The Russian army attacked Poland, determined to overthrow Papa Ubu.
At last I find shelter. I am alone here. This is not a pity, but what a wild race – to cross the whole of Poland in four days! Every possible misfortune assailed me at once. No sooner does that fat arse leave, but I go to the crypt to become richer. Soon afterwards I almost get stoned to death by Bougrelas and his fanatics. I lose my cavalier, the Paladin Lap, who was so enamoured of my charms that he would swoon with joy at seeing me, and even, I’m assured, when he didn’t look at me – which is the height of passion. He would have cut himself in half for me, the poor boy. The proof is that he has been cut into quarters by Bougrelas. Biff, boff, boom! Ah! I think I’m about to die. Then, therefore, I take flight, pursued by the furious mob. I leave the palace. I arrive at the Vistule. All the bridges are guarded. I swim across the stream, hoping to evade my pursuers. On all sides the nobility assembles and pursues. A thousand times I cheat death, persecuted by a mob of Polacks lusting for my blood. In short I escaped their fury, and after four days of tramping through the snow of what was my kingdom, I arrive to take refuge here. I’ve had nothing to eat or drink these four days. Bougrelas was closing in on me. But at last, I’m safe. Ah! I’m dying of weariness and cold. But I would like to know what became of my thick buffoon, I mean to say my very esteemed spouse. After all, did I steal his money? Did I run off with his rixdales? Have I taken one lousy bean?! And his Horse of Phynances, that was dying of hunger – it didn’t see oats often, the poor devil. Ah! What a great story. But alas! I lost my treasure! It’s at Warsaw, go look for it who will.
Alfred Jarry, King Ubu (Ubu Roi), Trans. Patrick Wittacker, Smashwords, 2007. https://www.patakosmos.com/database-open-access/king-ubu-alfred-jarry.pdf
More about this monologue