I’m going to say something now that isn’

Officer Ben Welch


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Age Range
Act II
Time & Place
Late 80’s. A quiet May evening at a restored, upscale Victorian home in Palisades, formerly Sneden’s Landing, about twenty miles north of New York City.
Time Period
Show Type

Monologue Context

Officer Welch is not buying the buffoonery he sees at the dinner party he’s been

Monologue Text

I’m going to say something now that isn’t a part of my official capacity. But I don’t believe one thing I’ve heard in this room. I think there were gunshots here tonight. I think someone or everyone is trying to cover up something. A man gets hit in the nose, another man stabs himself with a fork, someone’s BMW gets smashed up, the host takes a short-legged dog for a walk and then goes to sleep, the hostess takes her father to a hospital in California with a broken hip, including a woman named Cookie who’s been cooking all night who can’t stand or walk! You people have to deal with me. I’m a real cop, you understand? I’m not somebody named Elmer that your kids watch on the Disney Channel...Now, I want some real answers, intelligent answers, believable answers, and answers that don’t make me laugh. But first, I want to see Mr. Charley Brock and find out what the hell’s going on here – including the possibility of him having two bullet holes in him. Now, I’ll give you five seconds to get him down here, or I’ll take two seconds and go upstairs and find him. Don’t mess with me now. I’m so close to a promotion, I can smell it. And I’m not going to screw it up with this case...Do I start counting or do I start climbing up steps? It’s up to you.

Simon, Neil. Rumors Samuel French Acting Edition, pp.79-80.

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