OLD MAN: Happiness attend you. Do I find...

OLD MAN: Happiness attend you. Do I find you in good spirits? Do you bid me be fetched in happy mood? Why are you sorrowful? And why does he (pointing at MENAECHMUS) in anger stand apart from you? Something, I know not what, are you two wrangling about between you. Say, in few words, which of the two is in fault: no long speeches, though.

THE WIFE: For my part, I've done nothing wrong; as to that point do I at once make you easy, father. But I cannot live or remain here on any account; you must take me away hence immediately.

OLD MAN: Why, what's the matter?

THE WIFE: I am made a laughing-stock of, father.

OLD MAN: By whom?

THE WIFE: By him to whom you gave me, my husband.

OLD MAN: Look at that -- a quarrel now. How often, I wonder, have I told you to be cautious, that neither should be coming to me with your complaints.

THE WIFE: How, my father, can I possibly guard against that?

OLD MAN: Do you ask me? ... unless you don't wish. How often have I told you to be compliant to your husband. Don't be watching what he does, where he goes, or what matter he's about.

THE WIFE: Why, but he's in love with a courtesan here close by.

OLD MAN: He is exceedingly wise: and for this painstaking of yours, I would even have him love her the more.

THE WIFE: He drinks there, too.

OLD MAN: And will he really drink the less for you, whether it shall please him to do so there or anywhere else? Plague on it, what assurance is this? On the same principle, you would wish to hinder him from engaging to dine out, or from receiving any other person at his own house. Do you want husbands to be your servants? You might as well expect, on the same principle, to be giving him out his task, and bidding him sit among the female servants and card wool.

THE WIFE: Why, surely, father, I've sent for you not to be my advocate, but my husband's: on this side you stand, on the other you plead the cause.

OLD MAN: If he has done wrong in anything, so much the more shall I censure him than I've censured you. Since he keeps you provided for and well clothed, and finds you amply in female servants and provisions, 'tis better, madam, to entertain kindly feelings.

THE WIFE: But he purloins from me gold trinkets and mantles from out of the chests at home; he plunders me, and secretly carries off my ornaments to harlots.

OLD MAN: He does wrong, if he does that; if he does not do it, you do wrong in accusing him when innocent.

THE WIFE: Why at this moment, even, he has got a mantle, father, and a bracelet, which he had carried off to her; now, because I came to know of it, he brings them back.

OLD MAN: I'll know from himself, then, how it happened. I'll go up to this man and accost him. (Goes up to MENAECHMUS.) Tell me this, Menaechmus, what you two are disputing about, that I may know. Why are you pensive? And why does she in anger stand apart from you?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Whoever you are, whatever is your name, old gentleman, I call to witness supreme Jove and the Deities----

OLD MAN: For what reason, or what matter of all matters?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: That I have neither done wrong to that woman, who is accusing me of having purloined this pointing to the mantle away from her at home ... and which she solemnly swears that I did take away. If ever I set foot inside of her house where she lives, I wish that I may become the most wretched of all wretched men.

OLD MAN: Are you in your senses to wish this, or to deny that you ever set foot in that house where you live, you downright madman?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Do you say, old gentleman, that I live in this house? (Pointing at the house.)

OLD MAN: Do you deny it?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: By my faith, certainly do deny it.

OLD MAN: In your fun you are going too far in denying it; unless you flitted elsewhere this last night. Step this way, please, daughter. (To the WIFE.) What do you say? Have you removed from this house?

THE WIFE: To what place, or for what reason, prithee?

OLD MAN: I' faith, I don't know.

THE WIFE: He's surely making fun of you.

OLD MAN: Can't you keep yourself quiet? Now, Menaechmus, you really have joked long enough; now do seriously attend to this matter.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Prithee, what have I to do with you? Whence or what person are you? Is your mind right, or hers, in fact, who is an annoyance to me in every way?

THE WIFE: Don't you see how his eyes sparkle? How a green colour3 is arising on his temples and his forehead; look how his eyes do glisten ...

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: O me! They say I'm mad, whereas they of themselves are mad.

THE WIFE: How he yawns, as he stretches himself. What am I to do now, my father?

OLD MAN: Step this way, my daughter, as far as ever you can from him.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (aside) What is there better for me than, since they say I'm mad, to pretend that I am mad, that I may frighten them away from me? (He dances about.) Evoë, Bacchus, ho! Bromius, in what forest dost thou invite me to the chase? I hear thee, but I cannot get away from this spot, so much does this raving mad female cur watch me on the left side. And behind there is that other old he-goat, who many a time in his life has proved the destruction of an innocent fellow-citizen by his false testimony.

OLD MAN: (shaking his stick at him) Woe to your head.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Lo! by his oracle, Apollo bids me burn out her eyes with blazing torches. He points with his fingers at her.

THE WIFE: I'm undone, my father; he's threatening to burn my eyes out.

OLD MAN: Hark you, daughter.

THE WIFE: What's the matter? What are we to do?

OLD MAN: What if I call the servants out here? I'll go bring some to take him away hence, and bind him at home, before he makes any further disturbance.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (aside) So now; I think now if I don't adopt some plan for myself, these people will be carrying me off home to their house. Aloud. Dost thou forbid me to spare my fists at all upon her face, unless she does at once get out of my sight to utter and extreme perdition? I will do what thou dost bid me, Apollo. Runs after her.

OLD MAN: (to the WIFE) Away with you home as soon as possible, lest he should knock you down.

THE WIFE: I'm off. Watch him, my father, I entreat you, that he mayn't go anywhere hence. Am I not a wretched woman to hear these things? She goes into her house.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (aside) I've got rid of her not so badly. Aloud . Now as for this most filthy, long-bearded, palsied Tithonus, who is said to have had Cygnus for his father, you bid me break in pieces his limbs, and bones, and members with that walking-stick which he himself is holding.

OLD MAN: Punishment shall be inflicted if you touch me indeed, or if you come nearer to me.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (shouting aloud) I will do what thou dost bid me; I will take a two-edged axe, and I will hew this old fellow to his very bones, and I will chop his entrails into mincemeat.

OLD MAN: (retreating as far as he can) Why really against that must I take care and precaution. As he threatens, I'm quite in dread of him, lest he should do me some mischief.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: (jumping and raising his arms) Many things dost thou bid me do, Apollo. Now thou dost order me to take the yoked horses, unbroke and fierce, and to mount the chariot, that I may crush to pieces this aged, stinking, toothless lion. Now have I mounted the chariot; now do I hold the reins; now is the whip in my hand. Speed onward, ye steeds, let the sound of your hoofs be heard; in your swift course let the rapid pace of your feet be redoubled. (Points at the OLD MAN as he pretends to gallop.)

OLD MAN: Are you threatening me with your yoked steeds?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Lo! again, Apollo, thou dost bid me to make an onset against him who is standing here, and to murder him. But what person is this that is tearing me hence by the hair down from the chariot? He revokes thy commands and the decree of Apollo.

OLD MAN: Alas! a severe and obstinate malady, i' faith. By our trust in you, ye Gods ... even this person who is now mad, how well he was a little time since. All on a sudden has so great a distemper attacked him. I'll go now and fetch a physician as fast as I can. (Exit.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES: Prithee, are these persons gone now out of my sight, who are compelling me by force, while in my wits, to be mad? Why do I delay to be off to the ship, while I can in safety? ... And all of you (to the SPECTATORS) if the old gentleman should return, I beg not to tell him, now, by what street I fled away hence. (Exit.)

Plautus, The Menaechmi.

Full-text of The Menaechmi