SIR HARCOURT COURTLY
MAX HARKAWAY
CHARLES COURTLY
MR SPANKER
DAZZLE
MARK MEDDLE
COOL (Valet)
SIMPSON (Butler)
MARTIN
LADY GAY SPANKER
GRACE HARKAWAY
PERT
An ante-room in sir harcourt courtly's house in
Belgrave Square.
Enter cool.
COOL. Half-past nine, and Mr Charles has not yet returned: I
am in a fever of dread. If his father happen to rise earlier than
usual on any morning, he is sure to ask first for Air Charles.
Poor deluded old gentleman - he little thinks how he is
deceived.
Enter martin, lazily.
Well, Martin, he has not come home yet?
martin. No; and I have not had a wink of sleep all night - I
cannot stand this any longer; I shall give warning. This is
the fifth night Mr Courtly has remained out, and I am
obliged to stand at the hall window to watch for him.
COOL. You know if Sir Harcourt is aware that we connived at
his son's irregularities, we should all be discharged.
MARTIN. I have used up all my common excuses on his duns. -
'Call again,' 'Not at home,' and 'Send it down to you,' won't
serve any more; and Mr Crust, the wine-merchant, swears
he will be paid.
COOL. So they all say. Why, he has arrests out against him
already. I've seen the fellows watching the door - {Loud
knock and ring heard.) - there he is, just in time - quick,
Martin, for I expect Sir WilUam's bell every moment - {Bell
rings.) and there it is. (Exft martin, i/oro/j'.) Thank heaven!
he will return to college tomorrow, and his heavy responsi-
bility will be taken ofiF my shoulders. A valet is as difficult a
post to fill properly as that of prime minister. {Exit.)
young COURTLY {without). Hollo!
DAZZLE (without). Steady!
Enter YOViG courtly ami dazzle.
YOUNG COURTLY. Hollo--o!
dazzle. Hush! what are you about, howling like a Hottentot.
Sit down there, and thanls heaven you are in Belgrave
Square, instead of Bow Street.
YOUNG COURTLY. D-d - damn Bow Street.
DAZZLE. Oh, with all my heart! - you have not seen as much
of it as I have.
YOUNG COURTLY. I say - let me see - what was I goir to
say? - oh, lools here - (He pulls out a large assortment of
knockers, bell-pulls, etc., from his pocket.) There! dam'me!
I'll puzzle the two-penny postmen, - I'll deprive them of
their right of disturbing the neighbourhood. That black
lion's head did belong to old Vampire, the money-lender;
this bell-pull to Miss Stitch, the milliner.
DAZZLE. And this brass griffin -
YOUNG COURTLY. That! oh, let me see - I think - I twisted
that off our own hall-door as I came in, while you were
paying the cab.
DAZZLE. What shall I do with them?
YOUNG COURTLY. Pack *em in a small hamper, and send 'em
to the sitting magistrate with my father's compliments; in
the meantime, come into my room and I'll astonish you
with some Burgundy.
Re-enter cool.
COOL. Mr Charles -
YOUNG COURTLY. Out! out! not at home to anyone.
COOL. And drunk -
YOUNG COURTLY. As a lord.
COOL. If Sir Harcourt knew this, he would go mad, he would
discharge me.
YOUNG COURTLY. You flatter yourself; that would be no
proof of his insanity. - {To dazzle.) This is Cool, sir, Mr
Cool; he is the best liar in London - there is a pungency
about his invention, and an originality in his equivocation,
that is perfectly refreshing.
COOL {aside). Why, Mr Charles, where did you pick him up?
YOUNG COURTLY. You mistake, he picked me up. {Bell rings.)
COOL. Here comes Sir Harcourt - pray do not let him see you
in this state.
YOUNG COURTLY. State! What do you mean? I am in a
beautiful state.
COOL. I should lose my character.
YOUNG COURTLY. That would be a fortunate epoch in your
life. Cool.
COOL. Your father would discharge me.
YOUNG COURTLY. Cool, my dad is an old ass!
COOL. Retire to your own room, for heaven's sake, Mr Charles.
YOUNG COURTLY. I'll do SO for my own sake. {To dazzle.)
I say, old fellow {Staggering.) just hold the door steady while
I go in.
DAZZLE. This way. Now, then! - take care! {Helps him into the
room.)
Enter SIR harcourt courtly in an elegant dressing-
gown and Greek skull-cap and tassels, etc.
SIR HARCOURT. Cool, is breakfast ready?
COOL. Quite ready. Sir Harcourt.
SIR HARCOURT. Apropos. I Omitted to mention that I expect
Squire Harkaway to join us this morning, and you must
prepare for my departure to Oak Hall immediately.
COOL. Leave town in the middle of the season, Sir Harcourt?
So unprecedented a proceeding!
SIR HARCOURT. It is. I confess it, there is but One powcr could
effect such a miracle, - that is divinity.
COOL. How!
SIR HARCOURT. In female form, of course. Cool, I am about
to present society with a second Lady Courtly; young -
blushing eighteen; - lovely! I have her portrait; rich! I have
her banker's account; - an heiress, and a Venus!
COOL. Lady Courtly could be none other.
SIR HARCOURT. Ha! ha! Cool, your manners are above your
station. - Apropos, I shall find no further use for my
brocaded dressing-gown.
COOL {bowing). I thank you. Sir Harcourt. - Might I ask who
the fortunate Lady is?
LONDON. ASSURANCE
SIR HARCOURT. Certainly; Miss Grace Harkaway, the niece
of my old friend, Max.
COOL. Have you never seen the lady, sir?
SIR HARCOURT. Never - that is, yes - eight years ago.
Having been, as you know, on the continent for the last seven
years I have not had the opportunity of paying my devoirs.
Our connection and betrothal was a very extraordinary one.
Her father's estates were contiguous to mine; - being a
penurious miserly, ugly old scoundrel, he made a market of
my indiscretion, and suppUed my extravagance with large
sums of money on mortgages, his great desire being to
unite the two properties. About seven years ago, he died -
leaving Grace, a girl, to the guardianship of her vincle, with
this will: - if, on attaining the age of nineteen, she would
consent to marry me, I should receive those deeds, and all
his property, as her dowry. If she refused to comply with
this condition, they should revert to my heir-presumptive or
apparent. - She consents.
COOL. Who would not?
SIR HARCOURT. I consent to receive her £, a year.
COOL (aside). Who would not?
SIR HARCOURT. So prepare. Cool, prepare! - But where is my
boy, where is Charles?
COOL. Why - oh, he is gone out. Sir Harcourt; yes, gone out
to take a walk.
SIR HARCOURT. Poor child! A perfect child in heart -a sober,
placid mind - the simplicity and verdure of boyhood, kept
fresh and unsullied by any contact with society. Tell me.
Cool, at what time was he in bed last night?
COOL. Half-past nine, Sir Harcourt.
SIR HARCOURT. Half-past nine! Beautiful! What an original
idea! Reposing in cherub slxmibers, while all around him
teems with drinking and debauchery! Primitive sweetness
of nature! No pilot-coated, bear-skinned brawling!
COOL. Oh, Sir Harcourt!
SIR HARCOURT. No cigar-smoking -
COOL. Faints at the smell of one.
SIR HARCOURT. No brandy and water bibbing -
COOL. Doesn't know the taste of anjrthing stronger than
barley-water.
SIR HARCOURT. No night parading -
COOL. Never heard the dock strike twelve, except at noon.
SIR HARCOURT. In fact, he is my son, and came a gentleman
by right of paternity. He inherited my manners.
Enter martin.
MARTIN. Mr Harkaway! ,
Enter max harkaway.
MAX. Squire Harkaway, fellow, or Max Harkaway, another
time, (martin bows, and exit.) Ah! Ha! Sir Harcourt, I'm
devilish glad to see ye! Gi' me your fist. Dang it, but I'm
glad to see ye! Let me see. Six - seven years or more, since
we have met. How quickly they have flown!
sir harcourt (throwing off his studied manner). Max, Max!
Give me your hand, old boy. - {Aside.) Ah! he is glad to see
me. There is no fawning pretence about that squeeze. -
[Cool, you may retire. (Exit cool.)]
MAX. Why, you are looking quite rosy.
sir HARCOURT. Ah! ah! Rosy! Am I too florid?
MAX. Not a bit; not a bit.
SIR HARCOURT. I thought SO. - (Aside.) Cool said I had put
too much on.
MAX. How comes it. Courtly, that you manage to retain your
youth? See, I'm as grey as an old badger, or a wild rabbit;
while you are - are as black as a young rook. I say, whose
head grew your hair, eh?
SIR HARCOURT. Permit me to remark that all the beauties of
my person are of home manufacture. Why should you be
surprised at my youth? I have scarcely thrown oflf the
giddiness of a very boy - elasticity of hmb - buoyance
of soul! Remark this position - (Throws himself into an
Insert: sir harcourt. Cool, you may retire.
Exit COOL.
attitude.) I held that attitude for ten minutes at Lady Acid's
last reunion, at the express desire of one of our first sculp-
tors, while he was making a sketch of me for the Apollo.
MAX [{aside). Making a butt of thee for their gibes.]
SIR HARCOURT. Lady Sarah Sarcasm started up, and point-
ing to my face, ejaculated, 'Good gracious! Does not Sir
Harcourt remind you of the countenance of Ajax, in the
Pompeian portrait?'
MAX [Ajax! - humbug!]
SIR HARCOURT. You are complimentary.
MAX. I'm a plain man, and always speak my mind. What's in
a face or figure? Does a Grecian nose entail a good tem-
per? Does a waspish waist indicate a good heart? Or,
do oily perfumed locks necessarily thatch a well-fumished
brain?
SIR HARCOURT. It's an undeniable fact, -plain people always
praise the beauties of the mind.
MAX. Excuse the insinuation; I had thought the first Lady
Courtly had surfeited you with beauty.
SIR HARCOURT. No; she lived foiurteen months with me, and
then eloped with an intimate friend. Etiquette compelled me
to challenge the seducer; so I received satisfaction - and a
bullet in my shoulder at the same time. However, I had the
consolation of knowing that he was the handsomest man of
the age. She did not insult me, by miming away with a d - d
ill-looking scoundrel.
MAX. That certainly was flattering.
SIR HARCOURT. I felt SO, as I pocketed the ten thousand
pounds damages.
MAX. That must have been a great balm to your sore honour.
SIR HARCOURT. It was - Max, my honour would have died
without it; for on that year the wrong horse won the Derby -
by some mistake. It was one of the luckiest chances - a thing
that does not happen twice in a man's life - the opportimity
of getting rid of his wife and his debts at the same time.
*
I wonder you didn't do yourself an injury.
A damned silly woman I
M AX . Tell the truth. Courtly ! Did you not feel a little frayed in
your delicacy? - your honour, now? Eh?
SIR HARCOURT. Not a whit. Why should I? I married money
and I received it, - virgin gold! My delicacy and honour had
nothing to do with hers. The world pities the bereaved
husband, when it should congratulate. No, - the affair made
a sensation, and I was the object. [Besides, it is vulgar to
make a parade of one's feelings, however acute they may be:
impenetrabiUty of covmtenance is the sure sign of your highly
bred man of fashion.
MAX. So, a man must, therefore, lose his wife and his money
with a smile,-in fact, everything he possesses but his temper.
SIR HARCOURT. Exactly, - and greet ruin with vive la
bagatelle! For example, - your modish beauty never dis-
composes the shape of her features with convulsive laughter.
A smile rewards the bon mot, and also shows the whiteness
of her teeth. She never weeps impromptu, - tears might
destroy the economy of her cheek. Scenes are vulgar, -
hysterics obsolete; she exhibits a calm, placid, impenetrable
lake, whose surface is reflection, but of unfathomable depth,
fact.
MAX. Well, give me the girl that will fly at your eyes in an
argument, and stick to her point like a fox to his own tail.
SIR HARCOURT. But etiquette! Max, - remember etiquette!
MAX. Damn etiquette! I have seen a man who thought it
sacrilege to eat fish with a knife, that would not scruple to
rise up and rob his brother of his birthright in a gambling-
house. Your thoroughbred, well-blooded heart will seldom
kick over the traces of good feeling. That's my opinion, and
I don't care who knows it.
SIR HARCOURT. Pardon me, - etiquette is the pulse of society,
by regulating which the body politic is retained in health. I
consider myself one of the faculty in the art.]
MAX. Well, well; you are a living libel upon common sense, for
you are old enough to know better.
SIR HARCOURT. Old enough! What do you mean? Old! [I
still retain all my little juvenile indiscretions, which your
niece's beauties must teach me to discard.] I have not sown
my wild oats yet.
MAX. Time you did, at sixty-three.
SIR HARCOURT. Sixty-three! Good God! - forty, 'pon my
life! Forty, next March.
MAX. Why, you are older than I am.
SIR HARCOURT. Oh, you are old enough to be my father!
MAX. Well, if I am, I am; that's etiquette, I suppose. [Poor
Grace! How often I have pitied her fate! That a young and
beautiful creature should be driven into wretched splendour
or miserable poverty!
SIR HARCOURT. Wretched! Wherefore? Lady Ck)urtiy
wretched! Impossible!
MAX. Will she not be compelled to marry you, whether she
likes you or not? - a choice between you and poverty.
(Aside.) And hang me if it isn't a tie!] But why do you not
introduce your son Charles to me? I have not seen him since
he was a child. You would never permit hirn to accept any of
my invitations to spend his vacation at Oak Hall, - of course,
we shall have the pleasure of his company now.
SIR HARCOURT. He is uot fit to enter society yet. He is a
studious, sober boy.
MAX. Boy! Why, he's five-and-twenty.
SIR HARCOURT. Good gracious ! Max - you will permit me to
know my own son's age, - he is not twenty.
MAX. I'm dumb.
SIR HARCOURT. You wiU excuse me while I indulge in the
process of dressing. - Cool!
Enter cooL.
I must tell poor Grace about etiquette She was expecting a
wheezing antique for a husband. Now etiquette gives her Ajax
and Apollo all rolled into one.
SIR HARCOURT. Well, SO it does and if she's the sensible girl
I take her for, I expect her to embrace her good fortune
with both arms. For without me she is penniless. And so am
I.
MAX True. Etiquette or no, that's true.
Prepare my toilet. {Exit cool.) That is a ceremony, which,
with me, supersedes all others. I consider it a duty which
every gentleman owes to society - to render himself as
agreeable an object as possible - and the least compliment a
mortal can pay to nature, when she honours him by bestow-
ing extra care in the manufacture of his person, is to display
her taste to the best possible advantage; and so, [au
revoir.] {Exit.)
MAX. That's a good soul - he has his faults, and who has not?
Forty years of age! Oh, monstrous! - But he does look un-
commonly yoimg for sixty, spite of his foreign locks and
complexion.
Enter DAZZLE.
DAZZLE. Who's my friend, with the stick and gaiters, I
wonder - one of the family - the governor maybe.
MAX. Who's this? Oh, Charles [is that you, my boy? How are
you? {Aside.) This is the boy.
DAZZLE. He knows me - he is too respectable for a bailiff.
{Aloud.) How are you?
MAX. Your father has just left me.
DAZZLE {aside). The devil he has! He's been dead these ten
years.] Oh! I see, he thinks I'm young Courtly. {Aloud.) The
honour you would confer upon me, I must unwillingly
disclaim, - I am not Mr Courtly.
MAX. I beg pardon - a friend, I suppose.
DAZZLE. Oh, a most intimate friend - a friend of years -
distantly related to the family - one of my ancestors married
one of his. {Aside.) Adam and Eve.
MAX. Are you on a visit here?
a bientot.
Insert : {aside, on seeing harkaway)
- there you are, my boy. How are you?
DAZZLE. Beautiful. How's yourself?
MAX. Your father has just left me.
DAZZLE. Has he? He's been dead these ten years.
MAX. I expect him down on a visit.
DAZZLE {looking up). The devil you do.
DAZZLE. Yes. Oh! yes. (Aside.) Rather a short one, I'm afraid.
MAX (aside). This appears a dashing kind of fellow - as he is a
friend of Sir Harcoiirt's, I'll invite him to the wedding.
(Aloud.) Sir, if you are not otherwise engaged, I shall feel
honoured by your company at my house, Oak Hall,
Gloucestershire.
DAZZLE. Your name is -
MAX. Harkaway - Max Harkaway.
DAZZLE. Harkaway - let me see - I ought to be related to the
Harkaways, somehow.
MAX. A wedding is about to come off- will you take a part on
the occasion?
DAZZLE. With pleasure! Any part, but that of the husband.
MAX. Have you any previous engagement?
DAZZLE. I was thinking - eh! why, let me see. (Aside.)
Promised to meet my tailor and his account tomorrow;
however, I'll postpone that. (Aloud.) Have you good
shooting?
MAX. Shooting! Why, there's no shooting at this time of the
year.
DAZZLE. [Oh! I'm in no hurry- I can wait till the season, of
course.] I was only speaking precautionally - you have good
shooting?
MAX. The best in the* [country.]
DAZZLE. Make yourself comfortable! - Say no more -
I'm your man - wait till you see how I'll murder your pre-
serves.
MAX. Do you hunt?
DAZZLE. Pardon me - but will you repeat that? (Aside.)
Delicious and expensive idea!
MAX. You ride?
DAZZLE. Anything! Everything! From a blood to a broom-
stick. Only catch me a flash of lightning, and let me get on
the back of it, and dam'me if I wouldn't astonish the
elements.
MAX. Ha! ha!
DAZZLE. I'd put a girdle round about the earth, in very
considerably less than forty minutes.
MAX. Ah! ha! We'll show old Fiddlestrings how to spend the
day. [He imagines that Nature, at the earnest request of
Fashion, made summer days long for him to saunter in the
Park, and winter nights, that he might have good time to get
cleared out at hazard or at whist.] Give me the yelping of a
pack of hounds before the shufiling of a pack of cards. What
state can match the chase in full cry, each vying with [his
fellow which shall be most happy?] A thousand deaths fly by
unheeded in that one hour's life of ecstasy.Time is outnm, and
Nature seems to grudge our bliss by making the day so short.
DAZZLE. No, for then rises up [the idol of my great adoration.]
MAX. Who's that?
DAZZLE. The bottle - [that lends a lustre to the soul! - When
the world puts on its nightcap and extinguishes the sun -
then comes the bottle! Oh, mighty wine! Don't ask me to
apostrophize.] Wine and love are the only two indescribable
things in nature j but I prefer the wine, because its conse-
quences [are not entailed, and] are more easily got rid of.
MAX. How so?
DAZZLE. Love ends in matrimony, wine in soda water.]
MAX. Well, I can promise you as fine a bottle as ever was
cracked.
DAZZLE. Never mind the bottle, give me the wine. Say no
more; but, when I arrive, just shake one of my hands, and
put the key of the cellar into the other, and if I don't make
myself intimately acquainted with its internal organization -
well, I say nothing, - time will show.
MAX. I foresee some happy days.
the other who can enjoy himself the most.
my great idol.
DAZZLE. And I some glorious nights.
MAX. It mustn't be a flying visit.
DAZZLE. I despise the word - I'll stop a month' with [you].
MAX. Or a year or two.
DAZZLE. I'll live and die with you.
MAX. Ha! ha! Remember! Max Harkaway, Oak Hallj
Gloucestershire.
DAZZLE. I'll remember - fare ye well, (max is going.) I say,
holloa! - Tallyho-o-o-o!
max. Yoicks! - Tallyho-o-o-o! (Exit.)
DAZZLE. There I am - quartered for a couple of years at the
least. The old boy wants somebody to ride his horses, shoot
his game, and keep a restraint on the morals of the parish:
I'm eUgible. What a lucky accident to meet youi Courtly
last night! Who could have thought it? - [Yesterday, I
could not make certain of a dinner, except at my own
proper peril; today, I would flirt with a banquet.]
Enrer YOUNG courtly.
YOUNG COURTLY. What infernal row was that? Why, (Seeing
DAZZLE.) are you here still?
DAZZLE. Yes. Ain't you deUghted? I'll ring, and send the
servant for my luggage.
YOUNG COURTLY. The devil you will! Why, you don't mean
to say you seriously intend to take up a permanent residence
here? (He rings bell.)
DAZZLE. Now, that's a most inhospitable insinuation.
YOUNG COURTLY. Might I ask your name?
DAZZLE. With a deal of pleasure - Richard Dazzle, late of the
Unattached Volimteers, vulgarly entitled the Dirty Buffs.
Enter martin.
YOUNG COURTLY. Then, Mr Richard Dazzle, I have the
honour of wishing you a very good morning. Martin, show
this gentleman the door.
DAZZLE. If he does, I'll kick Martin out of it. - No offence.
(Exit MARTIN.) Now, sir, permit me to place a dioramic
view of yovir conduct before you. After bringing you safely
home this morning - after indulgently waiting, whenever
you took a passing fancy to a knocker or bell-pull - after
conducting a retreat that would have [reflected honour on]
Napoleon - you would kick me into the street, like a mangy
cur; and that's what you call gratitude. Now, to show you
how superior I am to petty malice, I give you an unlimited
invitation to my house - my country house - to remain as
long as you please.
YOUNG COURTLY. Your house!
DAZZLE. Oak Hall, Gloucestershire, - fine old place - for
further particulars see the roadbook; that is, it nominally
belongs to my old friend and relation. Max Harkaway; but
I'm privileged. Capital old fellow - say, shall we be
honoured?
YOUNG COURTLY. Sir, permit me to hesitate a moment.
done credit to
Insert : Siddingham,
Enter COOL.
COOL. Mr Charles - Sir Harcourt's toilet is reaching its height.
He's bound to ask for you presently. Will you kindly change
your trousers.
YOUNG COURTLY. Keep him at it. Cool. (Exit cool.) I'm
pondering. Let me see. I go back to Oxford tomorrow. So I
shall not be missed here. Tradesmen begin to clamour. And
there's a vixen in Curzon Street. . . . (Enter MARTIN.)
MARTIN. Mr Solomon Isaacs is in the hall and swears he will
remain till he has arrested you.
YOUNG COURTLY. Damn me. That's awkward.
DAZZLE. Send him your compliments and lay him five to one he
wiU not.
YOUNG COURTLY. No. (Enter cool.)
Ah - Cool. Mr Isaacs lays siege to me.
COOL. I know, sir. One of many if I may say so.
young COURTLY. What would you do in my shoes. Cool?
COOL. In your shoes, sir? In your shoes I should find a friend
with a castle and a moat and go into exile.
[{Aside.) Let me see - I go back to college tomorrow, so I
shall not be missing; tradesmen begin to dun -
Enter COOL.
I hear thmider; here is shelter ready for me.
COOL. Oh, Mr Charles. Mr Solomon Isaacs is in the hall, and
swears he will remain till he has arrested you!
YOUNG COURTLY. Does he! - sorry he is so obstinate - take
him my compliments, and I will bet him five to one he will
not.
DAZZLE. Double or quits, with my kind regards.
COOL. But, sir, he has discovered the house in Curzon Street,
he says he is aware the furniture, at least, belongs to you, and
he will put a man in immediately.
SIR HARCOURT (,off). Cool?
COOL. Coming, sir. (To young courtly.) You want my
advice? Through the stables, down the mews, take a room at
the Bull and wait. I'll send your things after you.
YOUNG COURTLY. God bless you. Cool. (Exit cooL.)
MARTIN. And Air Isaacs, sir?
YOUNG COURTLY. Tell Air Isaacs to go jump in the river.
DAZZLE. But quietly. (Exit martin.)
YOUNG COURTLY. Air Dazzle. In reply to your most generous
and kind invitation, I shall feel delighted to accept it.
DAZZLE. Splendid.
SIR HARCOURT (off). Cool!
COOL (off). Have patience, sir!
MARTIN (off). Air Isaacs. No, sir, please.
YOUNG COVRTLY and DAZZT.E exeunt fast.
COOL enters and closes the door on the fleeing men.
MR ISAACS enters by another door at speed.
COOL. Good morning. Air Isaacs.
MR ISAACS. Now see here. I take a joke. I am a humorous man.
I have a little boy of my own like Air Courtly is son to some-
body. But tell him - when I see him safe in Newgate, I am
happy.
COOL. Thank you, Mr Isaacs. Should I see the rash young man,
I will warn him.
Exit MR ISAACS at high speed. Exit cool.
YOUNG COURTLY. That's awkward - what's to be done?
DAZZLE. Ask him whether he couldn't make it a woman.
YOUNG COURTLY. I must trust that to fate.
DAZZLE. I will give you my acceptance if it will be of any use
to you; it is of none to me.
YOUNG COURTLY. No, sir; but in reply to your most generous
and kind invitation, if you be in earnest, I shall feel delighted
to accept it.
DAZZLE. Certainly.
YOUNG COURTLY. Then off we go - through the stables -
down the mews, and so slip through my friend's fingers.
DAZZLE. But, stay, you must do the polite; say farewell to him
before you part. Damn it, don't cut him!
YOUNG COURTLY. YoU jeSt!
DAZZLE . Here, lend me a card, {covrtly gives him one.) Now,
then. {Writes.) 'Our respects to Mr Isaacs - sorry to have
been prevented from seeing him.' - Ha! ha!
YOUNG COURTLY. Ha! ha!
DAZZLE. We'll send him up some game.
YOUNG COURTLY {to COOL). Don't let my father see him.
(Exeunt.)
COOL. What's this? - 'Mr Charles Courtly, P.P.C, returns
thanks for obliging inquiries.' {Exit.)]
The lawn before Oak Hall, a fine Elizabethan Mansion; a
drawing-room is seen through large French windows at the back.
Statues, urns, and garden chairs about the stage.
Enter PERT [and james.]
'[pert. James. Miss Grace desires me to request that you will
watch at the avenue, and let her know when the squire's
carriage is seen on the London road.
JAMES. I will go to the lodge. {Exit.)'
PERT. How I do long to see what kind of a man Sir Harcourt
Courtly is! They say he is sixty; so he must be old, and
consequently ugly. If I was Miss Grace, I would rather give
up all my fortune and marry the man I liked, than go to
church with a stuflfed eel-skin. But taste is everything, - she
doesn't seem to care whether he is sixty or sixteen; jokes at
love; prepares for matrimony as she would for dinner; [says
it is a necessary evil, and what can't be cured must be
endured.] Now, I say this is against all nature; and she is
either no woman, or a deeper one than I am, if she prefers an
old man to a yoimg one.'' [Here she comes ! looking as cheer-
### SCENE 2
JAMES IS decorating a wheelbarrow with flowers.
PERT . James, I thought Miss Grace desired you to watch at the
lodge for the sqiaire's carriage to happen on the London road.
JAMES. You thought aright. And Miss Grace gave me further
permission to decorate aforehand.
EXIt JAMES with wheelbarrow.
Enter GRACE from the drawing-room.
GRACE. Well, Pert? any sign of the squire yet?
PERT. No, Miss Grace; but James has gone to watch the
road.
GRACE. In my uncle's letter he mentions a Mr Dazzle, whom
he has invited; so you must prepare a room for him. He is
some friend of my husband that is to be, and my uncle
seems to have taken an extraordinary predilection for him.
Apropos ! I must not forget to have a [bouquet] for the dear
old man when he arrives.
[PERT. The dear old man! Do you mean Sir Harcourt?
GRACE. Law! no, my uncle, of course. {Plucking flowers.) What
do I care for Sir Harcourt Courtly?]
PERT. Isn't it odd. Miss, you have never seen your intended,
[though it has been so long since you were betrothed?]*
GRACE. Not at all; marriage matters are conducted nowadays
in a most mercantile manner; consequently a previous
acquaintance is by no means indispensable. Besides, my
prescribed husband has been upon the continent for the
benefit of his - property! They say a southern clime is a
great restorer of consumptive estates.
PERT. '[Well, Miss, for my own part, I should like to have a
good look at my bargain before I paid for it; 'specially when
one's life is the price of the article.] But why, ma'am, do you
consent to marry in this blind-man's-buff sort of manner?
What would you think if he were not quite so old?
GRACE. I should think he was a little yoxmger.
Insert : tell Mrs Howton to
flower
'pert. The dear old man! Oh madam, how could you?
GRACE. My uncle is the dear old man - whereas Sir Harcourt
Courtly has yet to prove himself.
' Well, Miss, for my own part, I like to look at my article before I
buy it. It's the only way to be sure of a bargain.
l
PERT. Well, I should like him all the better.
GRACE. That wouldn't I. A young husband might expect
affection and nonsense, which 'twould be deceit in me to
render; nor would he permit me to remain with my uncle. -
Sir Harcourt takes me with the incumbrances on his estate,
and I shall beg to be left among the rest of the livestock.
PERT. Ah, Aiiss! but some day you might chance to stiunble
over the man, - what could you do then?
GRACE. Do! beg the man's pardon, and request the man to pick
me up again.
PERT. Ah! you were never in love. Miss?
GRACE. I never was, nor will be, till I am tired of myself and
common sense. Love is a pleasant scape-goat for a Uttle
epidemic madness. I must have been inoculated in my
infancy, for the infection passes over poor me in contempt.
Enter JAMES.
JAMES. Two gentlemen, Miss Grace, have just alighted.
GRACE. Very well, James. (Exit james.) [Love is pictured as
a boy; in another century they will be wiser, and paint him
as a fool, with a cap and bells, without a thought above the
jingling of his own folly. Now, Pert, remember this as a
maxim, - A woman is always in love with one of two things.
PERT. What are they. Miss?
GRACE. A man, or herself - and I know which is the most
profitable. (Exit.)
PERT . I wonder what my Jenks would say, if I was to ask him.
Law! here comes Mr Meddle, his rival, contemporary
Insert : young.
PERT. Do you feel nothing stirring. Miss?
GRACE. I feel the wind on my cheek, the stinging nettle at my
ankle and the scent of flowers round my nose. What more
should I feel?
Exit GRACE.
PERT. That's books for you. Oh Jenks, take care. There's books
on your dear little shelves as well. (Cows low.)
Law! Here comes Mr Meddle, his rival at law and deadliest
enemy. At the gallop too. Now what brings him here?
She retires.
Enter meddle, with a newspaper.
MEDDLE. I have secured the only newspaper in the village my
character as an attorney-at-law depended on the monopoly
of its information. - I took it up by chance when this para-
graph met my astonished view: {Reads.) 'We understand
that the contract of marriage so long in abeyance on account
of the lady's minority, is about to be celebrated, at Oak Hall,
Gloucestershire, the well-known and magnificent mansion
of Maxmilian Harkaway, Esq., between Sir Harcourt
Courtly, Baronet, of fashionable celebrity, and Miss Grace
Harkaway, niece to the said Mr Harkaway. The preparations
are proceeding on the good old Enghsh style.' Is it possible!
I seldom swear, except in a witness box, but damme, had it
been known in the village, my reputation would have been
lost; my voice in the parlour of the Red Lion mute, and
Jenks, a fellow who calls himself a lawyer, without more
capability than a broomstick, and as much impudence as a
young barrister, after getting a verdict, by mistake; why, he
would actually have taken the Reverend Mr Spout by the
button, which is now my sole privilege. Ah! here is Mrs
Pert; [couldn't have hit upon a better person.] I'll cross-
examine her - [Lady's maid to Miss Grace, confidential
purloiner of second-hand silk - a nisi prius of her mistress -
Ah! sits on the woolsack in the pantry, and dictates the laws
of kitchen etiquette. -] Ah! Mrs Pert, good morning;
permit me to say, - and my word as a legal character is not
unduly considered - I venture to affirm, that you look a -
quite like the - a -
Insert : before Jenks got his thieving hands on it.
Insert : and got himself the drawing up of the contract
Have you read the paper, madam?
PERT. No.
MEDDLE. Floods in Norfolk. Her Majesty gone mad again and
vulgar disorders at Lambeth Palace.
[pert. Law! Mr Meddle.
MEDDLE. Exactly like the Law.
PERT. Ha! indeed; complimentary, I confess; like the law;
tedious, prosy, made up of musty paper. You shan't have a
long suit of me. Good morning! {Going.)
MEDDLE. Stay, Mrs Pert; don't calumniate my calling, or
disseminate vulgar prejudices.]
PERT. Vulgar! you talk of vulgarity to me! you, [whose sole
employment is to sneak] about like a pig, snouting out the
dust-hole of society, and feeding upon the bad ends of vice!
you, [who live upon the world's iniquity;] you miserable
specimen of a bad six-and-eightpence!
MEDDLE. But, Mrs Pert -
PERT. Don't but me, sir; I won't be butted by any such [low
fellow.]
MEDDLE. This is slaudct; an action will lie.
[PERT. Let it he; lying is yom: trade. I'll tell you what, Mr
Meddle; If I had my will, I would soon put a check on your
prying propensities. I'd treat you as the farmers do the
inquisitive hogs.
MEDDLE. How?
PERT. I would ring your nose.] {Exit.)
MEDDLE. Not much information elicited from that witness.
Jenks is at the bottom of this. I have very little hesitation in
saying, Jenks is a libellous rascal; I heard reports that he was
imdermining my character here, through Mrs Pert. Now I'm
certain of it. Assault is expensive; but I certainly will put by
a small weekly stipendium, until I can afford to kick Jenks.
DAZZLE {outside). Come along; this way!
M E D D L E . Ah ! whom have we here ? Visitors ; I'll address them.
who sneak
old ram.
' PERT (seizing and tearing up his paper and notepad). And this is
theft. And this is violation of property. And this is defacing a
gentleman's garden. And this is the spreading of good news.
If you take my advice, Mr Meddle, you'll collect up your
snivelling litter and shift to another sty.
Enter dazzle.
DAZZLE. Who's this, I wonder; one of the family? I must know
him. (To MEDDLE.) Ah! how are ye?
MEDDLE. Quite well. Just arrived? - ah! - um! - Might I
request the honour of knowing whom I address?
DAZZLE. Richard Dazzle, Esquire; and you -
MEDDLE. Mark Meddle, Attorney-at-law.
Enter YOViJG courtly.
DAZZLE. What detained you?
young courtly. My dear fellow, I have just seen such a
woman!
DAZZLE {aside)? [Hush!] {Aloud.) Permit me to introduce you
to my very old friend. Meddle. He's a capital fellow; know
him.
MEDDLE. I feel honoured. Who is your friend?
DAZZLE, Oh, he? What, my friend? Oh! Augustus Hamil-
ton.
YOUNG courtly. How d'ye do? {Looking off.) There she is
again!
■-[MEDDLE {looking off). Why, that is Miss Grace.
DAZZLE. Of course, Grace.]
young courtly. I'll go and introduce myself.
DAZZLE stops him.
DAZZLE {aside). What are you about? would you insult my old
friend. Puddle, by running away? {Aloud.) I say. Puddle,
just show my friend the lions, while I say how d'ye do to
Insert: preceded by JAMES and his wheelbarrow loaded with
luggage. JAMES crosses the stage.
Insert :
DAZZLE. Not the Mark Meddle?
MEDDLE . Well, sir, I wouldn't swear to a monopoly of the name
but the only Mark Meddle hereabouts and not counting
Jenks the only attorney -
During this, JAMES re-crosses the stage and exits.
Manners !
DAZZLE. Of co\u:se, the divine Grace.
i.
my young friend, Grace. {Aside.) Cultivate his acquain-
tance.
{Exit - YOUNG COURTLY looks after him.)
MEDDLE. i[Mr Hamilton, might I take the Uberty?]
YOUNG COURTLY {looking off). Confound the fellow!
MEDDLE. Sir, what did you remark?
YOUNG COURTLY. She's gone! Oh, are you here still, Mr
Thingomerry Puddle?
MEDDLE. Meddle, sir. Meddle, in the list of attorneys.
YOUNG COURTLY. Well, Muddle, or Puddle, or whoever you
are, you are a bore.
MEDDLE {aside). How excessively odd! Mrs Pert said I was a
pig; now I'm a boar ! I wonder what they'll make of me next.
YOUNG COURTLY. Mr Thingamy, will you take a word of
advice?
MEDDLE. Feel honoured.
YOUNG COURTLY. Get OUt.
MEDDLE. Do you mean to - I don't understand.
YOUNG COURTLY. Delighted to quicken your apprehension.
You are an ass, Puddle.
MEDDLE, Ha! ha! another quadruped! Yes; beautiful -
{Aside.) I wish he'd call me something hbellous; but that
would be too much to expect - {Aloud.) Anything else?
YOUNG COURTLY. Somc miserable, pettifogging scotmdrel!
MEDDLE. Good! ha! ha!
YOUNG COURTLY. What do you mean by laughing at me?
MEDDLE. Ha! ha! ha! excellent! delicious!
YOUNG COURTLY. Mr - - are you ambitious of a kicking?
MEDDLE. Very, very - Go on - kick - go on.
YOUNG COURTLY {looking off). Here she comes! I'll speak to
her.
MEDDLE. But, sir - sir -
YOUNG COURTLY. Oh, go to the devil! {He runs off.)
MEDDLE. There's a chance lost - gone! I have no hesitation in
saying that, in another minute, I should have been kicked;
literally kicked - a legal luxury. Costs, damages, and actions
rose up hke sky-rockets in my aspiring soul. With golden
tails reaching to the infinity of my hopes, {Looking.) - they
are coming this way, Mr Hamilton in close conversation
with Lady Courtly that is to be. Crim. Con. - Courtly
versus Hamilton - damages problematical - Meddle, chief
witness for plaintiff; guinea a day - professional man! I'll
take down their conversation verbatim. {He retires behind a
bush.)
Enter GRACE, followed by YOUNG COURTLY.
GRACE. Perhaps you would follow your friend into the dining-
room; refreshment after your long journey must be requisite.
YOUNG COURTLY. Pardon me, madam; but the lovely garden
and the loveliness before me is better refreshment than I
could procure in any dining-room.
GRACE. Ha! Your company and compliments arrive together.
YOUNG COURTLY. I trust that a passing remark will not
spoil so welcome an introduction as this by offending
you.
GRACE. I am not certain that anything you could say would
offend me.
YOUNG COURTLY. I never meant -
GRACE. I thought not. In turn, pardon me, when I request you
will commence your visit with this piece of information: I
consider comphments impertinent, and sweetmeat language
fulsome.
YOUNG COURTLY. I would Condemn my tongue to a Pyth-
agorean silence if I thought it could attempt to flatter.
GRACE. It strikes me, sir, that you are a stray bee from the
hive of fashion; if so, reserve your honey for its proper cell.
[A truce to compliments] - You have just arrived /row? toim,
I apprehend.
YOUNG COURTLY. This moment I left mighty London, imder
the fever of a full season, groaning with the noisy pulse of
wealth and the giddy whirl of fashion. Enchanting, busy
London ! how have I prevailed on myself to desert you ! Next
week the new ballet comes out, - the week after comes
Ascot. - Oh!
GRACE. '[How agonizing must be the reflection.]
YOUNG COURTLY. Torture! Can you inform me how you
manage to avoid suicide here? If there was but an opera
even within twenty miles ! We couldn't get up a rustic ballet
among the village girls? No? - ah!
GRACE. I am afraid you would find that difficult. How I
contrive to support life I don't know - it is wonderful - but
I have not precisely contemplated suicide yet, nor do I miss
the opera.
YOUNG COURTLY. How Can you manage to kill time?
GRACE. I can't. Men talk of killing time, while time quietly
kills them. I have many employments - this week I devote
to study and various amusements - next week to being
married - the following week to repentance, perhaps.
YOUNG COURTLY. Married!
GRACE. You seem surprised; I believe it is of frequent
occurrence in the metropolis. - Is it not?
YOUNG COURTLY. Might I ask to whom?
GRACE. A gentleman who has been strongly recommended to
me for the situation of husband.
[young COURTLY. What an extraordinary match! Would
you not consider it advisable to see him, previous to incur-
ring the consequences of such an act?
GRACE. You must be aware that fashion says otherwise. The
gentleman swears eternal devotion to the lady's fortune, and
the lady swears she will outvie him still. My Lord's horses,
and my lady's diamonds, shine through a few seasons, until a
seat in Parliament, or the continent, stares them in the face;
' It must hiirt to think about it.
YOUNG COURTLY. Recommended? Would you not consider it
advisable to see him first?
GRACE. See him? No, sir. I might be led to dispute the con-
ditions of the sale.
YOUNG COURTLY. Sale! No! that would be degrading
civilization into a Turkish barbarity.
GRACE. Worse, sir, a great deal worse; [for there at least they
do not attempt concealment of the barter]; but here, every
London ball-room is a marriage mart - yoimg ladies are
trotted out, while the mother, father, or chaperone plays
auctioneer, and knocks them down to the highest bidder, -
yoimg men are ticketed up with their fortunes on their
backs, - and Love, turned into a dapper showman, descants
on the excellent qualities of the material.
[young courtly. Oh! that such a custom could have ever
emanated from the healthy soil of an English heart!
grace. No. It never did - like most of our literary dandyisms
and dandy literature, it was borrowed from the French.
young courtly. You seem to laugh at love.
grace. Love! why, the very word is a breathing satire upon
a man's reason - a mania, indigenous to humanity - nature's
jester, who plays ofif tricks upon the world, and trips up
common sense. When I'm in love, I'll write an almanac, for
very lack of wit - prognosticate the sighing season - when
to beware of tears - about this time, expect matrimony to be
prevalent! Ha! ha! Why should I lay out my life in love's
bonds upon the bare security of a man's word?]
For the Turks at least do not attempt concealment of the
barter.
young courtly. Oh! That such a custom could have ever
sprung from the healthy soil of England.
grace. It didn't. It was borrowed from the French.
young courtly. You seem to laugh at love.
grace. Love! why the very word is a breathing satire upon a
man's reason. When I'm in love, I'U write a penny almanac
for lovesick ladies - how to prognosticate the sighing season -
when to beware of tears - about this time expect matrimony
to be prevalent! Why should I hazard my life upon the bare
security of a man's word?
[Enter JAMES.
JAMES. The squire, madam, has just arrived, and another
gentleman with him.
GRACE (aside). My intended, I suppose. (Exit james.)]
YOUNG COURTLY. I perceive you are one of the railers against
what is termed the foUies of high life.
GRACE. [No, not particularly; I deprecate all folly. By what
prerogative can the west-end mint issue absurdity, which, if
coined in the east, would be voted vulgar?]
YOUNG COURTLY. By a sovereign right - because it has
Fashion's head upon its side, and that stamps it current.
'[GRACE . Poor Fashion, for how many sins has thou to answer !
The gambler pawns his birth-right for fashion - the roue
steals his friend's wife for fashion - each abandons himself
to the storm of impulse, calling it the breeze of fashion.
YOUNG COURTLY. Is this idol of the world so radically
vicious?
GRACE. No; the root is well enough, as the body was, until it
had outgrown its native soil; but now], like a mighty giant
lying over Europe, it pillows its head in Italy, its heart in
France, leaving the heels alone its sole support for England.
[young COURTLY. Pardon me, madam, you wrong yourself
to rail against your own inheritance - the kingdom to which
loveliness and wit attest your title.
GRACE. A mighty realm, forsooth, - with milliners for
ministers, a cabinet of coxcombs, envy for my homage, ruin
for my revenue - my right of rule depending on the shape of
a boimet or the sit of a pelisse, with the next grand noddle as
my heir-apparent. Mr Hamilton, when I am crowned, I shall
feel happy to abdicate in your favour.] (Curtseys and exit.)
Enter PERT.
PERT. They're here, madam. Oh, madam, they're here.
GRACE. Thanl you. Pert. (ExifPERT.)
No, not high life particularly; I deplore all folly. By what
prerogative can the West End mint issue absurdity, which, if
coined in the East, would be reckoned vulgar?
GRACE. Poor fashion! It has outgrown its native soil and now
YOUNG COURTLY. What did she mean by that?] Hang me if
I can understand her - she is evidently not used to society.
Ha ! - [takes every word I say for infallible truth] - requires
the solution of a compliment, as if it were a problem in
Euclid. She said she was about to marry, but I rather
imagine she was in jest. ['Pon my life, I feel very queer at
the contemplation of such an idea - I'll follow her.]
(meddle comes down.) Oh! perhaps this booby can inform
me something about her. (meddle makes signs at him.)
What the devil is he at!
MEDDLE. It won't do - no - ah! um - it's not to be done.
YOUNG COURTLY. What do you mean?
MEDDLE (points after grace). Counsel retained - cause to
come off!
YOUNG courtly. Cause to come oflF!
MEDDLE. Miss Grace is about to be married.
YOUNG COURTLY. Is it possible?
MEDDLE. Certainly. If / have the drawing out of the deeds -
YOUNG COURTLY. To whom?
MEDDLE. Ha! hem! Oh, yes! I dare say - Information being
scarce in the market, I hope to make mine valuable.
YOUNG COURTLY. Married! married!
MEDDLE. Now I shall have another chance.
YOUNG COURTLY. I'll ruu and ascertain the truth of this from
Dazzle. (Exit.)
MEDDLE. It's of no use: he either dare not kick me, or he can't
afford it - in either case, he is beneath my notice. Ah! who
comes here? - can it be Sir Harcourt Courtly himself? It
can be no other. (Enter COOL.) Sir, I have the honour to
bid you welcome to Oak Hall and the village of
[Oldborough.]*
COOL (aside.) Excessively polite. (Aloud.) - Sir, thank you.
MEDDLE. The township contains two thousand inhabitants.
What an enchanting little devil !
'Pen my life, I feel very queer at the contemplation of it.
Insert : preceded by JAMES with loaded barrow.
COOL. Does it! I am delighted to hear it.
MEDDLE {aside). I can charge him for that - ahem - six and
eightpence is not much - but it is a beginning. {Aloud.) If
you will permit me, I can inform you of the diflferent
commodities for which it is famous.
COOL. Much obliged - but here comes Sir Harcourt Courtly,
my master and Mr Harkaway - any other time I shall feel
delighted.
MEDDLE. Oh! {Aside.) Mistook the man for the master. [{He
retires up.)
Enter MAX and SIR harcourt.
MAX. Here we are at last. Now give ye welcome to Oak Hall,
Sir Harcourt, heartily!]
SIR HARCOURT {languidly). Cool, assist me.
COOL takes off his furred cloak and gloves; gives him white
gloves and a white handkerchief.
MAX. [Why, you require unpacking as carefully as my best bin
of port.] Well, [now you are decanted,] tell me, what did you
think of my park as we came along?
SIR HARCOURT. That it would never come to an end. You
said it was only a stone's throw from your infernal lodge to
the house; why, it's ten miles at least.
MAX. I'll do it in ten minutes any day.
SIR HARCOURT. Yes, in a steam carriage. Cool, perfiune my
handkerchief.
MAX. Don't do it. Don't! perfume in the country!' [why, it's
high treason in the very face of Nature] ; 'tis introducing the
robbed to the robber. Here are the sweets from which your
fulsome essences are pilfered, and libelled with their
names, - don't insult them, too.
SIR HARCOURT (ro meddle). Oh! cullmeabouquet,my man!
PERT awi JAMES run in and line up. meddie joins them.
MAX. Here we are at last. Now give ye welcome to Oak Hall, Sir
Harcourt, heartily! Fetch Miss Grace, Pert.
SIR HARCOURT. A moment, Max, for pity's sake.
Insert : - and all of it upward.
why, it's a slap in the very face of Nature.
MAX {turning). Ah, Meddle! how are you? This is Lawyer
Meddle.
SIR HARCOURT. Oh! I took him for one of your people.
MEDDLE. AhM [naturally] - urn - Sir Harcourt Courtly, I
have the honour to congratulate - happy occasion ap-
proaches. Ahem! I have no hesitation in saying this very
happy occasion approaches.
[siR HARCOURT. Cool, is the conversation addressed
towards me?
COOL. I beheve so. Sir Harcourt.
MEDDLE. Oh, certainly! I was complimenting you.
SIR HARCOURT. Sir, you are very good; the honour is im-
deserved; but I am only in the habit of receiving compli-
ments from the fair sex. Men's admiration is so damnably
insipid.
MEDDLE. I had hoped to make a unit on that occasion.
SIR HARCOURT. Yes, and you hoped to put an infernal
number of ciphers after your unit on that and any other
occasion.]
MEDDLE. Ha! ha! very good. Why, I did hope to have the
honour of drawing out the deeds ; for, whatever Jenks may
say to the contrary, I have no hesitation in saying -
SIR HARCOURT {putting him aside; to max). If the future Lady
Courtly be visible at so unfashionable an hour as this, I shall
beg to be introduced.
■-[max. Visible! Ever since six this morning, I'll warrant ye.
Two to one she is at dinner.
understandably
SIR HARCOURT. Cool, is this rhapsody addressed towards me?
COOL. I believe so. Sir Harcourt.
MEDDLE. The law presents its compliments.
SIR HARCOURT. Very civil of it.
Insert : on that occasion
■* max. Visible! Up since six this morning, I'll warrant ye. Two
to one she is busy with diimer.
SIR HARCOURT. Dinner! Is it possible anyone should dine at
half-past one p.m.?
MEDDLE. I rather prefer that hour to peck a little morsel -
SIR HARCOURT. Dinner! Is it possible? Lady Courtly dine at
half-past one P.M. !
MEDDLE. I rather prefer that hour to peck a little my -]
SIR HARCOURT. Dear me! who was addressing you?
MEDDLE. Oh! I beg pardon.
MAX. i[Here, James! {Calling; enter james.) Tell Miss Grace
to come here directly. (Sxir james.)] Now prepare, Courtly,
for, though I say it, she is - with the exception of my bay
mare, Kitty - the handsomest thing in the [coimtry]. Con-
sidering she is a biped, she is a wonder! Full of blood, sound
wind and limb, plenty of bone, sweet coat, in fine con-
dition, with a thoroughbred step, [as dainty as a pet grey-
hound.]
SIR HARCOURT. Damme, don't compare her to a horse!
MAX. Well, I wouldn't, but she's almost as fine a creature, -
close similarities.
MEDDLE. Oh, very fine creature! Close similarity amounting
to identity.
SIR HARCOURT. Good gracious, sir! What can a lawyer know
about women!
[meddle. Everjrthing. The consistorial court is a fine study
of the character, and I have no hesitation in sadng that I
have examined more women than Jenks, or -]
SIR HARCOURT. Oh, damn Jenks!
meddle. Sir, thank you. Damn him again, sir, damn him
again!
Enter GRACE.
GRACE. My dear uncle!
Pert, tell Aliss Grace to come here directly.
Exit PERT.
county.
meddle. Everything. The consistorial court is a fine study of
the character -
SIR HARCOURT. Am I the thing. Cool?
COOL. Quite the thing, sir.
meddle. - And I have no hesitation in saying that I have
examined more women than Jenks, or -
MAX. Ah, Grace, you little jade, come here.
SIR HARCOURT (eyeing her through his glass). Oh, dear! she is a
niral Venus ! I'm astonished and delighted.
MAX. Won't you kiss your old uncle? (He kisses her.)
SIR HARCOURT {draws an agonizing face). Oh! - ah - um! -
[N'importe!] - my privilege in embryo - [hem! It's very
tantalizing, though.]
MAX. You are not glad to see me, you are not. (Kissing her.)
SIR HARCOURT. Oh; no, no! (Aside.) That is too much. I
shall do something horrible presently, [if this goes on.]
(Aloud.) I should be sorry to curtail any little ebullition of
affection; but - ahem! May I be permitted?
MAX. Of course you may. There, Grace, is Sir Harcourt, your
husband that will be. Go to him, girl.
SIR HARCOURT. Permit me to do homage to the charms,
the presence of which have placed me in sight of Para-
dise.
SIR HARCOURT and GRACE retire. Enter dazzle.
DAZZLE. Ah! old fellow, how are you?
MAX. I'm glad to see you! Are you comfortably quartered, yet,
eh?
DAZZLE. Splendidly quartered! What a place you've got here!
Here, Hamilton. (Enter young courtly.) Permit me
to introduce my friend, Augustus Hamilton. (Aside.)
Capital fellow! drinks like a sieve, and rides like a thunder-
storm.
MAX. Sir, I'm devilish glad to see you. Here, Sir Harcourt,
permit me to introduce to you -
YOUNG courtly. The devil!
DAZZLE (aside). What's the matter?
YOUNG courtly (aside). Why, that is my governor, by
Jupiter!
DAZZLE (aside). What, old Whiskers? '[you don't say that!]
young courtly (aside). It is; what's to be done now?
MAX. Mr Hamilton, Sir Harcourt Courtly - [Sir Harcourt
Courtly,] Mr Hamilton.
you don't say so!
SIR HARCOURT. Hamilton! Good gracious! God bless me!
[young COURTLY (aside). What shall I do!]
MAX. Your son!
GRACE. Your son. Sir Harcourt! have you a son as old as that
gentleman!
SIR HARCOURT. No - that is - a - yes, - not by twenty years -
a - Charles, why don't you answer me, sir?
YOUNG COURTLY (aside to dazzle). What shall I say?
DAZZLE (aside). Deny your identity.
YOUNG COURTLY (aside). Capital! (Aloud.) [What's the
matter, sir?]
SIR HARCOURT. How Came you down here, sir?
YOUNG COURTLY. By ouc of Newmau's - best fours - in
twelve hoiurs and a quarter.
SIR HARCOURT. Isn't your name Charles Courtly?
YOUNG COURTLY. Not to my Isnowledge.
SIR HARCOURT. Do you mean to say that you are usually
called Augustus Hamilton?
YOUNG COURTLY. Lamentable fact - and quite correct.
SIR HARCOURT. Cool, is that my son?
COOL. No, sir - it is not Mr Charles - but is very like him.
MAX. I cannot understand all this.
GRACE (aside). I think I can.
DAZZLE (aside to YOUNG courtly). Give him a touch of the
indignant.
[young courtly. Allow me to say. Sir What-d'ye-call-'em
Hartly -]
SIR HARCOURT. Hartly, sir! Courtly, sir! Courtly!
YOUNG COURTLY. Well, Hartly, or ''[Courtheart] or whatever
your name may be, I say your conduct is - a - a -, and were it
/nserr.-Howdoyoudo? (sir harcourt turns back to grace;
then turns suddenly to young courtly.)
What's the matter with you, sir?
' Allow me to say. Sir What-d'ye-call 'em Carthorse Hartly.
dazzle. Sir, Workhouse Pardy.
not the for the presence of this lady, I should feel inclined -
to - to -
SIR HARCOURT. No, no, that can't be my son, - he never
would address me in that way.
MAX. What is all this?
SIR HARCOURT. Sir, youT likeness to my son Charles is so
astonishing, that it, for a moment - the equilibrium of my
etiquette - 'pon my life, I - permit me to request your
pardon.
MEDDLE {to SIR HARCOURT). Sir Harcourt, don't apologize,
don't - bring an action. I'm witness.
SIR HARCOURT. Someone take this man away.
[Enter james.
JAMES. Luncheon is on the table, sir.]
SIR HARCOURT. Miss Harkaway, I never swore before a lady
in my life - except when I promised to love and cherish the
late Lady Courtly, which I took care to preface with an
apology, - I was compelled to the ceremony, and con-
sequently not answerable for the language - but ''[to
that gentleman's identity I would have pledged - my
hair.
GRACE {aside). If that seciurity were called for, I suspect the
answer would be - no eflfects.] {Exeunt sir harcourt and
GRACE.)
MEDDLE {to max). I havc Something very particular to com-
municate.
MAX. Can't listen at present. {Exit.)
Insert: dazzle. Go it. Say you would kick him -
young courtly. To pimish your impertinence with a soimd
kicking.
MEDDLE. Kicking! Kicking!
" Insert: meddle. My dear madam, withdraw to oblige me. He
will kick somebody after all.
A Gong sounds.
GRACE. Luncheon is on the table. Will you come, sir?
GRACE. A year or two makes all the difference.
MEDDLE {to DAZZLE and YOUNG COURTLY). I Can afford you
information which I -
DAZZLE. Ohj don't bother !
YOUNG COURTLY. Go to the devil! {Exeunt.)
MEDDLE. Now, I have no hesitation in saying that is the height
of ingratitude. - Oh - Mr Cool - can you oblige me?
{Presents his account.)
COOL. Why, what is all this?
MEDDLE. Small accoimt versus you - to giving infonnation
concerning the last census of the population of [Oldborough]
and vicinity, six and eightpence.
COOL. Ohj you mean to make me pay for this, do you?
MEDDLE. Unconditionally.
COOL. Well, I have no objection - the charge is fair - but
remember, I am a servant on board wages, - will you throw
in a little advice gratis - if I give you the money?
MEDDLE. Ahem! - I will.
COOL. A fellow has insulted me. I want to abuse him - what
terms are actionable?
MEDDLE. You may call him anything you please, providing
there are no witnesses.
COOL. Oh, may I? {Looks round.) [- then you rascally, petti-
fogging scoundrel!]
MEDDLE. Hallo!
COOL. You mean - dirty - disgrace to your profession.
MEDDLE. Libel - slander -
COOL. Aye, but where are your witnesses?
MEDDLE. Give me the costs - six and eightpence.
COOL. I deny that you gave me information at all.
MEDDLE. You do!
COOL. Yes, where are your witnesses? {Exit.)
MEDDLE. Ah - damme!' {Exit.)
Siddingham
then you. Meddle, are a rascally pettifogging scoundrel!
Insert: (Shouts.) Londoner!
A morning-room in Oak Hall, French windows opening to the
lawn.
MAX and SIR HARCOURT seated together on one side,
DAZZLE on the other; grace and young courtly are
playing chess at back. All dressed for dinner.
MAX {aside to SIR harcourt). What can I do?
SIR harcourt. Get rid of them civilly.
MAX. What, turn them out, after I particularly invited them to
stay a month or two?
SIR harcourt. Why, they are disreputable characters; as
for that young fellow, in whom my Lady Courtly appears so
particularly absorbed, - I am bewildered - [I have written
to town for my Charles, my boy] - it certainly is the most
extraordinary likeness -
DAZZLE. Sir Harcourt, I have an idea -
SIR harcourt. Sir, I am delighted to hear it. - {Aside.) That
fellow is a swindler.
MAX. I met him at your house.
SIR HARCOURT. Never saw him before in all my life.
DAZZLE {crossing to sir harcourt). I will bet you five to one
that I can beat you three out of four games at billiards, with
one hand.
SIR harcourt. No, sir.
DAZZLE. I don't mind giving you ten points in fifty.
SIR HARCOURT. Sir, I never gamble.
I have sent for my boy Charles to come and face it out with
him.
DAZZLE. You don't ! Well, I'll teach you - easiest thing in life -
you have every requisite - good temper.
SIR HARCOURT. I have not, sir.
DAZZLE. A long-headed, knowing old buck.
SIR HARCOURT. Sir!
[They go up conversing zvith max.]
GRACE. Really, Mr Hamilton, you improve. - A yoimg man
pays us a visit, as you half intimate, to escape inconvenient
friends - that is complimentary to us, his hosts.
YOUNG COURTLY. Nay, that is too severe.
GRACE. After an acquaintanceship of two days, you sit down
to teach me chess, and domestic economy at the same time. -
Might I ask where you graduated in that science - where you
learned all that store of matrimonial advice which you have
obliged me with?
YOUNG COURTLY. I [inhibited] it, madam, from the moment
I beheld you, and having studied my subject con amore, took
my degrees from your eyes.
GRACE. Oh, I see you are a Master of Arts already.
YOUNG COURTLY. Unfortunately, no - I shall remain a
bachelor - till you can assist me to that honour, (sir
HARCOURT comes down - aside to DAZZLE.) Keep the old
boy away.
DAZZLE {aside). How do you get on?
YOUNG COURTLY (aside). Splendidly!
sir HARCOURT. Is the conversation strictly confidential? -
or might I join?
DAZZLE {takitig his arm). Oh, not in the least, my dear sir - we
were remarking that rifle shooting was an excellent diversion
during the summer months.
sir HARCOURT (drawing himself up). Sir, I was addressing -
DAZZLE. And I was saying what a pity it was I couldn't find
anyone reasonable enough to back his opinion with long
odds - come out on the lawn, and pitch up your hat, and I
will hold you ten to one I put a bullet into it every time, at
forty paces.
SIR HARCOURT. No, sir - I consider you -
[max. Here, all of you - look, here is Lady Gay Spanker
coming across the lawn at a hand gallop !
SIR HARCOURT {running to the window). Bless me, the horse is
running away!
MAX. Look how she takes that fence! there's a seat.]
SIR HARCOURT. Lady Gay Spanker - who may she be?
GRACE. Lady Gay Spanker, Sir Harcourt? My cousin and
dearest friend - you must like her.
SIR HARCOURT. It wiU be my devoir, since it is your wish -
though it will be a hard task in your presence.
GRACE. I am sure she will like you.
SIR HARCOURT. Hal ha! I flatter myself.
YOUNG COURTLY. Who, and what is she?
GRACE. Glee, glee made a living thing - Nature in some frolic
mood shut up a merry devil in her eye, and, spiting Art, stole
joy's brightest harmony to thrill her laugh, which peals out
sorrow's knell. Her cry rings loudest in the field - the very
echo loves it best, and, as each hill attempts to ape her voice,
earth seems to laugh that it made a thing so glad.
MAX. Ay, the merriest minx I ever kissed.
LADY GAY laughs without.
LADY GAY {without). Max!
MAX. Come in, you mischievous puss.
Enrer JAMES.
{A great whoop from MAX.)
SIR HARCOURT. My God! what in heaven's name is that?
MAX. There she goes. Across the lawn at a hand gallop. Here,
all of you. Look.
{They all move to the window.)
SIR HARCOURT. Bless me! The horse is running away.
DAZZLE. Who is it?
M AX . Lady Gay Spanker. Look how she takes that fence ! There's
a seat.
DAZZLE. Mind that gate. She's over.
JAMES. Mr Adolphus and Lady Gay Spanker.
Enter lady gay, fully equipped in riding habit, etc.
LADY GAY. Ha! ha! Well, Governor, how are ye? [I have been
down five times, dimbing up your stairs in my long clothes.]
How are you, Grace, dear? {Kisses her.) There, don't fidget.
Max. And there - {Kisses him.) - there's one for you.
SIR HARCOURT. Ahem!
LADY GAY. Oh, gracious, I didn't see you had visitors.
MAX. Permit me to introduce - Sir Harcourt Courtly, Lady
Gay Spanker. Mr Dazzle, Mr Hamilton - Lady Gay Spanker.
SIR HARCOURT {aside). A devilish fine woman!
DAZZLE (a«de to SIR harcourt). She's a deviUsh fine woman.
LADY gay. You mustn't think anything of the Uberties I take
with '[my old papa] here - bless him!
SIR harcourt. Oh, no! {Aside.) I only thought I should like
to be in his place.
LADY gay. I am so glad you have come. Sir Harcourt. Now
we shall be able to make a decent figure at the heels of a hunt.
SIR harcourt. Does your ladyship hunt?
LADY gay. Ha! I say. Governor, does my ladyship himt? I
rather flatter myself that I do himt! Why, Sir Harcourt, one
might as well live without laughing as without hunting. Man
was fashioned expressly to fit a horse. Are not hedges and
ditches created for leaps? Of course! And I look upon foxes
to be [one of] the most blessed dispensation[s] of a benign
Providence.
SIR harcourt. Yes, it is all very well in the abstract: I tried
it once.
LADY GAY. Once! Only once?
SIR HARCOURT. Once, only once. And then the animal ran
away with me.
LADY GAY. Why, you would not have him walk!
SIR HARCOURT. Finding my society disagreeable, he insti-
tuted a series of kicks, with a view to removing the annoy-
old grandad
ance; but aided by the united stays of the mane and tail, I
frustrated his intentions. His next resource, however, was
more effectual, for he succeeded in rubbing me off against a
tree.
MAX and LADY GAY. Ha! ha! ha!
DAZZLE . How absurd you must have looked with your legs and
arms in the air, like a shipwrecked tea-table.
[siR HARCOURT. I never looked absurd in my life. Ah, it
siR HARCOURT. Sir, I never looked absurd in my life. Ah, it
may be very amusing in relation, I dare say, but very impleasant
in effect.
LADY GAY. I pity you. Sir Harcourt: it was criminal in your
parents to neglect your education so shamefully.
SIR HARCOURT. Possibly; but be assured I shall never break
my neck awkwardly from a horse, when it might be accom-
plished with less trouble from a bedroom window.
YOUNG COURTLY (aside). My dad will be run to ground by this
huntress.
MAX (to SIR HARCOURT). You must leave your town habits in
the smoke of London; here we rise with the lark.
SIR HARCOURT. Haven't the remotest conception when that is.
GRACE. The man that misses sunrise loses the sweetest part of
the day.
SIR HARCOURT. Oh, pardon me; I have seen simrise frequently
after a ball, or from the window of my travelling carriage, and
I always considered it disagreeable.
GRACE. I love to watch the first tear that glistens in the opening
eye of morning, the silent song the flowers breathe, the thrilly
choir of the woodland minstrels, to which the modest brook
trickles applause; - these, swelling out the sweetest chord of
sweet creation's matins, seem to pour some soft and merry
tale into the daylight's ear, as if the waking world had dreamed
a happy thing, and now smiled o'er the telling of it.
SIR HARCOURT. The effect of a rustic education! Who could
ever discover music in a damp foggy morning, except those
confoimded waits, who never play in tune, and a miserable
wretch who makes a point of crying coffee under my window
just as I am persuading myself to sleep; in fact, I never heard
any music worth listening to, except in Italy.
may be very amusing in relation, I dare say, but very
unpleasant in effect.
LADY GAY. I pity you. Sir Harcourt: it was criminal in your
parents to neglect your education so shamefully.
LADY GAY. No? then you never heard a vell-trained Enghsh
pack, full cry.
SIR HARCOURT. Full cry!
LADY GAY. Aye! there is harmony, if you will. Give me the
trumpet-neigh; the spotted pack just catching scent. Their
yelp - What a chorus ! The view-hallo, blent with a peal of free
and fearless mirth! That's our old Enghsh music, - match it
where you can.
SIR HARCOURT (aside). I must see about Lady Gay Spanker.
DAZZLE (aside to SIR harcourt). Ah, would you -
MAX. Ah! Sir Harcourt, had you been here a month ago, you
would have witoessed the most glorious run that ever swept
over merry England's green cheek - a steeple-chase, sir, which
I intended to win, but my horse threw me the day before. I
had a chance, notwithstanding, and but for Gay here, I
should have won. How I regretted my absence from it! How
did my filly behave herself. Gay?
LADY GAY. Gloriously, Max! gloriously! There were sixty
horses in the field, all metde to the bone: the start was a
picture - away we went in a cloud - pell-mell - helter-skelter -
the fools first, as usual, using themselves up - we soon passed
them - first your Kitty, then my Blueskin, and Craven's colt
last. Then came the tug - Kitty skimmed the walls - Blueskin
flew o'er the fences - the Colt neck and neck, and half a mile to
run - at last the Colt baulked a leap and went wild. Kitty and I
had it all to ourselves - she was three lengths ahead as we breasted
the last wall, six feet, if an inch, and a ditch on the other
side. Now, for the first time, I gave Blueskin his head - Ha !
Ha! - Away he flew like a thunderbolt - over went the filly
steeple, eight miles in thirty minutes, and scarcely turned a hair.
ALL. Bravo! Bravo!
LADY GAY. Do you himt?
DAZZLE. Hunt! I belong to a hunting family. I was born on
horseback and cradled in a kennel ! Aye, and I hope I may die
with a whoo-whoop !
SIR HARCOURT. Possibly; but be assured I shall never break
my neck awkwardly from a horse, when it might be accom-
plished with less trouble from a bedroom window.
YOUNG COURTLY (aside). My dad will be caught by this she-
Bucephalus tamer.
MAX. .' Sir Harcourt, had you been here a month ago, you
would have witnessed the most glorious nm that ever swept
over merry England's green cheek - a steeple-chase, sir,
which I intended to win, but my horse broke down the day
before. I had a chance, notwithstanding, and but for Gay
here, I should have won. How I regretted my absence from
it! How did my filly behave herself. Gay?
LADY GAY. Gloriously, Max! gloriously! There were sixty
horses in the field, all mettle to the bone: the start was a
picture - away we went in a cloud - pell-mell - helter-
skelter - the fools first, as usual, using themselves up - we
soon passed them - first your Kitty, then my Blueskin, and
Craven's colt last. Then came the tug - Kitty skimmed the
walls - Blueskin flew o'er the fences - the Colt neck and
neck, and half a mile to nm - at last the Colt baulked a leap
and went wild. Kitty and I had it all to ourselves - she was
three lengths ahead as we breasted the last wall, six feet, if
an inch, and a ditch on the other side. Now, for the first time,
I gave Blueskin his head - Ha! Ha! - Away he flew like a
thunderbolt - over went the filly - I over the same spot,
leaving Kitty in the ditch - walked the steeple, eight miles in
thirty minutes, and scarcely turned a hair.
ALL. Bravo! Bravo!
LADY GAY. Do you hunt?
DAZZLE. Hunt! I belong to a hunting family. I was born on
horseback and cradled in a kennel! Aye, and I hope I may
die with a whoo-whoop!]
MAX (to SIR harcourt). You must leave your town habits in
the smoke of London; here we rise with the lark.
sir harcourt. Haven't the remotest conception when that
period is.
GRACE. The man that misses sunrise loses the sweetest part of
his existence.
SIR HARCOURT. Oh, pardon me; I have seen sunrise fre-
quently after a ball, or from the window of my travelling
carriage, and I always considered it disagreeable.
GRACE. I love to watch the first tear that gUstens in the opening
eye of morning, the silent song the flowers breathe, the
thrilly choir of the woodland minstrels, to which the modest
brook trickles applause; - these, swelling out the sweetest
chord of sweet creation's matins, seem to pour some soft
and merry tale into the dayUght's ear, as if the waking world
had dreamed a happy thing, and now smiled o'er the telling
of it.
SIR HARCOURT. The effect of a rustic education! Who could
ever discover music in a damp foggy morning, except
those confounded waits, who never play in tune, and a
miserable wretch who makes a point of crying coffee under
my window just as I am persuading myself to sleep; in
fact, I never heard any music worth hstening to, except in
Italy.
LADY GAY. No? then you never heard a well-trained English
pack, full cry.
SIR HARCOURT. Full cry!
LADY GAY. Aye! there is harmony, if you will. Give me the
trumpet-neigh; the spotted pack just catching scent. What
a chorus in their yelp ! The view-hallo, blent with a peal of
free and fearless mirth! That's our old EngUsh music, -
match it where you can.
SIR HARCOURT (aside). I must see about Lady Gay Spanker.
DAZZLE {aside to sir harcourt). Ah, would you -
LADY gay! [Time then appears as yoimg as love, and plvmies
as swift a wing.] Away we go! [The earth flies back to aid
our course!] Horse, man, hound, earth, heaven! - all - all -
one piece of glowing ecstasy! Then I love the world, myself,
and every Uving thing, - [a jocund soul cries out for very
glee, as it could wish that all creation had but one mouth that
I might kiss it!]
- and I coiild wish that all creation had but one mouth that I
might kiss it !
SIR HARCOURT (aside). I wish I was the mouth!
MAX. Why, we will regenerate you, baronet. But Gay, where
is your husband? - Where is Adolphus!
LADY GAY. Bless me, where is my Dolly?
SIR HARCOURT. You are married, then?
LADY GAY. I have a husband somewhere, though I can't find
him just now. Dolly, dear! (Aside to max.) Governor, at
home I always whistle when I want him.
Enter spanker.
SPANKER. [Here I am,] - did you call me. Gay?
SIR HARCOURT (eyeing him). Is that your husband?
LADY GAY (oside). Yes, bless his stupid face, that's my Dolly.
MAX. Permit me to introduce you to Sir Harcourt Courtly.
SPANKER. How d'ye do? I - ah! -um! [(Appears frightened.)]
LADY GAY. Delighted to have the honour of making the
acquaintance of a gentleman so highly celebrated in the
world of fashion.
SPANKER. Oh, yes, delighted, I'm sure - quite - very, so
delighted - delighted!
[Gets quite confused, draws on his glove, and tears it.}
LADY GAY. Where have you been, Dolly?
SPANKER. Oh, ah, I was just outside.
MAX. Why did you not come in?
SPANKER, I'm sure I didn't - I don't exactly know, but I
thought as - perhaps - I can't remember.
DAZZLE . Shall we have the pleasure of your company to dinner?
SPANKER. I always dine -usually -that is, unless Gay remains.
■-[lady GAY. Stay dinner, of course; we came on purpose to
stop three or four days.
Insert: dazzle. Ay. We'll regenerate you.
He slaps sir harcourt on the back.
(He falls into a reverie.)
Insert /lady gay. He needs to put his feet up. He gets excited
sitting in the carriage and watching me take the fences.
stop three or fovu: days, tell him.
GRACE, Will you excuse my absence. Gay?
MAX. What! what! Where are you going? What takes you
away?
GRACE. We must postpone the dinner till Gay is dressed.
MAX. Oh, never mind, - stay where you are.
GRACE. No, I must go.
MAX. I say you shan't! I will be king in my own house.
GRACE. Do, my dear uncle; - you shall be king, and I'll be
your prime minister, - that is, I will rule, and you shall have
the honour of taking the consequences.
Exit.
LADY GAY. Well said, Grace; have your own way; it is the
only thing we women ought to be allowed.
MAX. Ck)me, Gay, dress for dinner.]
SIR HARCOURT. Permit me. Lady Gay Spanker.
LADY GAY. With pleasure, - what do you want?
[siR HARCOURT. To escort you.
LADY GAY. Oh, never mind, I can escort myself, thank you,
and Dolly too; - come, dear!]
Exit.
SIR HARCOURT. To show you the way.
LADY GAY. Oh, I know the way, thank you.
MR SPANKER does not reply.
GRACE. Will you excuse my absence, imcle?
MAX. What! Where are you going? What takes you away?
GRACE. We must postpone dinner till Mr Spanker is rested.
MAX. Nonsense. I never saw a man so spry and eager.
GRACE. This way, Mr Spanker.
MAX. Hold your groxmd. Spanker. I will be king in my own
house.
GRACE. And I'll be your prime minister. So I wiU rule and you
shall have the honour of taking the consequences.
LADY GAY. Go with Grace, DoUy darling, and take yoiir pumps
off. I'll be along presently.
Exeunt SPANKER and grace.
MAX. Very well, ladies. Have your own way.
LADY GAY. If that's understood, I'll dress for dinner.
SIR HARCOURT. Au revoir!
[spanker. Ah, thank you!
Exit awkwardly.
SIR HARCOURT. What an ill-assorted pair!
MAX. Not a bit! She married him for freedom, and she has it;
he married her for protection, and he has it.
SIR HARCOURT. How he ever summoned courage to propose
to her, I can't guess.
MAX. [Bless you, he never did. She proposed to him! She says
he would, if he could; but as he couldn't, she did for him.]
Exeunt, laughing.
Enter cool with a letter.
COOL. Mr Charles, I have been watching to find you alone.
Sir Harcourt has written [to town for you.]
YOUNG COURTLY. The devil he has!
COOL. He expects you[down] tomorrow evening.
DAZZLE. Oh! he'll be punctual. A thought strikes me.
YOUNG COURTLY. Pooh! Confound your thoughts! I can
think of nothing but the idea of leaving Grace, at the very
moment when I had established the most -
DAZZLE. What if I can prevent her marriage with your
Governor?
YOUNG COURTLY. Impossible!
DAZZLE. He's pluming himself for the conquest of Lady Gay
Spanker, It will not be difficult to make him believe she
accedes to his suit. And if she would but join in the plan ---
■-[young COURTLY. I See it all. And do you think she would?
DAZZLE. I mistake my game if she would not.]
COOL. Here comes Sir Harcourt!
DAZZLE. I'll begin with him. Retire, and watch how I'll open
the campaign for you.
Bless you, he didn't propose. She did. She said he would if he
could; but, as he couldn't, she did it for him.
to you in town,
here
■* YOUNG COURTLY. Oh no . . . Do you think she would?
DAZZLE. If she's the game bird I take her for - yes.
YOUNG COURTLY and COOL retire.
Enter SIR HARCOURT.
SIR HARCOURT. Here is that cursed fellow again.
DAZZLE. Ah, my dear old friend!
SIR HARCOURT. Mr Dazzle.
DAZZLE. I have a secret of importance to disclose to you. Are
you a man of honour? Hush! don't speak; you are. It is with
the greatest pain I am compelled to request you, as a
gentleman, that you will shun studiously the society of Lady
Gay Spanker!
SIR HARCOURT. Good gracious! [Wherefore, and by what
right, do you make such a demand?]
DAZZLE. Why, I am distantly related to the Spankers.
SIR HARCOURT. Why, damme, sir, if you don't appear to be
related to every family in Great Britain!
D AZZLE . A good many of the nobiUty claim me as a connection.
But, to return - she is much struck with your address;
evidently, she laid herself out for display.
SIR HARCOURT. Ha! you surprise me!
DAZZLE. To entangle you.
SIR HARCOURT. Ha! ha! why, it did appear like it.
DAZZLE. You will spare her for my sake; give her no en-
couragement; if disgrace come upon my relatives, the
Spankers, I should never hold up my head again.
SIR HARCOURT (aside). I shall achieve an easy conquest, and a
glorious. Ha! ha! I never remarked it before; but this is a
gentleman.
DAZZLE. May I rely on your generosity?
SIR HARCOURT. Faithfully. (Shakes his hand.) Sir, I honour
and esteem you; but, might I ask, how came you to meet our
friend. Max Harkaway, in my house in Belgrave Square?
Re-enter YOUNG courtly. Sits on sofa at back.
DAZZLE. Certainly. I had an [acceptance] of your son's for
one hundred pounds.
SIR HARCOURT (astonished). Of my son's? Impossible!
What's it to do with you?
DAZZLE. Ah, sir, fact! he paid a debt for a poor, unfortxmate
man - fifteen children - half-a-dozen wives - the devil knows
what all.
SIR HARCOURT. Simple boy!
DAZZLE. Innocent youth, I have no doubt; when you have the
hundred convenient, I shall feel delighted.
SIR HARCOURT. Oh! follow me to my room, and if you have
the document, it will be happiness to me to pay it. Poor
Charles! good heart!
DAZZLE. Oh, a splendid heart! I dare say. {Exit sir
HARCOURT.) [Come here; write me the bill.]
YOUNG COURTLY. What for?
DAZZLE. What for? why, to release the unfortunate man and
his family, to be sure, from jail.
[young COURTLY. Who is he?
DAZZLE. Yourself.]
YOUNG COURTLY. But I haven't fifteen children!
DAZZLE. Will you take yoiu: oath of that?
YOUNG COURTLY. Nor four wives.
DAZZLE. More shame for you, with all that family. [Come,
don't be obstinate;] write and date it back.
YOUNG COURTLY. [Ay, but where is the stamp?]
DAZZLE. Here they are ''[of all patterns.] {Pulls out a pocket-
book.) I keep them ready drawn in case of necessity, [all but
the date and acceptance.] Now, if you are in an autographic
humour, you can try how your signature will look across
half a dozen of them; - there - write - exactly - you know
the place - across - good - and thank your lucky stars that
you have found a friend at last, that gives you money and
advice. {Takes paper and exits.)
YOUNG COURTLY. Things are approaching to a climax; I must
Here, Charles. Bring your splendid heart here and sign your
name.
YOUNG COURTLY. Which man?
DAZZLE. You.
Ay, but where are the I.O.U.s?
appear in propria persona - and immediately - but I must
first ascertain what are the real sentiments of this riddle of a
woman. Does she love me? I flatter myself. - [By Jove, here
she comes - shall never have such an opportunity again!]
Enter GRACE.
GRACE. I wish I had never seen Mr Hamilton. Why does every
object appear robbed of the charm it once presented to me?
Why do I shudder at the contemplation of this marriage,
which, till now, was to me a subject of indifference? Am I
in love? In love ! - if I am, my past life has been the work of
raising up a pedestal to place my own folly on - I - the
infidel - the railer!
YOUNG COURTLY. Meditating upon matrimony, madam?
GRACE (aside). He httle thinks he was the subject of my
meditations ! (Aloud.) No.
YOUNG COURTLY (aside). I must immask my battery now.
GRACE (aside). How fooUsh I am - he will perceive that I
tremble - I must appear at ease.
A pause.
YOUNG COURTLY. Eh! ah! um!
And even if she does, ought I to pursue this affair further? My
father's rival! As a dutiful son, I should feel concerned for his
happiness; so I am. For I feel assured if Grace Harkaway
becomes his bride he wiU for ever be miserable. It is therefore
my duty as a loving son clearly to save my father. Yes, I'll be a
sacrifice and marry her myself.
Enter pert.
PERT. Oh, sir. It is agreed that Jenks and I shall go duet.
YOUNG COURTLY. Oh, really?
PERT. Yes, sir. For the dancing.
YOUNG COURTLY. Ah! Pert.
PERT. Yes, sir.
YOUNG COURTLY. Where's your mistress?
PERT. Taking her time, sir, descending.
YOUNG COURTLY. Alone, Pert?
PERT. Alone. (Exit pert.)
YOUNG COURTLY. By Jove, I shall never have such an oppor-
tunity again!
GRACE. Ah! {They sink into silence again. Aside.') How very
awkward.
YOUNG COURTLY {aside). It is a very difficult subject to
begin. {Aloud.) Madam - ahem - there was - is - mean -
was about to remark - a - {Aside.) Hang me if it is not a very
slippery subject. I must brush up my faculties; attack her in
her own way. {Aloud.) Sing! oh, muse. - {Aside.) Why, I
have made love before to a hundred women!
GRACE {aside). I wish I had something to do, for I have
nothing to say.
YOUNG COURTLY. Madam - there is - a subject so fraught
with fate to my future life, that you must pardon my lack of
deUcacy, should a too hasty expression mar the fervent
courtesy of its intent. To you I feel aware, I must appear in
the light of a comparative stranger.
GRACE {aside). I know what's coming.
YOUNG COURTLY. Of you - know perhaps too much for my
own peace.
GRACE {aside). He is in love.
YOUNG COURTLY. I forget all that befell before I saw your
beauteous self: I seem born into another world - my nature
changed - the beams of that bright face falling on my soul,
have, from its chaos, warmed into life the flowrets of
affection, whose maiden odovurs now float towards the sun,
pouring forth on their pure tongues a mite of adoration,
midst the voices of a universe. {Aside.) That's something in
her own style.
GRACE. Mr Hamilton!
YOUNG COURTLY. You Cannot feel surprised -
GRACE. I am more than surprised. {Aside.) I am delighted.
YOUNG COURTLY. Do not speak so coldly.
GRACE. You have offended me.
YOUNG COURTLY. No, madam; no woman, whatever her
state, can be offended by the adoration even of the meanest;
it is myself whom I have offended and deceived - but still
I ask your pardon.
GRACE {aside). Oh! he thinks I'm refusing him. {Abud.) I am
not exactly offended, but -
YOUNG COURTLY. Consider my position - a few days - and
an insurmountable barrier would have placed you beyond
my wildest hopes - you would have been my mother.
GRACE. I should have been your mother! (Aside.) I thought so.
YOUNG COURTLY. No - that is, I meant Sir Harcourt
Courtly's bride.
GRACE (pith great emphasis). Never!
YOUNG COURTLY. How! never! may I then hope? - you turn
away - you would not lacerate me by a refusal?
GRACE (aside). How stupid he is!
YOUNG COURTLY. Still silent! I thank you. Miss Grace - I
ought to have expected this - fool that I have been - one
course alone remains - farewell!
GRACE (aside). Now he's going.
YOUNG COURTLY. Farewell forever! (Sits.) Will you not
speak one word? I shall leave this house immediately - I
shall not see you again.
GRACE. Unhand me, sir, I insist.
YOUNG COURTLY (aside). Oh! what an ass I've been! (Rushes
up to her, and seizes her hand.) Release this hand? Never!
never! (Kissing it.) Never will I quit this hand! it shall be
my companion in misery - in solitude - when you are far
way.
GRACE. Oh! should anyone come! (Drops her handkerchief;
he stoops to pick it up.) For heaven's sake, do not kneel.
YOUNG COURTLY (kneels). Forever thus prostrate, before my
soul's saint, I will lead a pious life of eternal adoration.
GRACE. Should we be discovered thus - pray, Mr Hamilton -
pray - pray.
YOUNG COURTLY. Pray! I am praying; what more can I do?
GRACE. Your conduct is shameful.
YOUNG COURTLY. It is. (Rises.)
GRACE . And if I do not scream, it is not for your sake - that -
but it might alarm the family.
YOUNG COURTLY. It might - it would. Say, am I wholly
indifferent to you? I entreat one word- implore you -do not
withdraw your hand - (She snatches it away - he puts his
round her zvaist.) - you smile.
GRACE. Leave me, dear Mr Hamilton!
YOUNG COURTLY. Dear! Then I am dear to you; that word
once more; say - say you love me!
GRACE. Is this fair?
He catches her in his arms, and kisses her.
Enter lady gay spanker.
LADY GAY. Ha! oh!
grace. Gay! destruction!
Exit.
YOUNG COURTLY. Fizgig! The devil!
LADY GAY. Don't mind me - pray, don't let me be any
interruption!
YOUNG COURTLY. I waS jUSt -
LADY GAY. Yes, I See you were.
YOUNG COURTLY. Oh! madam, how could you mar my bliss,
in the very ecstasy of its fulfilment?
LADY GAY. I always like to be in at the death. Never drop your
ears; bless you, she is only a little fresh - give her her head,
and she will outrun herself.
YOUNG COURTLY. Possibly; but what am I to do?
LADY GAY. Keep your seat.
YOUNG COURTLY. But in a few days she will take a leap that
must throw me - she marries Sir Harcourt Courtly.
LADY GAY. Why, that is awkward, certainly; but you can
challenge him, and shoot him.
YOUNG COURTLY. Unfortunately, that is out of the question.
LADY GAY. HoW SO?
YOUNG COURTLY. You wiU not betray a secret, if I inform
you?
LADY GAY. All right - what is it?
YOUNG COURTLY. I am his son.
LADY GAY. What - his son? But does he not know you?
YOUNG COURTLY. No. I met him here, by chance, and faced
it out. I never saw him before in my life.
LADY GAY. Beautifiil! - I see it all - you're in love with your
mother, that should be - your wife, that will be.
YOUNG COURTLY. Now, I think I could distance the old
gentleman, if you will but lend us yoiu: assistance.
LADY GAY. I wiU, in anything.
YOUNG COURTLY. You must know, then, that my father. Sir
Harcourt, has fallen desperately in love with you.
LADY GAY. With me! - {Utters a scream of delight.) - That is
delicious !
YOUNG COURTLY. Now, if you Only could -
LADY GAY. Could! - will. Ha! ha! I see my cue. I'll cross his
scent - I'll draw him after me. Ho! ho! won't I make love to
him? Ha!
Hyoung COURTLY. Theonly objection might be Mr Spanker,
who might -
LADY GAY. No, he mightn't - he's no objection. Bless him,
he's an inestimable little character - you don't know him as
well as I do, I dare say - ha ! ha ! (Dinner-bell rings.) Here they
come to dinner. I'll commence my operations on your
Governor immediately! Ha! ha! how I shall enjoy it!]
YOUNG COURTLY. Be guarded!
Enter max harkaway, sir harcourt, dazzle,
GRACE, and spanker,
max. Now, gentlemen - Sir Harcourt, do you lead Grace.
LADY gay. I believe Sir Harcourt is engaged to me. (Takes
his arm.)
MAX. Well, please yourselves.
They file out, max first, young courtly and grace,
sir harcourt coquetting with lady gay, leavifig
dazzle, who offers his arm to spanker.
Dinner-bell rings.
lady gay. Here they come to dinner. I'll commence my
operations on your Governor immediately! Ha! Ha! How I
shall enjoy it!
young courtly. The only objection might be Mr Spanker,
who might -
lady gay. No, he mightn't - he's no objections. Bless him, he's
an inestimable little character - you don't know him as well
as I do, I dare say.
A handsome drawing-room in Oak Hall, chandelier, tables with
books, drawings, etc.
GRACE and LADY GAY discovered. [Servant handing
coffee.]
GRACE. If there be one habit more abominable than another,
it is that of the gentlemen sitting over their wine; it is a
selfish, unfeeling fashion, and a gross insult to our sex.
LADY GAY. We are turned out just when the fun begins. [How
happy the poor wretches look at the contemplation of being
rid of us.]
GRACE. The conventional signal for the ladies to withdraw is
anxiously and deUberately waited for.
LADY GAY. Then I begin to wish I were a man.
GRACE. The instant the door is closed upon us, there rises a
roar!
LADY GAY. In celebration of their short-Uved Uberty, my
love; rejoicing over their emancipation.
GRACE. I think it very insulting, whatever it may be.
LADY GAY. Ah! my dear, philosophers say that man is the
creature of an hour - it is the dinner hour, I suppose.
Loud noise. Cries of 'A song, a song'.
GRACE. I am afraid they are getting too pleasant to be agree-
able.
LADY GAY. I hope the squire will restrict himself; after his
third bottle, he becomes rather voluminous. (Cries of
'Silence'.) Someone is going to sing. (Jumps up.) Let us
hear!
SPANKER w heard to sing.
GRACE. Oh no, Gay, for heaven's sake!
LADY GAY. Oho! ha! ha! why, that is my Dolly. {At the con-
clusion of the verse.) Well, I never heard my Dolly sing before !
[Happy wretches, how I envy them!]
Enter JAMES, with a note.
JAMES. Mr Hamilton has just left the house for London.
GRACE. Impossible! - that is, without seeing - that is -
LADY GAY. Ha! ha!
GRACE. He never - speak, sir!
JAMES. He left. Miss Grace, in a desperate hurry, and this
note, I believe, for you. {Presenting a note on a salver.)
GRACE. For me!
She is about to snatch it, but restraining herself, takes it
coolly. Exit JAMES.
'Your maimer during dinner has left me no alternative but
instant departure; my absence will release you from the
oppression which my society must necessarily inflict on your
sensitive mind. It may tend also to smother, though it can
never extinguish, that indomitable passion, of which I am
the passive victim. Dare I supphcate pardon and obUvion
for the past? It is the last request of the self-deceived, but still
loving,
Augustus Hamilton.'
Puts her hand to her forehead and appears giddy.
LADY GAY. Hallo, Grace! what's the matter?
GRACE {recovering herself.) Nothing - the heat of the room.**
LADY GAY. Oh! what excuse does he make? particular
imforeseen business, I suppose?
GRACE . Why, yes - a mere formula - a - a - you may put it in
the fire.
She puts it in her bosom.
He never sings for me.
Insert: grace. Excuse me. Gay.
LADY GAY. Certainly.
LADY GAY {aside). It is near enough to fire where it is.
GRACE. I'm glad he's gone.
LADY GAY. So am I.
GRACE. He was a disagreeable ignorant person.
LADY GAY. Yes; and so vulgar.
GRACE. No, he was not at all vulgar.
LADY GAY. I mean in appearance.
GRACE. Oh! how can you say so; he was [very] distingue.
LADY GAY. Well, I might have been mistaken, but I took him
for a forward, intrusive -
GRACE. Good gracious. Gay! he was very retiring - even
shy.
LADY GAY (aside). It's all right. She is in love, - blows hot and
cold, in the same breath.
GRACE. How can you be a competent judge? Why, you have
not known him more than a few hours, - while I - I -
LADY GAY. Have known him two days and a quarter! I yield -
I confess, I never was, or will be, so intimate with him as
you appeared to be! Ha! ha!
\Loud noise of argument. The folding-doors are thrown
open.]
Enter the whole party of gentlemen apparently engaged in
warm discussion. They assemble in knots, while the servants
hand coffee, etc., MAX, SIR HARCOURT, DAZZLE, and
SPANKER, together.
DAZZLE. But, my dear sir, consider the position of the two
countries under such a constitution.
SIR HARCOURT. The two countries! What have they to do
with the subject?
MAX. Everything. Look at their two legislative bodies.
SPANKER. Ay, look at their two legislative bodies.
SIR HARCOURT. Why, it would inevitably establish universal
anarchy and confusion.
GRACE. I think they are pretty well estabhshed already.
' excessively
The sound of the end of a rude story. The folding doors are thrown
open. The conversation changes abruptly.
SPANKER. Well, suppose it did, what has anarchy and con-
fusion to do with the subject?
LADY GAY. Do look at my Dolly; he is arguing - talking
politics - 'pon my life he is. {Calling.) Mr Spanker, my dear!
SPANKER. Excuse me, love, I am discussing a point of import-
ance.
LADY GAY. Oh, that is delicious; he must discuss that to me. -
{She goes up and leads him down; he appears to have shaken
off his gaucherie; she shakes her head.) Dolly! Dolly !
SPANKER. Pardon me. Lady Gay Spanker, I conceive your
mutilation of my sponsorial appellation derogatory to my
amour propre.
LADY GAY. Your what? Ho! ho!
SPANKER. And I particularly request that, for the future, I
may not be treated with that cavalier spirit which does not
become your sex, nor your station, your ladyship.
LADY GAY. [You have been indulging till you have lost the
little wit Nature dribbled into your unfortunate little head-
your brains want the whipper-in - you are not yourself.]
SPANKER. Madam, I am doubly myself; and permit me to
inform you, that imless you volimtarily pay obedience to my
commands, I shall enforce them.
LADY GAY. Your Commands!
SPANKER. Yes, madam; I mean to put a full stop to your
hunting.
LADY GAY. You do! ah! {Aside.) [I can scarcely speak from
deUght.] {Aloud.) [Who put such an idea into your head, for
I am sure it is not an original emanation of your genius?]
SPANKER. Sir Harcourt Courtly, my friend; and now, mark
me! I request, for your own sake, that I may not be com-
pelled to assert my a - my authority, as your husband. I shall
say no more than this - if you persist in this absurd re-
bellion -
LADY GAY. Well?
Insert : You've been imbibing.
Go and put your feet up, Dolly. You're not yourself.
Who put that idea into your head?
SPANKER. Contemplate a separation.
He looks at her haughtily, and retires.
LADY GAY. Now I'm happy! My own little darling, inestim-
able Dolly, has tumbled into a spirit, somehow. Sir Harcourt,
too! Ha! ha! he's trying to make him ill-treat me, so that his
own suit may thrive.
SIR HARCOURT {advances). Lady Gay!
LADY GAY {aside). Now for it.
SIR HARCOURT. What hours of misery were those I passed,
when, by your secession, the room siered a total ecUpse.
LADY GAY. Ah! you flatter.
SIR HARCOURT. No, pardon me, that were impossible. No,
believe me, I tried to join in the boisterous mirth, but my
thoughts would desert to the drawing-room. Ah! how I
envied the careless levity and cool indifference with which
Mr Spanker enjoyed your absence.
DAZZLE {who is lounging in a chair). Max, that Madeira is
worth its weight in gold; '[I hope you have more of it.
MAX. A pipe, I think.
DAZZLE. I consider a magnum of that nectar, and a meer-
schaum of kanaster, to consummate the ultimatum of all
mundane bUss. To drown myself in liquid ecstasy, and then
blow a cloud on which the enfranchised soul could soar
above Olympus. - Oh!]
wrer JAMES.
JAMES. Mr Charles Courtly!
SIR HARCOURT. Ah, now. Max, you must see a living apology
for my conduct.
Enter young courtly, dressed very plainly.
Well, Charles, how are you? Don't be afraid. There, Max,
what do you say now?
' How can you be so free with it?
MAX. At Oak Hall, sir, a guest is a guest.
DAZZLE. I consider a magnvim of that nectar and a fragrant
havana to be the summit of all mundane bliss. First drown
yourself in liquid ecstasy, and then blow a cloud on which
your expanding soul could soar above Olympus. - Oh.
MAX. Well, this is the most extraordinary likeness.
GRACE (aside). Yes - considering it is the original. I am not so
easily deceived!
MAX. Sir, I am delighted to see you.
YOUNG COURTLY. Thank you, sir.
DAZZLE. Will you be kind enough to introduce me. Sir
Harcourt?
SIR HARCOURT. This is Mr Dazzle, Charles.
YOUNG COURTLY. Which?
Looking from MR spanker to dazzle.
SIR HARCOURT (to LADY gay). Is not that refreshing? Miss
Harkaway - Charles, this is your mother, or rather vsdll
be.
young COURTLY. Madam, I shall love, honour, and obey
you punctually. (Takes out a book, sighs, and goes up
reading.)
[£«rer JAMES.]
SIR HARCOURT. You perccive. Quite unused to society -
perfectly ignorant of every conventional rule of life.
[jAMES. The Doctor and the yoimg ladies have arrived.
Exit.
MAX. The young ladies -] now we must to the ball - make it
a rule always to commence the festivities with a good old
country dance - a rattling Sir Roger de Coverly; come, Sir
Harcourt.
SIR HARCOURT. Does this antiquity require a war-whoop in
it?
MAX. Nothing but a nimble foot and a Ught heart.
Enter v-BLT .
PERT. Mr Jenks has arrived, sir, with his music.
Enter jenks and his fiddle.
MAX. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jenks - full-time attorney
and part-time fiddler.
PERT. The doctor and the yovmg ladies are just taking their
coats off.
MAX. Off you go, then.
Exeunt pert and JENKS.
SIR HARCOURT. Very antediluvian indispensables ! Lady
Gay Spanker, will you honour me by becoming my pre-
ceptor?
LADY GAY. Why, I am engaged -] but (Aloud.) on such a plea
as Sir Harcourt's, I must waive all obstacles.
MAX. Now, Grace, girl - give your hand to Mr Courtly.
GRACE. Pray, excuse me, uncle - I have a headache.
SIR HARCOURT (aside). Jealousy! by the gods. - Jealous of my
devotions at another's fame! (Aloud.) Charles, my boy!
amuse Miss Grace during our aljsence.
Exit with LADY GAY.
MAX. But don't you dance, Mr Courtly!
YOUNG COURTLY. Dance, sir! - I never dance - I [can
procure] exercise in a [much] more rational manner - and
music disturbs my meditations.
MAX. Well, do the gallant. [(Exit.)]
YOUNG COURTLY. I never studied that Art - but I have a
Prize Essay on a Hydrostatic subject, which would delight
her - for it enchanted the Reverend Doctor Pump, of
Corpus Christi.
GRACE (aside). What on earth could have induced him to
disfigure himself in that frightful way! - I rather suspea
some plot to entrap me into a confession.
YOUNG COURTLY (oside). Dare I confess this trick to her?
No! Not until I have proved her affection indisputably. -
Let me see - I must concoct.
He takes a chair, and, forgetting his assumed character, is
about to take his natural free manner. GRACE looks sur-
prised. - He turns abashed.
Madam, I have been desired to amuse you.
GRACE. Thank you.
YOUNG COURTLY. 'The labouT we delight in, physics pain.'
I will draw you a moral, ahem! Subject, the effects of
*SIR HARCOURT. It soimds like a game of football! Lady Gay
Spanker, will you honour me by becoming my partner?
LADY GAY. Why, I am partoered already -
Insert : Exit i/ikX, nonplussed.
inebriety! - which, according to Ben Johnson - means
perplexion of the intellects, caused by imbibing spirituous
liquors. - About an hour before my arrival, I passed an
appalling evidence of the efifects of this state - a carriage was
overthrown - horses killed - gentleman in a hopeless state,
with his neck broken - all occasioned by the intoxication of
the post-boy.
GRACE. That is very amusing.
YOUNG COURTLY. I found it edifying - nutritious food for
reflection - the expiring man desired his best compliments
to you.
GRACE. To me -
YOUNG COURTLY. YeS.
GRACE. His name was -
YOUNG COURTLY. Mr Augustus Hamilton.
GRACE. Augustus! Oh! {Affects to faint.)
YOUNG COURTLY (aside). Huzza!
GRACE. But where, sir, did this happen?
YOUNG COURTLY. About four miles down the road.
GRACE. He must be conveyed here.
Enter servant.
SERVANT. Mr Meddle, madam.
Enter meddle.
MEDDLE. On very particular business.
GRACE. The very person. My dear sir!
MEDDLE. My dear madam!
GRACE. You must execute a very particular commission for me
immediately. Mr Hamilton has met with a frightful accident
on the London road, and is in a dying state.
MEDDLE. Well! I have no hesitation in saying, he takes it
uncommonly easy - he looks as if he was used to it.
GRACE. You mistake : that is not Mr Hamilton, but Mr Courtly,
who will explain everjrthing, and conduct you to the spot.
YOUNG COURTLY (aside). Oh! I must put a stop to all liis, or
I shall be found out. - (Aloud.) Madam, that were useless;
Insert : (He hears the music.) Jenks and his fiddle.
GRACE. Sir-
for I omitted to mention a small fact which occurred before
I left Mr Hamilton - he died.
GRACE. Dear me! Oh, then we needn't trouble you, Mr
Meddle. Hark! I hear they are commencing a waltz - if you
will ask me - perhaps your society and conversation may
tend to dispel the dreadful sensation you have aroused.
YOUNG COURTLY {aside). Hears of my death - screams out -
and then asks me to waltz! I am bewildered! Can she suspect
me? I wonder which she likes best - me or my double?
Confound this disguise ! I must retain it - I have gone too
far with my dad to pull up now. - At your service, madam.
GRACE {aside). I will pay him well for this trick!
Exeunt.
MEDDLE. '[Well, if that is not Mr Hamilton, scratch me out
with a big blade, for I am a blot - a mistake upon the rolls.
There is an error in the pleadings somewhere, and I will
discover it. - I would swear to his identity before the most
discriminating jury. By the by, this accident will form a
capital excuse for my presence here. I just stepped in to see
how matters worked,] and - stay - here comes the bride-
groom elect - and, oh ! in his very arms. Lady Gay Spanker !
{Looks around Where are my witnesses? Oh, that someone
else were here! However, I can retire and get some
information, eh - Spanker versus Courtly - damages -
witness.
Gets into an armchair, which he turns round.
Enter sir harcourt, supporting lady gay.
SIR HARCOURT. This cool room will recover you.
lady gay. Excuse my trusting to you for support.
SIR HARCOURT. I am transported! Allow me thus ever to
Fiddle on, Jenks, for Rome is burning. Here's a Mr Charles
Courtly, alias Hamilton and in the parlour of the Red Lion
who should sit but a Mr Solomon Isaacs asking round the
company if the name Mr Charles Courtly should be any way
familiar. There's writs out for young Courtly. He's half-way
to Newgate already. That information should be worth a
guinea or two one way or another -
support this lovely burden, and I shall conceive that Paradise
is regained.
They sit.
LADY GAY. Oh! Sir Harcourt, I feel very faint.
SIR HARCOURT. The waltz made you giddy.
LADY GAY. And I have left my salts in the other room.
SIR HARCOURT. I always carry a flacon, for the express
accommodation of the fair sex. {Producing a smelling-bottle.)
LADY GAY. Thank you - ah! {She sighs.)
SIR HARCOURT. What a sigh was there!
LADY GAY. The vapouT of consimiing grief.
SIR HARCOURT. Grief? Is it possible, have you a grief? Are
you unhappy? Dear me!
LADY GAY. Am I not married?
SIR HARCOURT. What a horrible state of existence!
LADY GAY. [I am ncvcr contradicted, so there are none of
those enlivening, interesting little diflferences, which so
pleasingly diversify the monotony of conjugal life, like spots
of verdure - no quarrels, like oases in the desert of matri-
mony - no rows.]
SIR HARCOURT. How Vulgar! what a brute!
LADY GAY. I never have anything but my own way; and he
won't permit me to spend more than I Uke.
SIR HARCOURT. Mean-Spirited wretch!
LADY GAY. How Can I help being miserable?
SIR HARCOURT. Miserable? I wonder you are not in a lunatic
asylum, with such unheard-of barbarism!
LADY GAY. But worse than all that!
SIR HARCOURT. [Can it be out-heroded?]
LADY GAY. Yes, I could forgive that - do - it is my duty. But
only imagine - picture to yourself, my dear Sir Harcourt,
though I, the third daughter of an Earl, married him out of
pity for his destitute and helpless situation as a bachelor with
ten thousand a year - conceive, if you can - he actually
permits me, with the most placid indifference, to flirt with
any old fool I may meet.
SIR HARCOURT. Good gracious! miserable idiot!
LADY GAY. I fear there is an incompatibility of temper, which
renders a separation inevitable.
SIR HARCOURT. Indispensable, my dear madam! Ah! had I
been the happy possessor of such a realm of bliss - what a
beatific eternity unfolds itself to my ejctending imagination!
Had another man but looked at you, I should have annihil-
ated him at once; [and if he had the temerity to speak, his
life alone could have expiated his crime.]
LADY GAY. [Oh, an existence of such a nature is too bright
for the eye of thought - too sweet to bear reflection.]
SIR HARCOURT. My devotion, eternal, deep -
LADY GAY. Oh, Sir Harcourt!
SIR HARCOURT {more fervently). Your every thought should
be a separate study, - each wish forestalled by the quick
apprehension of a Idndred soul.
LADY GAY. Alas! how can I avoid my fate?
SIR HARCOURT. If a life - a heart - were offered to your
astonished view by one who is considered the index of
fashion - the [vane] of the beau monde, - if you saw him at
your feet, begging, beseeching your acceptance of all, and
more than this, what would your answer -
LADY GAY. Ah! I know of none so devoted!
SIR HARCOURT. You do! {Throwing himself upon his knees.)
Behold Sir Harcourt Courtly!
MEBDLE jumps Up in the chair.
LADY GAY {aside). Ha! ha! Yoicks! Puss has broken cover.
SIR HARCOURT. Speak, adored, dearest Lady Gay! - speak -
will you fly from the tyranny, the wretched misery of such a
monster's roof, and accept the soul which lives but in your
presence!
LADY GAY. Do not press me. Oh, spare a weak, yielding
Dear Sir Harcourt, do not tempt me with joys I have missed.
pattern
woman, - be contented to know that you are, alas ! too dear to
me. But the world - the world would say -
SIR HARCOURT. [Let US be a precedent, to open a more
extended and liberal view of matrimonial advantages to
society.]
LADY GAY. How irresistible is your argument! [Oh! pause!]
SIR HARCOURT. [I have ascertained for a fact, every trades-
man of mine lives with his wife, and thus you see it has
become a vulgar and plebeian custom.]
LADY GAY. [Leave me;] I feel I cannot withstand yom: powers
of persuasion. Swear that you will never forsake me.
SIR HARCOURT. Dictate the oath. May I grow wrinkled, -
may two inches be added to the circumference of my waist, -
may I lose the fall in my back, - may I be old and ugly the
instant I forego one tithe of adoration!
LADY GAY. I must bclicve you.
SIR HARCOURT. Shall we leave this detestable spot - this
horrible vicinity?
LADY GAY. The sooner the better; tomorrow evening let it be.
Now let me return; my absence will be remarked. {He kisses
her hand.) Do I appear confused? Has my agitation rendered
me unfit to enter the room?
SIR HARCOURT. More angelic by a lovely tinge of heightened
colour.
Lady GAY. Tomorrow, in this room which opens on the
lawn.
SIR HARCOURT. At eleven o'clock.]
LADY GAY. Have your carriage in waiting, and four horses.
Remember please, be particular to have four; don't let the
affair come off shabbily. Adieu, dear Sir Harcourt!
Exit.
SIR HARCOURT. Veni, vidi, vici! Hannibal, Caesar, Napoleon,
Alexander never completed so fair a conquest in so short a
time. She dropped fascinated. This is an miprecedented
example of the irresistible force of personal appearance com-
bined with polished address. Poor creature! how she loves
me! I pity so prostrating a passion, and ought to retorn it,
I will; it is a duty I owe to society and fashion.
Exit.
MEDDLE {turns the chair round). 'There is a tide in the affairs of
men, which taken in the flood, leads on to fortune.' [This is
my tide - am the only witness. 'Virtue is sure to find its own
reward.' But] I've no time to contemplate what I shall be -
something huge. Let me see - Spanker versus Courtly -
Crim. Con. - Damages placed at , ., at least, for
injuries always decimate your hopes.
Enter MR SPANKER.
SPANKER. I caimot find Gay anywhere.
MEDDLE. The plaintiff himself - I must commence the
action. Mr Spanker, as I have information of deep, vital
importance to impart, will you take a seat? (They sit
solemnly - meddle takes out a note-book and pencil.) Ahem!
You have a wife?
Re-enter lady gay, behind.
SPANKER. Yes, I believe I -
MEDDLE. Will you be kind enough, without any prevarication,
to answer my questions?
SPANKER. You alarm - I -
MEDDLE. Compose yourself and reserve your feelings; take
time to consider. You have a wife?
SPANKER. Yes -
MEDDLE. He has a wife - good - a bona-fide wife - bound
morally and legally to be your wife, and nobody else's in
effect, except on your written permission -
SPANKER. But what has this -
MEDDLE. Hush! allow me, my dear sir, to congratulate you.
(Shakes his hand.)
SPANKER. What for?
MEDDLE. Lady Gay Spanker is about to dishonour the bond of
wedlock by eloping from you.
SPANKER {starting). What!
MEDDLE. [Be patient] - I thought you would be overjoyed.
[Will you place the affair in my hands, and] I will venture to
promise the largest damages on record.
SPANKER. Damn the damages! I want my wife. [Oh, I'll go
and ask her not to run away. She may run away with me -
she may hunt - she may ride - anything she likes.] Oh, sir,
let us put a stop to this affair.
MEDDLE. Put a stop to it! do not alarm me, sir. Sir, you will
spoil the most exquisite brief that was ever penned. [It
must proceed - it shall proceed. It is illegal to prevent it,
and I will bring an action against you for wilful intent to
injiure the profession.]
SPANKER. Oh, what an ass I am! Oh, I have driven her to this.
It was all that damned brandy punch on the top of Burgundy.
[What a fool I was!]
MEDDLE. It was the happiest moment of your life.
SPANKER. So I thought at the time; but we Uve to grow wiser.
Tell me, who is the vile seducer?
MEDDLE. Sir Harcourt Courtly.
SPANKER. Ha! he is my best friend.
MEDDLE. I should think he is. If you will accompany me -
here is a verbatim copy of the whole transaction in short-
hand - sworn to by me.
SPANKER. Only let me have Gay back again.
MEDDLE. Even that may be arranged - this way.
SPANKER. That ever I should live to see my wife run away.
Oh, I will do anjrthing - keep two packs of hounds - buy
up every horse and ass in England - mjrself included - oh!
LADY GAY. Ha! ha! ha! Poor Dolly, I'm sorry I must continue
to deceive him. If he would but kindle up a little - so that
fellow overheard all - well, so much the better.
Enter YOVTG courtly.
YOUNG COURTLY. My dear madam, how fares the plot? does
my Governor nibble?
LADY GAY. Nibble! he is caught, and in the basket. I have just
left him with a hook in his gills, panting for very lack of
element. But how goes on yoiu: encounter?
YOUNG COURTLY. Bravely. By a simple ruse, I have dis-
covered that she loves me. I see but one chance against the
best termination I could hope.
LADY GAY. What is that?
YOUNG COURTLY. My father has told me that I return to
town again tomorrow afternoon.
LADY GAY. Well, I insist you stop and dine - keep out of the
way.
YOUNG COURTLY. Oh, but what excuse can I oflFer for dis-
obedience? What can I say when he sees me before dinner?
LADY GAY. Say - say Grace.
Enter GRACE, who gets behind the window curtains.
YOUNG COURTLY. Ha! ha!
LADY GAY. I have arranged to elope with Sir Harcourt myself
tomorrow night.
YOUNG COURTLY. The deuce you have!
LADY GAY. Now if you could persuade Grace to follow that
example - his carriage will be waiting at the Park - be there
a little before eleven - and it will just prevent our escape.
Can you make her agree to that?
YOUNG COURTLY. Oh, without the slightest difl&culty, if Mr
Augustus Hamilton supplicates.
LADY GAY. Success attend you. (Going.)
YOUNG COURTLY. I wiU bend the haughty Grace. (Going.)
LADY GAY. Do.
Exeunt severally.
GRACE. Will you?
[A drawing-room in Oak Hall.]
Enter COOL.
COOL. This is the most serious affair Sir Harcourt has ever
been engaged in. I took the Uberty of considering him a fool
when he told me he was going to marry: but voluntarily to
incur another man's incumbrance is very little short of
madness. If he continues to conduct himself in this absurd
manner, I shall be compelled to dismiss him.
Enter SIR HARCOURT, equipped for travelling.
SIR HARCOURT. Cool!
COOL. Sir Harcourt.
SIR HARCOURT. Is my chariot in waiting?
COOL. For the last half hour at the park wicket. But, pardon
the insinuation, sir; would it not be more advisable to
hesitate a little for a short reflection before you undertake
the heavy responsibiUty of a woman?
SIR HARCOURT. No: hesitation destroys the romance of (a)
faux pas, and reduces it to the level of a mere mercantile
calculation.
COOL. What is to be done with Mr Charles?
SIR HARCOURT. [Ay, much against my will. Lady Gay
prevailed on me to permit him to remain.] You, Cool, must
return him to college. Pass through London, and deliver
these papers: here is a small notice of the coming elopement
for the Morning Post; this, by an eye-witness, for the Herald;
this, with all the particulars, for the Chronicle; and the full
and circumstantial account for the evening journal - after
which, meet us at Boulogne.
COOL. Very good. Sir Harcourt. (Going.)
SIR HARCOURT. Lose no time. Remember - Hotel Anglais,
Boulogne-sur-Mer. And, Cool, bring a few copies with you,
and don't forget to distribute some amongst very particular
friends.
COOL. It shall be done. (Exit cool.)
SIR HARCOURT. With what indifference does a man of the
world view the approach of the most perilous catastrophe!
[My position, hazardous as it is, entails none of that nervous
excitement which a neophyte in the school of fashion would
feel.] I am as cool and steady as possible. Habit, habit. [Ohl
how many roses will fade upon the cheek of beauty, when the
defalcation of Sir Harcourt Courtly is whispered - then
hinted - at last, confirmed and bruited. I think I see them.
Then, on my return, they will not dare to eject me - I am
their sovereign! Whoever attempts to think of treason, I'll
banish him from the West End - I'll cut him - I'll put him
out of fashion!]
Enter lady gay.
LADY GAY. Sir Harcourt!
SIR HARCOURT. At your feet.
LADY GAY. I had hoped you would have repented.
SIR HARCOURT. Repented!
LADY GAY. Havcyounot come to say it was a jest?-say you have !
SIR HARCOURT. Love is too sacred a subject to be trifled with.
Come, let us fly! See, I have procured disguises -
LADY GAY. My courage begins to fail me. Let me return.
SIR HARCOURT. Impossible!
LADY GAY. Where do you intend to take me?
SIR HARCOURT. [You shall be my guide. The carriage waits.]
LADY GAY. You will never desert me?
SIR HARCOURT. Desert! Oh, heavens! Nay, do not hesitate -
[flight, now, alone is left to your desperate situation! Come,]
every moment is laden with danger. (They are going.)
LADY GAY. Oh! gracious!
SIR HARCOURT. Hush! what is it?
LADY GAY. I have forgotten - I must return.
SIR HARCOURT. Impossible!
LADY GAY. I must! I must! I have left Max - a pet stag-
hound, in his basket - without whom, life would be imen-
durable - I could not exist!
SIR HARCOURT. No, no. Let him be sent after us in a hamper.
LADY GAY. In a hamper! Remorseless man! Go - you love
me not. How would you like to be sent after me - in a
hamper? Let me fetch him. Hark! I hear him squeal! Oh!
Max -Max!
SIR HARCOURT. Hush! for heaven's sake. They'll imagine
you're calling the Squire. [I hear footsteps; where can I
retire?
To the rainbow's end.
MAX (off). Come, James. This way.
SIR HARCOURT. Voices. Discovered - impleasant.
SIR HARCOURT hfdes. Enter meddle, spanker, max,
JAMES.
MEDDLE. Spanker versus Courtly. - I subpoena every one of
you as witnesses ! - I have 'em ready - here they are - shilling
a-piece. (Giving them round.) I'll swear before any jury I
overheard the whole elopement planned and now we stand
wimess to the execution.
MAX. But where is Sir Harcovirt?
LADY GAY. Where is your defendant?
SPANKER. Aye. Where is your defendant?
MEDDLE. Mr Harkaway, do you seek Sir Harcourt and place a
hand on his shoulder. The plaintiff and I will secure our affi-
davits.
Enter meddle, spanker, dazzle and max. lady gay
screams.
meddle. Spanker versus Courtly! - I subpoena every one of
you as witnesses ! - have 'em ready - here they are - shilling
a-piece. {Giving them round.)
LADY GAY. Where is Sir Harcourt?
meddle. There! - bear witness! - calling on the vile delin-
quent for protection!
SPANKER. Oh! his protection!
LADY GAY. What? ha!
meddle. I'll swear I overheard the whole elopement planned
spanker. Do you hear, you profligate?
LADY GAY. Ha! ha! ha! ha!
dazzle. But where is this wretched Lothario?
MEDDLE. Aye, where is the defendant?
spanker. Where lies the hoary villain?
LADY GAY. What villain?
spanker. That will not serve you!-ril not be blinded that way!
MEDDLE. We won't be blinded any way!
MAX. I must seek Sir Harcourt, and demand an explanation! -
Such a thing never occurred in Oak Hall before ! - It must be
cleared up! {Exit.)
MEDDLE {aside to spanker). Now, talce my advice, remember
your gender. Mind the notes I have given you.]
spanker {aside). All right! Here they are! Now, madam, I
have procured the highest legal opinion on this point.
MEDDLE. Hear! hear!
max. Down the long field, James.
JAMES exits one way : MAX the other, dazzle enters, meetingiAAX.
MAX. Such a thing as this never occurred in Oak Hall before.
dazzle. What's afoot?
MAX. Villainy, sir. Villainy and rape.
dazzle. Oh, good.
MEDDLE urges sp AiiKEV. forward.
MEDDLE. Now take my advice. Mind the notes I've given you
and remember your gender.
SPANKER. And the question resolves itself into a - into -
What's this? (Looks at notes.)
MEDDLE. A nutshell!
SPANKER. Yes, we are in a nutshell. '[Will you, in every
' Will you unconditionally subscribe to this statement and
respect my requests - desires - commands - (Looks at notes.) -
orders - imperative - indicative - injunctive - or otherwise?
LADY GAY. 'Pon my life, he's actually going to assume the
ribbons, and take the box-seat. I must put a stop to this. (To
SPANKER.) Air Spanker, I've been insulted by Sir Harcourt
Courtly. He tried to elope with me. I place myself under your
protection. Challenge him.
SPANKER. Ah! A challenge! I must consult my legal adviser.
SPANKER and MEDDLE retire to consult.
DAZZLE. Ah! I smell powder!
LADY GAY. It wiU aU end in smoke. Sir Harcourt would rather
run than hght.
DAZZLE (loud). My dear madam, command my services. Can I
be of any use?
MEDDLE (to DAZZLE). On the Subject of challenge, no -
impossible.
DAZZLE. What has an attorney to do with affairs of honour?
They are out of his element. Mr Spanker !
MEDDLE. Compromise the question! - pull his nose! - we have
no objection to that.
DAZZLE (turning to Lady Gay). Well, we have no objection
either - have we?
LADY GAY. No! - pull his nose - that will be something.
DAZZLE. Yes. Pull his nose.
SPANKER. But who's to do it?
MEDDLE. Exactly. And moreover it's not actionable.
DAZZLE. Isn't it? - thank you - I'll make use of that piece of
information.
MEDDLE. Six and eightpence.
LADY GAY. Air Spanker, I am determined! - I insist on a
challenge being sent to Sir Harcourt Coxurdy! And - mark me
MEDDLE. Don't. Take my advice. You'U incapacitate yourself -
LADY GAY. Mr Meddle, hold your tongue. Air Spanker!
DAZZLE. Air Spanker!
LADY GAY {aside). Ton my life, he's actually going to assume
the ribbons, and take the box-seat. I must put a stop to this.
I will! It will all end in smoke. I know Sir Harcourt would
rather run than fight!
DAZZLE. Oh! I smell powder! - command my services. My
dear madam, can I be of any use?
SPANKER. Oh! (a) challenge! - I must consult my legal
adviser.
MEDDLE. No! - impossible!
DAZZLE. Pooh! the easiest thing in life! - Leave it to me -
what has an attorney to do with affairs of honour? - they are
out of his element!
MEDDLE. Compromise the question! - pull his nose! - we have
no objection to that!
DAZZLE {turning to LADY gay). Well, we have no objection
either - have we?
LADY GAY. No! - puU his nose - that will be something.
MEDDLE. And, moreover, it is not exactly actionable!
DAZZLE. Isn't it! - thank you - I'll note down that piece of
information - it may be useful.
MEDDLE. How! cheated out of my legal knowledge.
LADY GAY. Mr Spanker, I am determined! - I insist upon a
challenge being sent to Sir Harcourt Courtly! - and - mark
me - if you refuse to fight him - I will.
MEDDLE. Don't. Take my advice - you'll incapacit -
MEDDLE. Mr Spanker!
LADY GAY . Mr Meddle. Unless you wish me to horse-whip you,
go home.
MEDDLE. That is assault and bestiality.
LADY GAY. Without witnesses it's rough justice.
They drive MEDDLE off.
MEDDLE. You are thieves, vultures and ramping lions.
DAZZLE. Vanish, Meddle.
MEDDLE. And that is necromancy. {Exit MEDDLE.)
LADY GAY. Look you, Mr Meddle, unless you wish me to
horsewhip you, hold your tongue.
MEDDLE. What a she-tiger - I shall retire and collect my
costs. {Exit.)
LADY GAY. Mr Spanker, oblige me, by writing as I dictate.
SPANKER. He's gone - and now I am defenceless! Is this the
fate of husbands? - A duel! - Is this the result of becoming
master of my own family?
LADY GAY. 'Sir, the situation in which you were discovered
with my wife, admits neither of explanation nor apology.'
SPANKER. Oh, yes! but it does - I don't believe you really
intended to nm quite away.
LADY GAY. You do notj but I know better, I say I did; and if
it had not been for your unfortunate interruption, I do not
know where I might have been by this time. - Go on.
SPANKER. 'Nor apology.' I'm writing my own death-warrant,
committing suicide on compulsion.
LADY GAY. 'The bearer will arrange all pre limin ary matters
for another day must see this sacrilege expiated by your life,
or that of
'Yours very sincerely,
'dolly SPANKER.'
Now, Mr Dazzle. (Gives it over his head.)
DAZZLE. The document is as sacred as if it were a hundred-
pound bill.
LADY GAY. We trust to your discretion.
SPANKER. His discretion! Oh, put your head in a tiger's mouth,
and trust to his discretion!
DAZZLE (sealing letter, etc., with spanker's seal). My dear
Lady Gay, matters of this kind are indigenous to my nature,
independently of their pervading fascination to all humanity;
but this is more especially delightful, as you may perceive I
shall be the intimate and bosom friend of both parties.
LADY gay. Is it not the only alternative in such a case?]
dazzle, [It is a beautiful panacea in any, in every case.
(Going - returns.) By the way,] where would you like this
party of pleasure to come off? Open-air shooting is pleasant
enough, but if I might venture to advise, we could order
half a dozen of that Madeira and a box of cigars into the
bilUard-room, so make a night of it; take up the irons every
now and then, string for first shot, and blaze away at one
another in an amicable and gentlemanlike way; so conclude
the matter before the potency of the Uquor could disturb the
individuaUty of the object, or the smoke of the cigars render
its outline dubious. Does such an arrangement coincide with
your views?
LADY GAY. Perfectly.
Dazzle. I trust shortly to be the harbinger of happy
tidings. (Exit.)]
Spanker (coming forward). Lady Gay Spanker, are you
ambitious of becoming a widow?
LADY GAY. Why, Dolly, woman is at best but weak, and weeds
become me.
[spanker. Female! am I to be immolated on the altar of your
vanity?
LADY GAY. If you become pathetic. I shall laugh.]
spanker. Farewell - base, heartless, unfeeling woman!
(Exit.)
lady GAY. Ha! well, so I am. I am heartless, for he is a dear,
good little fellow, and I ought not to play upon his feeUngs;
but 'pon my life he sounds so well up at concert pitch, that I
feel disinclined to untime him. Poor Dolly, I didn't think he
cared so much about me. I will put him out of pain. (Exit.)
SIR HARCOURT comes down.
SIR HARCOURT. I have been a fool! a dupe of my own vanity.
SPANKER. I don't believe you really meant to run quite away.
LADY GAY. I say I did and, if it had not been for your unfortu-
nate interruption, heaven knows where I might have been by
this time. Follow Mr Dazzle, Dolly.
I shall be pointed at as a ridiculous old coxcomb - and so I
am. [The hour of conviction is arrived.] Have I deceived
myself? - Have I turned all my senses inwards - looking
towards self - always self? - and has the world been ever
laughing at me? Well, if they have, I will revert the joke; -
they may say I am an old ass; but I will prove that I am
neither too old to repent my folly, nor such an ass as to
flinch from confessing it. A blow half met is but half felt.
Enter DAZZLE.
DAZZLE. Sir Harcourt, may I be permitted the honour of a few
minutes' conversation with you?
SIR HARCOURT. With pleasure.
DAZZLE. Have the kindness to throw your eye over that. {Gives
the letter.)
SIR HARCOURT {reads). 'Situation - my wife - apology -
expiate - my life.' Why, this is intended for a challenge.
DAZZLE. Why, indeed, I am perfectly aware that it is not quite
en regie in the couching, for with that I had nothing to do; but
I trust that the irregularity of the composition will be con-
founded in the beauty of the subject.
SIR HARCOURT. Mr Dazzle, are you in earnest?
DAZZLE. Sir Harcourt Courtly, upon my honour I am, and I
hope that no previous engagement will interfere with an
immediate reply in propria persona. We have fixed upon the
billiard-room as the scene of action, which I have just seen
properly illuminated in honour of the occasion; and, by-the-
by, if your implements are not handy, I can oblige you with
a pair of the sweetest things you ever handled - hair-
triggered - saw grip; heirlooms in my family. I regard them
almost in the light of relations.
SIR HARCOURT. [Sir,] I shall avail myself of one of your
relatives. [{Aside.) One of the hereditaments of my folly - I
must accept it. {Aloud.)] Sir, I shall be happy to meet Mr
Spanker at any time or place he may appoint.
DAZZLE . The sooner the better, sir. Allow me to offer you my
arm. '[I see you understand these matters; - my friend Spanker
'■ SIR HARCOURT leaves, scorning dazzle's arm. Dazzle follows.
MAX. Give ye joy, girl, give ye joy. Sir Harcourt Courtly must
consent to waive all title to your hand in favour of his son
Charles.
GRACE. Oh, indeed! Is that the pith of your congratulation -
humph! the exchange of an old fool for a young one?
Pardon me if I am not able to distinguish the advantage.
MAX. Advantage!
GRACE. Moreover, by what right am I a transferable cipher in
the family of Courtly? So, then, my fate is reduced to this,
to sacrifice my fortune, or unite myself with a worm-eaten
edition of the Classics !
MAX. Why, he certainly is not such a fellow as I could have
chosen for my little Grace; but consider, to retain fifteen
thousand a-year ! Now, tell me honestly - [but why should I
say honestly} Speak, girl,] would you rather not have the lad?
GRACE. Why do you ask me?
MAX. Why, look ye, I'm an old fellow, another himting season
or two, and I shall be in at my own death - can't leave you
this house and land, because they are entailed, [nor can I say
I'm sorry for it, for it is a good law;] but I have a little box
with my Grace's name upon it, where, since your father's
death and miserly will, I have yearly placed a certain sum
to be yours, should you refuse to fulfil the conditions
prescribed.
GRACE. My own dear uncle! (Clasping him round the neck.)
MAX. Pooh! pooh! what's to do now? Why, it was only a
trifle - why, you Uttle rogue, what are you crying about?
GRACE. Nothing, but -
MAX. But what? Come, out with it, will you have young
Courtly?
Re-enter lady gay.
LADY GAY. Oh! Max, Max!
MAX. Why, what's amiss with you?
LADY GAY. I'm a wicked woman!
MAX. What have you done?
LADY GAY. Everything - oh, I thought Sir Harcourt was a
coward, but now I find a man may be a coxcomb without
being a poltroon. Just to show my husband how inconveni-
ent it is to hold the ribands sometimes, I made him send a
challenge to the old fellow, and he, to my surprise, accepted it,
and is going to blow my Dolly's brains out in the billiard-room.
MAX. The devil!
LADY GAY. Just when I imagined I had got my whip hand of
him again, out comes my linch-pin - and over I go - oh!
[max. I will soon put a stop that - a duel under my roof!]
Murder in Oak Hall! I'll shoot them both! {Exit.)
GRACE. Are you really in earnest?
LADY GAY. Do you think it like a joke? Oh! Dolly, if you allow
yourself to be shot, I will never forgive you - never! Ah, he
is a great fool, Grace; but I can't tell why, but I would sooner
lose my bridle hand than he should be hurt on my account.
[(Enter sir harcourt courtly.)] Tell me - tell me -
have you shot him - is he dead - my dear Sir Harcourt - you
horrid old brute - have you killed him? I shall never forgive
myself. (Exit.)
MAX (blows horn). James! Wake up. James.
Insert :
Enter james
JAMES. What's amiss, madam?
GRACE. The master needs you in the billiard-room.
Exit J AMns.
MAX (off). Now come to your senses, do you hear? You may not
duel under my roof.
Enter pert and jenks /rom upstairs, flurried.
pert. Is the house afire, Miss?
GRACE. No, Pert. Kindly fetch towels, bandages and . . . boil
some hot water.
pert (looking at the weeping lady gay). Madam!
PERT and JENKS out fast.
Two shots from offstage, grace and lady gay hug each
other and wait. The door opens. Enter SIR harcourt.
GRACE. Oh! Sir Harcourt, what has happened?
SIR HARCOURT. Don't be alarmed, I beg - your uncle in-
terrupted us - discharged the weapons [- locked the
challenger up in the billiard-room to cool his rage.]
GRACE. Thank heaven!
SIR HARCOURT. Miss Gracc, to apologize for my conduct
out of the window.
Insert :
Enter max with two smoking pistols.
MAX. Out of my way. Sir Harcourt. I cannot bring myself to
speak to you.
SIR HARCOURT retires. The sound of a shoulder hurled
against a door offstage.
(To GRACE.) I locked the challenger in the library to restore his
equilibrium.
Enter pert and jenks with water and first aid.
GRACE. Thank you. Pert. It is not necessary.
They withdraw. Enter JAMES.
JAMES. I'm not sure the woodwork will stand it, sir. He be
coming at it like the Spanish Armada.
The sound of splintering wood, spanker is propelled on-
stage.
SPANKER. By what right, sir, do you interrupt a gentleman's
moment? My good friend Courtly was braced. I was braced.
You, sir, are an old maggot.
MAX. James, take this he-tiger out into the night air to cool his
rage.
SPANKER. I AM NOT ANGRY.
SPANKER faints rigid with anger. JAMES carries him off.
Enter DAZZLE.
DAZZLE. Max, you have your finger on my trigger.
DAZZLE takes the pistols from MAX and exits.
GRACE and MAX sit down to draw breath. SIR HARCOURT
moves a step towards them.
GRACE. Uncle.
MAX. Sir Harcourt.
SIR HARCOURT. May I be allowed a word alone with Miss
Grace?
MAX. Certainly. Why hot? Certainly.
Exit Max
GRACE. This generosity. Sir Harcourt, is most unexpected.
SIR HARCOURT. No, not generosity, but simply justice,
justice!
GRACE. May I still beg a favour?
SIR HARCOURT. Claim anything that is mine to grant.
GRACE. You have been duped by Lady Gay Spanker, I have
also been cheated and played upon by her and Mr Hamilton
ances, be still held good?
SIR HARCOURT. Certainly, although I confess I cannot see
the point of your purpose.
Enter max, zvith young courtly.
MAX. Now, Grace, I have brought the lad.
GRACE. Thank you, uncle, but the trouble was quite unneces-
sary - Sir Harcourt holds to his original contract.
MAX. The deuce he does!
GRACE. And I am willing - nay, eager to become Lady
Courtly.
YOUNG COURTLY (aside). The deuce you are!
MAX. But, Sir Harcourt -
SIR HARCOURT. One word, Max, for an instant. (They
retire.)
YOUNG COURTLY (aside). What can this mean? Can it be
possible that I have been mistaken - that she is not in love
virith Augustus Hamilton?
GRACE. Now we shall find how he intends to bend the haughty
Grace.
YOUNG COURTLY. Madam - Miss, I mean - are you really
in earnest - are you in love vyith my father?
GRACE. No, indeed I am not.
YOUNG COURTLY. Are you in love with anyone else?
GRACE. No, or I should not marry him.
YOUNG COURTLY. Then you actually accept him as your real
husband?
GRACE. In the common acceptation of the word.
YOUNG COURTLY {aside). Hang me if I have not been a pretty
fool! {Aloud.) Why do you marry him, if you don't care
about him?
GRACE. To save my fortune.
YOUNG COURTLY {aside). Mercenary, cold-hearted girl!
{Aloud.) [But if there be anyone you love in the least -
marry him;] - were you never in love?
GRACE. Never!
YOUNG COURTLY {aside). Oh! what an ass I've been! {Aloud.)
I heard Lady Gay mention something about a Mr Hamilton.
GRACE. Ah, yes, a person who, after an acquaintanceship of
two days, had the assurance to make love to me, and I -
YOUNG COURTLY. Yes, - you - Well?
GRACE. I pretended to receive his attentions.
YOUNG COURTLY {aside). It was the best pretence I ever
saw.
Grace. An absurd, vain, conceited coxcomb, who appeared
to imagine that I was so struck with his fulsome speech, that
he could turn me round his finger.
YOUNG COURTLY {aside). My very thoughts!
grace. But he was mistaken.
YOUNG COURTLY {aside). Confoundedly! {Aloud.)] Yet you
seemed rather concerned about the news of his death?
GRACE. His accident! No, but -
YOUNG COURTLY. But what?
GRACE {aside). What can I say? {Aloud.) Ah! but my maid
Pert's brother is a post-boy, and I thought he might have
sustained an injury, poor boy.
YOUNG COURTLY {aside). Damn the post-boy! {Aloud.)
Madam, if the retention of your fortune be the plea on which
you are about to bestow your hand on one you do not love,
and whose very actions speak his carelessness for that
inestimable jewel he is incapable of appreciating - Know
that I am devotedly, madly attached to you.
GRACE. You, sir? Impossible!
YOUNG COURTLY. Not at all, - [but inevitable,] - have been
so for a long time.
GRACE. Why, you never saw me imtil last night.
YOUNG COURTLY. I have seen you in imagination - you are
the ideal I have worshipped.
GRACE. Since you press me into a confession, - which nothing
but this could bring me to speak, - know, I did love poor
Augustus Hamilton - (max and sir harcourt re-enter.)
but he - he is - no - more ! Pray, spare me, sir.
young COURTLY (aside). She loves me! And oh! what a
situation I am in ! - if I own I am the man, my Governor will
overhear, and ruin me - if I do not, she'll marry him. - What
is to be done?
Enter LADY gay.
LADY GAY. Where have you put my Dolly? I have been racing
all roimd the house - tell me, is he quite dead
MAX. I'll have him brought in. (Exit.)
SIR HARCOURT. My dear madam, you must perceive this
unfortunate occurrence was no fault of mine. I was com-
pelled to act as I have done - I was willing to offer any
apology, [but that resource was excluded, as unacceptable.]
LADY GAY. I know - I know - ['twas I made him write that
letter] - there was no apology required - 'twas I that
apparently seduced you from the paths of propriety - 'twas
all a joke, and here is the end of it. {Enter max, mr spanker,
and DAZZLE.) Oh! if he had but lived to say, 'I forgive you.
Gay!'
SPANKER. So I do!
LADY GAY (seeing SPANKER). Ah! he is alive!
SPANKER. Of coiurse I am!
LADY GAY. Ha! ha! ha! (Embraces him.) I will never hunt
again - unless you wish it. Sell your stable -
SPANKER. No, no - do what you like - say what you like, for
the future ! [I find the head of a family has less ease and more
responsibility than I, as a member, could have anticipated.
Enter cool.
SIR HARCOURT. Ah! Cool, here! (Aside.) You may destroy
those papers - have altered my mind, - and I do not intend
to elope at present. Where are they?
cool. As you seemed particular. Sir Harcourt, I sent them oflF
by mail to London.
SIR harcourt. Why, then a full description of the whole
affair will be published tomorrow.
COOL. Most irretrievably?
SIR harcourt. You must post to town immediately, and
stop the press.
COOL. Beg pardon - they would see me hanged first. Sir
Harcourt; they don't frequently meet with such a profitable
he.
[servant (without). No, sir! no, sir!
Enter SIMPSON.
SIMPSON. Sir, there is a gentleman, who calls himself Mr
Solomon Isaacs, insists upon following me up.
Enter M.K solomon Isaacs.
ISAACS. Mr Courtly, you will excuse my performance of a
most disagreeable duty at any time, but more especially in
such a manner. I must beg the honour of your company to
town.
SIR harcourt. What! - how! - what for?
JAMES (without). No, sir! no, sir!
Enter meddle at speed followed by ISAACS and james.
MEDDLE. Would have been in sooner but a pellet through my
hat encouraged us to lie low in the bushes till the firing ceased.
And that's a thing to be looked into. But currently - my client,
Mr Isaacs has a word or two to say.
ISAACS . Mr Courtly, you will excuse my performance of a most
disagreeable duty. I must beg the honour of your company to
town.
MEDDLE. To town.
sir HARCOURT. What! - How? - what for?
ISSACS. For debt. Sir Harcourt.
MEDDLE. Debt.
SIR harcourt. Debt?
ISAACS. For debt, Sir Harcourt.
SIR HARCOURT. Artcsted?] - impossible! Here must be some
mistake.
ISAACS. Not the slightest, sir. Judgment has been given in five
cases, for the last three months; but Mr Courtly is an eel,
rather too nimble for my men. - We have been on his track,
and traced him down to this village, with Mr Dazzle.
DAZZLE. Ah! Isaacs! how are you?
ISAACS. Thank you, sir. {Speaks to sir harcourt.)]
MAX. Do you know him?
DAZZLE . Oh, intimately - distantly related to his family - same
arms on our escutcheon - empty purse falling through a hole
in a - pocket: [motto, 'Requiescat in pace' - which means,
'Let virtue be its own reward.']
SIR harcourt {to ISAACS). Oh, I thought there was a
mistake! Know, to your misfortune, that Mr Hamilton was
the person you dogged to Oak Hall, between whom and my
son a most remarkable Ukeness exists.
ISAACS. Ha! ha! Know, to your misfortune. Sir Harcourt, that
Mr Hamilton and Mr Courtly are one and the same person!
SIR harcourt. Charles!
YOUNG courtly. Concealment is in vain - I am Augustus
Hamilton.
SIR harcourt. Hang me, if I didn't think it all along! Oh,
you infernal, cozening dog!
ISAACS. Very well, thank you, sir.
ISAACS and meddle talk privately with sir harcourt.
SIR harcourt. Hang me if I didn't think it all along!
You're no son of mine!
young courtly (turning to meddle and Isaacs). Gentle-
men!
He surrenders himself. They start to exit.
grace. Stay, sir - Mr Charles Coiirtly is imder age - ask his
father.
CHARLES returns.
SIR harcourt. Ahem! - won't - won't pay a shilling of the
rascal's debts - not a sixpence!
young courtly and his captors start to exit again.
ISAACS. Now, then, Mr Hamilton -
GRACE. Stay, sir - Mr Charles Courtly is imder age - ask his
father.
SIR HARCOURT. Ahem! - I won't - I won't pay a shilling of
the rascal's debts - not a sixpence!
GRACE. Then, I will - you may retire.
Exit ISAACS.]
YOUNG COURTLY. I Can now perceive the generous point of
your conduct towards me; and, believe me, I appreciate, and
will endeavour to deserve it.
MAX. Ha! ha! Come, Sir Harcourt, you have been fairly
beaten - you must forgive him - say you will.
SIR HARCOURT. So, sir, it appears you have been leading,
covertly, an infernal town life.
YOUNG COURTLY. Yes, [pleasc,] father. [{Imitating master
CHARLES.)
SIR HARCOURT. None of your humbug, sir! {Aside.)!! is my
own son - how could I expect him to keep out of the fire?
(Aloud.)] And you, Mr Cool! - have you been deceiving me?
COOL. Oh! Sir Harcourt, if your perception was played upon,
how could I be expected to see?'
Insert : straight.
GRACE. Then I will.
YOUNG COURTLY. Madam!
MAX. Jenks! You're the only entirely wordless lawyer I've
encountered - accompany Mr Isaacs to the library and see him
well settled.
MEDDLE (moving in on jenks). Jenks? Jenks? Why he's a
jumped-up fiddler with as much knowledge of the law as a pat
of butter.
PERT (cornering meddle). Would you repeat that, Mr Meddle?
Slowly?
meddle (defeated suddenly). Oh damn ... I know . . .
(Sniggers.) Slander.
MEDDLE makes an accelerating exit.
GRACE (to ISAACS). Follow Mr Jenks, sir.
ISAACS. Thank you, madam.
PERT and JENKS lead ISAACS away.
SIR HARCOURT. Well, it would be useless to withhold my
hand. There, boy! {He gives his hand to young courtly.
GRACE conies down on the other side, and offers her hand; he
takes it.) What is all this? What do you want?
young courtly. Your blessing, father.
GRACE. If you please, father.
SIR HARCOURT. Oho! the mystery is being solved. So, so,
you young scoundrel, you have been making love - under the
rose.
LADY GAY. He learnt that from you. Sir Harcourt.
SIR HARCOURT. Ahem! What would you do now, if I were to
withhold my consent?
GRACE. Do without it.
MAX. The will says, if Grace marries anyone but you, - her
property reverts to your heir-apparent - and there he stands.
LADY GAY. Make a virtue of necessity.
SPANKER. I married from inclination; and see how happy I
am. And if ever I have a son -
LADY GAY. Hush! DoUy, dear!
SIR HARCOURT. Well! take her, boy! Although you are too
young to marry. {They retire with MAX.)
LADY GAY. Am I forgiven. Sir Harcourt?
SIR HARCOURT. Ahem! Why - a - {Aside.) Have you really
deceived me?
LADY GAY. Can you not see through this?
SIR HARCOURT. And you still love me?
LADY GAY. As much as I ever did.
SIR HARCOURT {is obout to kiss her hand, when SPANKER
interposes between). A very handsome ring, indeed.
SPANKER. Very. {Puts her arm in his, and they go up.)
SIR HARCOURT. Poor little Spanker!
MAX {coming down, aside to sir harcourt). One point I wish
to have settled. Who is Mr Dazzle!
sir harcourt. a relative of the Spankers, he told me.
MAX. Oh, no, - near connection of yours.
sir harcourt. Never saw him brfore I came down here, in
all my life. {To young courtly.) Charles, who is Mr
Dazzle?
YOUNG COURTLY. Dazzle, Dazzle, - will you excuse an
impertinent question? - but who the deuce are you?
DAZZLE. Certainly. I have not the remotest ideal
ALL. How, sir?
DAZZLE. Simple question as you may think it, it would puzzle
half the world to answer. One thing I can vouch - Nature
made me a gentleman - that is, I live on the best that can be
procured for credit. I never spend my own money when I
can obUge a friend. I'm always thick on the winninghorse. I'm
an epidemic on the trade of tailor. For further particulars,
inquire of any sitting magistrate.
SIR HARCOURT. And these are the deeds which attest your
title to the name of gentleman? I perceive that you have
caught the infection of the present age. Charles, permit me,
as your father, and you, sir, as his friend, to correct you on
one point. Bare-faced assurance is the vulgar substitute for
gentlemanly ease; and there are many who, by aping the
vices of the great, imagine that they elevate themselves to the
rank of those whose faults alone they copy. No, sir ! The title
of gentleman is the only one out of any monarch's gift, yet
within the reach of every peasant. It should be engrossed by
Truth - stamped with Honour - sealed with good-feeling -
signed Man - and enrolled in every true young English
heart.
CURTAIN
