being hunted after in the Forum with noise enough, when you haven't a groat in the world, unless this procurer here comes to help you a bit.

HARPAX

But why don't you address yourself to me?

BALLIO

I do address you. What is it you want?

HARPAX

You to take this money. He holds out the five minæ.

BALLIO

holding out his hand . Already have I extended my hand, if you are going to give it.

HARPAX

Take it; here are five picked minæ of silver counted out. Gives him the money. This did my master, Polymachæroplagides. order me to deliver to you, the sum which he was owing, and that you were to send Phœnicium with me.

BALLIO

Your master?

HARPAX

I say to that effect.

BALLIO

The Captain?

HARPAX

I speak to that effect.

BALLIO

The Macedonian?

HARPAX

Such is the fact, I say.

BALLIO

Polymachæroplagides sent you to me?

HARPAX

You say what's fact.

BALLIO

To give me this money?

HARPAX

If you really are the procurer Ballio.

BALLIO

And for you to take away the woman from me?

HARPAX

Even so.

BALLIO

Did he say that it was Phœnicium?

HARPAX

You remember it exactly.

BALLIO

Wait there; I'll return to you this instant.

HARPAX

Make haste, then, with all speed, for I'm in a hurry. 'Tis now late in the day, d'ye see?

BALLIO

I see; still I wish to call this person aside. Do you only wait there; I'll return to you this instant. He takes SIMO on one side. What's to be done now, Simo? What are we to do? I've detected this fellow that has brought the money in the fact.

SIMO

How so?

BALLIO

And don't you understand what this plan is?

SIMO

About as much as the most ignorant do.

BALLIO

Your servant, Pseudolus, has sent this fellow on the message, as though he was from the Macedonian Captain.

SIMO

Have you got the money from the fellow?

BALLIO

Do you ask about that which you see? Shows the purse in his hand.

SIMO

Harkye, remember to give me one half of that plunder. It's right that that should be in common.

BALLIO

Why, plague on't, 'tis all your own.

HARPAX

coming forward a step . How soon are you going to attend to me?

BALLIO

I'll attend to you, indeed. Aside. What now do you advise me to do, Simo?

SIMO

aside . Let's make some fun of this counterfeit spy, even until he himself shall be sensible that he is being made a fool of.

BALLIO

Follow me. To HARPAX. What have you to say? You are his servant, I suppose?

HARPAX

Most certainly.

BALLIO

At what price did he purchase you?

HARPAX

With the victory of his prowess in battle; for I was a very great general at home in my own country.

BALLIO

Why, did he ever capture a gaol in your country?

HARPAX

If you utter affronting speeches, you'll be hearing them.

BALLIO

In what time did you come from Sicyon hither?

HARPAX

In one day, by noon.

SIMO

Bravo! By my troth, you did come quickly; how very swift of foot this man is.

BALLIO

When you look at his calves, you might know that he can wear heavy fetters. How say you--were you also, when a child, in the habit of sleeping in a cradle?

SIMO

Of course.

BALLIO

And were you, too, in the habit of doing--you know what I mean?

SIMO

Of course he was in the habit of doing as other children did?

HARPAX

Are you men in your senses?

BALLIO

What, because I asked you that? At night, when the Captain was going on guard, and when you were going with him, did the sword of the officer fit your scabbard?

HARPAX

Go to utter perdition.

BALLIO

You, indeed, shall have the opportunity of going there in good time to-day.

HARPAX

But do you bring out the woman to me, or else give me back the money.

BALLIO

Wait a bit.

HARPAX

Why should I wait?

BALLIO

That scarf, tell me for how much it has been lent.

HARPAX

What matters it?

SIMO

How much is the sword hired for?

HARPAX

These fellows surely stand in need of hellebore.

BALLIO

How now--Takes hold of him. HAR. repulsing him . Leave me alone.

BALLIO

What wages does that broad-brimmed hat hire to-day for its owner?

HARPAX

What owner?

SIMO

What do the shoes? * * * * * * *

HARPAX

What are you dreaming about? Why, I'm the owner of all these things, bought with my own savings.

BALLIO

Those, you mean, which the upper part of your thighs supports.

HARPAX

aside . These old fellows have been anointed; they want themselves rubbed down, after the old-fashioned custom.

BALLIO

I' faith, prithee, answer me this truly and seriously, which I ask of you: What are you to earn? For how trifling a sum has Pseudolus hired you?

HARPAX

Who is this Pseudolus?

BAR.

Your tutor, who has instructed you in this knavery, to take away the woman hence from me by stratagem.

HARPAX

What Pseudolus, and what stratagem are you talking to me about? A person that I know of no colour, black or white.

BALLIO

Will you not be off from here? There's no profit here for swindlers to-day. Therefore you may tell Pseudolus that another person has carried off the prize-the first Harpax that came.

HARPAX

On my word, I really am that Harpax.

BALLIO

Aye, on my word, you want to be. This is nothing more nor less than a downright impostor.

HARPAX

I have given yourself the money, and a while ago, immediately on my arrival, the token to your servant; a letter sealed with the likeness of my master, here before the door.

BALLIO

You gave a letter to my servant? What servant?

HARPAX

To Syrus.

BALLIO

to SIMO . The wicked rogue has assurance enough. He hasn't contrived his knavish scheme amiss. By my faith, that whipping-post of a fellow, Pseudolus, how cleverly he has managed his plans; just as much money as the Captain owed, he has given this man, and has dressed out the fellow that he might take away the woman * * * * * * * * To HARPAX. But the real Harpax himself brought that letter hither to me.

HARPAX

My name is Harpax; I am the servant of the Macedonian Captain. I'm doing nothing roguishly or cheatingly, nor do I know or understand this Pseudolus, what mortal being he is.

SIMO

Unless it's something wonderful, procurer, you've clearly lost the woman.

BALLIO

Assuredly, by my troth, I'm in dread of that more and more, when I come to hear his words. I' faith, that Syrus, too, has already set my heart a-freezing, that received the token from him.

SIMO

'Tis a wonder if it isn't Pseudolus. To HARPAX. How now, you! of what appearance was the person to whom you delivered the token?

HARPAX

A certain red-haired fellow, pot-bellied, with thick calves, swarthy, with a big head, sharp eyes, red face, and very large feet.

BALLIO

You prove our undoing, when you mention the feet. It was Pseudolus himself. It's all up with me. I'm dying now, Simo.

HARPAX

By my troth, I shan't let you die, unless the money's returned me-twenty minæ.

SIMO

And another twenty minæ to me as well.

BALLIO

to SIMO . And is the sum to be taken of me that I promised by way of a joke?

SIMO

From unprincipled men it's proper for both their money and their plunder to be taken.

BALLIO

At least you might give up Pseudolus to me.

SIMO

I, give up Pseudolus to you? What has he done amiss? Did I not tell you a hundred times that you were to beware of him?

BALLIO

He has ruined me.

SIMO

And on me he has laid a fine of twenty fair minæ.

BALLIO

What am I to do then?

HARPAX

When you have given me the money--go hang yourself.

BALLIO

The Gods confound you. To HARPAX. Follow me, then, this way, please, to the Forum, that I may pay you.

HARPAX

I follow you.

SIMO

What am I to do?

BALLIO

Strangers I'll pay at once; to-morrow I'll settle with fellow-citizens. Pseudolus has been holding a councilgeneral against my life, in sending that fellow to me to-day to carry off the woman. To HARPAX. Do you follow me, To the AUDIENCE. Now don't you be expecting that I shall be returning home this way. As matters stand, I've determined to go through the alleys.

HARPAX

If you had walked at the rate you talk, you'd by this have been at the Forum.

BALLIO

I'm determined to make this, instead of my birthday, my dying day. (Exit BALLIO, HARPAX following.)

SIMO, alone

SIMO

I've touched this fellow handsomely, and cleverly has my servant managed his adversary. Now am I resolved to lie in ambush for Pseudolus in a different manner to what's done in other plays, where people lie in wait with goads or whips. Without revenge will I at once pay down the twenty minæ which I promised if he should effect it. I'll carry them to him of my own accord. This creature is very clever, very cunning, very artful. Pseudolus has surpassed the Trojan stratagem and Ulysses too. Now I'll be off in-doors. I'll take out the money; I'll lie in ambush for Pseudolus. Goes into his house.

Enter PSEUDOLUS, drunk, with a chaplet on his head.

PSEUDOLUS

staggering . How's this? And is it the fact? Feet-are you standing or not? Or is it this you want, some; one to pick me up here as I lie? But, by my faith, if I do fall down, yours will be the fault. Are you going to go? Heigho! I must wait upon myself. This is the great fault in wine; it first lays hold of the feet; 'tis a cunning wrestler. By my faith, assuredly am I now come off right well drenched; with such exquisite viands, with such becoming elegance, in such a delightful place, have we been delightfully entertained. What's the need for me to make much prosing? This is the thing for a man, an object for him to pass his life for; here are all pleasures and all delights. I think that the ecstasy is equal to that of the Deities, when the lover embraces his mistress, when he places lip to lip, when melting kisses are exchanged, when breast is pressed to breast, or else, if they please, they are locked in strict embrace; then for your most loving mistress, with her white hand, to be pledging you in the luscious goblet, for no one there to be disagreable to another, for no one to be indulging in silly conversation; for unguents and perfumes, ribbons and festive wreaths, to be provided in profusion; and for the rest of the entertainment, too, to be provided in no niggardly style. That no one may have to question me then, in this manner have myself and my young master been spending this day in jollity. After I had fulfilled all my task just as I intended, the enemy put to flight, I was leaving them reclining and drinking, each lover with his mistress, and my own mistress there as well, indulging heart and soul. But after I had risen, they begged me to dance. After this fashion he dances did I show myself off there quite charmingly, in a master-like style, to wit; for I am thoroughly acquainted with the Ionian step. Thus, clad in my little mantle, full of fun, I was stepping about, this way. Some of them clapped me, others cried out for me to dance again. In that same Ionian fashion once again did I begin to take a turn; I presented myself to my mistress, that she might caress me; as I was pirouetting, down I tumbled: that was the funeral dirge for my sport. And so, while I was a-struggling to get up, near----, almost, I mean, I soiled my mantle. Then, by my troth, I was the cause of plenteous mirth. A goblet was presented me on account of my fall. Forthwith I changed my mantle, and put on this; thence have I come hither, that I might get rid of my surfeit. Now I'm going to my old master, to put him in mind of our bargain. Open-open the door. Hallo, there! Tell Simo, somebody, that I'm here. Knocks at the door of SIMO'S house.

Enter SIMO, from his house.

SIMO

The voice of a rascally fellow is calling me out of doors. He stares at PSEUDOLUS. But what's this? How's this? What is it I see in this guise?

PSEUDOLUS

staggering towards him . Your own Pseudolus, drunk, with a chaplet on.

SIMO

to himself . By my troth, this is free and easy indeed. But see his attitude; is he on my account a bit the more afraid? I'm thinking whether I shall address him harshly or kindly. But this pointing to a purse in his hand that I'm carrying forbids me to use rough measures towards him just now; if there's any hope for me, centred in this.

PSEUDOLUS

staggering up to SIMO . A worthless fellow is coming to meet the best of men.

SIMO

May the Gods bless you, Pseudolus. PSEUDOLUS eructates. Foh! go to utter perdition. Pushes him away.

PSEUDOLUS

But why should I have that mischance befal me?

SIMO

Why, the plague, in your drunkenness, are you eructating in my face?

PSEUDOLUS

Hold me up, steadily; take care that I don't fall. Don't you see me, how drenched and soaking I am?

SIMO

What impudence is this, for you to be going about this way in broad daylight, drunk, with a chaplet on?

PSEUDOLUS

Such is my pleasure. Eructates again. SIMO. Why your pleasure? Do you persist in eructating in my very face?

PSEUDOLUS

An eructation is comforting to me; do indulge me in it; do but stand off.

SIMO

For my part I really do believe, you villain, that you are able in a single hour to drink up four right plentiful vintages of the Massic hills.

PSEUDOLUS

A winter hour, add.

SIMO

You don't remind me amiss. But tell me, however, whence I am to say that you are bringing your deeply-laden bark?

PSEUDOLUS

I've just been having a thorough bout with your son. That damsel is the cause of this; along with your son she is carousing, a free woman.

SIMO

You are a most worthless fellow.

PSEUDOLUS

But, Simo, wasn't Ballio nicely diddled? How well I carried what I told you into effect.

SIMO

I know everything in its order, just as you managed each particular.

PSEUDOLUS

Why, then, do you hesitate to pay me the money?

SIMO

You ask what's just, I confess; take it. Gives him the money.

PSEUDOLUS

But you declared that you wouldn't give it me; and still do you give it.

SIMO

Are you laughing at me? What? Are you going to take this from your master, Pseudolus?

PSEUDOLUS

With most willing heart and soul.

SIMO

Prithee, can't you venture to make me an abatement of some portion of this money?

PSEUDOLUS

No: you shall say that I really am a greedy fellow; for you shall never be richer by a single coin of this money.

SIMO

Well, I really didn't suppose that it would ever come to pass with me that I should be begging of you.

PSEUDOLUS

Load your shoulder with it, and follow me this way. Pointing.

SIMO

I--load myself with that?

PSEUDOLUS

You will load yourself, I'm sure.

SIMO

What am I to do to this fellow? Doesn't he, contrary to my expectation, take my money, and then laugh at me?

PSEUDOLUS

Woe to the conquered: turn your back, then. Turns him round.

SIMO

Oh! oh! desist. Let me alone--I'm in pain.

PSEUDOLUS

Were you not in pain, I should be in pain; and no compassion would you have had for my back, if I hadn't this day managed this.

SIMO

There will be an opportunity for me to be revenged on you, if I live.

PSEUDOLUS

Why do you threaten? I've got a back of my own.

SIMO

Very well, then. Moves as if going. PSEUD. Come you back then.

SIMO

Why come back?

PSEUDOLUS

Only come you back; you shall not be deceived.

SIMO

turns round . I am come back. PSEUD. Come and have a drink with me.

SIMO

What--I, come?

PSEUDOLUS

Do as I ask you. If you do come, I'll let you take half of this, or even more. Points to the purse in his hand.

SIMO

I'll come; take me where you like, Pseudolus.

PSEUDOLUS

How now then? Are you at all angry with me or with your son, Simo, on account of these matters?

SIMO

Certainly, not at all.

PSEUDOLUS

going . Step this way now.

SIMO

I follow you. But why don't you invite the Spectators as well?

PSEUDOLUS

turning round . I' faith, they are not in the habit of inviting me; and, therefore, I don't invite them. But if you addressing the AUDIENCE are willing to applaud and approve of this company of players, and this Comedy, I invite you for to-morrow.