Crumpet the elf, an exhausted actor/retail employee at Macy’s holiday
Start: Today I worked as an Exit Elf, telling people in a loud voice, “THIS WAY OUT OF SANTALAND.” A woman was standing at one of the cash registers paying for her pictures, while her son lay beneath her, kicking and heaving, having a tantrum.
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End: I said, “He’s going to take your car and your furniture and all the towels and blankets and leave you with nothing.” The woman said, “No, that’s enough, really.”
For full extended monologue, please refer to clips or the script edition cited here: Mantello, Joe, and Sedaris, David. The Santaland Diaries. Dramatists Play Service, New York, NY. 1998. p. 28.
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