Shakespeare in Hollywood

Ooh! It’s in my eye! Stupid flower! Ooh,

Will Hays

Shakespeare in Hollywood

See more monologues from Ken Ludwig


Age Range
Act 2, Scene 1
Time & Place
Jack Warner’s Hollywood Mansion, 1934,
Time Period
Show Type

Monologue Context

In this scene, Hollywood censor Will Hays, a serious and self-important individual

Monologue Text

Ooh! It’s in my eye! Stupid flower! Ooh, it stings. Maybe I can get it out… (he pulls out his mirror and looks into it, and Ping! His jaw drops. He’s enraptured by the image in the mirror.) But soft! What light through yonder window breaks! It is the East, and I am the sun! Oooh! My God! Tis beauty truly blent! Ha ha! (He swaggers around in front of his image.) Is this a swagger that I see before me? (He kisses his image in the mirror.) My person beggars all description. I could hop 40 paces through the street and make defect perfection! I could make me a willow cabin at my gate. And let the babbling gossip of the air cry out “Will Hays! Will Hays!” God in Heaven, just look at that face. So strong, and yet so vulnerable. So harsh, yet so playful. Demanding, yet kindly. Noble, but with a common touch. It’s no wonder people frown at me all the time. They’re jealous. They all want to be me! Ha! To be or not to be me, That is the question! We’ll fix them. I’ll fix them good. I’ll listen to all their little complaints, and I’ll smile and smile and be a villain and I’ll say NO! You may not fill your films with smut in the name of art. I will not have it! You may not wheedle another concession out of me! You may not bribe me with fame or women or money! Unless it’s a lot of money! There shall be no more compromises! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Lead on, MacDuff! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ludwig, Ken. Shakespeare in Hollywood. Samuel French, Inc., New York, NY. 2005. pp. 75-76.

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