Start: Sir Jasper: How now! Lady Fidg...

Start: Sir Jasper: How now!

Lady Fidget: [Aside.] O my husband!—prevented—and what's almost as bad, found with my arms about another man—that will appear too much—what shall I say?—[Aloud.] Sir Jasper, come hither: I am trying if Mr. Horner were ticklish, and he's as ticklish as can be. I love to torment the confounded toad; let you and I tickle him.

Sir Jasper: No, your ladyship will tickle him better without me, I suppose. But is this your buying china? I thought you had been at the china-house.

Horner: [Aside.] China-house! that's my cue, I must take it.—[Aloud.] A pox! can't you keep your impertinent wives at home? Some men are troubled with the husbands, but I with the wives; but I'd have you to know, since I cannot be your journeyman by night, I will not be your drudge by day, to squire your wife about, and be your man of straw, or scarecrow only to pies and jays, that would be nibbling at your forbidden fruit; I shall be shortly the hackney gentleman-usher of the town.

Sir Jasper: [Aside.] He! he! he! poor fellow, he's in the right on't, faith. To squire women about for other folks is as ungrateful an employment, as to tell money for other folks.—[Aloud.] He! he! he! be'n't angry, Horner.

Lady Fidget: No, 'tis I have more reason to be angry, who am left by you, to go abroad indecently alone; or, what is more indecent, to pin myself upon such ill-bred people of your acquaintance as this is.

Sir Jasper: Nay, prithee, what has he done?

Lady Fidget: Nay, he has done nothing.

Sir Jasper: But what d'ye take ill, if he has done nothing?

Lady Fidget: Ha! ha! ha! faith, I can't but laugh however; why, d'ye think the unmannerly toad would come down to me to the coach? I was fain to come up to fetch him, or go without him, which I was resolved not to do; for he knows china very well, and has himself very good, but will not let me see it, lest I should beg some; but I will find it out, and have what I came for yet.

Horner: [Apart to Lady Fidget, as he follows her to the door.] Lock the door, madam.—[Exit Lady Fidget, and locks the door.]—[Aloud.] So, she has got into my chamber and locked me out. Oh the impertinency of woman-kind! Well, Sir Jasper, plain-dealing is a jewel; if ever you suffer your wife to trouble me again here, she shall carry you home a pair of horns; by my lord mayor she shall; though I cannot furnish you myself, you are sure, yet I'll find a way.

Sir Jasper: Ha! ha! he!—[Aside.] At my first coming in, and finding her arms about him, tickling him it seems, I was half jealous, but now I see my folly.—[Aloud.] He! he! he! poor Horner.

Horner: Nay, though you laugh now, 'twill be my turn ere long. Oh women, more impertinent, more cunning, and more mischievous than their monkeys, and to me almost as ugly!—Now is she throwing my things about and rifling all I have; but I'll get into her the back way, and so rifle her for it.

Sir Jasper: Ha! ha! ha! poor angry Horner.

Horner: Stay here a little, I'll ferret her out to you presently, I warrant. Exit at the other door.

[Sir Jasper talks through the door to his Wife, she answers from within.]

Sir Jasper: Wife! my Lady Fidget! wife! he is coming in to you the back way.

Lady Fidget: Let him come, and welcome, which way he will.

Sir Jasper: He'll catch you, and use you roughly, and be too strong for you.

Lady Fidget: Don't you trouble yourself, let him if he can.

(Enter Lady Squeamish.)

Lady Squeamish: Where's this woman-hater, this toad, this ugly, greasy, dirty sloven?

Sir Jasper: [Aside.] So, the women all will have him ugly; methinks he is a comely person, but his wants make his form contemptible to 'em; and 'tis e'en as my wife said yesterday, talking of him, that a proper handsome eunuch was as ridiculous a thing as a gigantic coward.

Lady Squeamish: Sir Jasper, your servant: where is the odious beast?

Sir Jasper: He's within in his chamber, with my wife; she's playing the wag with him.

Lady Squeamish: Is she so? and he's a clownish beast, he'll give her no quarter, he'll play the wag with her again, let me tell you: come, let's go help her—What, the door's locked?

Sir Jasper: Ay, my wife locked it.

Lady Squeamish: Did she so? let's break it open then.

Sir Jasper: No, no, he'll do her no hurt.

Lady Squeamish: [Aside.] But is there no other way to get in to 'em? whither goes this? I will disturb 'em. [Exit at another door.]

(Enter Old Lady Squeamish.)

Old Lady Squeamish: Where is this harlotry, this impudent baggage, this rambling tomrigg? O Sir Jasper, I'm glad to see you here; did you not see my vile grandchild come in hither just now?

Sir Jasper:. Yes.

Old Lady Squeamish: Ay, but where is she then? where is she? Lord, Sir Jasper, I have e'en rattled myself to pieces in pursuit of her: but can you tell what she makes here? they say below, no woman lodges here.

Sir Jasper: No.

Old Lady Squeamish: No! what does she here then? say, if it be not a woman's lodging, what makes she here? But are you sure no woman lodges here?

Sir Jasper: No, nor no man neither, this is Mr. Horner's lodging.

Old Lady Squeamish: Is it so, are you sure?

Sir Jasper: Yes, yes.

Old Lady Squeamish: So; then there's no hurt in't, I hope. But where is he?

Sir Jasper:. He's in the next room with my wife.

Old Lady Squeamish: Nay, if you trust him with your wife, I may with my Biddy. They say, he's a merry harmless man now, e'en as harmless a man as ever came out of Italy with a good voice, and as pretty, harmless company for a lady, as a snake without his teeth.

Sir Jasper: Ay, ay, poor man.

(Re-enter Lady Squeamish.)

Lady Squeamish: I can't find 'em.—Oh, are you here, grandmother? I followed, you must know, my Lady Fidget hither; 'tis the prettiest lodging, and I have been staring on the prettiest pictures—

(Re-enter Lady Fidget with a piece of china in her hand, and Horner following.)

Lady Fidget: And I have been toiling and moiling for the prettiest piece of china, my dear.

Horner: Nay, she has been too hard for me, do what I could.

Lady Squeamish: Oh, lord, I'll have some china too. Good Mr. Horner, don't think to give other people china, and me none; come in with me too.

Horner: Upon my honour, I have none left now.

Lady Squeamish: Nay, nay, I have known you deny your china before now, but you shan't put me off so. Come.

Horner: This lady had the last there.

Lady Fidget: Yes indeed, madam, to my certain knowledge, he has no more left.

Lady Squeamish: O, but it may be he may have some you could not find.

Lady Fidget: What, d'ye think if he had had any left, I would not have had it too? for we women of quality never think we have china enough.

Horner: Do not take it ill, I cannot make china for you all, but I will have a roll-waggon for you too, another time.

Lady Squeamish: Thank you, dear toad.

Lady Fidget: What do you mean by that promise? [Aside to Horner.]

Horner: Alas, she has an innocent, literal understanding. [Aside to Lady Fidget.]

Old Lady Squeamish: Poor Mr. Horner! he has enough to do to please you all, I see.

Horner: Ay, madam, you see how they use me.

Old Lady Squeamish: Poor gentleman, I pity you.

Horner: I thank you, madam: I could never find pity, but from such reverend ladies as you are; the young ones will never spare a man.

Lady Squeamish: Come, come, beast, and go dine with us; for we shall want a man at ombre after dinner.

Horner: That's all their use of me, madam, you see.

Lady Squeamish: Come, sloven, I'll lead you, to be sure of you. [Pulls him by the cravat]

Old Lady Squeamish: Alas, poor man, how she tugs him! Kiss, kiss her; that's the way to make such nice women quiet.

Horner: No, madam, that remedy is worse than the torment; they know I dare suffer anything rather than do it.

Old Lady Squeamish: Prithee kiss her, and I'll give you her picture in little, that you admired so last night; prithee do.

Horner: Well, nothing but that could bribe me: I love a woman only in effigy, and good painting as much as I hate them.—I'll do't, for I could adore the devil well painted. [Kisses Lady Squeamish.]

Lady Squeamish: Foh, you filthy toad! nay, now I've done jesting.

Old Lady Squeamish: Ha! ha I ha! I told you so.

Lady Squeamish: Foh! a kiss of his—

Sir Jasper: Has no more hurt in't than one of my spaniel's.

Lady Squeamish: Nor no more good neither.

Wycherly, William, The Country Wife, Project Gutenberg, 2017, pp. 322-327.

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