Alex

In middle school I was in love with this

Perry

Alex

See more monologues from Jeremy Johnson



Basics

Show
Character
Gender
Age Range
Style
Scene
Act 1, Scene 7
Time & Place
America, Present Day
Length
Time Period
Show Type

Monologue Context

Perry’s testicles have just been tasered. He is in pain so severe, it has activated

Monologue Text

In middle school I was in love with this girl. My friends and I called her the girl with the magnetic house. She was this high school chick, we didn't know her name. Her house had aluminum siding, or whatever it was, some metal that we could stick magnets to. We had a theory that everything in the world was slowly being pulled into that one house. One day, I was walking by her house with this other kid, who always gave me sh#t about my dick size or ball size, not that he'd seen either. This is just how he talked to people. I think he turned out to be gay, for real. Anyway, he tells me to just knock on this girl's door and ask her out. Called me Baby-balls. Drove me f#$king crazy, Baby-balls. I can still hear is f#$king voice. So I said f#$k it, I walked up the steps to her door and knocked. I was wearing these new high-tops, I remember. I'd been getting compliments on them all day, so my confidence was at an all-time high. Like, this moment was just meant to be. So this girl answers, and she's gorgeous, right? Blonde hair, green eyes, she was holding an instrument. A violin maybe. I said what's your name. She said Kerry. I said I'm Perry. I guess our names rhyme. She says so. I say so we should go out sometime. She smiles. God she was so pretty, not like in a pervy way, like just in a perfect, like beautiful kind of awkward way. She looks at my high-tops, dude, and she says, and I'll never f#$king forget this, she says nice shoes. You should wear those tonight when you take me out for ice cream. Oh my God! It was the happiest moment of my life before or since, I sh#t you not. We arrange a time, and I'm feeling rad as f#$k, so when we say bye, I go to jump the rail to her steps. My f#$king shoelace gets snagged on the bottom of the railing and I just rack myself on the rail. A ball on either side, dick right on top, everything just crushed under my ass. I barf immediately, right, and I'm just hanging there by my f#$king shoelace, draped over the side of the rail, gasping for air, crying, choking. I try to shake my shoe free, but I can't, and I'm freaking the f#$k out. Kerry says oh my God are you alright and she starts working on my shoelace, and I'm just flailing, and as soon as she gets me free, I accidentally kick her in the face and fall right on my f#$king head. I just hear the door slam. We had to cancel because I had to go to the hospital. So instead of having this memory about getting ice cream with the girl in the magnetic house, instead of that, I know all about scrotal torsion. My friend thought it was the funniest sh#t he'd ever seen. That was the worst my balls had ever felt. Until today.