...

OLIVIA: George and I have had some rather bad news, Aunt Julia. We wanted your advice. Where will you sit?

LADY MARDEN: Thank you, Olivia. I can sit down by myself.

OLIVIA: (to Dinah). You sit there, my darling.

LADY MARDEN: Well, what is it? Money, I suppose; nobody's safe nowadays.

GEORGE: (signaling for help). Olivia——

OLIVIA: We've just heard that my first husband is still alive.

DINAH: Telworthy!

BRIAN: Good Lord!

LADY MARDEN: George!

DINAH: And only this morning I was saying that nothing ever happened in this house! (Rising from arm-chair and sitting to L. of Olivia and remorsefully to her). Darling, I don't mean that. Darling one!

LADY MARDEN: What does this mean, George? I leave you for ten minutes–barely ten minutes–to go and look at the pigs, and when I come back you tell me that Olivia is a bigamist.

BRIAN: (indignantly advancing towards Lady Marden) I say——

OLIVIA: H'sh!

BRIAN: (to Olivia) If this is a row, I'm on your side.

LADY MARDEN: Well, George?

GEORGE: I'm afraid it's true, Aunt Julia. We heard the news just before lunch–just before you came. We've only this moment had an opportunity of talking about it, of wondering what to do.

LADY MARDEN: What was his name——Tel–something——

OLIVIA: Jacob Telworthy.

LADY MARDEN: So he's alive still?

GEORGE: Apparently. There seems to be no doubt about it.

LADY MARDEN: (to Olivia). Didn't you see him die? I should always want to see my husband die before I married again. Not that I approve of second marriages, anyhow. I told you so at the time, George.

OLIVIA: And me, Aunt Julia.

LADY MARDEN: Did I? Well, I generally say what I think.

GEORGE: I ought to tell you, Aunt Julia, that no blame attaches to Olivia over this. Of that I am perfectly satisfied. It's nobody's fault, except——

LADY MARDEN: Except Telworthy's. He seems to have been rather careless. Well, what are you going to do about it?

GEORGE: That's just it. It's a terrible situation. (With a gesture of despair) There's bound to be so much publicity. Not only all this, but–but Telworthy's past.

LADY MARDEN: I should have said that it was Telworthy's present which was the trouble. Had he a past as well?

OLIVIA: He was a fraudulent company promoter. He went to prison a good deal.

LADY MARDEN: George, you never told me this!

GEORGE: I–er——

OLIVIA: I don't see why he should want to talk about it.

DINAH: What's it got to do with Olivia, anyhow? It's not her fault.

LADY MARDEN: (sarcastically and emphatically) Oh, no, I daresay it's mine.

OLIVIA: (to George) You wanted to ask Aunt Julia what was the right thing to do.

BRIAN: Good Heavens, what is there to do except the one and only thing? (They all look at him and he becomes embarrassed and backs up stage a little) I'm sorry. You don't want me to——

OLIVIA: I do, Brian.

LADY MARDEN: Well, go on, Mr. Strange. What would you do in George's position?

BRIAN: Do? Say to the woman I loved, "You're mine, and let this other damned fellow come and take you from me if he can!" And he couldn't–how could he?–not if the woman chose me.

DINAH: (Adoringly) Oh, Brian! It is me, isn't it, and not Olivia?

BRIAN: You baby, of course!

LADY MARDEN: I'm afraid, Mr. Strange, your morals are as peculiar as your views on Art.

BRIAN: This is not a question of morals or of art, it's a question of love.

DINAH: Hear, hear!

LADY MARDEN: (to George) Isn't it that girl's bed-time yet?

OLIVIA: We'll let her sit up a little longer if she's good.

DINAH: I will be good, Olivia, only I thought anybody, however important a debate was, was allowed to say "Hear, hear!"

GEORGE: Really, Olivia, I really think we could discuss this better if Mr. Strange took Dinah out for a walk. Strange, If you–er——

OLIVIA: Tell them what you have settled first, George.

LADY MARDEN: Settled? What is there to be settled? It settles itself.

GEORGE: That's just it.

LADY MARDEN: The marriage must be annulled–is that the word, George?

GEORGE: I presume so.

LADY MARDEN: One's solicitor will know all about that, of course.

BRIAN: And when the marriage has been annulled, what then?

LADY MARDEN: Presumably Olivia will return to her husband.

BRIAN: And that’s morality! As expounded by Bishop Landseer!

GEORGE: I don't know what you mean by Bishop Landseer. Morality is acting in accordance with the Laws of the Land and the Laws of the Church. I am quite prepared to believe that your creed embraces neither marriage nor monogamy, but my creed is different.

BRIAN: My creed includes both marriage and monogamy, and monogamy means sticking to the woman you love, as long as she wants you.

LADY MARDEN: You suggest that George and Olivia should go on living together, although they have never been legally married. Bless the man, what do you think the County would say?

BRIAN: Does it matter?

DINAH: Well, if you really want to know, the men would say, "Gad, she's a fine woman; I don't wonder he sticks to her," and the women would say, "I can't think what he sees in her to stick to her like that," and they'd both say, "After all, he may be a damn fool, but you can't deny he's a sportsman."

GEORGE: Was it for this sort of thing Olivia, that you insisted on having Dinah and Mr. Strange in here? To insult me in my own house?

LADY MARDEN: I can't think what young people are coming to nowadays.

OLIVIA: I think, dear, you and Brian had better go.

DINAH: We will go. But I'm just going to say one thing, Uncle George. Brian and I are going to marry each other, and when we are married we'll stick to each other, however many of our dead husbands and wives turn up! Come on, Brian.

Citation: A.A. Milne, Mr. Pim Passes By, Public domain, 2015.

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