_RHODA scans LIZ’s ticket. It is reject...

RHODA scans LIZ’s ticket. It is rejected.

RHODA This ticket has already been scanned. Now, move along! (turning away from them) Next guest, please!

TOM Wait just a minute! I want my t-shirt! I paid for a ticket, and it comes with a t-shirt, and I’m not going anywhere until I have one. Large, please.

RHODA Medium.

LIZ Come on, Tom. It’s not worth it. It’s just a shirt.

TOM I don’t care! I’m entitled to it, and Rhoda here is using some kind of troll-logic I’m not familiar with.

RHODA I beg your pardon? Keep it up and I am going to ask you to leave!

TOM I want to talk to your manager.

RHODA I don’t have one.

TOM I said, call your manager. Now.

LIZ Tom…

RHODA There is no manager. You are welcome to walk down to guest services, if you like, but I need you out of this line. There are other fans who need my assistance.

TOM What are you - (turns to see no one behind them) What are you talking about? There’s no one else waiting! Nobody’s here. You know why, Rhoda? Because the FIELD MICE SUCK!

RHODA (insulted) Why! I never!

TOM I can see why!

LIZ Tom!

TOM You’re telling me there’s no manager in this ballpark?

RHODA (indignant) That is correct.

TOM Then, I want to talk to Ted Todd.

RHODA (laughs) Yeah, right.

TOM I’m serious. Get Ted Todd out here.

RHODA Ted Todd? The manager of the Franklin Field Mice?

TOM That’s right!

LIZ Tom, that’s enough. Let’s go.

TOM grabs a t-shirt from the stack behind RHODA. RHODA snatches it back from him.

TOM No! I want to talk to Ted.

LIZ Tom! You’re acting crazy!

TOM grabs another t-shirt, and RHODA tries to wrestle it out of his hands. Struggling, they bump into the table, and t-shirts fall to the ground.

LIZ Tom!

TOM And get Sir Bites-A-Lot out here, too!

LIZ is picking up t-shirts.

LIZ The mascot? What’s he going to do?

RHODA Fine! (calling off) Margaret! Page Ted Todd!

MARGARET Ted Todd?

RHODA TED TODD!

TOM And Sir Bites-A-Lot!

MAGARET (over the intercom) Ted Todd please come to the t-shirt station. Ted Todd to the t-shirt station, please.

RHODA (poking TOM in the chest with her finger) You are going to be real sorry, Buster!

TOM Oh yeah, Trollina? Say, shouldn’t you be guarding a bridge somewhere?

LIZ I’m gonna wait in the car.

TED TODD ENTERS in uniform and in a huff.

TED TODD What in the hell is going on here?

RHODA Ted -

LIZ Tom! It’s Ted Todd!

TOM Hi, Ted. I’m Tom.

TED TODD Hi, Tom. Ted.

TOM Ted.

TED TODD Tom.

LIZ I’m tired.

TED TODD Well? What the hell do you want! I’m a little busy tryin’ to win a baseball game!

TOM Hazel the Hobgoblin here won’t give me my free t-shirt.

TED TODD takes off his baseball cap and throws it on the ground. He pokes TOM in the chest with his finger.

TED TODD That hobgoblin just happens to be my mother!

RHODA looks very proud of herself.

Contact the playwright for licensing at [email protected].

Click this link to purchase the script on Amazon.com