Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You
Sister Mary Ignatius enters the lecture hall, beams at the audience, and starts by crossing herself and praying, “In the name of the Father, the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen.” She begins her lecture to the audience by explaining the various forms of the afterlife (heaven, hell, purgatory, and limbo.) Sister Mary’s definitions are absolute: Heaven is where we live in happiness with our Lord Jesus Christ, Hell is where all the sinners go (such sins include sex outside of marriage, hijacking a plane, and masturbation), purgatory is for those who were not perfect in life, and limbo is where all of the unbaptized babies go.
Sister Mary introduces us to her prize student, Thomas, an obedient seven-year-old boy. Sister Mary quizzes him on all of the Commandments, giving him a cookie whenever he answers a question correctly. She, then, starts to answer questions from the audience, happily responding to any question relating to her disturbing childhood with her mean parents and 26 brothers and sisters. Religious questions, such as, “If God is all powerful, how can he allow evil to exist?” are largely ignored. Sister Mary, however, graciously shares her list of people who are going to burn in hell (Roman Polanski, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and Brooke Shields are a select few.)
Sister Mary’s sermon is interrupted by four of her former students, who claim she asked them to stop by and perform one of her favorite pageants. Sister Mary is taken aback, but allows the pageant to proceed. The pageant is a ridiculous retelling of the birth of Jesus Christ, featuring Joseph (Gary), Mary (Diane), and their stupid two-humped camel Misty (Philomena plays the front of the Camel, Aloysius plays the back).
Once the pageant is over, Sister Mary learns more about her former pupils by asking them questions about their life. They include: Philomena, a kind, but lonely, woman who has an illegitimate child; Aloysius, an alcoholic who beats his wife; Gary, a young man who is openly gay and happy about