IAN I've got it! MADELYN What?...

IAN I've got it!

MADELYN What?

IAN A new weapon to blow up the bullet-proof Mercedes.

MADELYN Oh, what is it?

IAN A nuclear pistol missile.

MADELYN That's different. But, Ian, how can you fit a missile into a pistol?

IAN It's a miniature missile. Come on, Madelyn. It doesn't have to be that big. Type it in.

MADELYN (gets up and heads for the computer) If you say so, but --

IAN -- OK, OK! Make a note that the pistol is larger than usual.

MADELYN Who would want to carry it?

IAN Anybody with muscles up to his scalp. Hey, we could build the whole movie around it. Change the title from Ten Killers to Duke Nuke.

MADELYN Duke Nuke?

IAN Yeh. A brand new hero. Admit it. He makes James Bond sound like Kermit, the Frog.

MADELYN Oh, Ian, you write such wonderful movies. But what about my role? Don't change that, too. I told my whole family about it.

IAN No problem, Madelyn.

MADELYN Good. But what will Max say about all the changes? You're supposed to be done with the script.

IAN The new stuff will help him make a deal.

MADELYN You know best, sweetheart. (gets up, heads for computer) Who do you see as Duke Nuke?

IAN How about Brent Killis?

MADELYN Ooh, I'd love to play opposite him.

PHONE RINGS. SHE picks up.

MADELYN (on PHONE) Ian Evans. (to IAN) It's Max. (hands him the PHONE)

IAN (on PHONE) Max, how goes it?... Hey, fantastic! (to MADELYN) He just sold Ten Killers for a million dollars!

MADELYN A million dollars? And you didn't even finish it.

IAN Paramount loves the treatment. Oh, I finally created a blockbuster!

MADELYN I'm so excited. You better finish it before they change their minds.

IAN You bet. (on PHONE) Congratulations, Max! You made my day!... I'm putting the finishing touches on the script right now. Be done by tomorrow .... Sure, stop by if you get a chance, and we'll celebrate! (hangs up; excited) Fantastic! My years of struggle have finally paid off! Scratch the title change!

MADELYN If they paid a million for Ten Killers, I wouldn't change it, either. What about the pistol missile -- or did you say missile pistol?

IAN Let's save it for Duke Nuke. Why give away another blockbuster for the price of one?

MADELYN Do you think Max can get a million for Duke Nuke, too?

IAN Now, that I've got a track record, he should ask for two million.

MADELYN Wow, that much?

IAN Come on, Madelyn. Nuclear missiles have been around for decades, and I'm the first person to think of putting one in a pistol. It's a big concept!

MADELYN I didn't think of that. Can I be in Duke Nuke, too?

IAN Sure, you can.

MADELYN Wow. Two movies. Wait till I tell my sister.

IAN Madelyn, I've been thinking. Maybe you should take an acting course.

MADELYN Secretarial school was enough for me. Besides, you know as well as I do that everything in Hollywood is who you know.

IAN Whatever you say, gorgeous! Let's get back to the script. Where was I before I got distracted?

MADELYN (reads) "CUT TO: VACANT LOT. DAY. Deadheart's BMW skids to a stop and he leaps out, pistol drawn. The bullet-proof Mercedes limo plunges into the lot right behind him with six of the killers inside. Ming Borat --

IAN -- The Chinese-Chek immigrant with the machine gun?

MADELYN Yes, dear. He leans out the window and, laughing hysterically, shrieks --

IAN -- What?

MADELYN "So, my dear Detective Deadheart, how would you like a hundred bullets in your face at once?"

IAN Well, that's a big question. It requires a really clever answer.

MADELYN What if he just says, "No thanks"?

IAN Good, but not great. Madelyn, an occasion like this is an opportunity to write a line everybody will walk out of the theater talking about. It's like when Alexander the Great approached Diogenes.

MADELYN Diogenes? I only know about Disney.

IAN Sweetheart, I'm not talking motion pictures. This is ancient history.

MADELYN Well, I'm sorry. I was never good at history.

IAN You wanna hear the story or don't you?

MADELYN OK. Go on.

IAN Diogenes was a Greek philosopher. He was known as a Cynic.

MADELYN I can't stand cynical people. But go ahead.

IAN Thanks. Anyway, Alexander had just conquered Athens. He sees Diogenes lying on a rock in the sun. He goes up to him and says, "Oh, great Diogenes, name anything in the world, and I, Alexander, will grant it." Know what Diogenes said?

MADELYN Got any suntan lotion?

IAN No, silly. In those days, they didn't have suntan lotion. He said, "Move a little to one side. You're blocking the sun."

MADELYN Wow, that's pretty clever.

IAN Yeh, so I need a little time to think. (looks at watch) Almost twelve. We'll knock off a few minutes early -- and finish tomorrow. (heads for liquor cabinet) Meanwhile, I'll work on a wisecrack for Deadbeat.

MADELYN Deadbeat? You mean, Deadheart?

IAN Right. Deadheart. (opens bottle)

MADELYN You said you never have a drink before noon.

IAN What's fifteen minutes? (pours drink) Come on, Madelyn, I'm a man of modest vices. Who else makes the biggest killing of his life and only celebrates by having scotch on the rocks?

MADELYN But you promised me you wouldn't drink as much. I worry about you.

IAN Relax. Want one?

MADELYN No, thank you. Too many calories. Are you going to drink the whole bottle?

IAN It's my perogative as a successful man. And wait till you've lived as long as I have. Once you're beyond the smooth water of youth, life gets more and more like white water. When you float through, you have to keep a lot of alcohol between you and the rocks.

MADELYN I guess I'm just too young to understand.

IAN Apparently. (raises glass) It helps you live longer. Otherwise, you get pale, and then one day, boink -- a heart attack!

MADELYN Doctors recommend one or two glasses a day, Ian, not two bottles.

IAN A mere detail. Let me tell you the two greatest discoveries of modern medicine. One: Booze is good for your heart. Two: So is sex.

MADELYN I like the sex part but --

IAN -- I'm glad we agree on that, gorgeous. (raises glass to her) -- Here's to you.

MADELYN Thank you. And here's to your liver transplant! You should call the locksmith and have him put the lock back on your liquor cabinet.

IAN Won't do it anymore. I woke him up in the middle of the night too many times. You're my hero, Madelyn.

MADELYN Me?

IAN Sure. To anyone who can stay sober past noon. (takes drink)

MADELYN You could be a hero like that for me.

IAN Sorry, sweetheart. I only write about heroes. Heroes and villains, but killers one and all.

MADELYN Maybe you'd be happier if you wrote other kinds of movies.

IAN No, thanks. I know what the public likes. The more people you kill, the bigger the thrill.

MADELYN I like romantic movies, too.

IAN Never was good at that.

MADELYN (turns off computer) Since we're done working, I'm going to go for a manicure. (holds out hands) Typing kills my fingernails.

IAN I don't even know how you type with those things. They're long enough to write a murder mystery around.

MADELYN See you later, darling. And try not to drink too much. Tonight, I want you to enjoy my gorgeous fingernails on your back. (gives him a kiss)

IAN Sure. But not too much. Remember, I'm an artist, not a gorilla.

(SHE EXITS; HE goes to the bar and pours himself some more scotch, as the LIGHTS fade down)

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Tom Attea