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Overview

Show Type
Play
Age Guidance
Youth (Y)/General Audiences (G)
Genders
  • Female: 1
  • Male: 3
Playing Age
Adult, Mature Adult
Style
Comedic
Length
Medium
Time Period
Contemporary
Time/Place
A mid-sized radio station in Portland, Oregon. 1930s
Act/Scene
Act 1

Context

Text

William: Well, well, well. Boss Crudo. Nice little warehouse you got here.
Jack: Shade! You're supposed to be dead.
William: Your trigger man was all wet. I dropped him for breakfast. It took me awhile, but I finally figured out what that stink was you've been leaving all over town.
Jack: I didn't leave anything behind, Shade. Not a box of matches or a stick of chewing gum. Not even a scarp of cigarette paper. How'd you find me?
William: Oil.
Jack: What are you talking about?
William: Not black gold, or smashed olives. Fish oil, Crudo. Fish oil. With all the pieces finally together, it all made sense. You've been stuffing hip flasks into halibut and shipping them out from this very dock. Selling the hootch at every port down the river. The gin joints would keep jumping and no one would ever be the wiser.
Jack: Until you came along, Shade.
William: Until I came along, Crudo. Where's the dame?
Virginia: Oh Stanley! Here I am. Here! Tied to this rusty old ship's anchor.
(Lester shakes a chain violently)
Virginia: (Cont.) I knew you'd find me!
William: Stay calm, Mary Sue. Now that I got the drop on him, we can make tracks and be out of here before the bulls arrive. Now, you gonna let her go? Or do I start throwing lead?
Jack: Don't bow your wig just yet, Shade. Who's got the drop on who? Brick. Anvil. Crowbar. Take care of the gumshoe, then call him a meat wagon.
Fred: (In three voices) Yeah, boss. Sure thing. Okay boss, you got it.
(
Lester is a whirlwind of sound effects and grunts as a "fight" ensues.
)
William: Your thugs are finished, Crudo. Hand over the broad.
Virginia: Oh, Stanley!
William: Don't do it, Crudo. You'll only make your stay in the big house longer. Let her go and I'll talk to the judge.
Jack: On second thought, why don't you go for a swim while I bust out of here. I'll get you next time, Stan Shade, Private Eye.
(Lester quickly pulls a creaky lever, then briefly shakes the chain, and shoves a plunger into a bucket.)
William: There won't be a next time for you, Boss Crudo.
(Lester whirls a string for a boomerang sound. Then he thumps a pillow.)
Jack: Ugh!
William: Gotta crank this up before Mary Sue is fish food.
(
Lester makes a cranking sound.
)
Virginia: (Gasping) Oh Stanley! I thought that it was curtains for me, for sure. How did you stop Boss Crudo and save me at the same time?
William: Found this in a box of Cracker Jacks. Thought it might come in handy.
Virginia: A bommerang?! The one you got from that Australian art dealer when you first started investigating Boss Crudo!
William: What's say we get you outta those steel stockings?
Virginia: Oh Stanley, who would have thought when I walked into your office so long ago, that we would fall in love?
William: Hold your horses, doll. I'm not ready to get hitched just yet. Let's start with getting some grub. My guts are empty.
Virginia: A bacon and salami on rye, hold the mustard?
William: Why, Mary Sue. You remembered. You might make me a good wife, after all.

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