(The door bangs open and Hamid enters ca...

(The door bangs open and Hamid enters carrying a Jack Russell dog in his arms.)

Old man: (Jumping up.) What is this? Put it down and kick it out the door, then wash your shoe seven times. Oh my God you must wash all seven times! Hands, jacket, everything! You halfwit! How many times have I told you? Never touch a dog; you must get rid of it!

Hamid: (Kicking the door shut behind him.) Dad listen, I can’t . . . I’ve saved him! Some bastard abandoned him. He was tied to a lamp post outside the corner store.

Old Man: I don’t care what some other bloody bastard did! You are not bringing a dog in the house. Oh no! You tried many times as a boy and now you think I am old and gaga? OUT WITH IT!

Hamid: I can’t Dad, he won’t do any harm.

Old Man: Everyone knows Angel Gabriel will not enter any home with a dog inside!

Hamid: Angel Gabriel doesn’t visit us, even if we don’t have a dog!

Old man: How do you know what the Angel Gabriel does? Dogs can’t be in the house or he won’t enter and that’s the truth! What is all this rescuing and saving dogs? What is wrong with your brains? (Snaps his fingers in front of Hamid’s eyes.)

Hamid: Listen, I can’t take him to the Dogs Home. Salim told me if they can’t re-home him he’ll be put down.

Old man: What does thicko Salim know about it? He can’t even run the corner store!

Hamid: He has a sister who lives next to the Battersea Dogs Home! Anyway I had to adopt him, he’s a great dog . . . he’ll make a great pet.

Old man: You can’t keep it as a pet because that’s the custom of the bloody Kafirs and what is this adoption rubbish? Adopt a dog? Nonsense! Is he a human orphan? There’s no reason to keep a dog as a pet it’s a waste of time!

Hamid: Why not? What’s wrong with him? Look at him! I’ve named him Turpin after the famous highwayman.

(The old man takes a quick glance at the dog cuddled up in Hamid’s arms.)

Old man: Listen Birdbrain! You can only have a dog if you are blind or deaf. Who ever keeps a dog loses the rewards for his good deeds! (Turpin lets out a pitiful howl.) Unless of course the dog is used for guarding a farm or cattle.

Hamid: That’s it! We need a guard dog, rising crime in the area and all that, he’ll be useful. (Hamid holds the dog out to the old man who recoils backwards.)

Old man: Don’t talk rot! Look at him! A guard dog my arse! He’s no bigger than a cat!

Hamid: He’ll grow! He’s intelligent. He’ll bark if robbers try and break in!

The Burqa Master on Amazon

For licensing inquiries, please contact [email protected]