**FALSTAFF** Peace, good Doll! do not s...

FALSTAFF Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's-head;

do not bid me remember mine end.

DOLL TEARSHEET Sirrah, what humour's the prince of?

FALSTAFF A good shallow young fellow: a' would have made a

good pantler, a' would ha' chipp'd bread well.

DOLL TEARSHEET They say Poins has a good wit.

FALSTAFF He a good wit? hang him, baboon! his wit's as thick

as Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him

than is in a mallet.

DOLL TEARSHEET Why does the prince love him so, then?

FALSTAFF Because their legs are both of a bigness, and a'

plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel,

and drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons, and

rides the wild-mare with the boys, and jumps upon

joined-stools, and swears with a good grace, and

wears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of

the leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet

stories; and such other gambol faculties a' has,

that show a weak mind and an able body, for the

which the prince admits him: for the prince himself

is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the

scales between their avoirdupois.

PRINCE HENRY Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?

POINS Let's beat him before his whore.

PRINCE HENRY Look, whether the withered elder hath not his poll

clawed like a parrot.

POINS Is it not strange that desire should so many years

outlive performance?

FALSTAFF Kiss me, Doll.

PRINCE HENRY Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! what

says the almanac to that?

POINS And look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not

lisping to his master's old tables, his note-book,

his counsel-keeper.

FALSTAFF Thou dost give me flattering busses.

DOLL TEARSHEET By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

FALSTAFF I am old, I am old.

DOLL TEARSHEET I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young

boy of them all.

FALSTAFF What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive

money o' Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow. A

merry song, come: it grows late; we'll to bed.

Thou'lt forget me when I am gone.

DOLL TEARSHEET By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping, an thou

sayest so: prove that ever I dress myself handsome

till thy return: well, harken at the end.

FALSTAFF Some sack, Francis.

PRINCE HAL, POINS Anon, anon, sir.

Coming forward

FALSTAFF Ha! a bastard son of the king's? And art not thou

Poins his brother?

PRINCE HAL Why, thou globe of sinful continents! what a life

dost thou lead!

FALSTAFF A better than thou: I am a gentleman; thou art a drawer.

PRINCE HAL Very true, sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears.

FALSTAFF Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light

flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

DOLL TEARSHEET How, you fat fool! I scorn you.

POINS My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and

turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.

PRINCE HAL You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you

speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous,

civil gentlewoman!

FALSTAFF Didst thou hear me?

PRINCE HAL Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away

by Gad's-hill: you knew I was at your back, and

spoke it on purpose to try my patience.

FALSTAFF No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing.

PRINCE HAL I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse;

and then I know how to handle you.

FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour, no abuse.

PRINCE HAL Not to dispraise me, and call me pantier and

bread-chipper and I know not what?

FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal.

POINS No abuse?

FALSTAFF No abuse, Ned, i' the world; honest Ned, none. I

dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked

might not fall in love with him; in which doing, I

have done the part of a careful friend and a true

subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it.

No abuse, Hal: none, Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none.

PRINCE HAL See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth

not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to

close with us? is she of the wicked? is thine

hostess here of the wicked? or is thy boy of the

wicked? or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his

nose, of the wicked?

POINS Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

FALSTAFF The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable;

and his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he

doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy,

there is a good angel about him; but the devil

outbids him too.

PRINCE HAL For the women?

FALSTAFF For one of them, she is in hell already, and burns

poor souls. For the other, I owe her money, and

whether she be damned for that, I know not.

William Shakespeare, Henry IV, Part Two, http://shakespeare.mit.edu/2henryiv/2henryiv.2.4.html