LILLIAN I don’t see why we had to come o...

LILLIAN I don’t see why we had to come out here to have lunch. There might be traffic on the ring road.

EMMA How many times have I taken you to the airport? And how many times were you late?

LILLIAN Past doesn’t predict the future. Let’s eat quickly and get going.

EMMA Come on, relax. Enjoy the view. So what are these conferences of yours like, anyway? The other women…do they ever talk about normal stuff? You know, life at home, talk about their kids?

LILLIAN No.

EMMA See, that’s interesting. Because when I go to the National Meeting for Cognitive Therapists, I meet the same group of women every year. We show off new pictures of kids and grandkids... Doesn’t ANYBODY

LILLIAN Come to think of it, the woman from Cal Tech has a kid, makes us all look at baby pictures. Oh, I say all the right things, like “He’s getting so big”. Of course he’s getting big, they must be feeding the poor kid Big Macs and beer, he looks like a Sumo wrestler! Other than that

EMMA How does that make you feel, when she does that? With the baby pictures?

LILLIAN Oh, Jesus!

EMMA Could you see yourself talking to her about kids? What it’s like, how to

LILLIAN These women aren’t my PALS, they’re my COMPETITORS.

(enter Terry, drinking cheap vodka and trying to sit down)

LILLIAN Look at this. Speak of the devil. A mother-to-be. What are you, twelve years old? Whatever possessed you to get knocked up?

EMMA Lillian!

LILLIAN I’m an educator. We need to educate people about controlling their animal impulses for the greater good. So, kid, you ever think about controlling your impulses? Before you got knocked up, did it ever occur to you

TERRY Ouch.

EMMA Let’s go.

TERRY Ouch!

LILLIAN No, wait a minute. This is important. Hey, you. Ouch girl. You’re drunk, aren’t you?

TERRY Ouch!

LILLIAN You know what that does to a kid, when Mom’s a drunk? You want to know what that’s like?

EMMA Lillian, stop it.

TERRY Ouch ouch ouch!

LILLIAN See this scar on my cheek? I tell everybody I got it playing hockey. See this mark on my arm? I say, I fell off a bike. Wanna drink yourself to death, be my guest, but don’t take some poor kid along for the ride. Why don’t you do the world a favor and get an abortion!

TERRY OUCH!

LILLIAN Too late for that, is it? Should have done that a while back. But wait, there’s the swan boats down there. Enough water to do the job. Take yourself out, and put the kid out of it’s misery, too, why don’t you?

EMMA She doesn’t mean it

LILLIAN The hell I don’t!

EMMA (to Terry, digging out a wad of money from her purse and offering it) Here’s all I have on me, not much, but enough to get you a decent meal.

TERRY (to Lillian) OUCH OUCH OUCH!

(she runs away)

EMMA How can you be so cruel?

LILLIAN I’m not being cruel, I’m helping her. Giving her some reality therapy. You know why I don’t want kids! Because some day, I’m going to have another drink, and then another after that. I’ll sober up, and then I’ll drink again. This little charade with A.A., Sarah thinks it’s the be-all and the end-all. But I’ve seen the studies, Emma. Once a drunk, always a drunk. So I stopped going. It’s only a matter of time. The best I can do, my absolute record, is fourteen months. And I’m coming right up to it.

EMMA You planning on drinking again?

LILLIAN Some part of me is.

EMMA You won’t! She’d leave you. That’s what’s been keeping you sober, that she’d/

LILLIAN Ah. Good news and bad news. The good news is, she really loves me. The bad news is, she really loves me. I figure, if it’s just the two of us, chances are she’ll put up with it, a binge here and there. I’ll always clean up; I’ll always get my ass back on that wagon. As long as I have her. But I’ll always look forward to the next one, you know? The next binge. But if there’s a baby involved…

(a pause: an embarrassed silence)

So what’s the big important thing you wanted to talk about? Hurry up, I got a plane to catch!

EMMA Oh, nothing. Nothing really...Lily was hoping you’d bring her back something from Berlin. She’s collecting… snow globes this year.

LILLIAN Now I can’t bring something just for Lily. What can I get for Sam?

EMMA Sam, get Sam anything with a dinosaur on it.

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