(A dungeon in the palace. Cinderella is...

(A dungeon in the palace. Cinderella is on stage with the Guard.)

Cinderella: I want to speak to the king.

Guard: I'm sorry Miss. I am under strict orders not to let you see anyone.

Cinderella: I am queen of half the kingdom. Who has the authority to arrest me?

Guard: Well Miss, I mean Your Majesty, seeing as it's you, I can let you in on a few little secrets. But don't tell anyone or I'm done for.

Cinderella: That's very kind. Thank you.

Guard: Well, the way I see it is this. King Henry is on his death bed and Prince Rudolf and his mum are all for taking over now - before the body's cold as it were. Now it seems as though you've been telling fibs about being Anne-Marie. It's a shame, 'cause we all liked you. But royalty is royalty, and it's not to be messed with. Once the queen proves her case against you, there'll be an execution and that's that.

Cinderella: What about Buttons?

Guard: Prince Albert you mean. Yeah, a bit of a shame about him. Conspiracy or something. I didn't quite understand all that legal stuff, but he's for the chop too, sure as falling off a log.

Cinderella: When was he captured?

Guard: Well that's the rum thing. He stormed off this morning, said he was going to drown a frog. No-one knew what he was talking about. Hasn't been seen since.

Cinderella: Poor Buttons. I hope he did run away. He'll be better off without me.

Guard: Chin up Miss. My wife thinks you're great. Not stuck up like the others. And you told that Prince Rudolf where to go when he wanted to marry you.

Cinderella: Did I ever meet her? Your wife I mean.

Guard: Not really Miss. She only does the washing. Big woman she is.

Cinderella: Freckles and red hair?

Guard: That's right. Carrot-top Mary they call her.

Cinderella: I wish we'd been friends. She always seemed so cheerful.

Guard: Bit late now I'm afraid Miss.

Cinderella: Oh well. How many days will it be before I'm put on trial?

Guard: One or two I should think. They'll probably wait for the king to snuff it first.

Cinderella: Death seems so ordinary when you talk about it like that.

Guard: Don't mind me miss. I was in the civil war you see. Too much killing hardens a man. I can't say that I like what's going on in the palace, but it isn't worth fighting another war over.

Cinderella: So I have to die.

Guard: Afraid so.

Cinderella: Let's change the subject. How did you meet your wife?

Guard: You don't want to hear about that.

Cinderella: No, I do really.

Guard: Well Miss, I was coming back from the war. My leg was all bandaged up and I needed some baggy trousers to go over the . . .

(There is a loud knock at the door.)

Guard: Who's there?

(Enter Buttons disguised as an executioner. He has a black hood over his face and a portable executioners block under one arm.)

Buttons: I'm here to give the prisoner her execution rehearsal.

Cinderella: But I haven't even had a trial yet.

Buttons: Don't worry about a little thing like that Miss. Concentrate on the main event. That's what I say. There's a lot for you to think about. What to wear. How to stick out your neck. All very complicated you see, and it's not as if we can mess it up and then ask to have another go, now can we?

(To Guard) So if you wouldn't mind leaving, we can get on with it.

Guard: This isn't regulations. What makes you think you can come in here and throw your weight around?

Buttons: My orders are straight from the queen. "Talk to the little witch," she tells me. "Explain that death can be quick or lingering. Show 'er how, if she makes a fuss at the trial, things can get really nasty." Can't say I like that bit. A professional axeman such as myself takes great pride in his work. Been in my family for generations. "We cuts it, and we cuts it clean." That's our motto.

Guard: I don't care who you are. I'm not going to let you hurt the prisoner.

Buttons: Any objections can be taken straight to the queen.

Guard: I think I'll do that right now!

Buttons: Buzz off then.

Guard: Excuse me Miss. If he does anything to you, I'll get 'im for it, 'onest I will.

Cinderella: Don't worry. They wouldn't cheat themselves out of the satisfaction of killing me in public.

Guard: If you're sure Miss. I'll leave, but under protest. (He exits.)

Buttons: Good riddance. Now, to get all the formalities out of the way, what should I call you?

Cinderella (imperiously): Your Majesty should suffice.

Buttons: Well, Your Majesty, there's a lot to an execution.

Cinderella: We've been through all that. Just tell me what I have to do.

Buttons: What are you going to wear?

Cinderella: I don't know. This I suppose.

Buttons: Oh dearie me no. Neck line's much too high. You want something low at the back and low at the front. Otherwise it gets really messy.

Cinderella: This bit does come off.

Buttons: So it does. Most ingenious. These tailors think of everything.

Cinderella: Not executions, surely?

Buttons: Now what about your hair?

Cinderella: Up in a bun. Like this I think.

Buttons: That's the spirit. Hmm. A slender neck but sinewy. Could cause a bit of a problem.

Cinderella: Well, if it's going to be too much trouble, let's cancel the whole thing.

Executioner: Sorry. The queen was most particular. Now, an important part of any severance as we like to call it, is the angle of the neck to the block. If you wouldn't mind just kneeling down.

Cinderella: Do I have to?

Buttons: It will make our jobs just that little bit easier.

Cinderella: Very well. Like this?

Buttons: That's right. Now arch the neck just a little bit higher. Perfect. Then you give the signal, the axe blade comes down and it's all over in a jiffy. (Buttons lowers his hand onto Cinderella's neck and holds it there.)

Cinderella: Does it have to be an axe? They're so heavy and blunt.

Buttons: I'll have you know that my axe is honed to perfection. But it's true. They can be a bit unwieldy. It's traditional, that's all. The French prefer to use a sword. It takes more skill, but gives a cleaner cut. In the court of the Sultan of Tangier, the executioner applies a sucking action to the nape of the neck. It causes a slight tingling sensation but otherwise it's quite painless. I'm not very good at it myself, but this should give you the idea.

(He bends down and starts to kiss her neck.)

Cinderella: Let me go! I'm a married woman.

Buttons: I heard your husband left you. Found you in bed with the man you love.

Cinderella (struggling to escape): We weren't in bed - and I don't love him. Now let me go! If Buttons was here he'd kill you.

Buttons: Come off it. If he loved you that much he wouldn't have run away. (He starts to kiss her again.)

Cinderella: Stop it. It tickles. Go on, stop it Buttons. I'm getting dizzy.

Buttons (Taking off his mask): Damn. How long have you known it was me?

Cinderella: Well you do talk a lot for an executioner. Usually they just grunt a bit and then chop people's heads off. Anyway there isn't a Sultan of Tangier, and even if there was, he wouldn't kiss people to death.

Buttons: Stopped you being bored though.

Cinderella: It is good to see you. (They kiss.) We should hurry. The guard will be back any minute.

Buttons: I shouldn't worry about that.

Cinderella: Why not?

Buttons: Trust me. (They kiss again.)

(Enter Queen Alexandra, Prince Rudolf, Guard)

Queen Alexandra: Ah-hah. Just as I thought. The fool couldn't keep away. Guard, seize him!

Buttons (to Cinderella): I'm sorry. You were right.

(The guard ties Buttons' hands behind his back.)

Queen Alexandra: Now that I have you both, no-one will dare to rebel.

Cinderella: What will you do to him?

Prince Rudolf: Something slow and horrible, if I have anything to do with it.

Buttons: And what about Cinderella?

Queen Alexandra: Well, given that a rebellion is out of the question, a trial seems hardly necessary. Guard, run her through with your sword.

Guard: I'm afraid I can't do that, Your Majesty. No executions without a trial. That's the law.

Prince Rudolf: I am the law now!

Guard: With respect, Your Highness, the king is still breathing. He is the law, and he says no death without a trial.

Queen Alexandra: I trust you have no objections if my son does it.

Guard: It's murder if he does, and it's treason if I try to stop him.

Prince Rudolf: I told you we shouldn't educate these people mother. Teach them to read and they stop doing what you tell them.

Queen Alexandra: Just hurry up. I haven't got all day.

Prince Rudolf: So Cinderella, do you have any last requests?

Cinderella: Since my life is nearly at an end, I would like to kiss the only man I ever loved.

Prince Rudolf: Good of you to be so sporting about it.

Cinderella: Come here Rudolf. Oh Rudolf . . . .

(Cinderella knees Prince Rudolf in the groin.)

Prince Rudolf (in sudden pain): Ugh . . . .

Cinderella: Now I can die a happy woman!

Queen Alexandra (to Guard): Guard! Arrest her!

Guard: On what charge?

Queen Alexandra: Assaulting a royal personage.

Guard: In my opinion, Your Majesty, he was rather asking for it.

Prince Rudolf: I'll have you flogged for this, you insolent rogue.

(Enter King Henry, and Griselda)

King Henry: What is going on here?

Prince Rudolf: Father, you're alive! I thought . . . .

King Henry: You thought your mother's poison would finish me off. In fact, I did have a little indigestion from Griselda's cooking, but nothing fatal I assure you. Guard, arrest Prince Rudolf and Queen Alexandra on a charge of high treason.

Guard: With pleasure Your Majesty.

Queen Alexandra: On what evidence?

Griselda: On my evidence. You gave me this poison to put in the king's wine. You promised me that I could marry the prince if I went along with it.

Cinderella: So why didn't you?

Griselda: I may be a bad sister, Cinderella, but I'm a loyal and I might even say devoted subject. Also, a woman who would poison her husband is somewhat apt to forget her promises.

Prince Rudolf: But what about the doctor?

Queen Alexandra: Shut up you fool!

King Henry: Ah yes . When I explained to our good physician that my death would be immediately followed by his own, he suddenly became much more optimistic about my condition.

Cinderella: Why did you leave it this long before coming in?

King Henry: It's not often that a king gets a chance to see how his son will behave after his death.

Prince Rudolf: So what did you think papa?

King Henry: You are the most spoilt child I have ever known. You are lazy and arrogant, and you spend money as if there's no tomorrow. You have precious little regard for the law, and you seem to have an insatiable appetite for cruelty and revenge.

Prince Rudolf: It's only my first day.

King Henry: Enough! When you were born, I did your mother the kindness of overlooking the fact that I was away at the war when you were conceived.

Prince Rudolf: I don't understand.

King Henry: Cedric was his name I think. Very handsome I understand, but he found cleaning out the stables a bit too much of an intellectual challenge.

Prince Rudolf: You don't mean . . . . Mother, how could you? With a stable boy!

Queen Alexandra: I hardly think you should lecture me about sleeping with the servants!

King Henry: I tried to be a good father to you. I thought that the right education might make any man fit to be a king. Your conduct today has finally shown me the error of my ways. I now disown you as my successor and I appoint Prince Albert Buttons Trevelyan as legal heir to both halves of the kingdom. At least he will take the job seriously.

Queen Alexandra: And what fate do you have in store for me?

King Henry: You will stand trial for attempted murder and for defying an order of banishment. If you are found guilty, I will let Cinderella decide whether to commute your sentence to life imprisonment. As for our marriage, as Head of the Church, I now declare it null and void. Consider it a divorce. Guard, take them away.

Guard (to Rudolf): Come on you!

Prince Rudolf: Mother, tell him not to talk to me like that. It isn't right.

Queen Alexandra: Stop whimpering!

(Exit Queen Alexandra and Prince Rudolf followed by the Guard.)

Cinderella (to Buttons): Did you know this was going on?

Buttons: I did have some idea.

Cinderella: So why didn't you tell me?

Buttons: There wasn't time. Anyway, don't you have a few apologies to make?

Cinderella: Yes. (To King Henry.) Your Majesty, I am sorry that I lied to you about being Princess Anne-Marie. I was angry with Rudolf at the time, but it wasn't right of me to take it out on you. (To Griselda.) Also, I'm sorry that I misjudged you, Griselda. I know that you could never harm anyone, especially a member of the royal family.

Griselda: That's all right. The king and I seem to be getting along frightfully well at the moment. There may even be wedding bells in the air.

King Henry (as he exits): Come along Griselda.

Griselda: Such a commanding voice! Anyway, I must dash. See you later.

Buttons: It's great being heir to the throne and everything, but I wish someone would untie me.

Cinderella: I rather like you the way you are.

Buttons: Come on Cinders, don't be a tyrant.

Cinderella: I think a little practice execution is in order.

Buttons: No, anything but that.

Cinderella: I hear that in the court of the Emperor of China, they use a poisoned feather dragged slowly across the skin. Apparently, the victim can last for days.

Buttons: You wouldn't.

Cinderella: Why not?

Buttons: Because then I couldn't tell you the story about the mermaid who fell in love with a dragon.

Cinderella: Hmm, well in that case, I postpone the execution. (She unties him.) The story had better be good.

Buttons: Oh it is. Once upon a time, there was a bright purple dragon who lived in a cave by the ocean.

Cinderella: No, not here. (She kisses him.) You can tell it to me in bed.

Buttons (about the audience): But what about them?

Cinderella: They've heard enough stories for one day. Come on!

Buttons: I'll be up in a minute.

Cinderella: Well don't be long.

Buttons: I won't.

The Epilogue

Buttons (To the audience): It is said that a bad king may use treachery and cunning to stay in power and outlive his enemies. A bad play, on the other hand, dies at the hands of the people within a few hours. Our story was conjured up for your pleasure, and it is your wishes which will decide its fate. As the lights fade, the ravens of criticism will descend to pick through the bones of recollection. Perhaps you will watch them in silence. But if we have charmed your heart a little and shown you the perils of love and handsome princes, just clap your hands together. The noise you make may frighten off those ravens and leave Cinderella and Buttons to live on happily ever after.

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