PENICULUS, a parasite
MENAECHMUS I
MENAECHMUS II, his twin brother (born Sosicles)
MESSENIO, slave to Menaechmus II
ERonUM, a lady of pleasure
CYLlNDRUS, a cook in Erotium's employ
MAID, also in Erotium's employ
WIFE of Menaechmus
OLD MAN, father-in-law of Menaechmus
DOCTOR
The scene is a street in Epidamnus. There are two houses. On the right (from the audience's view) is MENAECHMUS' house; on the left, EROTIUM'S house. The forum is off-stage to the audience's right. The harbour is off-stage to the audience's left.
Enter the CHIEF ACTOR to speak the prologue
Now first and foremost, folks, I've this apostrophe:
May fortune favour all of you-and all of me.
I bring you Plautus. [Pause] Not in person, just his play.
So listen please, be friendly with your ears today.
Now here's the plot. Please listen with your whole attention
span;
-I'Il tell it in the very fewest words I can.
[A digression] Now comic poets do this thing in every play"
'It all takes place in Athens, folks,' is what they say.
So that way everything will seem more Greek to you.
But I reveal the real locations when I speak to you.
This story's Greekish, but to be exact,
It's not Athenish, it's Sicilyish, in fact.
[Smiles] That was a prelude to the prologue of the plot.
I now intend to pour a lot of plot for you.
Not just a cupful, fuller up, more like a pot.
Such is OUl;' storehouse, brimming full of plot!
[Finally, to business] There was at Syracuse a merchant old and worn
To whom a pair of baby boys-two twins-were born.
The babies' looks were so alike their nurse confessed
She couldn't tell to which of them she gave which breast. 20
Nor even could their own real mother tell between them.
I've learned about all this from someone who has seen them.
I haven't seen the boys, in case you want to know.
Their father, 'round the time the boys were seven or so,
Packed on a mighty ship much merchandise to sell
The father also packed one of the twins as well.
They went to Tarentum to market, with each other,
And left the other brother back at home with mother.
A festival chanced to be on there when they docked there,
And piles of people for the festival had flocked there.
IO
30
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
The little boy, lost in the crowd, wandered away.
An Epidamnian merchant, also there that day,
Made off with him to Epidamnus-there to stay.
The father, learning that he'd lost the lad,
Became depressed, in fact he grew so very sad
A few days later he was dead. It was that bad.
When back to Syracuse this news was all dispatched,
The grandpa of the boys learned one was snatched,
And word of father's death at Tarentum then came.
The grandpa took the other rwin and changed his name. 40
He so adored the other twin, who had been snatched,
He gave the brother still at home a name that matched:
Menaechmus. That had been the other brother's name.
It was the grandpa's name as well, the very sarne.*
In fact, it's not a name you quickly can forget,
Especially if you're one to whom he owes a debt.*
I warn you now, so later you won't be confused:
[Emphatically] for both of the twin brothers one same name is used.
[Starts to cross the stage]
Metre by metre to Epidamnus now Imust wend, *
So I can chart this map unto its perfect end. 50
If any of you wants some business handled there,
Speak up, be brave, and tell me of the whole affair.
But let him give me cash, so I can take good care.
H you don't offer cash, then you're a fool, forget it.
You do-[smiles] then you're a bigger fool, and you'll regret it.
I'll go back whence I came-still standing on this floor
And finish up the story I began before:
That Epidamnian who snatched the little lad,
He had no children; lots of cash was all he had.*
So he adopted him he snatched, became his dad. 60
And gave his son a dowried female for his bride.
And then-so he could make the boy his heir-he died.'
By chance, out in the country in a rain severe,
He tried to cross a rapid stream-not far from here.
The rapid river rapt the kidnapper, who fell,
Caught in the current, heading hurriedly to hell.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
The most fantastic riches thus came rolling in
To him who lives right in the house-the kidnapped twin.
But now, from Syracuse where he had always been,
Today in Epidamnus will arrive the other twin, 70
With trusty slave, in search of long-lost brother-twin.
This town is Epidamnus, while the play is on.
But when we play another play, its name will change
Just like the actors living here, whose roles can range
From pimp to papa, or to lover pale and wan,
To pauper, parasite, to king or prophet, on and on.
[And on and on and on ... ]
79
Enter the parasite PENICULUS.
He speaks directly to the audience
PENICULUS. By local boys I'm called Peniculus the sponge,
For at the table, I can wipe all platters clean.
[A philosophical discourse] THe kind of men who bind their prisoners with chains,
Or clap the shackles on a slave that's run away, 80
All acting very foolishly-in my own view.
If you compound the wretchedness of some poor wretch,
Why, all the more he'll long to flee and do some wrong.
For one w~y or another, he'll get off those chains.
The shackled men will wear the ring down with a file,
Or smash the lock. This kind of measure is a joke.
But if you wish to guard him so he won't run off,
You ought to chain the man with lots of food and drink.
Just bind the fellow's beak right to a well-stocked table,
Provide the guy with eatables and drinkables, 90
Whatever he would like to stuff himself with every day.
He'll never flee, though wanted for a murder charge.
You'll guard with ease by using chains that he can chew.
The nicest thing about these chains of nourishment
The more you loosen them, the more they bind more tightly.
[End of discourse] I'm heading for Menaechmus; he's the man to whom
I've had myself condemned. I'm hoping that he'll chain me.
He doesn't merely feed men, he can breed men and
Indeed men are reborn through him. No doctor's better.
80 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
This is the sort of guy he is: the greatest eater,
His feasts are festivals. He piles the table 50,*
And plants so many platters in the neatest piles
To reach the top, you have to stand up on your couch.
And yet we've had an intermission for some days
And tabled at my table, I've expended it.
I never eat or drink-except expensively.
But now my army of desserts has been deserting me.
I've got to have a talk with him. But wait-the door!
Behold, I see Menaechmus himself now coming out.
Enter MENAECHMUS, still pacing indoors. berating someone. We will soon see that he is hiding a lady's dress under his usual garments
MENAECHMUS [singing, in anger at his wife in the house]. If
you weren't such a shrew, so uncontrolled, ungrateful too,"
Whatever thing your husband hated, you'd find hateful too.
And if you act up once again, the way you've acted up today,
I'll have you packed up-back to Daddy as a divorcee.
However often I try to go out you detain me, delay me,
demand such details as
Where I'm going, what I'm doing, what's my business all about,
Deals I'm making, undertaking, what I did when I was out.
I don't have a wife, I have a customs office bureaucrat,
For I must declare the things I've done, I'm doing, and all that!
All the luxuries you've got have spoiled you rotten.
I want to live for what I give:
Maids and aides, a pantry full,
Purple clothing, gold and wool:
You lack for nothing money buys.
So watch for trouble if you're wise;
A husband hates a wife who spies.
But so you won't have watched in vain, for all your diligence and care,
100
no
no
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
I'll tell you: 'Wench to lunch today, lovely dinner off somewhere.'
PENICULUS. The man now thinks he hurts his wife; it's me he hurts:
By eating dinner somewhere else, he won't give me my just desserts!
MENAECHMUS [looks into house, satisfied, then turns to audience with a big grin]. My word barrage has put the wife in full retreat. It's victory!
Now where are all the married 'lovers'? Pin your medals right on me.
Come honour me en masse. Look how I've battled with such guts,
And look, this dress I stole inside-it soon will be my little slut's.
I've shown the way: to fool a guard both hard and shrewd takes aptitude.
Oh, what a shining piece of work! What brilliance, glitter, glow and gloss!
I've robbed a rat-but lose at that, for my own gain is my own loss!
[Indicates the dress] Well, here's the booty-there's my foes, and to IlJ-Y ally-now it goes.
PENICULUS. Hey, young man! Does any of that stolen booty go to me?
MENAECHMUS. Lost-I'm lost-and caught in crime!
PENICULUS. Oh, no, you're found-and found in time.
MENAECHMUS. Who is that?
PENICULUS. It's me.
MENAECHMUS. Oh, you-my Lucky
Charm, my Nick-of-Time!
Greetings. [Rushes to him; they shake hands vigorously]
PENICULUS. Greetings.
MENAECHMUS. Whatcha doing?
PENICULUS. Shaking hands with my good-luck charm.
MENAECHMUS. Say-you couldn't come more rightly right on time than you've just come.
PENICULUS. That's my style: I know exactly how to pick the nick of time.
MENAECHMUS. Want to see a brilliant piece of work?
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
PENICULUS. What cook concocted it?
Show me just a titbit and l'll know if someone bungled it.
MENAECHMUS. Tell me, have you ever seen those frescos painted on the wall.
Ganymede snatched by the eagle,
Venus... likewise... with Adonis?
PENICULUS. Yes, but what do those damn pictures have to do with me?
MENAECHMUS. Just look.
[He strikes a pose, showing off his dress]
Notice something similar?
PENICULUS. What kind of crazy dress is that?
MENAECHMUS [very fey]. Tell me that I'm so attractive.
PENICULUS. Tell me when we're going to eat.
MENAECHMUS. First you tell me
PENICULUS. Fine, I'll tell you: you're attractive. So attractive.
MENAECHMUS. Don't you care to add a comment?
PENICULUS [a breath]. Also witty. Very witty.
MENAECHMUS. More!
PENICULUS. No more, by Hercules, until I know what's in it for me. 150
Since you're warring with your wife, 1 must be wary and beware.
MENAECHMUS. Hidden from my wife we'll live it up and burn 152-3
this day to ashes.
PENICULUS. Now you're really talking sense. How soon do I ignite the pyre?
Look-the day's half dead already, right to near its belly button.
MENAECHMUS. You delay me by interrupting
PENICULUS. Knock my eyeball through my ankle,
Mangle me, Menaechmus, if I fail to heed a single word.
MENAECHMUS. Move-we're much too near my house.
[Tiptoes to centre stage. motions to PENICULUS
PENICULUS [follows MENAECHMUS]. Okay.
MENAECHMUS [moves more. motions]. We're still too near.
PENICULUS [follows]. How's this?
MENAECHMUS. Bolder, let's go further from the bloody
mountain lion's cave.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
PENICULUS. Pollux! You'd he perfect racing chariots-the way you act. 160
MENAECHMUS. Why?
PENICULUS. You're glancing back to see if she's there, riding after you.
MENAECHMUS. All right, speak your piece.
PENlCULUS. My piece? Whatever piece you say is fine.
MENAECHMUS. How are you at smells? Can you conjecture from a simple sniff?
PENICULUS. Sir, my nose knows more than all the city prophets.*
MENAECHMUS. Here now, sniff this dress I hold. What do you smell? You shrink?
PENICULUS. -When it comes to women's garments, prudence bids us smell the top.
Way down there, the nose recoils at certain odours quite unwashable. *
MENAECHMUS. All right, smell up here, you're such a fussy one.
PENICULUS. All right, I sniff.
MENAECHMUS. Well? What do you smell? Well
PENICULUS [quickly]. Grabbing, grubbing, rub-a-dub dubbing." 170
Hope I'm right.
MENAECHMUS. I hope so too....
Now I'll take this dress to my beloved wench, Erotium,
With the order to prepare a banquet for us both.
PENICULUS. Oh, good!
MENAECHMUS. Then we'll drink, we'll toast until tomorrow's morning star appears. 175
PENICULUS. Good, a perfect plan! May I proceed to pound the portals?
MENAECHMUS. Pound.
No no-wait!
PENICULUS. Why wait? The flowing bowl's more than a mile away!
MENAECHMUS. Pound politely.
PENICULUS. Why? You think the door is made of pottery?
MENAECHMUS. Wait wait wait, by Hercules. She's coming 179-80 out. Oh, see the sun!
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
How the sun's eclipsed by all the blazing beauty from her body.
Grand entrance of ERonUM from her house
EROTIUM [to MENAECHMUS]. Greetings, 0 my only soul!
PENICUlUS. And me?
EROTIUM [to PENICULUS]. Not on my list at all.
PENICUlUS. Such is life for us unlisted men-in every kind of war.
MENAECHMUS [to snorruw]. Darling, at your house today, prepare a little battleground.
ERonUM. So I will.
MENAECHMUS. We'll hold a little drinking duel, [indicating PENICUlUS] the two of us.
Then the one who proves the better fighter with the flowing bowl,
He's the one who'll get to join your company for night manoeuvres.
[Getting more enthusiastic] Oh, my joy! My wife, my wife!
When I see you-how I hate her!
EROTIUM [sarcastically]. Meanwhile, since you hate your wife,
you wear her clothing, is that it? I90
What have you got on?
MENAECHMUS. It's just a dress addressed to you, sweet rose.
EROTIUM. You're on top, you outtop all the other men who try for me."
PENICUlUS [aside]. Sluts can talk so sweet, while they see
something they can snatch from you.
[To EROTIUM] If you really loved him, you'd have smooched his nose right off his face.
MENAECHMUS. Hold this now, Peniculus; religion bids me make redress.
PENICUlUS. Fine, but while you've got a skirt on, why not pirouette a bit?
MENAECHMUS. Pirouette? By Hercules, you've lost your mind!
PENICUlUS. Not more than you.
Take it off-if you won't dance.
MENAECHMUS [To EROTIUM].
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
What risks I ran in stealing this!
Hercules in labour number nine was not as brave as I, 200
When he stole the girdle from that Amazon Hippolyta.
Take it, darling, since you do your duties with such
diligence.*
ERonUM. That's the spirit. Lovers ought to learn from you
the way to love.
PENICUlUS [to the audience]. Sure, that way to love's the
perfect short cut to a bankruptcy.
MENAECHMUS. Just last year I bought my wife this dress. It
cost two hundred drachmae.
PENICULUS [to the audience]. Well, there goes two hundred
drachmae down the drain, by my accounts.
MENAECHMUS [to EROTIUM]. Want to know what I would like prepared?
ERonUM. I know, and I'll prepare it.
MENAECHMUS. Please arrange a feast at your house; have it
cooked for three of us.
Also have some very special party foods bought in the forum:
Glandiose, whole-hog and a descendant of the lardly ham. no
Or perhaps some pork chopettes, or anything along those lines.* ,
Let whatever's served be stewed, to make me hungry as a
hawk.
Also hurry up.
ERonUM. I will.
MENAECHMUS. Now we'll be heading to the forum.
We'll return at once and, while the dinner's cooking, we'll
be drinking.
ERonUM. When you feel like it, come. It will be all prepared.
MENAECHMUS. And quickly too.
[To PENICULUS] Follow mePENICULUS. By Hercules, I'll follow you in every way.
No, I'd lose the gods' own gold before Ilose your track today.
[MENAECHMUS and PENICULUS
exit toward the forum
EROTIUM. Someone call inside and tell my cook Cylindrus to
come out.
86 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
CYLINDRUS enters from EROTIUM'S house
Take a basket and some money. Here are several coins for
you.
CYLINDRUS. Got 'em.
EROTlUM. Do your shopping. See that there's enough for three of us, 220
Not a surplus or a deficit.
CYLINDRUS. What sort of guests, madam?
EROTIUM. I, Menaechmus, and his parasite.
CYLINDRUS. That means I cook for ten:
By himself that parasite can eat for eight with greatest ease.
EROTIUM. That's the list. The rest is up to you.
CYLINDRUS. Consider it as cooked already.
Set yourself at table.
ERonUM. Come back quickly.
CYLINDRUS [starting to trot off]. I'm as good as back.
[He exits]
From the exit nearer the harbour enters the boy from Syracuse-MENAEcHMUS n-accompanied by his slave MESSENIO. As chance [i.e. the playwright] would have it, the twin is also wearing the exact same outfit as his long-lost brother. Several sailor types carry their luggage
MENAECHMUS II. Oh, joy, no greater joy, my dear Messenio,
Than for a sailor when he's on the deep to see
Dry land.
MESSENIO. It's greater still, if Imay speak my mind,
To see and then arrive at some dry land that's home.
But tell me, please-why have we come to Epidamnus?* 230
Why have we circled every island like the sea?
MENAECHMUS II [pointedly, melodramatically]. We are in
search of my beloved long-lost twin.
MESSENIO. But will there ever be a limit to this searching?
It's six entire years since we began this job.
Through Istria, Iberia, Illyria,
The Adriatic, up and down, exotic Greece, *
And all Italian towns. Wherever sea went, we went!
I frankly think if you were searching for a needle,
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
You would have found it long ago, if it existed.
We seek and search among the living for a dead man. 240
We would have found him long ago if he were living.
MENAECHMUS II. But therefore I search on till I can prove the
fact;
If someone says he knows for sure my brother's dead,
I'll stop my search and never try an instant further.
But otherwise, I'll never quit while I'm alive,
For I alone can feel how much he means to me.
MESSENIO. You seek a pin in haystacks. Let's go home. Unless we're doing this to write a travel book.
MENAECHMU$ II [losing his temper]. Obey your orders, eat
what's served you, keep from mischief!
And don't annoy me. Do things my way.
MESSENIO. Yessir, yessir. 250
I get the word. The word is simple: I'm a slave.
Concise communication, couldn't be much clearer.
[A chastened pause, then back to harping at his master]
But still and all, Ijust can't keep from saying this:
Menaechmus, when I inspect our purse, it seems
We're travelling for summer-very, very light.
By Hercules, unless you go home right away,
While you- search on still finding no kin ... you'll be 'bro-kin'. *
Now here's the race of'men you'll find in Epidamnus:
The greatest libertines, the greatest drinkers too,
The most bamboozlers and charming flatterers 260
Live in this city. And as for wanton women, wellNowhere in the world, I'm told, are they more dazzling.
Because of this, they call the city Epidamnus,
For no one leaves unscathed, 'undamaged', as it were."
MENAECHMUS II. Oh, I'll have to watch for that. Give me the purse.
MESSENIO. What for?
MENAECHMUS II. Because your words make me afraid
of you.
MESSENIO. Of me?
MENAECHMUS II. That you might cause ... Epidamnation
for me.
88 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
You love the ladies quite a lot, Messenio.
And I'm a temperamental man, extremely wild.
If I can hold the cash, it's best for both of us. 270
Then you can do no wrong, and I can't yell at you.
MESSENIO [giving the purse]. Take it, sir, and guard it; you'll be doing me a favour.
Re-enter cook CYLINDRUS, his basket full of goodies
CYLINDRUS. I've shopped quite well, and just the sort of things
I like.
I know I'll serve a lovely dinner to the diners.
But look-l see Menaechmus. Now my back is dead!*
The dinner guests are strolling right outside our door
Before I even finish shopping. Well, I'll speak.
[Going up to MENAECHMUS II
Menaechmus, sir ...
MENAECHMUS II. God love you-God knows who you are.
CYLlNDRUS [thinks it's a joke]. Who am l? Did you really say you don't know me?
MENAECHMUS II. By Hercules, I don't.
CYLINDRUS. Where are the other guests? 280
MENAECHMUS II. What kind of other guests?
CYLINDRUS. Your parasite, that is.
MENAECHMUS n, My parasite? [To MESSENIO] The man is
simply raving mad.
MESSENIO. I told you there were great bamboozlers in this
town.
MENAECHMUS II [to CYLINDRUS, playing it cool]. Which
parasite of mine do you intend, young man?
CYLINDRUS. The Sponge.
MENAECHMUS II [iocular, points to luggage]. Indeed, my
sponge is here inside my bag.
CYLINDRUS. Menaechmus, you've arrived too early for the
dinner.
Look, I've just returned from shopping.
MENAECHMUS II. Please, young man,
What kind of prices do you pay for sacred pigs,*
The sacrificial kind?
CYLINDRUS. Not much.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MENAECHMUS II. Then take this coin, 290
And sacrifice to purify your mind at my expense.
Because I'm quite convinced you're absolutely raving mad
To bother me, an unknown man who doesn't know you.
CYLINDRUS. You don't recall my name? Cylindrus, SIr,
Cylindrus!
MENAECHMUS II. Cylindrical or Cubical, just go away.
Not only don't I know you, I don't want to know you.
CYLINDRUS. Your name's Menaechmus, sir, correct?
MENAECHMUS II. As far as I know.
You're sane enough to call me by my rightful name.
But tell me how you know me.
CYLINDRUS. How I know you? ... Sir-
[Discreetly, but pointedly] You have a mistress ... she owns me ... Erotium? 300
MENAECHMUS II. By Hercules, I haven't-and I don't know
you.
CYLINDRUS. You don't know me, a man who many countless
times
Refilled your bowl when you were at our house?
MESSENIO. Bad luck!
I haven't got a single thing to break the fellow's skull with.
[To CYLlNDRUS] Refilled the bowl? The bowl of one who
till this day
Had never been in Epidamnus?
CYLINDRUS [to MENAECHMUS II]. You deny it?
MENAECHMUS II. By Hercules, I do.
CYLINDRUS [points across stage]. And I suppose that house
Is not your house?
MENAECHMUS II. God damn the people living there!
CYLlNDRUS [to audience]. Why, he's the raving lunatic-he
cursed himself! 310
MenaechmusMENAECHMUS II. Yes, what is it?
CYLlNDRUS. Do take my advice,
And use that coin you promised me a while ago,
And since, by Hercules, you're certainly not sane,
I mean, Menaechmus, since you just now cursed yourselfGo sacrifice that sacred pig to cure yourself.
9° THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MENAECHMUS II. By Hercules, you talk a lot-and you annoy
me.
CYLINDRUS [embarrassed, to audience]. He acts this way a
lot with me-he jokes around.
He can be very funny if his wife is gone.
[To MENAECHMUS] But now, what do you say?
MENAECHMUS II. To what?
CYLINDRUS [showing basket]. Is this enough?
I think I've shopped for three of you. Do I need more 320
For you, your parasite, your girl?
MENAECHMUS II. What girls? What girls?
What parasites are you discussing?
MESSENIO [to CYLINDRUS J. And what madness
Has caused you to be such a nuisance?
CYLlNDRUS [to MESSENIO]. What do you want now?
I don't know you. I'm chatting with a man I know.
MESSENIO [to CYLlNDRUS]. By Pollux, it's for sure you're not
exactly sane. 325
CYLINDRUS [abandons the discussion]. Well then, I guess I'll
stew these up. No more delay.
Now don't you wander off too far from here.
[bowing to MENAECHMUS]. Your humble servant.
MENAECHMUS II [half aside]. If you were, I'd crucify you!
CYLINDRUS. Oh, take a cross yourself-cross over and come
rnWhilst I apply Vulcanic arts to all the party's parts.* 330
I'll go inside and tell Erotium you're here.
Then she'll convince you you'll be comfier inside.
[Exit
MENAECHMUS II [stage whisper to MESSENIO]. Well-has he
gone?
MESSENIO. He has.
MENAECHMUS II. Those weren't lies you told.
There's truth in every word of yours.
MESSENIO [his shrewd conclusion]. Here's what I think:
I think the woman living here's some sort of slut. 335
That's what I gathered from that maniac who left.
MENAECHMUS II. And yet I wonder how that fellow knew my
name.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MESSENIO. Well, I don't wonder. Wanton women have this
way:
They send their servants or their maids to port 340
To see if some new foreign ship's arrived in port.
To ask around, 'Where are they from? What are their
names?'
Right afterward, they fasten on you hard and fast.
They tease you, then they squeeze you dry and send you
home.
Right now, I'd say a pirate ship is in this port
And I would say we'd better both beware of it. 345
MENAECHMUS II. By Hercules, you warn me well.
MESSENIO. I'll know I have
If you stay well aware and show I've warned you well.
MENAECHMUS II. Be quiet for a minute now; the door just
creaked.
Let's see who comes out now.
MESSENIO. I'll put the luggage down.
[To the sailors]. Me hearties, if you please, please guard
this stuff for us. 350
EROTlUM appears, in a romantic mood, singing
EROTIUM.
Open my doors, let my welcome be wide,
Then hurry and scurry-c-ger ready inside.
See that the incense is burning, the couches have covers.
Alluring decor is exciting for lovers.
Lovers love loveliness, we don't complain; their loss is our
gain.
But the cook says someone was out here-[looks] I see!
It's that man of great worth-who's worth so much to me.
I ought to greet him richly-as he well deserves to be.
Now I'll go near, and let him know I'm here. - 360
[To MENAECHMUS]. My darling-darling, it's a mite amazing
To see you standing out-of-doors by open doors.
You know full well how very much my house is yours.
All you ordered we're supplied with,
92 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
All your wishes are complied with.
So why stay here, why delay here? Come inside with ... me.
Since dinner's ready, come and dine, 367
As soon as suits you, come ... recline. 368
[To say the very least, MENAECHMUS II is
stunned. After a slight pause, he regains his
powers of speech
MENAECHMUS II [to MESSENIO]. Who's this woman talking
to?
EROTIUM. To you.
MENAECHMUS II. To me?
What have we-?
EROTIUM. By Pollux, you're the only one of all my lovers 370
Venus wants me to arouse to greatness. You deserve it,
too.
For, by Castor, thanks to all your gifts, I've flourished like
a flower.
MENAECHMUS II [aside to MESSENIO]. She is surely very mad
or very drunk, Messenio.
Speaking to a total stranger like myself so ... sociably.
MESSENIO. Didn't I predict all this? Why, these are only falling
leaves. -
Wait three days and I predict the trees themselves will drop
on you.
Wanton women are this way, whenever they can sniff some
silver.
Anyway, I'll speak to her. [To EROTIUM] Hey, woman there.
EROTlUM [with hauteur]. Yes, can I help you?
MESSENIO. Tell me where you know this man from.
EROTIUM. Where? Where he knows me for years.
Epidamnus.
MESSENIO. Epidamnus, where he's never set a foot, 380
Never been until today?
EROTIUM [laughing]. Aha-you're making jokes with me.
Dear Menaechmus, come inside, you'll see that things ...
will pick up righr.
MENAECHMUS II [to MESSENIO]. Pollux, look, the creature
called me by my rightful name as well.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS 93
How I wonder what it's all about.
MESSENIO. The perfume from your purse.
That's the answer.
MENAECHMUS II. And, by Pollux, you did warn me
rightfully. 385
[Gives purse back to MESSENIO
Take it then. I'll find out if she loves my person or my
purse.
EROTIUM. Let's go in, let's dine.
MENAECHMUS II [declining]. That's very nice of you.
Thanks just the same.
EROTIUM. Why on earth did you command a dinner just a
while ago?
MENAECHMUS II. I commanded dinner?
EROTlUM. Yes. For you, and for your parasite.
MENAECHMUS II. What the devil parasite? [Aside]This woman's
certainly insane. 390
EROTIUM. Your old sponge, Peniculus.
MENAECHMUS II. A sponge-to clean
your shoes, perhaps?
EROTIUM. No, of course-the one that came along with you
a while ago.
When you "brought the dress you'd stolen from your wife
to give to me.
MENAECHMUS II. Are you sane? I gave a dress I'd stolen from
my wife to you?
[To MESSENIO]. Like some kind of horse this woman's fast
asleep still standing up. 395
EROTIUM. Do you get some pleasure making fun of me,
denying things,
Things completely true?
MENAECHMU5 II. What do you claim I've done
that I deny?
EROTIUM. Robbed your wife and gave the dress to me.
MENAECHMUS u. That I'll deny again!
Never have I had or do I have a wife, and never have I
Ever set a single foot inside that door, since I was born. 400
I had dinner on my ship, then disembarked and met you
EROTIUM. Oooh!
Pity me-what shall I do? What ship is this?
94 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MENAECHMUS II. A wooden one,
Much repaired, re-sailed, re-beamed, re-hammered and rep
nailed and such.
Never did a navy have so numerous a nail supply.
ERonUM. Please, my sweet, let's stop the jokes and go inside
together ... mmmm? 4°5
MENAECHMUS II. Woman, you want someone else. I mean
... I'm sure you don't want me.
ERonUM. Don't I know you well, Menaechmus, know your
father's name was Moschus?
You were born, or so they say, in Syracuse, in Sicily,
Where Agathocles was king, and then in turn, King Phintia," 409-IQ
Thirdly, King Liparo, after whom King Riera got the crown.
Now it's still King Hiero.
MENAECHMUS II [to MESSENIO]. Say, that's not inaccurate.
MESSENIO. By JoveIf she's not from Syracuse, how does she know the facts so
well?
MENAECHMUS II [getting excited]. Hercules, I shouldn't keep
refusing her.
MESSENIO. Oh, don't you dare!
Go inside that door and you're a goner, sir.
MENAECHMUS II. Now you shut up!
Things are going well. Whatever she suggests-I'll just
agree.
Why not get a little ... hospitality? [to EROTlUM] Dear lady,
please I was impolite a while ago. I was a bit afraid that 4I9 -20
[indicating MESSENIO] He might go and tell my wife ...
about the dress .... about the dinner.
Now, when you would like, we'll go inside.
EROTIUM. But where's the parasite?
MENAECHMUS 11. I don't give a damn. Why should we wait
for him? Now if he comes,
Don't let him inside at all.
ERonUM. By Castor, I'll be happy not to.
Yet [playfully] there's something I would like from you.
MENAECHMUS II. Your wish is my command.
ERonUM. Bring the dress you gave me to the Phrygian
embroiderer.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS 95
Have him redesign it, add some other frills I'd like him to.
MENAECHMUS II. Hercules, a good idea. Because of all the
decoration,
When my wife observes you in the street, she won't know
what you're wearing.
EROTIUM. Therefore take it with you when you leave.
MENAECHMUS II. Of course, of course, of course. 430
EROTIUM. Let's go m.
MENAECHMUS II. I'll follow you. [Indicates MESSENlO]
] want a little chat with him.
[Exit ERonUM
Hey, Messenio, come here!
MESSENIO. What's up?
MENAECHMUS n. Just hop to my command.
MESSENIO. Can I help?
MENAECHMUS II. You can. [Apologetically] I know
you'll criticize
MESSENIO. Then all the worse.
MENAECHMUS II. Booty's in my hands. A fine beginning. You
continue, fastTake these fellows [indicating sailors] back to our lodging
tavern, quicker than a wink,
Then be sure you come to pick me up before the sun goes
down.
MESSENIO [protesting]. Master, you don't know about these
sluts
MENAECHMUS II. Be quiet! Just obey.
If I do a stupid thing, then I'll be hurting, not yourself.
Here's a woman stupid and unwitting, from what I've just
seen. 44°
Here's some booty we can keep.
MESSENIO. I'm lost. [Looks] Oh, has he gone? He's lost!
Now a mighty pirate ship is rowing off a shipwrecked skiff.
I'm the fool as ,well. I tried to argue down the man who
owns me.
But he bought me only as a sounding board, not to sound
off.
Follow me, you men [to the sailors], so I can come on
time-as I've been ordered.
[They exit
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
Stage empty for a moment [musical interlude?].
Enter PENICULUS-all upset
PENICULUS. More than thirty years I'm on this earth and
during all that time
Never till today have I done such a damned and dopey
deed!
Here I had immersed my whole attention in a public
meeting.
While I stood there gaping, that Menaechmus simply stole
away,
Went off to his mistress, I suppose, and didn't want me
there. 45°
Curse the man who was the first to manufacture public
meetings,
All designed to busy men already busy with their business.
They should choose the men who have no occupation for
these things,
Who, if absent when they're called, would face fantastic
fines-and fast.
Why, there's simply gobs of men who only eat just once a
day,
Who have nothing else to do; they don't invite, they're not
invited.
Make these people spend their time at public meetings and
assemblies.
If this were the case today, I'd not have lost my lovely
feast. 4
60
Sure as I'm alive, that man had really wished to feed me
well.
Anyhow, I'll go. The thought of scraps left over lights my
soul.
But-what's this? Menaechmus with a garland, coming from
the house?
Party's over, I'm arriving just in time to be too late!
First, I'll spy how he behaves and then I'll go accost the
man.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MENAECHMUS II wobbles happily out of
EROTIUM'S house, wearing a garland, and carrying
the dress earlier delivered by his brother
MENAECHMUS II [to EROTIUM]. Now, now, relax, you'll get
this dress today for sure,
Returned on time, with lovely new embroidery.
I'll make the old dress vanish-it just won't be seen.
PENICULUS [indignant, to the audience]. He'll decorate the
dress now that the dinner's done,
The wine's been drunk, the parasite left in the cold. 470
No, Hercules, I'm not myself, if not revenged,
If I don't curse h.im out in style. Just watch me now.
MENAECHMUS II [drunk with joy-and a few other things]. By 473-4
all the gods, what man in just a single day
Received more pleasures, though expecting none at all:
I've wined, I've dined, I've concubined, and robbed her
blind. No one but me will own this dress after today!
PENICULUS. I just can't bear to hide and hear him prate like
this.
Smug and satisfied, he prates about my party.
MENAECHMUS II. She says I gave her this-and tells me that
I stole it 480
I stole it from my wife! [Confidentially) I knew the girl was
wrong,
Yet I pretended there was some affair between us two.
Whatever she proposed, I simply said, 'Yes, yes,
Exactly, what you say.' What need of many words?
I've never had more fun at less expense to me.
PENICULUS. Now I'll accost the man, and make an awful
fuss.
MENAECHMUS II. Now who's this fellow coming toward me?
PENICULUS [in a fury]. Well, speak up!
You lighter than a feather, dirty, rotten person,
You evil man, you tricky, worthless individual!
What did I ever do to you that you'd destroy me? 490
You stole away from me, when we were in the forum;
You dealt a death blow to the dinner in my absence!
97
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
How could you dare? Why, I deserved an equal part!
MENAECHMUS II. Young man, please indicate precisely what
you want from me.
And why you're cursing someone you don't know at all.
Your dressing-down of me deserves a beating-up!
PENICULUS. By Pollux, you're the one who beat me out, just
now.
MENAECHMUS II. Now please, young man, do introduce
yourself at least.
PENICULUS. And now insult to injury! You don't know me?
MENAECHMUS II. By Pollux, no, I don't, as far as I can tell. 500
I've never seen you, never met you. Whoever you are. At least behave, and don't be such a nuisance to me.
PENICULUS. Wake up, Menaechmus!
MENAECHMUS II. I'm awake-it seems to me.
PENlCULUS. And you don't recognize me?
M£NAECHMUS II. Why should I deny it?
PENICULUS. Don't recognize your parasite?
MENAECHMUS II. My dear young man,
It seems to me your brain is not so very sane.
PENICULUS. Just answer this: did you not steal that dress
today?
It was your wife's. You gave it to Erotium.
MENAECHMUS [I. By Hercules, I have no wife. Erotium?
I gave her nothing, didn't steal this dress. You're mad. 510
PENICULUS [to audience]. Total disaster! [To MENAECHMUS
II] But I saw you wear that dress
And, wearing it, I saw you leave your house.
MENAECHMUS 11. Drop dead!
You think all men are fags because you are?
You claim I actually put on a woman's dress!
PENICULUS. By Hercules, I do.
MENAECHMUS II. Oh, go where you belong!
Get purified or something, raving lunatic!
PENICULU$. By Pollux, all the begging in the world won't
keep me
From telling every single detail to your wife.
Then all these present insults will rebound on you. 520
You've gobbled up my dinner-and I'll be revenged!
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
[He storms into MENAECHMUS' house
MENAECHMUS II. What's going on? Everyone I run across
Makes fun of me ... but why? Oh, wait, the door just
creaked.
Enter EROTIUM'S MAID, a sexy little thing.
She carries a bracelet
MAlO. Menaechmus, your Erorium would love a favour. Please, while you're at it, take this to the goldsmith for her 525
And have him add about an extra ... ounce ... of gold,
So that the bracelet is remodelled, shining new.
MENAECHMUS II [ironically]. I'm happy to take care of both
these things for her,
And any other thing that she'd like taken care of.
MAID. You recognize the bracelet?
MENAECHMUS II. Uh-I know it's gold. 530
MAID. This very bracelet long ago was once your wife's,
And secretly you snatched it from her jewel box.
MENAECHMUS II. By Hercules, I never did.
MAlO. You don't recall?
Return the bracelet, if you don't remember.
MENAECHMUS II. Wait!
I'm starting to remember. Why, of course I gave it. 535
Now where are those two armlets that I gave as well?
MAID. You never did.
MENAECHMUS 11. Of course, by Pollux-this was all.
MAID. Will you take care of things?
MENAECHMUS II [ironically]. I said I'd take good care.
I'll see that dress and bracelet are both carried back together. 539-
MAlO [the total coquette]. And, dear Menaechmus, how about 40
a gift for me?
Let's say four drachmae's worth of jingly earrings?
Then when you visit us, I'll really welcome you.
MENAECHMUS II. Of course. Give me the gold, I'll pay the
labour costs.
MAID. Advance it for me, afterwards I'll pay you back.
MENAECHMUS II. No, you advance it, afterwards I'll double
it.
MAID. J haven't got it.
99
IOO THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MENAECHMUS II. If you ever get it-give it.
MAID [frustrated, she bows]. I'm at your service.
[Exit
MENAECHMUS II. I'll take care of all of this
As soon as possible, at any cost--I'll sell them.
Now has she gone? She's gone and closed the door behind
her. 550
The gods have fully fostered me and favoured me unfailingly!
But why do I delay? Now is the perfect chance,
The perfect time to flee this prostitutish place.
Now rush, Menaechmus, lift your foot and lift the pace!
I'll take this garland off, and toss it to the left,
So anyone who follows me will think I'm that away.
I'll go at once and find my slave, if possible,
And tell him everything the gods have given me today.*
[Exit
From MENAECHMUS' house enter PENICULUS
and MENAECHMUS' WIPE
WIFE [melodramatic, a big sufferer]. Must I keep suffering
this mischief in my marriage?
Where husband sneaks and steals whatever's in the house 560
And takes it to his mistress?
PENICULUS. Can't you quiet down?
You'll catch him in the act, if you just follow me.
He's drunk and garlanded-at the embroiderer's,
Conveying that same dress he stole from you today.
Look-there's the garland. Do I tell you lies or truth?
He's gone in that direction; you can follow clues.
But wait-what perfect luck-he's come hack right now!
Without the dress.
WIFE. What should I do? How should I act with him?
PENICULUS. The very same as always: make him miserable.
But let's step over here-and spread a net for him. 570
Enter MENAECHMUS I
MENAECHMUS [singing]. We have this tradition, we have this
tradition, *
An irksome tradition, and yet it's the best
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
Who love this tradition much more than the rest.
They want lots of-clients. all want lots of clients.
Who cares if they're honest or not-are they rich?
Who cares if they're honest, we'll take them with zest. If they're rich.
IOI
If he's poor but he's honest-who cares for him?
He's dishonest but rich? Then we all say our prayers for
him.
So it happens that lawless, corrupting destroyers 580
Have overworked lawyers.
Denying what's done and delivered, this grasping and
fraudulent sort
Though their fortunes arise from exorbitant lies
They're all anxious to step into court. * 584a
When the day comes, it's hell for their lawyer as well,
For we have to defend things unjust and unpretty
To jury, to judge, or judicial committee.
So I just was delayed, forced to give legal aid, no evading
this client of mine who had found me.
I wanted to do you know what-and with whom-but he
bound me and tied ropes around me.
Facing the judges just now, I had countless despicable deeds
to defend. 590
Twisting torts with contortions of massive proportions,
I pleaded and pleaded right down to the end.
But just when an out-of-court settlement seemed to be
sealed-my client appealed!
I never had seen someone more clearly caught in the act:
For each of his crimes there were three who could speak to
the fact!
By all the heavens, cursed be he
Who just destroyed this day for me. 596
And curse me too, a fool today,
For ever heading forum's way. 597
The greatest day of all-destroyed.
The feast prepared, but not enjoyed. 598
I02 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
The wench was waiting too, indeed.
The very moment I was freed 599
I left the forum with great speed.
She's angry now, I'm sure of it. 600
The dress I gave will help a bit,
Taken from my wife today ... a token for Erotium.
[A pause. MENAECHMUS catches his
breath, still not noticing his WIFE or the
PARASITE, who now speaks
PENICULUS. Well, what say you to that?
WIFE. That I've married a rat.
PENICULUS. Have you heard quite enough to complain to
him?
WIFE. Quite enough.
MENAECHMUS. Now I'll go where the pleasures will flow.
PENICULUS. No, remain. Let's be flowing some pain to him.
WIFE. You'll be paying off at quite a rate for this!
PENICULUS [to wife]. Good, good attack!
WIFE. Do you have the nerve to think you'd get away with
secret smuggling?
MENAECHMUS. What's the matter, Wife?
WIFE. You're asking me?
MENAECHMUS [indicating PENICULUS]. Should I ask him
instead?
WIFE. Don't turn on the charm.
PENICULUS. That's it!
MENAECHMUS. But tell me what I've done to you.
Why are you so angry?
WIFE. You should know.
PENICULUS. He knows-and can't disguise it.
MENAECHMUS. What's the matter?
WIFE. Just a dress.
MENAECHMUS. A dress?
WIFE. A dress.
PENICULUS [to MENAECHMUS]. Aha, you're scared.
MENAECHMUS. What could I be scared of?
PENICULUS. Of a dress-and of a dressing-down. 610
You'll be sorry for that secret feast. [To WIFE] Go on,
attack again!
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS I03
MENAECHMUS. You be quiet.
PENICULUS. No, I won't. He's nodding to
me not to speak.
MENAECHMUS. Hercules, I've never nodded to you, never
winked at you! 613
PENICULUS. Nothing could be bolder: he denies it while he's
doing it!
MENAECHMUS. By Jove and all the gods I swear-is that
enough for you, dear Wife?-
Never did I nod to him.
PENICULUS [sarcastically]. Oh, she believes you. Now go back!
MENAECHMUS. Go back to what?
PENICULUS. Go back to the embroiderer's-r-and get the
dressl!
M£NAECHMUS. Get what dress?
PENICULUS. I won't explain, since he forgets his own ...
affairs. 619
WIFE. What a woeful wife I am.
MENAECHMUS [playing very naive]. Woeful wife? Do tell me
why? 614
Has a servant misbehaved, or has a maid talked back to
you? 620
Tell me, dear, we'll punish misbehavers.
WIFE. Oh, is that a joke.
MENAECHMUS. You're so angry. 1 don't like to see you angry.
WIFE. That's a joke!
MENAECHMUS. Someone from the household staff has angered
you.
WIFE. Another joke!
MENAECHMUS. Well, of course, it isn't me.
WIFE. Aha! At last he's stopped the jokes!
MENAECHMUS. Certainly I haven't misbehaved.
WIFE. He's making jokes again!
MENAECHMUS. Tell me, dear, what's ailing you?
PENICULUS. He's giving you a lovely line.
MENAECHMUS. Why do you annoy me? Did I talk to you?
[Throws a punch at PENICULUS
WIFE [to MENAECHMUS]. Don't raise your hand!
PENICULUS [to WIFE]. Let him have it! [To MENAECHMUS]
Now go eat your little feast while I'm not there.
104 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
Go get drunk, put on a garland, stand outside, and mock
me now!
MENAECHMUS. Pollux!I've not eaten any feast today-or been
in there. 630
PENICULUS. You deny it?
MENAECHMUS. I deny it all.
PENICULUS. No man could be more brazen.
Didn't I just see you here, all garlanded, a while ago?
Standing here and shouting that my brain was not exactly
sane?
And you didn't know me-you were just a stranger here in
town!
MENAECHMUS. I've been absolutely absent, since the second
we set out.
PENICULUS. I know you. You didn't think that I could get
revenge on you.
All has been recounted to your wife.
MENAECHMUS. What 'all'?
PENICULUS. Oh, I don't know.
Ask her for yourself.
MENAECHMUS. Dear Wife, what fables has this man
been telling?
What's the matter? Why are you so silent? Tell me.
WIFE. You're pretending,"
Asking what you know.
MENAECHMUS. Why do I ask, then?
PENICULUS. What an evil man! 640
How he fakes. But you can't hide it, now the whole affair
is out.
Everything's been publicized by me.
MENAECHMUS. But what?
WIFE. Have you no shame?
Can't you tell the truth yourself? Attend me and please pay
attention:
I will now inform you what he told, and why I'm angry at
you.
There's a dress been snatched from me.
MENAECHMUS. There's a dress been snatched from me?
PENICULUS. Not from you, from her. [To WIFE] The evil man
resorts to every dodge.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS 105
[To MENAECHMUS] If the dress were snatched from you, it
really would be lost to us.
MENAECHMUS. You're not anything to me. [To WIFE] Go on,
my dear.
WIFE. A dress is gone.
MENAECHMUS. Oh-who snatched it?
WIFE. Pollux; who'd know better than the man himself?
MENAECHMUS. Who is this?
WIFE. His name's Menaechmus.
MENAECHMUS. Pollux, what an evil deed! 650
What Menaechmus could it be?
WIFE. Yourself.
MENAECHMUS. Myself?
WIFE. Yourself.
MENAECHMUS. Who says?
WIFE. I do.
PENICULUS. I do, too. And then you gave it to Erotium.
MENAECHMUS. 1 did?
WIFE. You, you, you!
PENICULUS. Say, would you like an owl for a pet. Just to parrot 'you you you'? The hath of us are all worn
out.
MENAECHMUS. By Jove and all the gods, I swear-is that
enough for you, dear Wife?-
No, I didn't give it to her."
PENICULUS. No, we know we tell the truth.
MENAECHMUS [backing down]. Well ... that is to say ... I
didn't give the dress. I loaned it to her.
WIFE. Oh, by Castor, do I give your tunics or your clothes
awayEven as a loan? A woman can give women's clothes away.
Men can give their own. Now will you get that dress back
home to me? 660
MENAECHMUS [cowed]. Yes, I'll ... get it hack.
WIFE. I'd say you'd better get it hack, or else.
Only with that dress in hand will you re-enter your own
house.
Now I'm going in.
PENICULUS [to WIFE]. But what of me-what thanks for all
my help?
I06 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
WIFE [sweetly bitchy]. I'll be glad to help you out-when
someone steals a dress from you.
PENICULUS. That'll never happen. I don't own a single thing
to steal.
Wife and husband-curse you both. I'll hurry to the forum
now.
I can very clearly see I've been expelled from this whole
house.
[He storms off
MENAECHMUS. Hah-my wife thinks that she hurts me, when
she shuts the door on me.
But, as far as entering, I've got another, better place.
[To WIFE'S door] You don't like me. I'll live through it
since Erotium here does. 670
She won't close me out, she'll close me tightly in her arms,
she will.
I'll go beg the wench to give me back the dress I just now
gave,
Promising another, better one. [Knocks] Is there a doorman
here?
Open up! And someone ask Erotium to step outside.
EROTIUM steps outside her house
ERonUM. Who has asked for me?
MENAECHMUS. A man who loves you
more than his own self.
EROTIUM. Dear Menaechmus, why stand here outside? Come
m.
MENAECHMUS. Wait just a minute.
Can you guess what brings me here?
EROTIUM. I know-you'd like some ... joy with me.
MENAECHMUS. Well ... indeed, by Pollux. But-that dress I
gave to you just now.
Please return it, since my wife's discovered all in full detail.
I'll replace it with a dress that's twice the price, and as you
it. 680
EROTIUM. But I gave it to you for embroidery a moment
back,
With a bracelet you would bring the goldsmith for remodelling.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MENAECHMUS. What-you gave me dress and bracelet? No,
you'll find that isn't true.
No-I first gave you the dress, then went directly to the
forum.
Now's the very second I've returned.
EROTIUM. Aha-I see what's up.
Just because I put them in your hands-you're out to swindle
me.
MENAECHMUS. Swindle you? By Pollux, no! Why, didn't I
just tell you why?
Everything's discovered by my wife!
EROTIUM [exasperated]. I didn't ask you for it.
No, you brought it to me of your own free will-and as a
gift.
Now you want the dress right back. Well, have it, take it,
wear it! 690
You can wear it, or your wife-or lock it in your money
box. .
But from this day on you'll never set a foot inside my
house.
After all my loyal service, suddenly you find me hateful,
So you'll only have me now by laying cash right on the
line.
Find yourself some other girl to cheat the way you've cheated
me!
MENAECHMUS. Hercules, the woman's angry! Hey-please
wait, please listen to me-
[EROTIUM exits, slamming her door
Please come back! Please stay-oh, won't you do this favour
for me?
Well, she's gone-and closed the door. I'm universally kicked
out.*
Neither wife nor mistress will believe a single thing I say.
What to do? I'd better go consult some friends on what
they think. 700
I07
[Exit MENAECHMUS
A slight pause [musical interlude?]. Then enter
MENAECHMUS II from the opposite side of the
stage. He still carries the dress
r08 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MENAECHMUS II. I was a fool a while ago to give that purse
With all that cash to someone like Messenio.
I'm sure by now the fellow's 'oozing' in some dive.
WIFE enters from her house
WIFE. I'll stand on watch to see how soon my husband comes.
Why, here he is-I'm saved! He's bringing back the dress.
MENAECHMUS II. I wonder where Messenio has wandered
to....
WIFE. I'll go and greet the man with words that he deserves.
[To MENAECHMUS II] Tell me-are you not ashamed to
show your face,
Atrocious man-and with that dress?
MENAECHMUS II. I beg your pardon,
What seems to be the trouble, madam?
WIFE. Shame on you! 710
You dare to mutter, dare to speak a word to me?
MENAECHMUS II. Whatever have I done that would forbid
my talking?
WIFE. You're asking me? Oh, shameless, brazen, wicked man!
MENAECHMUS II [with quiet sarcasm]. Madam. do you have
any notion why the Greeks
Referred to Hecuba as ... female dog?
WIFE. I don't.
MENAECHMUS II. Because she acted just the way you're acting
now.
She barked and cursed at everyone who came in sight,
And thus the people rightly called her ... female dog.
WIFE. I simply can't endure all this disgracefulness. I'd even rather live my life ... a divorcee 720
Than bear the brunt of this disgracefulness of yours.
MENAECHMUS II. What's it to me if you can't stand your
married lifeOr ask for a divorce? Is it a custom here
To babble to all foreigners who come to town?
WIFE. 'To babble'? I won't stand for that. I won't! I won't!
I'll die a divorcee before I'd live with you.
MENAECHMUS II. As far as I'm concerned you can divorce
yourself,
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS r09
And stay a divorcee till Jupiter resigns his throne.
WIFE. Look-you denied you stole that dress a while ago,
And now you wave it at me. Aren't you ashamed? 730
MENAECHMUS II. By Hercules, you are a wild and wicked
woman!
You dare to claim this dress I hold was stolen from you?
Another woman gave it to me for ... repairs.
WIFE. By Castor-no, I'd better have my father come,
So I can tell him all of your disgracefulness.
[Calls in to one of her slaves] Oh, Decio-go find my
father. bring him here.
And tell my father the entire situation.
[To MENAECHMUS II]. I'll now expose all your disgracefulness.
MENAECHMUS II. You're sick!
All what disgracefulness?
WIFE. A dress-and golden bracelet.
You rob your legal wife at home and then you go 740
Bestow it on your mistress. Do I 'babble' truth?
MENAECHMUS II. Dear Madam, can you tell me please what
I might drink
To make your bitchy boorishness more bearable?
I've not the "slightest notion who you think I am.
I know you like I know the father-in-law of Hercules!" 745
WIFE. You may mock me, by Pollux, but you can't mock
him.
My father's coming. [To MENAECHMUS II] Look who's
coming, look who's coming;
You do know him.
MENAECHMUS II [ironically]. Of course, a friend of Agamemnon.*
I first met him the day I first met you-today.
WIFE. You claim that you don't know me. or my father? 750
MENAECHMUS II. And how about your grandpa-I don't know
him either.
WIFE. By Castor. you just never change, you never change!
{Enter the OLD MAN, MENAECHMUS' fatherin-law, groaning and wheezing
OLD MAN [to the audience, in halting song].
110 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
Oh, my old age, my oId age, I lack what I need,
I'm stepping unlively, unfast is my speed,
Bur it isn't so easy, I tell you, not easy indeed.
For I've lost all my quickness, old age is a sickness.
My body's a big heavy trunk, I've no strength.
Oh oh, old age is bad-no more vigour remains.
Oh, when old age arrives, it brings plenty of pains.
I could mention them all hut I won't talk at length. 760
But deep in my heart is this worry:
My daughter has sent for me now in a hurry.
She won't say what it is,
What it is I've not heard.
She just asked me to come, not explaining a word.
And yet I've a pretty good notion at that:
That her husband and she are involved in a spat.
Well, that's how it is always with big-dowry wives,"
They're fierce to their husbands, they order their lives.
But then sometimes the man is ... let's say ... not so pure.
There's limits to what a good wife can endure.
And, by Pollux, a daughter won't send for her dad. 770
Unless there's some cause, and her husband's been bad.
Well, anyway I can find out since my daughter is here.
Her husband looks angry. Just what I suspected, it's clear. 733-4
[The song ends. A brief pause]
I'll address her.
WIFE. I'll go meet him. Many greetings, Father dear.
OLD MAN. Same to you. I only hope I've come when all is
fine and dandy.
Why are you so gloomy, why does he stand off there,
looking angry?
Has there been some little skirmishing between the two of
you?
Tell me who's at fault, be brief. No lengthy arguments at
length.
WIFE. I've done nothing wrong, dear Father, you can be
assured of that. 780
But I simply can't go on and live with him in any way.
Consequently-take me home.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
OLD MAN. What's wrong?
WIFE. I'm made a total fool of.
OLD MAN. How and who?
WIFE. By him, the man you signed and
sealed to me as husband.
OLD MAN. Oh, I see, disputing, eh? And yet I've told you
countless times
Both of you beware, don't either one approach me with
complaints.
WIFE. How can I beware, when he's as bad as this?
OLD MAN. You're asking me?
WIFE. Tell me.
OLD MAN. Oh, the countless times I've preached on duty
to your husband:
Don't check what he's doing, where he's going, what his
business is.*
WIFE. But he loves a fancy woman right next door.
OLD MAN. He's very wise! 790
Thanks to all your diligence, I promise you, he'll love her
more. I
WIFE. But he also boozes there.
OLD MAN. You think you'll make him booze the less,
If he want~ to, anywhere he wants? Why must you be so
rash?
Might as well go veto his inviting visitors to dine,
Say he can't have guests at home. What do you women
want from husbands?
Servitude? Why, next you'll want him to do chores around
the house!
Next you'll order him to sit down with the maids and card
the wool!
WIFE. Father dear, I called you to support my cause, not help
my husband.
You're a lawyer prosecuting your own client.
OLD MAN. If he's wrong,
I'll attack him ten times harder than I'm now attacking
you. 800
Look, you're quite well dressed, well jewelled and well
supplied with food and maids.
III
II2 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
Being well off, woman, why, be wise, leave well enough
alone.
WIFE. But he filches all the jewels and all the dresses from the
house.
Stealing on the sly, he then bestows the stuff on fancy
women.
OLD MAN. Oh, he's wrong if he does that, but if he doesn't,
then you're wrong,
Blaming blameless men.
WIFE. He has a dress this very moment, Father,
And a bracelet he's brought from her because I've found
him out.
OLD MAN. Well, I'll get the facts, I'll go accost the man, and
speak to him.
[He puffs over to MENAECHMUS- II
Say, Menaechmus, tell me why you're muttering. I'll
understand.
Why are you so gloomy? Why is she so angry over there? 810
MENAECHMUS II. Whatever your name is, old man, and
whoever you are, ] swear by Jove supreme,
Calling all the gods to witness
OLD MAN. Witness for what, about what in the world?
MENAECHMUS II. Never ever did I hurt this woman now
accusing me of
Having sneaked into her house and filched this dress.
WIFE. He's telling lies!
MENAECHMUS II. If I've ever set a single foot inside that house
of hers, 815-16
Anxiously I long to be the very saddest man on earth.
OLD MAN. No, you can't be sane too long for that, to claim
you've not set foot
In the house you live in. Why, you're the very maddest
man on earth!
MENAECHMUS II. What was that, old man? You claim I live
right here and in this house? 820
OLD MAN. You deny it?
MENAECHMUS II. I deny it.
OLD MAN. Your denial isn't true.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
That's unless you moved away last night. Daughter, come
over here.
[Father and daughter walk aside;
OLD MAN whispers confidentially
Tell me-did you move away from here last night?
WIFE. Where to? What for?
OLD MAN. I don't know, by Pollux.
WIFE. He's just mocking you-or don't you get it?
OLD MAN. That's enough, Menaechmus, no more joking, now
let's tend to business.
MENAECHMUS II. Tell me, sir, what business do you have
with me? Just who are you?
What have I to do with you or-[points to WIFE] that one,
who is such a bother?
WIFE. Look-his eyes are getting green, a greenish colour's
now appearing
From his temples and his forehead. Look, his eyes are 829-30
flickering!
MENAECHMUS II [aside, to the audience]. Nothing could he
better. Since they both declare that l'm raving mad
I'll pretend I am insane, and scare them both away from
me.
[MENAECHMUS begins to 'go berserk']
WIFE. What a gaping mouth, wide open. Tell me what to do,
dear Father.
OLD MAN. Over here, dear Daughter, get as far as possible
from him.
MENAECHMUS II [caught up in his own act, <hearing'divine]
words]. Bacchus! Yo-he, Bacchus, in what forest do you
bid me hunt?
Yes, I hear you, but I can't escape from where I am just
now:
On my left I'm guarded by a very rabid female dog.
Right behind her is a goat who reeks of garlic, and this
goat has
Countless times accused a blameless citizen with perjury.*
OLD MAN [enraged]. You you you, I'll-
114 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MENAECHMUS II ['hearing']. What, Apollo? Now your oracle
commands me: 840
Take some hotly blazing torches, set this woman's eyes on
fire.
WIFE. Father, Father-what a threat! He wants to set my
eyes on fire!
MENAECHMUS II [aside, to audience]. They both say I'm crazy;
I know they're the really crazy ones!
OLD MAN. Daughter
WIFE. Yes?
OLD MAN. Suppose I go, and send some
servants here at once.
Let them come and take him off, and tie him up with ropes
at home.
Now-before he makes a bigger hurricane!
MENAECHMUS II. I'm caught!
I'll be taken off unless I find myself a plan right now.
[<Hearing oracle.' aloud] Yes, Apollo, 'Do not spare thy
fists in punching in her face?
That's unless she hurries out of sight and quickly goes to
hell!'
Yes, Apollo, I'll obey you.
OLD MAN. Run, dear Daughter-quickly home!
Otherwise, he'll pound you.
WIFE. While I run, please keep an eye on him.
See he doesn't get away. [A final groan] What wifely woe
to hear such things!
[Exit
MENAECHMUS II. Hah, not bad, I got her off. And now I'll
get this-poisoned person,
White-beard, palsied wreck. Tithonus was a youth compared
to him.*
[To 'Apollo1 What's my orders? Beat the fellow limb from
limb and bone from bone?
Use the very stick he carries for the job?
OLD MAN. I'll punish you if you try to touch me, if you try to get much closer to me!
MENAECHMUS II [to 'Apollo']. Yes, I'll do thy bidding: take
a double axe and this old fogey,
Chop his innards into little pieces, till I reach the bone?
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
OLD MAN [panicked]. Goodness, now's the time for me to be
on guard and very wary. 860
I'm afraid he'll carry out his threats and cause some harm
to me.
MENAECHMUS II [to <Apollo' again]. Dear Apollo, you command so much. I now must hitch up horses,
Wild, ferocious horses, and then mount up in my chariot,
Then to trample on this lion-creaking, stinking, toothless
lion?
Now I'm in the chariot, I've got the reins, I've got the
whip. 865
Up up up, ye steeds, now let us see the sound of horses'
hoofbeats. *
Quickly curve your course with splendid speed and swifty
swoop of steps.
OLD MAN. Threatening me with hitched-up horses?
MENAECHMUS n. Yea, Apollo, once again,
Now you bid me charge and overwhelm the man who's
standing here.
[Fakes Homeric divine intervention] But what's this? Who
takes me by the hair and hauls me from the car?* 870
Look, Apollo, someone's changing your command as spoke
to me! -
OLD MAN. By Hercules, he's sick, he's very sick. Ye gods!
And just a while ago, the man was very sane,
But suddenly this awful sickness fell on him.
I'll go and get a doctor-fast as possible.
[Exit at a senile sprint
MENAECHMUS II. Well, have they disappeared from sight, the
two of them,
Who forced a normal, healthy man to act insane?
I shouldn't wait to reach my ship while things are safe.
[To the audience] But, everybody, please-if that old man 879-80
returns,
Don't tell him, please, which street I took to get away.
[He dashes off-stage, toward the harbour
Enter OLD MAN, * tired, annoyed, complaining
OLD MAN. My limbs just ache from sitting and my eyes from
looking,
II6 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
While waiting for that doctor to leave office hours.
At last, unwillingly, he left his patients. What a bore!
He claims he'd set Asclepius' broken leg,
And then Apollo's broken arm. I wonder if
The man I bring's a doctor or a carpenter!
But here he's strutting now. [Calling off] Why can't you
hurry up?
Enter DOCTOR, the super professional
DOCTOR [right to the point}. What sort of illness does he
have? Speak up, old man.
Is he depressed, or is he frantic? Give the facts. * 890
Or is he in a coma? Has he liquid dropsy?
OLD MAN. But that's precisely why I've brought you-to tell
me. And make him well again.
DOCTOR. Of course. A snap.
He shall be well again. You have my word on that.
OLD MAN. I want him to be cared for with the greatest care.
DOCTOR. I'll sigh a thousand sighs, I'll take great pains with
him.
For you-I'll care for him with all the greatest care.
But here's the man himself; let's see how he behaves.
[They step aside to eavesdrop
From the forum side enter MENAECHMUS,
addressing himself in soliloquy
MENAECHMUS. Pollux, what a day for me: perverted and
inverted too.
Everything I plotted to be private's now completely public. 900
My own parasite has filled me full of fearful accusations!
My Ulysses, causing so much trouble for his royal patron!-
If I live, I'll skin him live. I'll cut off all his livelihood.
What a foolish thing to say. What I call his is really mine.
My own food and fancy living nurtured rum. I'll starve him
now.
And my slut has been disgraceful. Typical of slutitude.
All I did was ask her to return the dress to give my wife.
She pretends she gave it to me. Pollux, I'm in awful shape!
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS II?
OLD MAN [To DOCTOR]. Did you hear his words?
DOCTOR [nods]. Admits his 'awful shape'.
OLD MAN. Go up to him.
DOCTOR [aloud]. Greetings, dear Menaechmus. Do you realize
that your cloak has slipped 9IO
Don't you know how dangerous that sort of thing is for
your health?
MENAECHMUS. Why not hang yourself?
OLD MAN [whispers to DOCTOR]. You notice anything?
DOCTOR.. Of course I do!
This condition couldn't be relieved with tons of hellebore.
[To MENAECHMUS, again]. Tell me now, Menaechmus.
MENAECHMUS. Tell what?
DOCTOR. Just answer what I ask.
Do you drink white wine or red?
MENAECHMUS. And why don't you go straight to hell?
DOCTOR. Hercules, I notice teeny traces of insanity.
MENAECHMUS. Why Dot ask
Do I favour purple bread, or pink or maybe even mauve?
Do I eat the gills of birds, the wings of fishes-?
OLD MAN. Oh, good grief!
Listen to his ravings, you can hear the words. Why wait at 9I9-20
all?
Give the man some remedy before the madness takes him
fully.
DOCTOR. Wait-I have more questions.
OLD MAN. But you're killing him with all this blah!
DOCTOR [to MENAECHMUS]. Tell me this about your eyes: at
times do they get glazed at all?
MENAECHMUS. What? You think you're talking to a lobster,
do you, rotten man!
DOCTOR [unfazed]. Tell me, have you ever noticed your
intestines making noise?
MENAECHMUS. When I've eaten well, they're silent; when I'm
hungry, they make noise.
DOCTOR. Pollux, that's a pretty healthy answer he just gave
to me.
[To MENAECHMUS]. Do you sleep right through till dawn,
sleep easily when you're in bed?
II8 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MENAECHMUS. I sleep through if all the debts lowe are paid. 929-3°
But listen you, you
Question-asker, you be damned by Jupiter and all the gods! 931-3
DOCTOR. Now I know the man's insane, those final words
are proof.
[To OLD MAN] Take care!
OLD MAN. He speaks like a Nestor now, compared to just a
while ago.*
Just a while ago he called his wife a rabid female dog.
MENAECHMUS. 1 said that?
OLD MAN. You're mad, I say.
MENAECHMUS. I'm mad?
OLD MAN. And do you know what else? You
Also threatened that you'd trample over me with teams of
horses!
Yes, I saw you do it. Yes, and I insist you did it, too. 939-40
MENAECHMUS [to OLD MAN]. You, of course, have snatched
the sacred crown of Jove, that's what I know.
Afterwards, they tossed you into prison for this awful crime.
When they let you out, while you were manacled, they beat
you up.
Then you killed your father. Then you sold your mother as
a slave.
Have you heard enough to know I'm sane enough to curse
you back?
OLD MAN. Doctor, please be quick and do whatever must be
done for him.
Don't you see the man's insane?
DOCTOR. I think the wisest thing for you is to
Have the man delivered to my office.
OLD MAN. Do you think?
DOCTOR. Of course.
There I'll treat him pursuant to diagnosis.
OLD MAN. As you say.
DOCTOR [to MENAECHMUS]. Yes, I'll have you drinking
hellebore for twenty days or so. 9 So
MENAECHMUS. Then I'll have you beaten hanging upside down
for thirty days.
DOCTOR [to OLD MAN]. Go and call for men who can deliver
him.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
OLD MAN. How many men?
DOCTOR. From the way he's acting, I'd say four, none less
could do the job.
OLD MAN [exiting]. They'll be here. You watch him, Doctor.
DOCTOR [anxious to retreat]. No, I think I'd best go home.
Preparations are in order for the case. You get the slaves.
Have them carry him to me.
OLD MAN. I will.
DOCTOR. I'm going now.
OLD MAN. Goodbye.
MENAECHMUS. Doctor's gone, father-in-law's gone. I'm now
alone. By Jupiter!-
What does all this mean? Why do these men insist that I'm
insane?
Really, I have not been sick a single day since I've been
born.
Nor am I insane, nor have I punched or fought with anyone. 960
Healthy, I see healthy people, only talk with folks I know.
Maybe those who wrongly say I'm mad are really mad
themselves.
What should I do now? My wife won't let me home, as I
would like.
[Pointing to EROTIUM'S house] No Ode will admit me there.
All's well-well out of hand, that is.*
Here I'm stuck. At least by night-I think-they'll let me
in my house.
[MENAECHMUS sits dejectedly in front of his
house, all wrapped up in his troubles
From the other side of the stage, enter MESSENIO singing about How to Succeed in slavery.
MESSENIO. If you should seek the proof of whether someone's
slave is good,
See does he guard his master's interest, serve right to the
letter
When Master is away-the way he should
If Master were at hand-or even better.
For if the slave is worthy, and he's well brought up, 971
He'll care to keep his shoulders empty-not to fill his cup. 970
His master will reward him. Let the worthless slave be told
120 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
The lowly, lazy louts get whips and chains,
And millstones, great starvation, freezing cold.
The price for all their misbehaviours: pains.
I therefore fully fear this fate and very gladly
Remain determined to be good-so I won't turn out badly.
I'd so much rather he bawled out than sprawled out on a
pillory,
I'd so much rather eat what's cooked than have some work
cooked up for me.
So I follow Master's orders, never argue or protest. 980
Let the others do it their way; I obey; for me, that's best.... *
But I haven't much to fear; the time is near for something
nice."
My master will reward his slave for 'thinking with his
hack'-and thinking twice.
Enter OLD MAN, leading four burly servants
OLD MAN. Now, by all the gods and men, I bid you all obey
my orders. 990
Be most careful so you'll follow what I've ordered and will
order.
Have that man picked up aloft, and carried to the doctor's
office.
That's unless you're not a bit concerned about your back
and limbs.
Every man beware. Don't pay attention to his threats of
violence.
But why just stand? Why hesitate? It's time to lift the man
aloft!
[Not very brave himself] And I'll head for the doctor's
_ office. I'll be there when you arrive.
MENAECHMUS [notices the charging mob]. I'm dead! What's
this? I wonder why these men are rushing swiftly toward
me?
Hey, men, what do you want? What are you after? Why
surround me now?
[They snatch up MENAECHMUS
Where are you snatching me and taking me? Won't someone
help me, please?
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS 121
o citizens of Epidamnus, rescue me! [To slaves] Please let
me 'go!
MESSENIO. By the immortal gods, what am I seeing with my
very eyes?
Some unknown men are lifting Master in the air. Outrageously!
MENAECHMUS. Won't someone dare to help?
MESSENIO. Me, me! I'll dare to help with derring-do!
o citizens of Epidamnus, what a dirty deed to Master!
Do peaceful towns allow a free-born tourist to be seized in
daylight?
[To slaves] You let him go!
MENAECHMUS [to MESSENIO]. Whoever you may be, please
help me out!
Don't allow this awful outrage to be perpetrated on me.
MESSENIO. Why, of course I'll help, and hustle hurriedly to
your defence.
Never would I let you down. I'd rather let myself down
first. IOIO
[To MENAECHMUS] Grab that fellow's eye-the one who's
got you by the shoulder now.
I can plough the other guys and plant a row of fists in them.
[To slaves} Hercules, you'll lose an awful lot by taking
him. Let go!
[A wild melee ensues]
MENAECHMUS [while fighting, to MESSENIO]. Hey, I've got his
eye.
MESSENIO. Then make the socket in his head appear!
Evil people! People snatchers! Bunch of pirates!
SLAVES [together]. Woe is us!
Hercules! No-please!
MESSENIO. Let go!
MENAECHMUS. What sort of handiwork is this?
Face a festival of fists.
MESSENIO. Go on, be gone, and go to hell!
[Kicking the slowest slave] You take that as your reward
for being last to get away.
[They are all gone. MESSENIO takes
a deep breath of satisfaction
122 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
Well, I've really made my mark-on every face I've faced
today.
Pollux, Master, didn't I come just in time to bring you aid! 1020
MENAECHMUS. Whoever you are, young man, I hope the gods
will always bring you blessings.
If it hadn't been for you, I'd not have lived to see the sunset.
MESSENIO. If that's true, by Pollux, then do right by me and
free me, Master.
MENAECHMUS. Free you? I?
MESSENIO. Of course. Because I saved you, Master.
MENAECHMUS. Listen here, you're
Wand'ring from the truth.
MESSENIO. I wander?
MENAECHMUS. Yes, I swear by Father Jove
I am not your master.
MESSENIQ [stunned]. Why proclaim such things?
MENAECHMUS. But it's no lie.
Never did a slave of mine serve me as well as you just did.
MESSENIO. If you're so insistent and deny I'm yours, then I'll
go free.
MENAECHMUS. Hercules, as far as I'm concerned, be free. Go
where you'd like.
MESSENIO. Am I really authorized?
MENAECHMUS. If I've authority for you. 1030
MESSENIO [dialogue with himself]. 'Greetings, patron.'- 'Ah,
Messenio, the fact that you're now free
Makes me very glad.'-'Well, I believe that's true.' [To
MENAECHMUS] But, patron dear,
You can have authority no less than when I was a slave.
I'll be glad to live with you, and when you go, go home
with you.
MENAECHMUS [doesn't want some strange person in his house].
Not at all, no thank you.
MESSENIO [jubilant]. Now I'll get our baggage at the inn. And, of course, the purse with all our money's sealed up in
the trunk
With our travel cash. I'll bring it to you.
MENAECHMUS [eyes lighting up at this]. Yes! Go quickly,
quickly!
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
M£SSENIO. I'll return it just exactly as you gave it to me.
Wait right here.
[MESSENIO dashes off toward the harbour]
MENAECHMUS [soliloquizing]. What unworldly wonders have
occurred today in wondrous ways:
People claim I'm not the man 1 am and keep me from their
houses. 1040
Then this fellow said he was my slave-and that I set him
free!
Then he says he'll go and bring a wallet full of money to
me. 1043
If he does, I'll tell him he can go quite freely where he'd
Iike. That's so when he's sane again he won't demand the money
back.
[Musing more] Father-in-law and doctor said I was insane.
How very strange.
All this business seems to me like nothing other than a
dream.
Now I'll go and see this harlot, though she's in a huff with
me.
Maybe I'll convince her to return the dress, which I'll take
home.
123
[He enters EROTlUM'S house
Enter MENAECHMUS II and MESSENIO
MENAECHMUS II [angry with MESSENIO]. Effrontery in front
of me! You dare to claim we've seen each other I050
Since I gave you orders that we'd meet back here?
M£SSENIO. But didn't I just
Snatch and rescue you from those four men who carried
you aloft
Right before this house? You called on all the gods and
men for aid.
I came running, snatched you from them, though with fists
they fought me back.
For this service, since I saved your life, you made a free
man of me.
I24 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
[RuefUlly] Now just when I said I'd get the cash and
baggage, you sped up and
Ran ahead to meet me, and deny you've done the things
you've done.
MENAECHMUS II. Free? I said you could go free?
MESSENIO. For sure.
MENAECHMUS II. Now look, for super-sure
I would rather make myself a slave than ever set you free.
MENAECHMUS I is pushed by EROTIUM
out of her house
MENAECHMUS I. If you would like to swear by your two eyes,
go right ahead, but still I060
You'll never prove that 1 absconded with your dress and
bracelet-[door slams] hussy!
MESSENIO [suddenly seeing double]. By the gods, what do I
see?
MENAECHMUS II. What do you see?
MESSENIO. Why-your reflection!
MENAECHMUS II. What?
MESSENIO. Your very image just as like yourself
as it could be.
MENAECHMUS II. Pollux-he's not unlike me ... I notice ...
similarities.
MENAECHMUS I [to MESSENIO]. Hey, young man, hello! You
saved my life-whoever you may be.
MESSENIO. You, young man, if you don't mind, would you
please tell me your name?
MENAECHMUS L Nothing you could ask would be too much
since you have helped me so.
My name is Menaechmus.
MENAECHMUS II. Ob, by Pollux, so is mine as well!
MENAECHMUS I Syracuse-Sicilian
MENAECHMUS II. That's my city, that's my country too!
MENAECHMUS L What is this I hear?
MENAECHMUS II. Just what is true.
MESSENIO [to MENAECHMUS II]. I know you-you're my
master!
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
[To audience] I belong to this man though I thought that
I belonged to that man.
[To MENAECHMUS I, the wrong man] Please excuse me, sir,
if I unknowingly spoke foolishly.
For a moment I imagined he was you-and gave him
trouble.
MENAECHMUS II. Madness, nothing but! [To MESSENIO] Don't
you recall that we were both together,
Both of us got off the ship today?
MESSENIO [thinking, realizing]. That's right. You're very right.
You're my master. [To MENAECHMUS I] Find another slave,
farewell. [To MENAECHMUS rr] And you, hello!
[Pointing to MENAECHMUS II] Him, I say, this man's
Menaechmus.
MENAECHMUS So am I!
MENAECHMUS II. What joke is this?
You're Menaechmus?
MENAECHMUS I. That I say I am. My farher's name
was Moschus.
MENAECHMUS II. You're the son of my own farher?
MENAECHMUS I. No, the son of my own father.
I'm nor anxious to appropriate your father or to steal him
from you.
MESSENIO. Gods in heaven, grant me now that hope unhoped for I suspect.
For, unless my mind has failed me, these two men are both
twin brothers.
Each man claims the selfsame fatherland and father for his
own.
I'll call Master over. O Menaechmus.
MENAECHMUS I and II [together]. Yes?
MESSENIO. Not both of you.
Which of you two traveled with me on the ship?
MENAECHMUS I. It wasn't me.
MENAECHMUS II. Me it was.
MESSENIO. Then you I want. Step over here [motioning].
MENAECHMUS II [following MESSENIO to a corner]. I've
stepped. What's up?
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MESSENIO. That man there is either one great faker or your
lost twin brother.
Never have I seen two men more similar than you two
men:
Water isn't more like water, milk's not more alike to milk
Than that man is like to you. And what's more he named
your father.
And your fatherland. It's best to go and question him stilt
further.
MENAECHMUS II. Hercules, you do advise me well. I'm very
grateful to you.
Please work on, by Hercules. I'll make you free if you
discover
That man is my brother.
MESSENIO. Ob, I hope so.
MENAECHMUS II. And I hope so too.
MESSENIQ [to MENAECHMUS I]. Sir, I do believe you've just
asserted that you're named Menaechmus.
MENAECHMUS 1. That is so.
MESSENIO. Well, his name is Menaechmus,
too. You also said
You were born is Sicily at Syracuse. Well, so was he.
Moschus was your father, so you said. That was his father,
too.
Both of you can do yourselves a favour-and help me as
well. '"
MENAECHMUS I. Anything you ask me I'll comply with, I'm
so grateful to you.
Treat me just as if I were your purchased slave-although
I'm free.
MESSENIO. It's my hope to prove you are each other's brothers,
twins in fact,
Born of the selfsame mother, selfsame father, on the selfsame
day.
MENAECHMUS I. Wonder-laden words. Oh, would you could
make all your words come true.
MESSENIO. Well, I can. But, both of you, just give replies to
what I ask you.
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MENAECHMUS I. Ask away. I'll answer. I won't hide a single
thing I know.
MESSENIO. Is your name Menaechmus?
MENAECHMUS I. Absolutely.
MESSENIO [to MENAECHMUS II]. Is it yours as well?
MENAECHMUS II. Yes.
MESSENIO. You said your father's name was Moschus.
MENAECHMUS I. Yes.
MENAECHMUS II. The same for me.
MESSENIO. And you're Syracusan?
MENAECHMUS I. Surely.
MESSENIO [to MENAECHMUS II]. You?
MENAECHMUS II. You know I am, of course.
MESSENlO. Well, so far the signs are good. Now turn your
minds to further questions.
[To MENAECHMUS I] What's the final memory you carry
from your native land?
MENAECHMUS I [reminiscing]. With my father ... visiting
Tarentum for the fair. Then after that ...
Wandering among the people, far from Father ... Being
snatched.
MENAECHMUS II [bursting with joy]. Jupiter above, now help
me-!
MESSENlO [officiously]. What's the shouting? You shut up.
[Turning back to MENAECHMUS I] Snatched from father
and from fatherland, about how old were you?
MENAECHMUS 1. Seven or so. My baby teeth had barely started
to fall out.
After that, I never saw my father.
MESSENIO. No? Well, tell me this:
At the time how many children did he have?
MENAECHMUS I. I think just two.
MES5ENIO. Which were you, the older or the younger?
MENAECHMUS I. Neither, we were equal.
MESSENIO. Do explain.
MENAECHMUS I. We were both twins.
MENAECHMUS II [ecstatic]. Oh-all the gods are with me
now!
I28 THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MESSENIO [sternly, to MENAECHMUS II]. Interrupt and I'll be
quiet.
MENAECHMUS II [obedient].
MESSENIO [to MENAECHMUS I].
Did you both have just one name?
MENAECHMUS I. Oh, not at all. My name is mine,
As it is today-Menaechmus. Brother's name was Sosicles.
MENAECHMUS II [mad with joy]. Yes, I recognize the signs. I
can't keep from embracing you!
Brother, dear twin brother, greetings! I am he-I'm Sosicles!
MENAECHMUS 1. How is it you afterward received the name
Menaechmus, then?
MENAECHMUS II. When we got the news that you had
wandered off away from Father
And that you were kidnapped by an unknown man, and
Father died,
Grandpa changed my name. The name you used to have he
gave to me.
MENAECHMUS I. Yes, I do believe it's as you say. [Goes to
embrace him, suddenly stops] But tell me this.
MENAECHMUS II. Just ask.
MENAECHMUS I. What was Mother's name?
MENAECHMUS II. Why, Teuximarcha.
.MENAECHMUS I. That's correct, it fits.
Unexpectedly I greet you, see you after so much time!
MENAECHMUS II. Brother, now I find you after so much
suffering and toil,
Searching for you, now you're found, and I'm so very, very
glad.
I'll be quiet.
Tell me this:
[They embrace
MESSENIO [to MENAECHMUS II]. That's the reason why the
slut could call you by your rightful name,
Thinking you were he, I think, when she invited you to
dinner.
MENAECHMUS I. Yes, by Pollux, I had ordered dinner for
myself today,
Hidden from my wife-from whom I filched a dress a while
ago-and
Gave it to her. [Indicates EROTIUM'S house]
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MENAECHMUS II. Could you mean this dress I'm holding,
Brother dear?
MENAECHMUS I. That's the one. How did you get it?
MENAECHMUS II. Well, the slut led me to dinner.
There she claimed I gave it to her. Wonderfully have I just
dined,
Wined as well as concubined, of dress and gold I robbed
her blind.
MENAECHMUS I. 0 by Pollux, I rejoice if you had fun because
of me!
When she asked you in to dinner, she believed that you
were me.
MESSENIO [impatient for himself]. Is there any reason to delay
the freedom that you promised?
MENAECHMUS I. Brother, what he asks is very fair and fine.
Please do it for me.
MENAECHMUS II [to MESSENIO, the formula]. 'Be thou free.'
MENAECHMUS I. The fact you're free now makes me glad,
Messenio.
MESSENIO [broadly hinting for some cash reward]. Actually,
I need more facts, supporting facts to keep me free.
MENAECHMPS II [ignoring MESSENIO, to his brother]. Since
our dreams have come about exactly as we wished, dear
Brother,
Let us both return to our homeland.
MENAECHMUS I. Brother, as you wish.
I can hold an auction and sell off whatever I have here.
Meanwhile, let's go in.
MENAECHMUS II. That's fine.
MESSENIO [to MENAECHMUS I].
May I request a favour of you?
MENAECHMUS I. What?
MESSENIO. Please make me do the auctioneering.
MENAECHMUS I. Done.
MESSENIO. All right. Then please inform me:
When should I announce the auction for?
MENAECHMUS I. Let's say-a week from now.
[The brothers go into MENAECHMUS' house,
leaving MESSENIO alone on stage
THE BROTHERS MENAECHMUS
MESSENIO [announcing), In the morning in a week from now
we'll have Menaechmus' auction.
Slaves and goods, his farm and city house, his ,everything
will go.
Name your prices, if you've got the cash in hand, it all will
go.
res, and if there's any bidder for the thing-his wife will
go. II60
Maybe the entire auction will enrich us-who can tell?
For the moment, dear spectators, clap with vigour. Fare ye
well!
