HEEEEYYY! WASSUUUP! IT’S A PARTY UP IN...

HEEEEYYY! WASSUUUP! IT’S A PARTY UP IN- AYYYY! ‘Scuse me. I just ate some two-day old tripa tacos and was trying to exorcise this demon from my bowelsss. Stuped! That’s what I get for experimenting with food. I swear, we Latinos don’t spare any part of the animal do we? We eat the feet, the ears, the nalgas... I think it’s digustinsss. If you ask me, I think it’s ridiculusss.

Thank you’s for coming to this group session. Wow, so many of y’alls. I have been brought here by special request from the Goddess TITICaca! Oooh mighty TITICaca! Thank you for bringing me forf today!

Anteways, let me start off by introducing myselfs: I am La Cha-Cha-Cha, Psychic curandera to the peoplesss and bruja extraordinaire. I can talk to the dead at the same time that I’m reading you the tarot and making you a hell of a potion for the stomach cramps those frijoles gave you last night; though nobody told your ass to buy the off brand at the pulga! Also, before I continue, let me advise that there will be no refunds. I repeat: NO FREAKING REFUNDS! What I do is for the betterment of our peoplesss. I get the messages from the other side, give them to you, then it’s up to you to follow them or not. Don’t you come up in here telling me “You told me to dump el Junior because he was cheating on me with La flaca, La Shy girl, and El Simpatico but that was all a lie!” Don’t you complain to me! It’s not my fault your dead grandmother is sending me false messages and is a LIAR!

Another rule: if you wanna bring your aunt Pepita to come see me you best bring an interpreter cause I only knows Spanglish. I was born and raised in El Barrio, New York. I’m half Puerto Rican and Half Dominican. Yeah, I don’t know how that one happened either. Anteways, just cause I live here don’t mean I know Spanish. I know just enough Spanish to survive. I know how to say “Taco”,“Culo”, and “Maldito”! I learned that last one from watching the novelas with my moms. I am so sick of people complaining about me not knowing “Proper Spanish”! I am in the USA! I am a Latina American Goddess. Emphasis on AMERICAN. Emphasis on Goddess! I am the fire in your comal. The earf in your Marijuana. The wind in your no air-conditioned house. The chile in your taco.

Alright. So, I was told I’m supposed to give you peoplesss a demonstration of what it is I do but first, I gots to condensate. Ya know... Focus. Ready? (Goes into trance. These next audience interactions can be changed according to the sex of the person that is picked.)

-(to female audience member) What’s your name? It’s not. Someone did brujeria on your ass. Your real name is… David! Oooh girl! They went all out on you!

-You right there… You married? Yes, they are telling me you are. You having trouble with your pee pee? This is what you do: You take a live chicken… Oh, my bad. If you having trouble finding a live chicken just go up to Queens or Bergenline in Jersey to any of those Mexicans backyards… Take the chicken and run. Anteways, you take the live chicken and you smack it across your pee pee while you chant this: Vente pee pee no te quedes. Ahi voy (2x). You’ll be up and ready’s to go in no time.

-You! You know someone named Maria, Lupe, or Rosario, right?

-Everyone here likes tacos, right? I knew it! Damn I’m good!

Woo, I’m on fire! The goddess is working with me, baby! I love working with these peoplesss. I have been working with them for a long time now.

The first time I realized I had THE GIFT I was fifteen. I met this guy on my block named Lashawn Quandell and he just rocked my hormonal world. He called me his “beeyatch” and took me to the clouds and back. Wooo, the cocoa skin on that boy. The dark eyes, thick lips… Mmmm, that boy could back flip me like a tortilla on a skillet. Know what I’m saying? Then I got pregnant and told my moms. She beat the crap out of me. Talking about: “Oh my God! You pregnant?” “OH MY GOD! YOU HAD SEX WITH A NEGRO? YOU HAD SEX WITH A BLACK GUY? You just like your father! Worthless! How could you do this to me! Puta, cabrona, desgraciada! What is that child gonna look like? What is the family gonna say.” I’m like: “Moms! Is not like you so huera yourself. You got African blood in you too. We all do”! “MIRA, CABRONA, MALDITA SUCIA!”

And that moment when she was smacking my face with her pink chancla from Payless. When she was bashing my head against the kitchen wall over and over again. That was when I had a revelation. I remember dreaming. I felt this dark matter come out of my body. It smelled weird and spit but it was pretty and full of light. I was at peace. I remember waking up in the hospital and my aunt was crying but I was like: “Shoo… I have just been illuminated by the Goddess TITICaca”! Then it happened. I started to see other peoples in the room. You know… spiritsss. Then I started to repeat what was being told to me by these spiritsss and everyone was just quiet. I couldn’t believe everyone was paying attention. My moms came out of jail and she was paying attention. People were actually hanging on my every word. I knew right there and then what my destiny was.

But with every gift comes a pain in the culo. Nobody wanted to listen to Juana. They only wanted to speak to La Cha-cha-cha. They only wanted to know if Fefita was cheating on Tiofilo or if I could rub a huevo on them. It’s like… I got the attention I wanted but like I wasn’t there anymore. Like the real me was gone. It didn’t matter though. The goddess had a mission for me.

I’m just going on and on about my stuped self and my novela. This is about ya’ll! Lets get back to the demonstrationsss. For this next part of the session I will need a couple. Please raise your hand if you are a couple. Okay, you two stand up. Today! Now, let La Cha-cha-cha do her thang. This is what’s called: PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS. Or as I like to call it: THE SH#T’S ABOUT TO HIT THE FAN. (she breaths in and faints. Out of nowhere she wakes up with a look of terror). I have a terrible secret for you! Oh no. Oh no. Noooooo! You know what, mija? It’s not anybody here’s business what’s going on with ya’ll but I know just how to fix your problem. These men just piss me off. Have a seat, mija. You too, hoe! I should do some pee pee voodoo on your ass.

Listen up ladies: this is what I like to call the GET RID OF THAT PUTA spell. If your chulo is walking down the street and someone won’t get off his back, you come to La Cha-cha-cha. That bitch can run but she cannot hide!

First off, you will need some ingredients:

-A slice of skin from any representative at city hall. Let’s see how their asses like being cut.

-For that extra hoe energy, add a dash of glitter eye shadow you got for $12.99 at the dollar store. And don’t act like you don’t go there!

-Finally, a dash of OREGANO for that mother earf factor.

After you gots the potion ready you will need to repeat these words:

Twirl her eyeballs round and round

Make her chichis fall to the ground

Let her see the hoe she is

Make her pun tang turn to cheese whiz

By the power invested in Christina Aguilera’s skanky nalgas, I pronounce this hoe ugly! (CHANT. This chant is actually one of those Christina Aguilera vocal vamps) - You take that potion, stuff it in a 40 ounce and leave it outside that skank’s house. A Free 40 ounce? She won’t be able to resist. And the rest, ladies and gentlemen, will take care of itself.

Oh no! I gots to go! I’m sorrys. I’m late for an appointment. But don’t forget what I said. I get the messages from the other side, I give them to yous, then it’s up to yous to follow them or not. You peoples gots to take responsibility for your own actions. And next time when you come to see me or I see you and I say “how are you?” it would be nice if you would say “fine, and you?”

Almost forgot. I have to cleanse this room of any negative energy. (Takes out a spray bottle and starts spraying). It’s okay. It’s only caca water from the bowels of the Hudson river. May the Goddess Titicaca be witchu always and forever! If any one of you wants to make a private appointment, leave your name and major credit card number at the door. And now the final step to end our session:

Platanomangopinatomatejalapenoszas!

For licensing inquiries, please visit Marco Antonio Rodriguez