*Lucas.* I can't think what's the matter...

Lucas. I can't think what's the matter with Dolly. She has done nothing but snub me all the evening.

Matt. [Looking at him sternly.] So I should imagine!

Lucas. [Startled by his manner.] I say, have I done anything?

Matt. Done anything! I'm a man of the world! nobody can accuse me of being strait-laced, and[44] therefore I suppose you think you can come here and set at defiance all the------it's disgraceful!

Lucas. Would you mind telling me what you're hinting at?

Matt. I'm not hinting! I'm going to speak out very plainly, and I tell you that I look upon your conduct as something atrocious!

Lucas. I say, Uncle, what's all this about?

Matt. What's it about? What's it about? It's about the dairy windows!

Lucas. Then it was you---phew!---so it was you?

Matt. Well, after the dairy windows, can you stand there and tell me you aren't thoroughly, completely, heartily ashamed of yourself?

Lucas. Well, I suppose I am. But, after all, it wasn't so very bad------

Matt. Not bad?!

Lucas. Well, not so d---ee---d awful.

Matt. [Regards him for a few moments.] Well, I'm astonished! If you don't consider your behaviour d---ee---d awful, will you please find me some word that will describe it?

Lucas. You know you're putting a much worse construction on this than the necessities of the case demand.

Matt. What?!

Lucas. I've nothing to reproach myself with. Mrs. Biggs wasn't out of the dairy three minutes, and you were hanging about the windows all the time.

Matt. I was hanging about the windows?

Lucas. Yes, and I must say that when you saw two people engaged in an interesting conversation the least you could do was to pass on and take no notice.

Matt. "Interesting conversation"?!

Lucas. Well, what did you call it? If it comes to that, what do you accuse me of?[45]

Matt. Well, here you are, on the first day of the year, after listening to a most eloquent sermon, after making a solemn resolution to give up all your bad habits------

Lucas. Excuse me, I expressly stated that I didn't mean to give up all my bad habits. And I don't call this a bad habit.

Matt. You don't call making love to a married woman a bad habit?!

Lucas. Of course in one sense it is a bad habit. But it isn't a bad habit in the sense that other bad habits are bad habits. Look at all the decent chaps who've been led into it!

Matt. That doesn't excuse you. And if you think that I'm going to countenance your conduct, you are very much mistaken in your estimate of my character.

Lucas. [Very quietly.] May I ask you one simple question?

Matt. Well?

Lucas. When you were my age, if you found yourself alone in a dairy with a good-looking woman, and she was good for a dozen kisses or so, wouldn't you have taken advantage of it?

Matt. No!

Lucas. Not at my age?

Matt. No---no------

Lucas. Well, what would you have done?

Matt. I should have summoned all my resolution------

Lucas. Oh, that be hanged! Come, Uncle, no humbug! Man to man!

Matt. Well, I don't say that at your age I might not have been tempted---and of course we must all go through a certain amount of experience, or how should we be able to advise you youngsters?

Lucas. I say, no confounded nonsense---your uncle Archie---[46]---

Matt. Dear old chap!

Lucas. What use did you make of his advice?

Matt. Well, I remember his talking to me very seriously---I suppose I was about your age---did I ever tell you, Lucas, [taking Lucas's arm affectionately] about a very remarkable auburn-haired girl, Madge Seaforth?

Lucas. No.

Matt. And my racing her across Salisbury Plain at night?

Lucas. No.

Matt. Forty-eight miles one glorious May night! I let her beat me! God bless her! I let her beat me! And just as the sun rose we caught sight of Salisbury spire.

Lucas. Sounds rather jolly!

Matt. Jolly? And the bacon and eggs we got through for breakfast! Jolly? It was romance! It was poetry! Ah! Lu, my boy, you may say what you like, there's nothing like it on this side heaven. I told you about Mrs. Satterwaite dressing up as a widow and selling her husband?

Lucas. No?

Matt. Well, I bet the little hussy a fiver. Oh, Satterwaite richly deserved all he got---I can see Satterwaite's face now, and hers, as she stepped out of the cupboard, with the wickedest twinkle in the wickedest black eye! Ho! Ho! Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!---Sad! Sad!! Sad!!! Come, come, Lucas! This won't do! This will never do! Now to get back to this business of yours------

Lucas. Well------

Matt. When I was your guardian I let you have a pretty good fling?

Lucas. You did!

Matt. The pace was rather scorching?[47]

Lucas. Rather!

Matt. I never pulled you up?

Lucas. No, and I'm grateful.

[Shaking hands very cordially.

Matt. That's all right. Now, old chap, you've got to pull up!

Lucas. Pull up?

Matt. Short. This Mrs. Sturgess---Dolly says there's a lot of nonsense going on, gushing letters and so on,---damned silly thing writing letters, Lu------

Lucas. Yes, I know.

Matt. Well, what do you do it for?

Lucas. I don't know.

Matt. You're seeing her every day. If you must carry on this tomfoolery, why not do it by word of mouth? Why write it down, to show what an ass you've been?

Lucas. I'm sure I don't know.

Matt. Do you know why you're carrying on with her at all?

Lucas. Well, naturally a chap---naturally------

Matt. You're either in love with her, or you aren't?

Lucas. I can't say I'm exactly in love with her------

Matt. Then why are you making love to her?

Lucas. Well, she's a jolly good-looking woman, and naturally a chap---naturally---I don't know that I ain't a bit in love with her.

Matt. Well, it doesn't much matter. If you aren't in love with her you're a fool to risk a scandal. If you are in love you'll most likely do some silly jackass thing that will knock your career on the head, eh?

Lucas. Well, when you look at it that way------

Matt. Look at it that way! Anyhow, she's a married woman, and you're here as a guest---it isn't the right thing to do, is it?

Lucas. No, it isn't.[48]

Matt. Very well, then, don't do it. Don't do it! Cut it! You will?

Lucas. I've got to, I suppose.

Matt. Yes, you've got to. You can tell Doll I gave it to you hot and strong, and you're going to clear out, and not see Mrs. Sturgess again------

Lucas. Not see her again?

Matt. Isn't that what you mean to do?

Lucas. Yes, I suppose. I say, what did you see at the dairy windows?

Matt. I didn't see anything at all!

Lucas. Nothing at all?

Matt. I wasn't there!

Lucas. Then how------?

Matt. Dolly put me up to it. [Laughs at him.

Lucas. Dolly?