Princess Ida

King Hildebrand Hilarion (His son)

Hilarion's friends:

  Cyril

  Florian

King Gama

His sons:

  Arac

  Guron

  Scynthius

Princess Ida (Gama's daughter)

Lady Blanche (Professor of Abstract Science)

Lady Psyche (Professor of Humanities)

Melissa (Lady Blanche's Daughter)

Girl Graduates:

  Sacharissa

  Chloe

  Ada

Soldiers, Courtiers, "Girl Graduates," "Daughters of the Plough," etc.

ACT I ... Pavilion in King Hildebrand's Palace (Emden) ACT II . . Gardens of Castle Adamant (Hawes Craven) ACT III . . Courtyard of Castle Adamant (Emden)

SCENE. Pavilion attached to KING HILDEBRAND'S Palace. Soldiers and Courtiers discovered looking out through opera glasses, telescopes, etc., FLORIAN leading.

CHORUS

Search throughout the panorama For a sign of royal Gama,

Who to-day should cross the water With his fascinating daughter Ida is her name.

Some misfortune evidently

Has detained them consequently Search throughout the panorama For the daughter of King Gama, Prince Hilarion's flame!

SOLO

Flor. Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted? All. Who can tell?

Flor. Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted? All. Who can tell?

Flor. Will she back out, and say she did not mean them? All. Who can tell?

Flor. If so, there'll be the deuce to pay between them!

Chorus: No no we'll not despair,

For Gama would not dare To make a deadly foe Of Hildebrand, and so, Search throughout the panorama For a sign of royal Gama, Who today should cross the water With his fascinating daughter-- Ida, Ida is her name.

Enter KING HILDEBRAND with CYRIL

Hild. See you no sign of Gama?

Flor. None, my liege!

Hild. It 's very odd indeed. If Gama fail

To put in an appearance at our Court

Before the sun has set in yonder West,

And fail to bring the Princess Ida here

To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed

At the extremely early age of one,

There's war between King Gama and ourselves!

[Aside to CYRIL.] Oh Cyril, how I dread this interview!

It 's twenty years since he and I have met.

He was a twisted monster all awry

As though dame Nature, angry with her work,

Had crumpled it in fitful petulance!

Cyr. But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk

Often bears goodly fruit Perhaps he was

A kind, well-spoken gentleman?

Hild. Oh, no!

For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue.

(His " sting" is present, though his "stung" is past.) Flor. [Looking through glass.] But stay, my liege; o'er yonder mountain's brow

Comes a small body, bearing Gama's arms;

And now I look more closely at it, sir,

I see attached to it King Gama's legs ;

From which I gather this corollary

That that small body must be Gama's own. Hild. Ha! Is the Princess with him?

Flor. Well, my liege,

Unless her highness is full six feet high, And wears moustachios too and smokes cigars And rides en cavalier in coat of steel I do not think she is.

Hild. One never knows.

She 's a strange girl, I've heard, and does odd things!

Come, bustle there!

For Gama place the richest robes we own

For Gama place the coarsest prison dress

For Gama let our best spare bed be aired

For Gama let our deepest dungeon yawn

For Gama lay the costliest banquet out

For Gama place cold water and dry bread!

For as King Gama brings the Princess here,

Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have

Much more than everything much less than nothing!

SONG AND CHORUS

Hild. Now hearken to my strict command

On every hand, on every hand

CHORUS

To your command, On every hand, We dutifully bow!

Hild. If Gama bring the Princess here

Give him good cheer, give him good cheer.

CHORUS

If she come here We'll give him a cheer, And we will show you how. Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah! We'll shout and sing Long live the King, And his daughter, too, I trow!

Then shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah! For the fair Princess and her good papa,

Hip, hip, hurrah!

Hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah!

Hild. But if he fail to keep his troth,

Upon our oath, we'll trounce them both!

CHORUS

He'll trounce them both, Upon his oath. As sure as quarter day!

Hild. We'll shut him up in a dungeon cell,

And toll his knell on a funeral bell.

CHORUS

From dungeon cell, His funeral knell, Shall strike him with dismay! And we'll shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah! As up we string, The faithless King, In the old familiar way! We'll shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah! As we make an end of her false papa. Hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah!

[Exeunt all.

Enter HILARION

RECIT. Hil. To-day we meet, my baby bride and I

But ah, my hopes are balanced by my fears! What transmutations have been conjured by The silent alchemy of twenty years!

BALLAD Hil, Ida was a twelvemonth old,

Twenty years ago! I was twice her age, I'm told,

Twenty years ago! Husband twice as old as wife Argues ill for married life Baleful prophecies were rife, Twenty years ago!

Still, I was a tiny prince

Twenty years ago. She has gained upon me, since

Twenty years ago. Though she 's twenty-one, it 's true, I am barely twenty-two False and foolish prophets you,

Twenty years ago!

Enter HILDEBRAND

Hil. Well, father, is there news for me at last?

Hild. King Gama is in sight, but much I fear

With no Princess! Hil. Alas, my liege, I've heard

That Princess Ida has forsworn the world,

And, with a band of women, shut herself

Within a lonely country house, and there

Devotes herself to stern philosophies! Hild. Then I should say the loss of such a wife

Is one to which a reasonable man

Would easily be reconciled. Hil. Oh, no!

Or I am not a reasonable man.

She is my wife has been for twenty years!

{Looking through glass. \ I think I see her now! Hild. Ha! let me look!

Hil. In my mind's eye, I mean a blushing bride,

All bib and tucker, frill and furbelow! How exquisite she looked, as she was borne, Recumbent, in her foster-mother's arms! How the bride wept nor would be comforted Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce, Administered refreshment in the vestry! And I remember feeling much annoyed That she should weep at marrying with me. But then I thought, "These brides are all alike. You cry at marrying me? How much more cause You'd have to cry if it were broken off ! " These were my thoughts ; I kept them to myself, For at that age I had not learnt to speak.

Enter Courtiers, with CYRIL and FLORIAN

CHORUS

From the distant panorama Come the sons of royal Gama.

Who, to-day, should cross the water With his fascinating daughter Ida is her name!

Enter ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS

SONG

Arac. We are warriors three.

Sons of Gama, Rex. Like most sons are we, Masculine in sex.

All Three. Yes, yes,

Masculine in sex. Arac. Politics we bar,

They are not our bent; On the whole we are

Not intelligent. All Three. No, no,

Not intelligent.

A rac. But with doughty heart,

And with trusty blade We can play our part Fighting is our trade. All Three. Yes, yes,

Fighting is our trade. All Three. Bold, and fierce, and strong, ha! ha!

For a war we burn, With its right or wrong, ha! ha!

We have no concern. Order comes to fight, ha! ha!

Order is obeyed : We are men of might ha! ha! Fighting is our trade.

Yes yes,

Fighting is our trade, ha! ha! Fighting is our trade.

CHORUS

They are men of might, ha! ha I Order comes to fight, ha! ha! Order is obeyed, ha! ha! Fighting is their trade!

Enter KING GAMA

SONG GAMA

If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am, I'm a genuine philanthropist all other kinds are sham. Each little fault of temper and each social defect In my erring fellow creatures, I endeavour to correct. To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise: I love my fellow creatures I do all the good I can Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why!

To compliments inflated I've a withering reply, And vanity I always do my best to mortify ;

A charitable action I can skilfully dissect; And interested motives I'm delighted to detect; I know everybody's income and what everybody earns; And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns; But to benefit humanity however much I plan, Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why!

I'm sure I'm no ascetic; I'm as pleasant as can be; You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee; I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer, I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer. To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two; I can tell a woman's age in half a minute and I do. But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can, Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why!

Gama. So this is Castle Hildebrand? Well, well!

Dame Rumour whispered that the place was grand :

She told me that your taste was exquisite,

Superb, unparalleled!

Hild. [Gratified.] Oh, really, king!

Gama. But she's a liar! Why, how old you've grown!

Is this Hilarion? Why, you've changed too

You were a singularly handsome child! [To FLORIAN.] Are you a courtier? Come then, ply your trade,

Tell me some lies. How do you like your king?

Vile rumour says he 's all but imbecile.

Now, that 's not true? Flo. My lord, we love our king,

His wise remarks are valued by his court

As precious stones. Gama. And for the self-same cause,

Like precious stones, his sensible remarks

Derive their value from their scarcity!

Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once!

Tell it of me. Come, come, I'll harm you not.

This leg is crooked this foot is ill-designed

This shoulder wears a hump! Come, out with it!

Look, here 's my face ! Now, am I not the worst

Of Nature's blunders?

Cyril. Nature never errs.

To those who know the workings of your mind,

Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book

Appropriately bound. Gama. [Enraged.] Why, harkye, sir,

How dare you bandy words with me? Cyril. No need,

To bandy aught that appertains to you. Gama. [Furiously.] Do you permit this, king? Hild. We are in doubt

Whether to treat you as an honoured guest,

Or as a traitor knave who plights his word,

And breaks it. Gama. [Quickly.] If the casting vote's with me,

I give it for the former! Hild. We shall see.

By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed,

You're bound to bring the Princess here to-day:

Why is she not with you? Gama. Answer me this :

What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man,

Who, when he calls upon a starving friend,

Pulls out his gold and flourishes his notes,

And flashes diamonds in the pauper's eyes?

What name have you for such a one? Hild. A snob.

Gama. Just so. The girl has beauty, virtue, wit,

Grace, humour, wisdom, charity, and pluck.

Would it be kindly, think you, to parade

These brilliant qualities before your eyes?

Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob! Hild. [Furiously.] Stop that tongue,

Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it! Gama. Bravo! your king deprives me of my head,

That he and I may meet on equal terms! Hild. Where is she now? Gama. In Castle Adamant,

One of my many country houses.

She rules a woman's University,

With full a hundred girls, who learn of her.

Cyril. A hundred girls! A hundred ecstacies!

Gama. But no mere girls, my good young gentleman! With all the college learning that you boast, The youngest there will prove a match for you.

Cyril. With all my heart, if she 's the prettiest!

[To FLO.] Fancy, a hundred matches all alight! That's if I strike them as I hope to do!

Gama. Despair your hope; their hearts are dead to men. He who desires to gain their favour must Be qualified to strike their teeming brains, And not their hearts. They're safety matches, sir, And they light only on the knowledge box So you've no chance!

Flo. Are there no males whatever in those walls?

Gama. None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails And they are driven (as males often are In other large communities) by women. Why, bless my heart, she 's so particular She'll scarcely suffer Dr. Watts's hymns And all the animals she owns are " hers "! The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn

Cyril. Ah, then they have male poultry?

Gama. [Confidentially.] Not at all,

The Growing's done by an accomplished hen!

Gama.

All.

DUET

Perhaps if you address the lady Most politely, most politely Flatter and impress the lady,

Most politely, most politely Humbly beg and humbly sue She may deign to look on you, But your doing you must do Most politely, most politely!

Chorus: Humbly beg and humbly sue, etc.

She may deign to look on you, But your doing you must do Most politely, most politely, most

Hild. Go you, and inform the lady,

Most politely, most politely, If she don't, we'll storm the lady,

Most politely, most politely! [To GAMA.] You'll remain as hostage here:

Should Hilarion disappear, We will hang you, never fear, Most politely, most politely!

All. I'll I remain as hostage here, etc.

Should Hilarion disappear, They [We] will hang me [you] never fear, Most politely, most politely, most politely!

[GAMA, ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS are marched off in custody, HILDEBRAND following.

RECIT. Hit. Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain

To-morrow morn fair Ida we'll engage; But we will use no force her love to gain, Nature has armed us for the war we wage!

TRIO

Hil. Expressive glances

Shall be our lances,

And pops of Sillery Our light artillery. We'll storm their bowers With scented showers Of fairest flowers

That we can buy!

CHORUS

Oh dainty triolet! Oh fragrant violet! Oh gentle heigho-let

(Or little sigh) On sweet urbanity, Though mere inanity, To touch their vanity

We will rely!

Cyr. When day is fading,

With serenading

And such frivolity We'll prove our quality. A sweet profusion Of soft allusion This bold intrusion Shall justify.

CHORUS Oh dainty triolet, etc.

Flo. We'll charm their senses

With verbal fences,

With ballads amatory And declamatory. And little heeding Their pretty pleading Our love exceeding We'll justify!

CHORUS Oh dainty triolet, etc.

Re-enter GAMA, ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS heavily ironed

RECIT.

Gama. Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust? Hild. You must!

Gama. This seems unnecessarily severe! Arac, Guron, and Scynthius. Hear, hear!

TRIO ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS For a month to dwell In a dungeon cell;

Growing thin and wizen

In a solitary prison, Is a poor look out For a soldier stout,

Who is longing for the rattle

Of a complicated battle For the rum-tum-tum Of the military drum,

And the guns that go boom ! boom !

AIL Boom! boom! boom! boom!

Rum-tummy-tummy-tum ! Boom! boom!

Hild. When Hilarion's bride

Has at length complied

With the just conditions

Of our requisitions, You may go in haste And indulge your taste

For the fascinating rattle

Of a complicated battle For the rum-tum-tum, Of the military drum,

And the guns that go boom ! boom!

All.

The rum -- tum -- tum

                Of the military drum,

                Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum!

                      Who is longing for the rattle

                      Of a complicated battle

                For the rum -- tum -- tum

                Of the military drum!

                      Tum, prr -- prr -- prr ra -- pum, pum!


           But til that time you'll [we'll] here remain,

           And bail we [they] will not entertain,

           Should she our [his] mandate disobey,

           Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!

           But till that time you'll [we'll] here remain,

           And bail we [they] will not entertain.

           Should she our [his] mandate disobey,

           Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!

           Should she our [his] mandate disobey,

           Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!


                          (Gama, Arac, Guron, and Synthius are

marched off.)

END OF ACT I

Gardens in Castle Adamant. A river runs across the back of the stage, crossed by a rustic bridge. Castle Adamant in the distance.

Girl graduates discovered seated at the feet O/"LADY PSYCHE.

CHORUS Towards the empyrean heights

Of every kind of lore, We've taken several easy flights,

And mean to take some more. In trying to achieve success

No envy racks our heart, And all the knowledge we possess,

We mutually impart.

SOLO

Mel. Pray what authors should she read

Who in Classics would succeed?

Psy. If you'd cross the Helicon,

You should read Anacreon, Ovid's Metamorphoses, Likewise Aristophanes, And the works of Juvenal : These are worth attention, all ; But, if you will be advised, You will get them Bowdlerizeu!

CHORUS

Yes, we'll do as we're advised, We will get them Bowdlerized !

SOLO Sack. Pray you tell us, if you can,

What's the thing that's known as Man?

Psy. Man will swear and Man will storm

Man is not at all good form Man is of no kind of use Man 's a donkey Man 's a goose Man is coarse and Man is plain Man is more or less insane Man 's a ribald, Man 's a rake, Man is Nature's sole mistake!

CHORUS

We'll a memorandum make Man is Nature's sole mistake !

And thus to empyrean height

Of every kind of lore, In search of wisdom's pure delight,

Ambitiously we soar. In trying to achieve success

No envy racks our heart, For all we know and all we guess,

We mutually impart!

Enter LADY BLANCHE. All stand tip demurely

Bla. Attention, ladies, while I read to you

The Princess Ida's list of punishments.

The first is Sacharissa. She 's expelled ! All. Expelled ! Bla. Expelled, because although she knew

No man of any kind may pass our walls,

She dared to bring a set of chessmen here ! Sack. [Crying.} I meant no harm; they're only men of wood! Bla. They're men with whom you give each other mate,

And that 's enough! The next is Chloe. Chloe. . Ah!

Bla. Chloe will lose three terms, for yesterday,

When looking through her drawing-book, I found

A sketch of a perambulator ! All. [Horrified.} Oh!

Bla. Double perambulator, shameless girl!

That 's all at present. Now, attention, pray !

Your Principal the Princess comes to give

Her usual inaugural address

To those young ladies who joined yesterday.

Enter the PRINCESS

CHORUS

Mighty maiden with a mission! Paragon of common sense! Running fount of erudition!

Miracle of eloquence! We are blind, and we would see; We are bound, and would be free; We are dumb, and we would talk; We are lame, and we would walk. Mighty maiden with a mission! Paragon of common sense! Running fount of erudition! Miracle of eloquence !

Prin. Minerva! hear me:

ARIA At this my call,

A fervent few

Have come to woo The rays that from thee fall.

Oh, goddess wise

That lovest light, Endow with sight Their unillumined eyes.

Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine, That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine !

Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes

Who thirst for such instruction as we give,

Attend, while I unfold a parable.

The elephant is mightier than Man,

Yet Man subdues him. Why? The elephant

Is elephantine everywhere but here [tapping her forehead],

And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's

As Woman's brain to Man's (that 's rule of three)

Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,

As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.

In Mathematics, Woman leads the way

The narrow-minded pedant still believes

That two and two make four ! Why we can prove,

We women household drudges as we are

That two and two make five or three or seven ;

Or five and twenty, if the case demands!

Diplomacy? The wiliest diplomat

Is absolutely helpless in our hands ;

He wheedles monarchs woman wheedles him !

Logic ? Why, tyrant Man himself admits

It 's waste of time to argue with a woman !

Then we excel in social qualities :

Though Man professes that he holds our sex

In utter scorn, I venture to believe

He'd rather spend the day with one of you,

Than with five hundred of his fellow men !

In all things we excel. Believing this,

A hundred maidens here have sworn to place

Their feet upon his neck. If we succeed,

We'll treat him better than he treated us:

But if we fail, why then let hope fail too !

Let no one care a penny how she looks

Let red be worn with yellow blue with green

Crimson with scarlet violet with blue!

Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves

At inconvenient moments come undone !

Let hair-pins lose their virtue : let the hook

Disdain the fascination of the eye

The bashful button modestly evade

The soft embraces of the button-hole ! Let old associations all dissolve, Let Swan secede from Edgar Cask from Gask, Sewell from Cross Lewis from Allenby ! In other words let Chaos come again ! [Coming down.] Who lectures in the Hall of Arts to-day?

Bla. I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.

There I propose considering, at length,

Three points The Is, the Might Be, and the Must.

Whether the Is, from being actual fact,

Is more important than the vague Might Be;

Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,

Is for that reason greater than the Is;

And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand

Compared with the inevitable Must !

Prin. The subject's deep how do you treat it, pray?

Bla. Madam, I take three possibilities,

And strike a balance, then, between the three; As thus: The Princess Ida Is our head, The Lady Psyche Might Be Lady Blanche, Neglected Blanche, inevitably Must. Given these three hypotheses to find The actual betting against each of them !

Prin. Your theme's ambitious: pray you bear in mind Who highest soar fall farthest. Fare you well, You and your pupils ! Maidens, follow me.

[Exeunt PRINCESS and MAIDENS singing refrain of chorus, "And thus to empyrean heights" etc. Manet LADY BLANCHE.

Bla. I should command here I was born to rule, But do I rule? I don't. Why? I don't know. I shall some day. Not yet. I bide my time. I once was Some One and the Was Will Be. The Present as we speak becomes the Past, The Past repeats itself, and so is Future ! This sounds involved. It 's not. It 's right enough.

SONG Bla. Come, mighty Must !

Inevitable Shall ! In thee I trust.

Time weaves my coronal ! Go, mocking Is!

Go, disappointing Was! That I am this Ye are the cursed cause ! Yet humble second shall be first,

I ween;

And dead and buried be the curst Has Been !

Oh weak Might Be !

Oh May, Might, Could, Would, Should ! How powerless ye

For evil or for good ! In every sense

Your moods I cheerless call, Whate'er your tense

Ye are Imperfect, all ! Ye have deceived the trust that I've shown

In ye!

Away ! The Mighty Must alone Shall be !

{Exit LADY BLANCHE.

Enter HILARION, CYRIL and FLORIAN, climbing over wall, and creeping cautiously among the trees and rocks at the back of the stage

TRIO HILARION, CYRIL, FLORIAN Gently, gently, Evidently

We are safe so far, After scaling Fence and paling,

Here, at last, we are !

In this college Useful knowledge

Everywhere one finds, And already Growing steady,

We've enlarged our minds.

Cyr. We've learnt that prickly cactus

Has the power to attract us

When we fall.

All. When we fall !

Hil. That nothing man unsettles

Like a bed of stinging nettles,

Short or tall.

All. Short or tall!

Flo. That bull-dogs feed on throttles

That we don't like broken bottles

On a wall

All. On a wall.

Hil. That spring-guns breathe defiance !

And that burglary 's a science

After all !

All. After all.

RECIT. Flo. A Woman's college ! maddest folly going !

What can girls learn within its walls worth knowing?

I'll lay a crown (the Princess shall decide it)

I'll teach them twice as much in half an hour outside it !

Hil. Hush, scoffer; ere you sound your puny thunder, List to their aims, and bow your head in wonder!

They intend to send a wire

To the moon to the moon ; And they'll set the Thames on fire

Very soon very soon ;

Then they learn to make silk purses

With their rigs with their rigs From the ears of Lady Circe's

Piggy-wigs piggy-wigs ; And weazels at their slumbers

They trgpan they trepan ; To get sunbeams from cucwwbers,

They've a plan they've a plan. They've a firmly rooted notion They can cross the Polar Ocean, And they'll find Perpetual Motion,

If they can if they can !

These are the phenomena That every pretty domina

Hopes that we shall see

At this Universitee.

All. These are the phenomena

That every pretty domina Hopes that we shall see At this Universitee!

Cyr. As for fashion, they forswear it,

So they say so they say And the circle they will square it

Some fine day some fine day Then the little pigs they're teaching

For to fly for to fly ; And the niggers they'll be bleaching,

By and bye by and bye! Each newly joined aspirant

To the clan to the clan Must repudiate the tyrant

Known as Man known as Man They mock at him and flout him, For they do not care about him, And they're "going to do without him "

If they can if they can !

These are the phenomena That every pretty domina

Hopes that we shall see

At this Universitee.

All. These are the phenomena, etc.

Hit. So that's the Princess Ida's castle! Well,

They must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires

Such walls as those to keep intruders off! Cyr. To keep men off is only half their charge,

And that the easier half. I much suspect

The object of these walls is not so much

To keep men off as keep the maidens in!

Flo. But what are these? {Examining some Collegiate robes. Hil. [Looking at them.} Why, Academic robes,

Worn by the lady undergraduates,

When they matriculate. Let 's try them on. [They do so.

Why, see we're covered to the very toes.

Three lovely lady undergraduates

Who, weary of the world and all its wooing Flo. And penitent for deeds there 's no undoing Cyr. Looked at askance by well-conducted maids All. Seek sanctuary in these classic shades!

TRIO

Hil. I am a maiden, cold and stately,

Heartless I, with a face divine. What do I want with a heart, innately? Every heart I meet is mine!

All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free,

Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see,

Every maid is the maid for me! [Dance.

Cyr. I am a maiden frank and simple,

Brimming with joyous roguery; Merriment lurks in every dimple, Nobody breaks more hearts than I !

All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free,

Little care I what maid may be : So that a maid is fair to see,

Every maid is the maid for me! \Dance.

Flo. I am a maiden coyly blushing,

Timid I as a startled hind ; Every suitor sets me flushing: I am the maid that wins mankind!

All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free,

Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see, Every maid is the maid for me!

Enter the PRINCESS reading. She does not see them

Flo. But who comes here? The Princess, as I live!

What shall we do?

Hil. [Aside.] Why, we must brave it out!

[Aloud.] Madam, accept our humblest reverence.

[They bow, then suddenly recollecting themselves, curtsey. Prin. [Surprised.] We greet you, ladies. What would you

with us? Hil. [Aside.] What shall I say? [Aloiid.] We are three students

ma'am,

Three well-born maids of liberal estate, Who wish to join this University.

[HILARION and FLORIAN curtsey again. CYRIL bows ex- travagantly, then, being recalled to himself by FLORIAN, curtseys. Prin. If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,

And will subscribe to all our rules, 'tis well. Flo. To all your rules we cheerfully subscribe. Prin. You say you're noblewomen. Well, you'll find No sham degrees for noblewomen here. You'll find no sizars here, or servitors,

Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw

A line 'twixt rich and poor: you'll find no tufts

To mark nobility, except such tufts

As indicate nobility of brain.

As for your fellow-students, mark me well :

There are a hundred maids within these walls,

All good, all learned, and all beautiful.

They are prepared to love you : will you swear

To give the fulness of your love to them?

Hil. Upon our words and honours, ma'am, we will !

Prin. But we go further: will you undertake That you will never marry any man?

Flo. Indeed we never will!

Prin. Consider well,

You must prefer our maids to all mankind!

Hil. To all mankind we much prefer your maids!

Cyr. We should be dolts indeed, if we did not, Seeing how fair

Hil. [A side to CYRIL.] Take care that's rather strong!

Prin. But have you left no lovers at your home Who may pursue you here?

Hil. No, madam, none.

We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see, And we have never fished for lover's love. We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems, False hair, and meretricious ornament, To chain the fleeting fancy of a man, But do not imitate them. What we have Of hair, is all our own. Our colour, too, Unladylike, but not unwomanly, Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt To reckon Nature an impertinence.

Prin. Well, beauty counts for naught within these walls; If all you say is true, you'll spend with us A happy, happy time!

Cyr. If, as you say,

A hundred lovely maidens wait within, To welcome us with smiles and open arms, I think there 's very little doubt we shall!

QUARTETTE PRINCESS, HILARION, CYRIL, FLORIAN Prin. The world is but a broken toy,

Its pleasure hollow false its joy, Unreal its loveliest hue Alas!

Its pains alone are true, Alas! Its pains alone are true.

Hil. The world is everything you say,

The world we think has had its day, Its merriment is slow, Alas! We've tried it, and we know,

Alas! We've tried it, and we know.

TUTTI

Prin. Hil., Cyr., Flo.

The world is but a broken toy, The world is but a broken toy,

Its pleasures hollow false its joy, We freely give it up with joy,

Unreal its loveliest hue, Unreal its loveliest hue,

Alas! Alas!

Its pains alone are true, We quite agree with you,

Alas! Alas!

Its pains alone are true! We quite agree with you!

Exit PRINCESS. The three gentlemen -match her off. LADY PSYCHE enters, and regards them with amazement

Hil. I'faith, the plunge is taken, gentlemen! For, willy-nilly, we are maidens now, And maids against our will we must remain!

[All laugh heartily. Psy. [Aside.] These ladies are unseemly in their mirth.

[The gentlemen see her, and, in confusion, resume their modest demeanour.

Flo. [Aside.] Here 's a catastrophe, Hilarion ! This is my sister! She'll remember me, Though years have passed since she and I have met !

Hil. {Aside to FLORIAN.] Then make a virtue of necessity, And trust our secret to her gentle care.

Flo. {To PSYCHE, who has watched CYRIL in amazement.'] Psyche ! Why, don't you know me? Florian!

Psy. _Amazed.~\ Why, Florian!

Flo. My sister !

Psy. Oh, my dear !

What are you doing here and who are these?

Hil. I am that Prince Hilarion to whom

Your Princess is betrothed. I come to claim Her plighted love. Your brother Florian And Cyril, come to see me safely through.

Psy. The Prince Hilarion? Cyril too? How strange ! My earliest playfellows !

Hil. Why, let me look !

Are you that learned little Psyche, who At school alarmed her mates because she called A buttercup "ranunculus bulbosus?"

Cyr. Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, who

At children's parties drove the conjuror wild, Explaining all his tricks before he did them?

Hil. Are you that learned little Psyche, who At dinner parties, brought into dessert, Would tackle visitors with "You don't know Who first determined longitude I do Hipparchus 'twas B.C. one sixty-three!" Are you indeed that small phenomenon?

Psy. That small phenomenon indeed am I !

But, gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here: We have all promised to renounce mankind !

Flo. Renounce mankind? On what ground do you base This senseless resolution?

Psy. Senseless? No.

We are all taught, and, being taught, believe That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart.

Cyr. That 's rather strong.

Psy. The truth is always strong.

SONG

The Ape and the Lady

Psy. A Lady fair, of lineage high,

Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by The Maid was radiant as the sun, The Ape was a most unsightly one.

So it would not do ;

His scheme fell through, For the Maid, when his love took formal shape,

Expressed such terror

At his monstrous error,

That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape, The picture of a disconcerted Ape.

With a view to rise in the social scale, He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail, He grew moustachios, and he took his tub, And he paid a guinea to a toilet club

But it would not do,

The scheme fell through For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen,

With golden tresses,

Like a real princess's, While the Ape, despite his razor keen, Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen !

He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits, He crammed his feet into bright tight boots And to start in life on a bran new plan, He christened himself Darwinian Man!

But it would not do,

The scheme fell through For the Maiden fair, whom the Monkey craved,

Was a radiant Being,

With a brain far-seeing While a Man, however well-behaved, At best is only a monkey shaved !

[During this MELISSA has entered unobserved: she looks on in amazement.

Mel. [Coining down. ~\ Oh, Lady Psyche!

Psy. [Terrified.} What! you heard us then?

Oh, all is lost! Mel. Not so ! I'll breathe no word!

[Advancing in astonishment to FLORIAN.

How marvellously strange! and are you then

Indeed young men? Flo. Well, yes, just now we are

But hope by dint of study to become,

In course of time, young women. Mel. [Eagerly. ~\ No, no, no

Oh don't do that ! Is this indeed a man?

I've often heard of them, but, till to-day,

Never set eyes on one. They told me men

Were hideous, idiotic and deformed !

They're quite as beautiful as women are!

As beautiful. They're infinitely more so !

Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness which

One gets so weary of in womankind :

Their features are more marked and oh their chins!

How curious ! [Feeling his chin.

Flo. I fear it 's rather rough.

Mel. [Eagerly.] Oh don't apologize I like it so!

QUINTETTE

Psy. The woman of the wisest wit

May sometimes be mistaken, O ! In Ida's views, I must admit, My faith is somewhat shaken, O!

Cyr. On every other point than this,

Her learning is unshaken, O ! But man 's a theme with which she is Entirely unacquainted, O! acquainted, O ! acquainted, O ! Entirely unacquainted, O!

All. Then jump for joy and gaily bound,

The truth is found the truth is found

Set bells a-ringing through the air

Ring here and there and everywhere

And echo forth the joyous sound,

The truth is found the truth is found ! [Dance.

Mel. My natural instinct teaches me

(And instinct is important, O !) You're everything you ought to be, And nothing that you oughtn't, O !

Hil. That fact was seen at once by you

In casual conversation, O! Which is most creditable to Your powers of observation, O ! servation, O ! servation, O ! Your powers of observation, O !

All. Then jump for joy, etc.

{Exeunt PSYCHE, HILARION, CYRIL and FLORIAN. MELISSA going.

Enter LADY BLANCHE Bla. Melissa ! Mel. [Returning.} Mother! Bla. Here a word with you.

Those are the three new students? Mel. [Confused.] Yes, they are.

They're charming girls. Bla. Particularly so.

So graceful, and so very womanly !

So skilled in all a girl's accomplishments ! Mel. [Confused.'} Yes very skilled.

Bla. They sing so nicely too !

Mel. They do sing nicely! Bla. Humph! It's very odd.

One is a tenor, two are baritones ! Mel. [Much agitated.} They've all got colds! Bla. Colds! Bah! D'ye think I'm blind ?

These " girls " are men disguised !

Mel. Oh no indeed !

You wrong these gentlemen I mean why see,

Here is an etui dropped by one of them

[Picking up an etui.

Containing scissors, needles and Bla. [Opening it.] Cigars!

Why these are men ! And you knew this, you minx. Mel. Oh spare them they are gentlemen indeed.

The Prince Hilarion (married years ago

To Princess Ida) with two trusted friends!

Consider, mother, he 's her husband now,

And has been, twenty years! Consider too,

You're only second here you should be first.

Assist the Prince's plan, and when he gains

The Princess Ida, why, you will be first.

You will design the fashions think of that

And always serve out all the punishments!

The scheme is harmless, mother wink at it! Bla. [Aside.} The prospect's tempting! Well, well, well, I'll

try- Though I've not winked at anything for years!

'Tis but one step towards my destiny

The mighty Must! the inevitable Shall!

DUET

Mel. Now wouldn't you like to rule the roast, And guide this University?

Bla. I must agree

'Twould pleasant be. (Sing hey a Proper Pride!)

Mel. And wouldn't you like to clear the coast Of malice and asperity?

Bla. Without a doubt

I'll bundle 'em out, Sing hey, when I preside!

Both. Sing, hoity, toity! Sorry for some!

Marry come up and -| m ^h day will come! therj

Sing Proper Pride Is the horse to ride, And Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!

Bla. For years I've writhed beneath her sneers, Although a born Plantagenet!

Mel. You're much too meek,

Or you would speak.

(Sing hey, I'll say no more!)

Bla. Her elder I, by several years,

Although you'd never imagine it.

Mel. Sing, so I've heard

But never a word Have I ever believed before!

Both. Sing, hoity, toity! Sorry for some!

Marry come up, | m ^[ day will come!

Sing, she shall learn That a worm will turn. Sing Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!

[Exit LADY BLANCHE. Mel. Saved for a time, at least!

Enter FLORIAN, on tiptoe

Flo. [Whispering.] Melissa come!

Mel. Oh, sir! you must away from this at once

My mother guessed your sex! It was my fault

I blushed and stammered so that she exclaimed,

" Can these be men?" Then, seeing this, " Why these-

" Are men," she would have added, but "are men"

Stuck in her throat! She keeps your secret, sir,

For reasons of her own but fly from this

And take me with you that is no not that!

Flo. I'll go, but not without you! [Bell.] Why, what's that?

Mel. The luncheon bell.

Flo. I'll wait for luncheon then!

, CYRIL with PSYCHE, LADY BLANCHE and LADIES. Also "Daughters of the Plough" bearing luncheon, which they spread on the rocks

CHORUS

Merrily ring the luncheon bell! Here in meadow of asphodel, Feast we body and mind as well, So merrily ring the luncheon bell!

SOLO Bla. Hunger, I beg to state,

Is highly indelicate, This is a fact profoundly true So learn your appetites to subdue.

All. Yes, yes,

We'll learn our appetites to subdue.

SOLO Cyr. [Eating."] Madam, your words so wise,

Nobody should despise, Cursed with an appetite keen I am, And I'll subdue it And I'll subdue it And I'll subdue it with cold roast lamb !

All. Yes yes

We'll subdue it with cold roast lamb!

CHORUS Merrily ring, etc.

Prin. You say you know the court of Hildebrand? There is a Prince there I forget his name Hil. Hilarion? Prin. Exactly is he well?

ENTER THE " DAUGHTERS OF THE PLOUGH," BEARING

LUNCHEON

Hit. If it be well to droop and pine and mope,

To sigh " Oh, Ida ! Ida ! " all day long,

" Ida ! my love ! my life ! Oh come to me ! "

If it be well, I say, to do all this,

Then Prince Hilarion is very well. Prin. He breathes our name? Well, it's a common one !

And is the booby comely? HU. Pretty well.

I've heard it said that if I dressed myself

In Prince Hilarion's clothes (supposing this

Consisted with my maiden modesty),

I might be taken for Hilarion's self.

But what is this to you or me, who think

Of all mankind with undisguised contempt? Prin. Contempt? Why, damsel, when I think of man,

Contempt is not the word! Cyr. [Getting tipsy. ,] I'm sure of that,

Or if it is, it surely should not be !

Hit. [Aside to CYRIL.] Be quiet, idiot, or they'll find us out. Cyr. The Prince Hilarion's a goodly lad ! Prin. You know him then? Cyr. [Tipsily, .] 1 rather think I do !

We are inseparables ! Prin. Why, what's this?

You love him then?

Cyr. We do indeed all three !

HU. Madam, she jests ! [Aside to CYRIL.] Remember where you

are! Cyr. Jests? Not at all ! Why, bless my heart alive,

You and Hilarion, when at the Court,

Rode the same horse ! Prin. [Horrified.'] Astride?

Cyr. Of course ! Why not?

Wore the same clothes and once or twice, I think,

Got tipsy in the same good company ! Prin. Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word ! Cyr. [Tipsy.] Don't you remember that old kissing-song He'd sing to blushing Mistress Lalage, The hostess of the Pigeons? Thus it ran:

SONG

[During symphony HILARION and FLORIAN try to stop CYRIL. He shakes them off angrily.

Cyr. Would you know the kind of maid

Sets my heart aflame-a? Eyes must be downcast and staid,

Cheeks must flush for shame-a !

She may neither dance nor sing, But, demure in everything, Hang her head in modest way, With pouting lips that seem to say

" Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, Though I die of shame-a ! "

Please you, that 's the kind of maid Sets my heart aflame-a !

When a maid is bold and gay With a tongue goes clang-a, Flaunting it in brave array, Maiden may go hang-a !

Sunflower gay and hollyhock

Never shall my garden stock;

Mine the blushing rose of May,

With pouting lips that seem to say, " Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,

Though I die for shame-a ! " Please you that's the kind of maid

Sets my heart aflame-a !

Prin. Infamous creature, get you hence away !

[HILARION, who has been "with difficulty restrained by FLORIAN during this song, breaks from him and strikes CYRIL furiously on the breast.

Hil. Dog! there is something more to sing about! Cyr. [Sobered.] Hilarion, are you mad? Prin. [Horrified.'] Hilarion? Help!

Why these are men ! Lost ! lost ! betrayed ! undone

[Running on to bridge.

Girls, get you hence ! Man-monsters, if you dare

Approach one step, I Ah !

[Loses her balance, and falls into the stream. Psy. Oh ! save her, sir !

Bla. It's useless, sir, you'll only meet your death !

[HILARION springs in. Sack. He catches her ! Mel. And now he lets her go !

Again she 's in his grasp ! Psy. And now she's not!

He seizes her back hair !

Bla. [Not looking.} And it comes off!

Psy. No! no! She 's saved ! she's saved ! she 's saved! she 's

saved !

[HILARION is seen swimming with PRINCESS in one arm. The PRINCESS and he are brought to land.

FINALE

CHORUS OF LADIES Oh ! joy, our chief is saved, And by Hilarion's hand ; The torrent fierce he braved, And brought her safe to land ! For his intrusion we must own This doughty deed may well atone !

Prin. Stand forth ye three,

Whoe'er ye be, And hearken to our stern decree !

RECIT.

HiL, Cyr., and Flo. Have mercy, lady disregard your oaths ! Prin. I know not mercy, men in women's clothes ! The man whose sacrilegious eyes Invade our strict seclusion, dies. Arrest these coarse intruding spies!

[They are arrested by the " Daughters of the Plough"

Flo., Cyr., and Ladies. Have mercy, lady disregard your oaths! Prin. I know not mercy, men in women's clothes !

[CYRIL and FLORIAN are bound.

SONG Hit. Whom thou hast chained must wear his chain,

Thou canst not set him free, He wrestles with his bonds in vain

Who lives by loving thee ! If heart of stone for heart of fire,

Be all thou hast to give, If dead to me my heart's desire, Why should I wish to live?

No word of thine no stern command

Can teach my heart to rove, Then rather perish by thy hand,

Than live without thy love ! A loveless life apart from thee

Were hopeless slavery, If kindly death will set me free,

Why should I fear to die ?

[He is bound by two of the attendants, and the three gentle- men are marched off.

Enter MELISSA

Mel. Madam, without the castle walls

An armed band

Demand admittance to our halls For Hildebrand !

All. Oh horror!

Prin* Deny them !

We will defy them !

All. Too late too late !

The castle gate Is battered by them !

[The gate yields. HILDEBRAND and SOLDIERS rush in. ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS are with them, but with their hands handcuffed.

All. [SOLDIERS and LADIES.] Too late too late !

The castle gate Is battered by them !

THE GATE YIELDS. HILDEBRAND AND SOLDIERS

RUSH IN

ENSEMBLE

Girls Men

Rend the air with wailing, Walls and fences scaling,

Shed the shameful tear! Promptly we appear;

Walls are unavailing, Walls are unavailing,

Man has entered here ! We have entered here.

Shame and desecration Female execration

Are his staunch allies, Stifle if you're wise,

Let your lamentation Stop your lamentation,

Echo to the skies ! Dry your pretty eyes !

RECIT.

Prin. Audacious tyrant, do you dare

To beard a maiden in her lair?

King. Since you enquire,

We've no desire To beard a maiden here, or anywhere !

Sol. No no we've no desire

To beard a maiden here, or anywhere !

SOLO Hild. Some years ago

No doubt you know (And if you don't I'll tell you so) You gave your troth Upon your oath To Hilarion my son. A vow you make You must not break,

(If you think you may, it 's a great mistake,) For a bride 's a bride Though the knot were tied At the early age of one !

And I'm a peppery kind of King,

Who 's indisposed for parleying,

To fit the wit of a bit of a chit,

And that 's the long and the short of it !

All. For he 's a peppery kind of King, etc.

Hild. If you decide

To pocket your pride And let Hilarion claim his bride, Why, well and good, It's understood We'll let bygones go by But if you choose To sulk in the blues,

I'll make the whole of you shake in your shoes ! I'll storm your walls, And level your halls,

In the twinkling of an eye ! For I'm a peppery Potentate, Who 's little inclined his claim to bate, To fit the wit of a bit of a chit, And that 's the long and the short of it !

TRIO ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS We may remark, though nothing can

Dismay us, That if you thwart this gentleman,

He'll slay us. We don't fear death, of course we're taught

To shame it ; But still upon the whole we thought

We'd name it. [To each other.] Yes, yes, better perhaps to name it.

Our interests we would not press

With chatter, Three hulking brothers more or less

Don't matter; If you'd pooh-pooh this monarch's plan,

Pooh-pooh it, But when he says he'll hang a man,

He'll do it. [To each other.'] Yes, yes, devil doubt he'll do it.

THOUGH I AM BUT A GIRL, DEFIANCE THUS I HURL"

Prin. \Recit.\ Be reassured, nor fear his anger blind,

His menaces are idle as the wind.

He dares not kill you vengeance lurks behind! Ar.y Crur., Scyn. We rather think he dares, but never mind!

No, no, never, never mind ! King. Enough of parley as a special boon

We give you till to-morrow afternoon ;

Release Hilarion, then, and be his bride,

Or you'll incur the guilt of fratricide !

ENSEMBLE

Princess The Others

To yield at once to such a foe Oh ! yield at once, 'twere better so

With shame were rife ; Than risk a strife !

So quick! away withhim, although And let the Prince Hilarion go

He saved my life ! He saved thy life !

That he is fair, and strong, and Hilarion 's fair, and strong, and

tall, tall

Is very evident to all, A worse misfortune mightbefall

Yet I will die before I call It 's not so dreadful, after all,

Myself his wife ! To be his wife !

SOLO

Prin. Though I am but a girl,

Defiance thus I hurl, Our banners all On outer wall We fearlessly unfurl.

All. Though she is but a girl, etc.

Princess The Others

That he is fair, etc. Hilarion 's fair, etc.

\The PRINCESS stands c., surrounded by girls kneeling. The KING and soldiers stand on built rocks at back and sides of stage. Picture.

CURTAIN

END OF ACT II

SCENE. Outer Walls and Courtyard of Castle Adamant. MELISSA, SACHARISSA and ladies discovered, dressed in chain mail and armed -with battle-axes.

CHORUS Death to the invader!

Strike a deadly blow, As an old Crusader

Struck his Paynim foe ! Let our martial thunder Fill his soul with wonder, Tear his ranks asunder,

Lay the tyrant low !

SOLO Mel. Thus our courage, all untarnished,

We're instructed to display: But to tell the truth unvarnished,

We are more inclined to say, " Please you, do not hurt us."

All. " Do not hurt us, if it please you!"

Mel. " Please you, let us be."

All. " Let us be let us be! "

Mel. " Soldiers disconcert us."

All. " Disconcert us, if it please you !"

Mel. "Frightened maids are we."

All. " Maids are we maids are we!"

MELISSA

But 'twould be an error To confess our terror, So, in Ida's name, Boldly we exclaim :

CHORUS Death to the invader

Strike a deadly blow As an old Crusader

Struck his Paynim foe! Let our martial thunder Fill his soul with wonder Tear his ranks asunder

Lay the tyrant low!

Flourish. Enter PRINCESS, armed, attended by BLANCHE and PSYCHE

Prin. I like your spirit, girls! We have to meet

Stern bearded warriors in fight to-day: Wear naught but what is necessary to Preserve your dignity before their eyes, And give your limbs full play.

Bla. One moment, ma'am.

Here is a paradox we should not pass Without enquiry. We are prone to say "This thing is Needful that, Superfluous," Yet they invariably co-exist! We find the Needful comprehended in The circle of the grand Superfluous, Yet the Superfluous cannot be bought Unless you're amply furnished with the Needful. These singular considerations are

Prin. Superfluous, yet not Needful so you see The terms may independently exist.

[To Ladies.} Women of Adamant, we have to show That Woman, educated to the task, Can meet Man, face to face, on his own ground, And beat him there. Now let us set to work; Where is our lady surgeon?

Sac. Madam, here!

Prin. We shall require your skill to heal the wounds

Of those that fall.

Sac. [Alarmed.] What, heal the wounded?

Prin. Yes!

Sac. And cut off real live legs and arms?

Prin. Of course!

Sac. I wouldn't do it for a thousand pounds!

Prin. Why, how is this? Are you faint-hearted, girl?

You've often cut them off in theory! Sac. In theory I'll cut them off again

With pleasure, and as often as you like,

But not in practice. Prin. Coward ! get you hence,

I've craft enough for that, and courage too.

I'll do your work! My fusiliers, advance,

Why, you are armed with axes! Gilded toys!

Where are your rifles, pray? Chloe. Why, please you, ma'am,

We left them in the armoury, for fear

That in the heat and turmoil of the fight,

They might go off! Prin. " They might! " Oh, craven souls!

Go off yourselves! Thank heaven, I have a heart

That quails not at the thought of meeting men ;

/will discharge your rifles! Off with you!

Where 's my bandmistress? Ada. Please you, ma'am, the band

Do not feel well, and can't come out to-day! Prin. Why, this is flat rebellion! I've no time

To talk to them just now. But, happily,

I can play several instruments at once,

And I will drown the shrieks of those that fall

With trumpet music, such as soldiers love!

How stand we with respect to gunpowder?

My Lady Psyche you who superintend

Our lab'ratory are you well prepared

To blow these bearded rascals into shreds? Psy. Why, madam Prin. Well?

Psy. Let us try gentler means.

We can dispense with fulminating grains

While we have eyes with which to flash our rage; We can dispense with villainous saltpetre While we have tongues with which to blow them up ; We can dispense, in short, with all the arts That brutalize the practical polemist!

Prin. [Contemptuously.} I never knew a more dispensing chemist! Away, away I'll meet these men alone Since all my women have deserted me! [Exeunt all but PRINCESS, singing refrain of" Death to the Invader j" pianissimo.

Prin. So fail my cherished plans so fails my faith And with it hope, and all that comes of hope!

SONG Prin. I built upon a rock,

But ere Destruction's hand Dealt equal lot To Court and cot, My rock had turned to sand! Ah, faithless rock, My simple faith to mock!

I leant upon an oak. But in the hour of need,

Alack-a-day,

My trusted stay Was but a bruised reed!

Ah, trait'rous oak

Thy worthlessness to cloke!

I drew a sword of steel,

But when to home and hearth The battle's breath Bore fire and death, My sword was but a lath ! Ah, coward steel, That fear can unanneal!

[She sinks on a bank.

Enter CHLOE and all the ladies

Chloe. Madam, your father and your brothers claim An audience!

Prin. What do they do here?

Chloe. They come

To fight for you !

Prin. Admit them!

Bla. Infamous!

One's brothers, ma'am, are men !

Prin. So I have heard,

But all my women seem to fail me when I need them most. In this emergency, Even one's brothers may be turned to use.

Enter GAMA, quite pale and unnerved

Gama. My daughter!

Prin. Father! thou art free!

Gama. Aye, free!

Free as a tethered ass! I come to thee With words from Hildebrand. Those duly given, I must return to black captivity. I'm free so far.

Prin. Your message.

Gama. Hildebrand

Is loth to war with women. Pit my sons, My three brave sons, against these popinjays, These tufted jack-a-dandy featherheads, And on the issue let thy hand depend!

Prin. Insult on insult's head! Are we a stake

For fighting men? What fiend possesses thee That thou hast come with offers such as these From such as he to such an one as I?

Gama. I am possessed

By the pale devil of a shaking heart! My stubborn will is bent. I dare not face That devilish monarch's black malignity! He tortures me with torments worse than death,

I haven't anything to grumble at! He finds out what particular meats I love, And gives me them. The very choicest wines, The costliest robes the richest rooms are mine: He suffers none to thwart my simplest plan, And gives strict orders none should contradict me! He 's made my life a curse! [Weeps.

Prin. My tortured father!

SONG Gama. Whene'er I spoke

Sarcastic joke

Replete with malice spiteful, This people mild Politely smiled, And voted me delightful! Now when a wight Sits up all night Ill-natured jokes devising, And all his wiles Are met with smiles, It's hard, there's no disguising! Oh, don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and nothing goes wrong; And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at!

When German bands

From music stands Played Wagner imper/ktfly

I bade them go

They didn't say no, But off they went directly!

The organ boys

They stopped their noise With readiness surprising,

And grinning herds

Of hurdy-gurds Retired apologizing! Oh, don't the days seem lank and long, etc.

I offered gold

In sums untold To all who'd contradict me

I said I'd pay

A pound a day To any one who kicked me

I bribed with toys

Great vulgar boys To utter something spiteful,

But, bless you, no!

They would be so Confoundedly politeful !

In short, these aggravating lads They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads, They give me this and they give me that, And I've nothing whatever to grumble at!

[He bursts into tears, and falls sobbing on a bank.

Prin. My poor old father! How he must have suffered!

Well, well, I yield!

Gama. [Hysterically.] She yields! I'm saved, I'm saved! Prin. Open the gates admit these warriors, Then get you all within the castle walls. [The gates are opened, and the girls mount the battlements as HILDEBRAND enters with soldiers. Also ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS.

CHORUS OF SOLDIERS

When anger spreads his wing,

And all seems dark as night for it,

There 's nothing but to fight for it, But ere you pitch your ring,

Select a pretty site for it,

(This spot is suited quite for it) And then you gaily sing,

"Oh, I love the jolly rattle Of an ordeal by battle, There 's an end of tittle, tattle,

When your enemy is dead.

ALL

It 's an arrant molley coddle, Fears a crack upon the noddle, And he 's only fit to swaddle,

In a downy feather-bed !

For a fight 's a kind of thing That I love to look upon,

So let us sing,

Long live the King, And his son Hilarion !

[During this, HILARION, FLORIAN, and CYRIL are brought out by the " Daughters of the Plough." They are still bound and wear the robes.

Gama.

Hil.

Gama.

Hilarion! Cyril! Florian! dressed as women! Is this indeed Hilarion?

Yes it is!

Why, you look handsome in your women's clothes! Stick to 'em! men's attire becomes you not! [To CYRIL and FLORIAN.] And you, young ladies, will you please

to pray

King Hildebrand to set me free again? Hang on his neck and gaze into his eyes, He never could resist a pretty face! You dog, you'll find though I wear woman's garb, My sword is long and sharp!

Hush, pretty one!

Here 's a virago! Here 's a termagant! If length and sharpness go for anything, You'll want no sword while you can wag your tongue! What need to waste your words on such as he? He 's old and crippled.

Aye, but I've three sons,

Fine fellows, young, and muscular, and brave. They^ re well worth talking to! Come, what d'ye say? Aye, pretty ones, engage yourselves with us, If three rude warriors affright you not! Old as you are I'd wring your shrivelled neck If you were not the Princess Ida's father.

Hil.

Gama.

Cyril. Gama.

Arac.

Hil.

Gama. If I were not the Princess Ida's father,

And so had not her brothers for my sons,

No doubt you'd wring my neck in safety too!

Come, come, Hilarion, begin, begin!

Give them no quarter they will give you none.

You've this advantage over warriors,

Who kill their country's enemies for pay,

You know what you are fighting for look there!

{Pointing to Ladies on the battlements.

SONG Arac. This helmet, I suppose,

Was meant to ward off blows, It 's very hot, And weighs a lot, As many a guardsman knows, So off that helmet goes.

The Three Knights. Yes, Yes,

So off that helmet goes!

[Giving their helmets to attendants.

Arac. This tight-fitting cuirass

Is but a useless mass,

It 's made of steel,

And weighs a deal, A man is but an ass Who fights in a cuirass, So off goes that cuirass.

All Three. Yes, yes,

So off goes that cuirass! [Removing cuirasses.

Arac. These brassets, truth to tell,

May look uncommon well,

But in a fight

They're much too tight, They're like a lobster shell!

All Three. Yes, yes,

They're like a lobster shell.

[Removing their brassets.

Arac. These things I treat the same, [Indicating leg pieces.

(I quite forget their name) They turn one's legs To cribbage pegs Their aid I thus disclaim, Though I forget their name All Three. Yes, yes,

Though we forget their name, Their aid we thus disclaim !

[They remove their leg pieces and wear close fitting shape suits. [Desperate fight between the three Princes and the three Knights during which the ladies on the battlements and the soldiers on the stage sing the following chorus: This is our duty plain towards

Our Princess all immaculate. We ought to bless her brothers' swords, And piously ejaculate: Oh, Hungary! Oh, Hungary!

Oh, doughty sons of Hungary! May all success Attend and bless Your warlike ironmongery!

[By this time ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS are on the ground, wounded HILARION, CYRIL, and FLORIAN stand over them. Prin. [Entering through gate and followed by Ladies.] Hold! stay

your hands! we yield ourselves to you! Ladies, my brothers all lie bleeding there! Bind up their wounds but look the other way. [Coming down.] Is this the end? [Bitterly to LADY BLANCHE.]

How say you, Lady Blanche Can I with dignity my post resign? And if I do, will you then take my place? Bla. To answer this, it 's meet that we consult The great Potential Mysteries ; I mean The five Subjunctive Possibilities The May, the Might, the Would, the Could, the Should.

Can you resign? The prince Might claim you; if He Might, you Could and if you Should, I Would!

Prin. I thought as much! Then, to my fate I yield So ends my cherished scheme! Oh, I had hoped To band all women with my maiden throng, And make them all abjure tyrannic Manl

Hild. A noble aim!

Prin. You ridicule it now;

But if I carried out this glorious scheme, At my exalted name Posterity Would bow in gratitude!

Hild. But pray reflect

If you enlist all women in your cause, And make them all abjure tyrannic Man, The obvious question then arises, " How Is this Posterity to be provided?"

Prin. I never thought of that! My Lady Blanche, How do you solve the riddle?

Bla. Don't ask me

Abstract Philosophy won't answer it. Take him he is your Shall. Give in to Fate!

Prin. And you desert me. I alone am staunch!

Hit. Madam, you placed your trust in Woman well, Woman has failed you utterly try Man, Give him one chance, it 's only fair besides, Women are far too precious, too divine To try unproven theories upon. Experiments, the proverb says, are made On humble subjects try our grosser clay, And mould it as you will !

Cyr. Remember, too,

Dear Madam, if at any time you feel A-weary of the Prince, you can return To Castle Adamant, and rule your girls As heretofore, you know.

Prin. And shall I find

The Lady Psyche here?

Psy. If Cyril, ma'am,

Does not behave himself, I think you will.

Prin. And you, Melissa, shall I find you here? Mel. Madam, however Florian turns out,

Unhesitatingly I answer, No! Gama. Consider this, my love, if your mama

Had looked on matters from your point of view

(I wish she had), why where would you have been? Bla. There 's an unbounded field of speculation,

On which I could discourse for hours! Prin. No doubt!

We will not trouble you. Hilarion,

I have been wrong I see my error now.

Take me, Hilarion " We will walk the world

Yoked in all exercise of noble end!

And so through those dark gates across the wild

That no man knows! Indeed, I love thee Come!"

FINALE

Prin. With joy abiding,

Together gliding

Through life's variety, In sweet society, And thus enthroning The love I'm owning, On this atoning I will rely!

CHORUS

It were profanity For poor humanity To treat as vanity

The sway of Love. In no locality Or principality Is our mortality

Its sway above!

Hit. When day is fading,

With serenading

And such frivolity Of tender quality

PRINCESS IDA

With scented showers Of fairest flowers, The happy hours Will gaily fly!

CHORUS It were profanity, etc.

CURTAIN