Annie: (_startles and wakes, and speaks...

Annie: (startles and wakes, and speaks to audience) Sorry about that. Wow, I actually fell asleep. I was just reading all about sleep. Seems like I read about it more than I do it. Not MY sleep—the baby’s. You’d think sleep would come naturally, you know, “sleep like a baby” and all that. But no, apparently you have to read a book about it. It’s like the breast-feeding advice on “The Leaky Boob” or the videos you’re supposed to watch on YouTube to learn how to bathe your child without drowning him. What did mothers do before books and blogs and Google? (yawns) I deal with the baby at night because my husband needs to sleep...because you know...he WORKS. (ironic pause) But these books: it’s the contrast that really gets me. Taking in advice as a mother is a tricky business. (pick up a book) One says to let your 6 month old infant scream themselves to sleep for a week, after you’ve been strapped to the bed of course to tough it out...and then you’re home free. (pick up another book) Then the other one preambles all advice with a warning: “Any deviation from our advice can cause severe disruption of the mother/child bond.” They say you must sleep with your children, until they’re ready to leave your bed, and what? Go off to college? Talk about guilt! How do I know who’s right here? Then there’s the advice from your mother. My mom called the other day to give me her two cents on the sleep issue. Ironically, I’d just started taking a nap when she called. It didn’t’ go well. I just can’t listen to any advice from my mother, especially if it makes sense. I know it’s immature, but it just infuriates me too much. I feel so judged. And, God forbid I ask her for some real help: Can you watch Jasper on Monday so I can have a break? (imitating mother voice) “No, I have my historical walking tour of Chinatown Monday.” What about Thursday? (imitating mother) “Don’t you remember? I have my senior Zumba class on Thursday.” Ugh! They just don’t make grandmothers like they used to. And if I listened to my grandmother’s advice...I might end up with my mother as a child. And trust me, that would not be good. (hears baby crying) Oh damn, is that Jasper waking up already? Ugh. Coming, Sweetie. (reluctantly goes off stage)