Chula Cholula, the owner of Pico De Gallo restaurant, has invited
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Do y’all feel the spirit tonight? I said do y’all feel the spirit tonight! Hallelujiah! My name is Reverend Jambalaya Dumplin. Welcome all: Catholics, Christians, Buddhists, Pentecostals, Mormons, their many wives and so on… Whatever God you worship, welcome.
I tell ya, the locusts must be fallin’ from the sky, the plagues must be spreadin’, and the 3 horsemen must be ridin’ to bring forth the apocalypse because I am shocked that we have finally all come together in one room! Give yourselves a round of applause. Okay, y’all can stop clapping. I said STOP! Y’all gettin’ self-righteous now!
Now here’s a warning: Do not talk to each other about each others’ Gods, or there will be a guaranteed riot. If you just cannot resist the temptation to talk about your God, and I know many of you just can’t help yourselves, the bullet-proof vests, holy water, and exorcism books, are under your seats.
Now you, The Mother superior sitting in the third row… No not the Muslim with the head wrap, love the motif though. You go girl. No you, the MOTHER SUPERIOR with the hand carved crucifix. Love it! Loooove it! You know, nothing says CATHOLIC like a twenty-pound wooden crucifix hanging from your neck. Hallelujiah honey how are ya? Let me ask you something, girl… have you ever looked up at your altar and wondered: What is missing? This altar just doesn’t say BLISS. It doesn’t sparkle, it doesn’t make me want to shout out and scream HALLELUJIAH! I mean, I’ve got the gold laminated Virgin, the gold laminated priest robes, and the gold laminated bibles on every gold laminated bench, right? What is missing? Well, stop the prayin’ girl, ‘cause I’ve got the products you need right here. Presenting the new and improved line of religious products: DIVINE & DELICIOUS. That’s right, devoted ones. There’s something here for everyone. DIVINE & DELICIOUS has come out with products that will make your holy temple razzle dazzle. Your God is guaranteed to be satisfied!
I know I know, I better hurry up and get started ‘cause according to some of ya’ll the rapture is coming and I don’t want to waste no time but let me tell ya, this is worth the wait! Let us begin. (takes out first product)
This is RIGHTEOUS RICK, the mega-religion posable statue. This beauty has been blessed by every priest, pope, Virgin, Reverend, Pastor, Dali lama…you name it. It fits any religion. Put him on his knees, he’s a Catholic. Put his hands up in the air he’s a Buddhist flower lotus. Bang his head against the floor, he’s a Baptist. Put him on a bike, he’s a Mormon. Put a wig on him, he’s a Pagan Goddess! It also comes equipped with 4 extra attachable limbs for the Hindus in the house. This beauty is guaranteed to add that extra blessing you need for your shrine and is only 49.99. Plus 479 dollars and 54 cent shipping and handling.
Now this is my personal favorite. For the Southern Baptists and the Pentecostals: The Halleluiah Healing Holy Helmet! How many times do you get in the spirit only to be knocked out by a pew, your neighbor, or a wall? There’s nothin’ you can do. You can’t fight the spirit. Here’s your solution. Put this puppy on and say goodbye to blackouts and headaches. Nothin’ can come between you and the spirit. The Halleluiah Healing Holy Helmet is just five tiny payments of 300.00. That’s it! Can you believe it? How do we stay in business? And if you act now we’ll throw in an extra bonus product: THE WEBSTER’S NEW WORLD SPEAKING IN TOUNGUES DICTIONARY! No more wondering what in the world your preacher or neighbor is saying when the spirit takes over. “Assamamlalalratahtah-Shamalamadingdong!” That means: Get out of my way before I knock you out!
Now this is my personal favorite: The Mary Magdalene line of cosmetics! They are hypoallergenic and edible. Mmmm! Tastes like licorice! It also comes with a great dessert cookbook: The Mary Magdalene It’s so good it’s GOT TO be a sin cookbook! Now, I have a special going on with these. If you buy the Mary Magdalene line of cosmetics within the next two weeks you’ll receive your very own… (Pulls out doll) Little Homey JC! Little Homey JC comes with his own adoption papers. You too can be the parents of the next messiah!
Now this next product is my personal favorite. For my Jehovah Witnesses’ in the house: Babylonia Boomerang! Picture this: you are walking down a suburban neighborhood. Thousands and thousands of houses to knock on. You see an entire family running into their house as they spot you. There’s no time to talk. You about to lose some souls! You can’t scream and even if you knock they’re gonna pretend not to be home anyway so what do you do? Here’s the solution. Stand outside their house with Babylonia Boomerang, aim, throw, and poof! You are guaranteed to be heard. Those souls will be yours in no time. We are having a sale with this product. You get two Babylonia Boomerangs for the price of one so you and your buddy can babble from here to Babylon. And if you order now you’ll also get this extra bonus product. Drum roll please!
TADA! THE SCRATCH N’ SNIFF EYE SEE YOU SINNING JESUS CHRIST HOLOGRAM! His eyes follow you everywhere you go. Lurking. Questioning. Guaranteed to lower the sin count in your household. You can be the proud owner of these products for just 50% of all your yearly earnings for the next five years!
Now, because I am a DIVINE & DELICIOUS Divinated proud representative I have to give y’all our company disclaimer: DIVINE & DELICIOUS products do not come with any kind of guarantee. We are so sure of our products that we didn’t feel we had to give you one. Any mishandling or misuse of the products will be strictly your fault. You will be the ones to blame and suffer in hell fire for all eternity. Some of the products have been known to cause severe symptoms of schizophrenia, visions, and stigmata. DIVINE & DELICIOUS is not responsible for any karma, immaculate conceptions, apocalypses’, anti-christs, wars, virus spreads, or messiah/Joan of Arc wannabes. These are all strictly your responsibility, not ours. You, the consumer, understands that DIVINE & DELICIOUS does not take responsibility for your own individual actions. What you do with these powerful products is strictly up to you. You, the consumer also realizes that, although these are very powerful products, they are only tools to help you along your spiritual path. These products may or may not work on your behalf but your money will not be returned to you. The ultimate determining factor of how these products will work lies right here, in your heart. That’s where faith really is. (beat)
BUT! The heart does fail, and some of us don’t even have one so DIVINE & DELICIOUS has been working on a new line of pure and Powerful Plastic hearts available for transPlants next summer.
Ladies and gentlemen, you guys have been such a great audience! Thank you so much. I will be taking your orders in the back. All major credit cards accepted. Please, nobody move until I get my bodyguards to come out. You are too sweet! This is Reverend Jambalaya Dumplin’ sayin’: Love, spirituality, & truth to you all!!!
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