The ladies are dressed in Mardi Gras typ...

The ladies are dressed in Mardi Gras type masks in a cheesy motel room. Bridget, Celia, and Kristin are playing cards at the table. Lilah is pacing and Grace is sitting on the couch.

BRIDGET. This has to be the ugliest room I have ever, ever, been in, much less actually spent good money on.

LILAH. Just know that your $5 share is going to a greater purpose.

KRISTIN. I almost fainted when I heard the total was $25! Talk about a cheap motel!

GRACE. Well, I almost fainted when she asked if we wanted the "special."

BRIDGET. What special might that be? I knew I should have gone in there with y'all.

LILAH. The special to which she refers was just $10 for two hours!

BRIDGET. Well what in the world could you do in just 2 hours? (Big pause.)

LILAH. And this is the woman who has more children than the rest of us put together almost.

GRACE. Are you still wondering why we didn't take you in?

LILAH. Can you imagine what kind of answer the lady would have given when you asked "What the heck can you do in just 2 hours?" I bet you would have found out 101 things you can do in 2 hours, 100 of which we can't mention in mixed company!

GRACE. The thing that really should have clued us in on the sheer tawdriness of this place

was the desk clerk who was wearing pink sponge rollers and polyester pants.

CELIA. Polyester at the beach. What was she thinking?

LILAH. It's a $25 a night no tell motel Celia. It's not like they were expecting the concierge from the Waldorf.

GRACE. My mother always said, "Some people live in mirrorless houses and it is quite evident who those people are."

KRISTIN. She doesn't live in a mirrorless house Grace.. There are lots of mirrors. They're just on the ceiling.

CELIA. The Rendezvous's special is like the special for those little motorscooters you rent at the surf shop. You can ride them 2 hours for ten dollars too. That's really what should have clued us in on the caliber of the accommodations.

BRIDGET. Well, technically, this is Dixie Lynn's room so it would seem the accommodations are the APPROPRIATE caliber.

KRISTIN. Yeah, Dixie Lynn would have gotten all excited over the "special" (Hands in Quotes). (Lilah walks downstage to the "window.")

LILAH. Speaking of motorscooters has anyone noticed how many there are in the parking lot?

CELIA. Well, isn't that lovely.

KRISTIN. They could change the name of the Rendezvous to the Hot Rod Rendezvous. Scoot in and scoot out. Enjoy your rendezvous!

CELIA. You know, Red Hot Rendezvous would make a wonderful Lady Luverne shade.

LILAH. Celia, after you write your memoirs, which will I'm sure be a huge success, you should start your own cosmetics line.

CELIA. Well, I guess I never thought about that. Red Hot Rendezvous could be my first

shade name. Now I don't know whether to focus my energies on my Tantalizing Tales or my own line of cosmetics. I have to think of a good name!

KRISTIN. I've got it!

BRIDGET. Here we go again.

KRISTIN. Celia's self-applied shimmer shade sensations.

CELIA. I love it!

BRIDGET. I'm not trying to change the subject from Celia's latest venture but shouldn't we wait until Trixie gets here before we actually wear the masks?

LILAH. (Removing mask.) It's Dixie, Bridget, not Trixie, and I guess you have a point. It's making my eyebrows curl.

KRISTIN. Yeah. It's not like we're trying to hide from each other or anything. (Ladies take off the masks.)

GRACE. Speak for yourself. I'm humiliated that we're even doing this at all.

LILAH. Grace, someone has to teach this little floozy a lesson once and for all and who better to do it than us.

CELIA. Lilah, I must say that I am for one surprised at your involvement in all this. Usually you're so.... I don't know... straight laced.

BRIDGET. Are you referring to the Dancing Queen? Remember Celia, this beach trip has revealed all kinds of things about us Miss Cinc-O de May-O.

KRISTIN. If anyone can teach that little tramp a lesson it's us. We're like sirens from the South singing to our prey. And as soon as Dixie Lynn walks thru that door... (Knock, knock, knock, Everyone freezes.)

LILAH. Don't just sit there. Get your masks on

ladies! (Everyone puts their masks on except

for Grace, looking unsure.)

DIXIE. (Offstage) Preeeeeeeeeeston! It's Dixie! I've come all the way from South Carolina to warm you up! (Defiantly Grace puts on her mask. Lilah opens the door and yanks Dixie Lynn who is holding an overnight bag into the room by the wrist and Lilah slams the door.)

BRIDGET. Come on in! You must be Dixie Lynn!

DIXIE. The one and only!

GRACE. The world can now breathe a collective sigh of relief.

DIXIE. I'm not sure how you know my name, but I'm pretty sure I have the wrong room. (Dixie tries to leave. Lilah steps in front of door.)

LILAH. You have the right room..... Preston will be right out.

DIXIE. You know Preston? Does he know y'all are here?

LILAH. Oh yes. You see Preston has a little surprise for you. (Dixie walks around looking each lady up and down and begins to smile.)

DIXIE. Preeeeeeston! You come out here you sly devil and let me know what you have in mind with this ... carnival like atmosphere.

CELIA. Yes, we're a regular cirque de sole'!

BRIDGET. Later I'm going to do things with my body that have never been attempted in the free world.

DIXIE. (Sarcastically.) Oh my. I can't wait for that!

KRISTIN. Oh there's going to be a carnival alright, and Dixie, little do you realize, YOU are the main attraction!

DIXIE. Really?!!! (She draws out the word.)

KRISTIN. (Mocking Dixie.) Really!!!

DIXIE. Oh Preeeeeeston! The main attraction is here. I don't have a mask, but I have a

costume!(Drops off coat revealing outrageous boudoir attire.)

ALL. (gasp.)

DIXIE. I don't know what's going on here, but where is Preston and why are y'all still here?........ (Has an epiphany. She walks around, surveying the ladies.)Preston you naughty boy!!! Are you all strippers?

CELIA. Well, one of us is a FORMER stripper. (Bridget pops Celia.)

LILAH. Why, YES Dixie. We ARE strippers! Yes, we're ahh from the Dancing Dollhouse just down the road and Preston told us to keep you company for a while until he gets back. He's actually gone to get you a surprise. He'll be back soon.

DIXIE. Y'all look a little old to be strippers.

CELIA. Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I prefer to be called exotic dancer.(Does a little shake move as if she's starting to believe it.)

KRISTIN. Miss Dixie, it might be hard to believe this, but some men find older women attractive and refined.

DIXIE. Well I don't. Preston's wife is old. She's like 35 or something. He needs to trade her in on a new model and that newer, more improved model is ME!

BRIDGET. Dixie, are you familiar with an Edsel?

DIXIE. No, I don't believe I am. Is that some kind of new, you know, device?

BRIDGET.(Pauses then gasps.) What? OOOOOHHH!!! Nothing like that.

DIXIE. I just couldn't believe it when I got Preston's message. I thought he'd never come around.

BRIDGET. Well, you know men and from what we

understand you REALLY KNOW men. Sometimes they just need some prodding.

DIXIE. Like with an Edsel?!

BRIDGET. Yes, like with an Edsel.

DIXIE. Why do y'all have those funny masks on right now? Surely you don't have to wear those until Preston gets back and you guys do. ...whatever it is you're here to do.

CELIA. No, no. Preston requested that we wear these. You know how mysterious Preston can be.

DIXIE. Yeah, it's a mystery to me why he's waited this long to experience "The Dixie."

CELIA. Oh my. Well we want you to know he's come to his senses now and he's ready to I don't know... visit Dixieland.

DIXIE. Did he SAY that?!!!!

CELIA. He sure did! Actually he sang it (singing) Away... .away. . . . away down soooouuuuuutthhhhh! (Her hand runs down her chest to her crotch.)

LILAH. (Interrupting.) Oh Preston is a real prize. Anyone can see that!

DIXIE. Did you know he's an internist?

LILAH. NO! An internist?! Well, that's impressive!

DIXIE. Yes it is impressive! At first I thought he could only treat interns, you know like Monica Lewinsky, but pretty much he can treat any sick person out there....including Monica Lewinsky!

GRACE. Is that right? So I have to conclude from all this that he could treat you too if need be?

DIXIE. Yes Indeedy! Preston could intern me anytime....inside or out.

BRIDGET (Aside to Kristin.) We should INTERN her. (Then loudly to Dixie.) I hear the Gulags are nice this time of year!

CELIA. Do you mean the islands with all those strange, weird animals?

BRIDGET. Celia, that's the Galapagos Islands.

CELIA. Well, excuse me.

DIXIE. Did you say the Gulags are nice this time of year? I know what's going on. Preston is taking me on a trip. Are y'all travel agents? This must be some trip.

BRIDGET. It's a TRIP alright.

DIXIE. I want everything to be perfect! Even though I LOVE it here (Looking around the room.) And by the way did you see you can rent this place by the hour?

LILAH. NO!

DIXIE. YES! I love that!

GRACE. Preston thought you might!

DIXIE. Well, anyway, I want everything to be perfect with Preston the...first time. If the Gulags are really nice, then maybe Preston and I could go there from here!

GRACE. Splendid idea!

LILAH. Oh no. I'm afraid that won't be possible.

DIXIE. Well, why won't it be possible? My Preston can afford it. That's for sure.

LILAH. (Clearly making it up as she goes along.) The reason you can't go to the Gulags is BECAUSE .... Castro is just never going to die.

GRACE. Castro?

LILAH. (To Grace.) Shhh.

DIXIE. Who's Castro and what does whether he's dead or alive have to do with anything?

LILAH. You see Dixie, technically, the Gulags, as beautiful and scenic as they may be, are owned unfortunately... by Cuba.

DIXIE. I knew they were close to Cuba!

BRIDGET. In just this short time we've had

with you Dixie Lynn, it has become quite apparent that nothing gets by you!

GRACE. Certainly no MEN do.

LILAH. Anyway! American policy strictly forbids us from visiting Cuba.

DIXIE. Or the Gulags?

LILAH. Yes, Dixie, or the Gulags. I rest my case.

DIXIE. You know you sound more like a lawyer than a dancer.

CELIA. Do you really think so? Because that is so ironic. You see-

DIXIE. Well, you should be glad you're a stripper and NOT a lawyer because my Daddy says that lawyer is just another word for liar.

KRISTIN. Well, I know being the red-blooded exotic dancer that I am, you will never find a more honest lot than us.

BRIDGET. Yes, honest exotic entertainers. That's us.

CELIA. Just like Honest Abe.

DIXIE. Is he a rapper?

BRIDGET. Have you ever heard of the Gettysburg Address?

DIXIE. No... .Did you say ghettosburg or Gettysburg?

BRIDGET. Gettysburg. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it. It's one of his biggest hits. Have you ever heard of the Constitution? It's been out a little longer.

LILAH. Yes, I actually have a little routine I perform to it....Honest!

DIXIE. Well, I'll have to check that out! Look, I've really had fun hanging out with y'all, but now that I've kind of gotten to know y'all, it would be kind of weird for me if Preston came back and wanted me to DO SOMETHING with y'all. (There is a pause.)

ALL. Oh yes, we agree, etc.

GRACE. I assure you Dixie Lynn, not half as weird as it would be for us.

DIXIE. Where is Preston? Maybe he's out buying something real nice, or planning our romantic getaway.

GRACE. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.

DIXIE. Well, IRREGARDLESS, I'm going to tidy up.

CELIA. I'll show you around. (Dixie takes her bag and exits into bedroom.)

BRIDGET. That would seem somewhat IRREDUNDANT, showing Dixie Lynn around the bedroom don't you think?

CELI. Maybe I can find something to entertain her for a little while. (Celia exits into bedroom.)

BRIDGET. Why would that be a challenge since technically we are all professional ENTERTAINERS here?

KRISTIN. O. K. Lilah, miss mastermind, how do you suppose we are going to teach this little lady of the night a lesson?

DIXIE. (Yelling from offstage.) There's a slot for a quarter! Well, Nirvana! A vibrating bed!

KRISTIN. For heaven's sake, we'd better teach her a lesson quick or that vibrating bed might not survive for the next rendezvousers!

LILAH. Now everybody just calm down! Celia said that she has a plan.

KRISTIN. Lovely. Whether or not I spend the remainder of my life in a penitentiary with people who have committed horrible atrocities lies in Celia's hands.

BRIDGET. Well, if we do go to prison we'll have lots of time for hobbies, and Celia can finish her memoirs.

GRACE. There's a rosy future! And I can see Mrs. Preston Callahan number 2 AKA Dixie Lynn raising my children. Excuse me, "The Dixie" raising my children. God help me!

KRISTIN. I'm curious Bridget. Exactly what hobbies could we actually pursue in prison?

BRIDGET. You have to provide prisoners with all kinds of things they request. Like, if they want to take up painting they have to be provided with all the necessary supplies.

KRISTIN. Well, that's good news for me. I'll have years to life to perfect my painting, especially since at the moment I can't even draw a stickman correctly. I always accidentally give him some extra anatomy.

BRIDGET. The food isn't that bad either.

GRACE. No offense Bridget, but just how would you know about the food in prison? Maybe you have some bombshell secret YOU need to confess!

BRIDGET. Oh no, it's nothing like that. I have a cousin that used to work at the Disneyworld call center and-

LILAH. They have their own call center?

BRIDGET. Have you been to Disneyworld lately? They practically own half the state of Florida. Anyway, they also have the contract to connect all of the state of Florida's prison calls.

GRACE. Criminals and Mickey Mouse. What a combination.

BRIDGET. Well, you know prisoners can only call collect so they always have to talk to the operator.

KRISTIN. Oh good Lord. I hope I don't ever have to get my calls routed thru the Magic Kingdom!

BRIDGET. Anyway, my cousin would strike up conversations with the prisoners sometimes.

LILAH. That's brilliant.

BRIDGET. My cousin Sheila would ask them you know "What are you in for? What did you have for supper?"

LILAH. I understand. My first question to a client is always Do you prefer the beef or chicken?

BRIDGET. Have y'all not ever wondered what they eat in prison?

ALL No!

BRIDGET. Well you'd be surprised. I always just assumed it was some kind of gruel or something but they have taco night, Italian night, even steak night.

LILAH. That's better than the menu at my house!

KRISTIN. There's a relief. Even though I'll be visiting my children at their retirement community when I get out of prison at least I'll be well fed.

BRIDGET. Yeah, you won't be a STARVING artist.

KRISTIN. This is serious business. I don't want to be the first person in my family to be a felon, well the second. (Strikes a yoga pose to calm down.)

LILAH. Let's think about this. How do we all think Dixie Lynn should be dealt with?

BRIDGET. Well my idea won't work, they outlawed the guillotine years ago.

GRACE. The guillotine is a little too quick in my opinion. I vote torture.

BRIDGET. Torture is good. She definitely needs to suffer for trying to steal Preston.

GRACE. I've suffered for that man! When I was pregnant I gained 50 pounds and had to suffer through a summer in the 100's with no air conditioning. We were poor as dirt while Preston was in medical school.

LILAH. That's it!

GRACE. What's it, Lord of the Dance? While you were at the Dancing Dollhouse, I looked like a bloated melon, one of those that sprays out its insides like a geyser when it rots.

KRISTIN. Yuck Grace!

GRACE. Well, imagine how I felt, much less how I looked!

LILAH. Selective torture may be just the thing we're looking for.

GRACE. What are you getting at?

LILAH. I'm just saying a little empathy, albeit forced might be good for Miss Dixie. (Celia enters from bedroom.)

CELIA. Quick! Everyone give me all your quarters. The bed has 7 different programs. It should keep her occupied for a while. She's trying to rate them all before Preston gets back.

KRISTIN. In case you don't recall Celia, Preston is not coming back, especially since he was never even here! Now, would be a most opportune moment for you to reveal your grand scheme to the rest of us!

LILAH. We may have a plan just in case your plan doesn't work out.

CELIA. Well what exactly is your plan?

LILAH. Well, it involves making Dixie. Lynn suffer thru some of the same things we've suffered thru.

GRACE. A nicer way to say torture her.

BRIDGET. Too bad we can't recreate child birth!

LILAH. Celia, let's hear it! What is your plan?

CELIA. (Unsure.) Oh, it's very similar to that, but mine involved Jell-o.

(Everyone looks confused.) I like your plan much better.

BRIDGET. We are so going to jail. (Dixie enters.)

DIXIE. Did you get the quarters?

CELIA. Ahm No, but ah, we just got a call from Preston and he requested that we tie you up so he can come in and pretend you're a damsel in distress.

DIXIE. REALLY?! I knew he was a romantic!!! Well, get to tying. No, wait. You should tie me to the bed!

GRACE. That's a brilliant idea! (Celia and Dixie exit to the bedroom.)

KRISTIN. (Small world ringtone sounds.). Excuse me y'all.. I have to get this. (Holding her hand to her ear as if it were a phone) Lilah? Ah huh. Yes, she's here. (Holds the phone out toward Lilah.)It's the Magic Kingdom.

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