Jill is speaking to "Benny," a tomboy, and her "second
You’ve got to swear to keep this quiet, Benny. Marisa is gay. But she won’t tell anyone. I’m the only person she’s told. And after she told me, she … tried to kiss me. Well she did kiss me.
(Benny asks if there was tongue). Benny! Yeah, there was tongue. And I didn’t totally hate it.
So after … Marisa says, she says she’s scared to come out by herself … but she thinks she could do it if I would come out with her.
What could I say? Just because I felt a little chemistry doesn’t mean, it doesn’t mean I’m gay. I mean, one kiss with Marisa and it’s not like, I mean I’m still attracted to boys – even though most of them are idiots – I still …
I can’t just switch sides on a whim. And that's when she says, “So don’t do it on a whim. Do it after we make love.” So what did I do? I did her.
No, not really!! But that’s what you wanted me to say, right? See, this is why you’re my second best friend, Benny! No. In actuality I freaked out. I ran the hell out of there.
Next day she shows up at my dorm. Pissed. She says, it was really hard coming out to me the way she did. And my “treating her like a leper” has just made it even harder for her to ever come out.
And you know what. I’m pissed. Because it’s not fair, her putting all this on me. And in fact, it’s not fair that she’s staying in the closet when she has all these boys pining after her and going crazy trying to be with her, when she could just let them all off the hook if she’d come out.
And considering one of those boys was my boyfriend .. well ex …. That’s what’s really messed up, Brandon and I would probably be still together if she would come out. She admits to me, part of why it’s so hard for her, it’s not the fear of how people will see her. It’s the loss of all those crazy, obsessed guys, like Brandon, who’ve always followed her around through life. She enjoys the attention.
So I say, that whole thing where a guy need only compare her to the right movie star to unlock her heart is just an urban legend, or I guess a campus legend … and I say to her “I bet it’s just a game you play with the boys to string them along.” And she says, she asks if I’m calling her a liar. And I say, I say – “no, I’m calling you a lying lezzie.”
And she says to me, she says, “Thank you, thank you for helping me see what it would be like if I really came out to everyone.” She says to me, “thanks to you I’ll just stay in the closet forever and let Brandon screw me.” Yeah. It’s a mess.
Source page of author's site: Monologue Genie
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