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Andrew Rally, television star, is about to make his stage debut as Hamlet—and he’s terrified. Lucky for him, he’s been mentored by one of the greatest actors of all time: John Barrymore, dead, but instructing Andrew from beyond the grave. Barrymore won’t let Andrew wimp out right before his moment of triumph, not in the least because if Andrew refuses to go on as Hamlet, Barrymore will never be allowed to rest in peace.
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START: Andrew: Blythe!
Barrymore: Rallenberg!
Andrew: Tonight—Hamlet! Barrymore: The Dane!
Andrew: The Bard!
Barrymore: The bottle!
Andrew: The best!
[... … …]
END: Barrymore: And I stood in the light, before a crowd fully prepared to dismiss, deride, and to depart. And I shook them, I wooed them, and I said, yes, you will stay, and yes, you will remember! And for one moment in my life, I used all that I knew, every shred of talent, every ounce of gall! I was John Barrymore! And for those sacred evenings, there was no shame. I played Hamlet! Have you? (By the end of this speech Barrymore is utterly drained; he staggers to a chair. His battle with Andrew has stunned both of them, and neither can speak. After a pause, the doorbell buzzes. Andrew goes to the intercom.)
Andrew: (Into the receiver) Yes? Okay, okay, I’m coming. (A moment passes between Andrew and Barrymore.)
Rudnick, Paul, The Collected Plays of Paul Rudnick, “I Hate Hamlet,” Harper Collins e-books, pp. 76-84.
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