ELAINE: Here are the place-cards, mother...

ELAINE: Here are the place-cards, mother, and the diagram. Shall I put them around?

MRS. PRINGLE: Yes, dear. Elaine, I'm going up to look after your father. He's so helpless about his ties. Remove one plate, Dunham.

DUNHAM: Remove one plate, madam? Oh! Madam! It is a certainty! You wouldn't sit down with thirteen.

MRS. PRINGLE: Thirteen! Why, you're right--thirteen! We can never sit down with thirteen. That's all due to Mr. Harper's negligence. Sick friend, nothing! He's just one of those careless men who never answer their invitations in time. His flowers, indeed, to make me forgive him -- now look at the trouble he's put me to -- thirteen! I wonder whom I could get to come in the last minute. Quick -- Elaine -- help me think. (She rushes to the telephone and looks madly through her list of acquaintances)

ELAINE: There's always Uncle George.

MRS. PRINGLE: He never opens his head!

DUNHAM: Mr. Morgan, madam, he always tells a joke or two.

MRS. PRINGLE: Why, yes, Dunham -- that's clever of you! Hello Central -- Lakeview 5971 -- at once, please -- Elaine dear, your hair's much too tight -- pull it out -- pull it out -- come here. (In telephone) Mr. Morgan's Well, this is Mrs. Pringle speaking -- from across the street. Yes. When Mr. Morgan comes in, please tell him to call me up right away. I want him to dine with us -- in about ten minutes -- you expect him? (She pull's ELAINE'S hair out to make it look fluffier. ELAINE makes faces of pain, but her mother pays no attention) Have him call me right away. (She hangs up the receiver) Now if he shouldn't get it -- then what'll I do?

ELAINE: Well, mother, I don't have to be at the table. It's your party, anyway. Everybody's married and older than I am.

MRS. PRINGLE: Didn't I put you next to Oliver Farnsworth? Millions! He's worth millions!

ELAINE: Well, he won't be giving me any.

MRS. PRINGLE: Can't he marry you? Aren't you going to try to make a good match for yourself? I fling every eligible man I can at your head. Can't you finish the rest yourself?

ELAINE: It's no use, mother, your trying to marry me off to anyone as important as he is. He frightens me to death. I lose my tongue. I'm as afraid of him as I'd be afraid of the Prince of Wales!

MRS. PRINGLE: The Prince of Wales! Oh! What wouldn't I give to have the Prince of Wales in my house! New York has lost its heart to him. I was just telling Mr. Farnsworth yesterday that I'd give anything to have the Prince here. I would establish my social position for life! And I've such a reputation for being a wonderful hostess. (The telephone rings) Dear me! -- the phone -- Hello -- Mrs. Sedgwick -- Yes -- this is Mrs. Pringle -- What? No -- Oh! Caught in a snow drift -- can't get another car? (She puts her hand over the telephone and speaks delightedly to ELAINE) Good! The widow can't come -- that leaves us twelve -- remove two plates, Dunham. (DUNHAM removes two plates. and ELAINE changes the table-cards. MRS. PRINGLE continues into the telephone) Oh! That's a shame! I'm heartbroken. Oh! My dear, how can we get along without you! But have you really tried? Oh, I'm reduced to tears. Good-bye, dear. (She hangs up the receiver, and takes it down again) Well, I'm glad she dropped out -- Central -- give me Lakeview 5971 -- Dunham, with two less, you can save two cocktails and at least four glasses of champagne. (Into the telephone) Has Mr. Morgan come in yet? Well, don't give him the message I telephoned before about crossing the street to Mrs. Pringle's for dinner. It's too late -- you understand? (She hangs up the receiver) Well, anyway, I've invited Clem, returned my indebtedness and saved my champagne besides--

DUNHAM: The liquor is getting low, madam -- what with prohibition and entertaining so much--

ELAINE: But, mother, if you only have twelve people, Father can't sit at the head of the table.

MRS. PRINGLE: But he has to sit at the head. It looks too undignified when the man of the house is pushed to the side--

ELAINE: There's no other way. There must be a woman at each end--

MRS. PRINGLE: How absurd! I always forget. Of course twelve is an impossible number -- I don't want to put any of these women at the head -- there's Mrs. Darby -- such a cat -- I wouldn't give her the honor and Mrs. – (The telephone rings) Answer it, Dunham.

DUNHAM: Hello -- Mrs. Pringle's residence -- a message? Yes, sir -- What, sir? -- Mr. Darby -- the doctor says your baby has the chicken-pox--

MRS. PRINGLE: Chicken-pox! Elaine!

ELAINE: Mother!

DUNHAM: Yes, sir. (He hangs up the receiver) Mr. Darby sends his apologies -- but owing to the transmutability of the disease, Mr. and Mrs. Darby feel obliged to regret and also their house-guests, Mr. and Mrs. Fleetwood--

MRS. PRINGLE: That's four out.

ELAINE: Then you're only eight! Quick, the plates, Dunham-- (She begins to remove chairs and gathers up silver and plates feverishly. MRS. PRINGLE getting more and more distraught, helps. With so much unaccustomed help, DUNHAM gets confused and goes through many unnecessary motions; removes plates, breaks them, drops silver, aimlessly trying to hurry, his fingers all thumbs)

MRS. PRINGLE: Don't we know someone to invite the last minute--

ELAINE: The Hatwoods--

MRS. PRINGLE: They don't serve drinks when they entertain -- I can't afford to invite them to drink mine--

ELAINE: The Greens--

MRS. PRINGLE: She's not interesting enough.

ELAINE: Mr. Conley--

MRS. PRINGLE: He never makes a dinner call, even after all the times I have invited him.

ELAINE: Hester Longley--

MRS. PRINGLE: Not at the same table with you and Oliver Farnsworth. She's far too pretty, too clever--

ELAINE: Where's our book? (She runs her finger down her address book) The Tuppers?

MRS. PRINGLE: The Tuppers! Good Heavens, Elaine, six in the family.

ELAINE: That would get us back to fourteen; then father could sit at the head of the table.

MRS. PRINGLE: Well, try them. I'll rush and tell your father to hold up the drawing room.

Alice Gerstenberg, Fourteen, Public domain, 1919. Full Text