CHILD: How does it feel to be a boy? BA...

CHILD: How does it feel to be a boy?

BARTHOLOMEW: I haven’t really thought about it. It feels normal, I suppose. What about for you, Majesty?

CHILD: It doesn’t feel very normal at all.

(Beat.)

BARTHOLOMEW: Would you like your tiara back? I could steal it for you.

CHILD: (Sulking.) No, thank you. The peasant boy doesn’t wear a tiara.

BARTHOLOMEW: But—

CHILD: I need to do math, Bartholomew.

BARTHOLOMEW: Of what use is math to a queen?

CHILD: (Correcting him.) Peasant boy.

BARTHOLOMEW: Merely a disguise, majesty. (No response.) And come to think of it… well, forgive me for saying so, Majesty, but you aren’t using your disguise very well.

CHILD: What do you mean?

BARTHOLOMEW: Well, if you’re going through all that trouble to stay hidden… you may as well use it to your advantage.

CHILD: To do what?

BARTHOLOMEW: To retrieve your crown, Majesty.

CHILD: I’d get caught, Bartholomew.

BARTHOLOMEW: Well you would, except you’re in disguise. What would a peasant boy want with a crown, after all?

CHILD: (Invested.) We could get it back! …but what about Mom?

BARTHOLOMEW: Who?

CHILD: M— uhm. The… the evil witch!

BARTHOLOMEW: There’s an evil witch?!

CHILD: Yes.

BARTHOLOMEW: Why is she so evil?

CHILD: Because, well… uhm. She! No. Uhm. I don’t know, she’s just evil, ok?!

(As CHILD begins description of the WITCH, she enters into the make-believe realm—a grand entrance—unseen by BARTHOLOMEW and CHILD.)

CHILD (Continued): The evil witch was born like 100 years ago. Her father was a cactus and her mother was a troll. She knows everything that goes on everywhere and she is very beautiful—

BARTHOLOMEW: Beautiful?

CHILD: (Changing her mind.) No! Hideous!

BARTHOLOMEW: Wait, is she beautiful or is—

CHILD: She can take the form of anyone or anything. You never know how she’s gonna look or who she’s gonna be, because she has evil magic!

BARTHOLOMEW: (Scared.) Magic, Majesty?

CHILD: The darkest magic, Bartholomew.

BARTHOLOMEW: But how did she get magic?

CHILD: Uhm. By— KILLING PEOPLE!!

(BARTHOLOMEW screams.)

CHILD (Continued): Okay, maybe she didn’t kill people. I don’t know. The point is, she’s got lots of magic and she’s a jerk.

(The WITCH looks on, listening to their conversation.)

BARTHOLOMEW: (Still scared.) She didn’t kill people?

CHILD: I don’t know, probably not.

(BARTHOLOMEW breathes a sigh of relief.)

CHILD (Continued): But she is still not to be trusted! And she, Bartholomew, is the one with the crown.

BARTHOLOMEW: (Gulps.) Your crown?

CHILD: My crown.

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