The Santaland Diaries

Today I worked as an Exit Elf, telling p


The Santaland Diaries

See more monologues from Joe Mantello, David Sedaris


Age Range
Act One, Scene One,
Time & Place
Macy’s Department Store, New York City, 1980s, 1990s
Time Period
Show Type

Monologue Context

Crumpet the elf, an exhausted actor/retail employee at Macy’s holiday Santaland, is

Monologue Text

Today I worked as an Exit Elf, telling people in a loud voice, “THIS WAY OUT OF SANTALAND.” A woman was standing at one of the cash registers paying for her pictures, while her son lay beneath her, kicking and heaving, having a tantrum. The woman said, “Riley, if you don’t start behaving yourself, Santa’s not going to bring you any of those toys you asked for.”

The child said, “He is too going to bring me the toys, liar, he already told me.”

The woman grabbed my arm and said, “You there, Elf, tell Riley here that if he doesn’t start behaving immediately, then Santa’s going to change his mind and bring him coal for Christmas.”

I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you’re bad, he comes to your house, and steals things. I told Riley that if he didn’t behave himself, Santa was going to take away his TV and all his electrical appliances and leave him in the dark. “All your appliances, including the refrigerator. Your food is going to spoil and smell bad. It’s going to be so cold and dark where you are. Man, Riley, are you ever going to suffer. You’re going to wish you never heard the name Santa.”

The woman got a worried look on her face and said, “All right, that’s enough.”

I said, “He’s going to take your car and your furniture and all the towels and blankets and leave you with nothing.”

The woman said, “No, that’s enough, really.”

Mantello, Joe, and Sedaris, David. The Santaland Diaries. Dramatists Play Service, New York, NY. 1998. p. 28.

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