The Real Machiavelli

In the dark, after the house lights go down, a blood-curdling scream is heard: Niccolo Machiavelli’s having the same nightmare again. Lights up on the kitchen of Machiavelli’s farm in the countryside outside of Florence. Marietta is speaking to her Doctore Alphonso at rise. She is chopping the heads and feet off of dead, plucked chickens as they talk.

MARIETTA

He screams in the night, such screams as I’ve never heard come out of the mouth of a man. He screams like a woman laboring over a breech birth, just before she gives up the ghost. Then during the day, he says nothing, Doctore, he goes into his study, scribbles a few words, and then...he wanders off. Towards the chickens.

ALPHONSO

This is not like Niccolo. The man could write a single sentence half a page long and barely stop to breathe.

MARIETTA

Just a few words, then he stops. Since he’s come back. From that place.

ALPHONSO

Do you want me to bleed him?

MARIETTA

I don’t think that will help.

ALPHONSO

Nothing better than a good bleeding!

MARIETTA

He won’t eat, or he eats too much. He can’t sleep, or he sleeps all day long.

ALPHONSO

I have seen this before, in men who have been imprisoned in the Bargello. They say he bore the strappado many times.

MARIETTA

I must know, what is this strappado?

ALPHONSO

They tie a man’s hands up behind his back, and pull them straight up, like so. (he demonstrates) Then they hoist the poor fellow up by his wrists to near the top of the ceiling and drop him, until his feet almost touch the ground. They say the pain is unbearable, but that cannot be true. For Niccolo has borne it. But the others...

MARIETTA

What happened to the others?

ALPHONSO

Let us not speak ill of the dead.

MARIETTA

Dio Mio! (she crosses herself) They died of their wounds?

ALPHONSO

Oh no. Men can survive quite a pounding on the strappado, and recover almost completely.

MARIETTA

Thank God!

ALPHONSO

They do tend to kill themselves, however. Afterwards. I know of several who have hung themselves from a tree, and two or three who threw themselves into the sea to drown their sorrows. Does Niccolo speak of going to the sea?

MARIETTA

No...but he did walk into town to buy some rope. He said he needed it to fix the chicken coop. But how does one need rope to do that?

ALPHONSO

You must prepare yourself, Marietta, to become a widow.

MARIETTA

How can you say such a thing? If he should hang himself, how could I live?

ALPHONSO

You might marry again...

MARIETTA

You must help him. What can you, in your doctor’s wisdom, suggest?

ALPHONSO

Bring him his favorite Mistress. When a man is depressed, there is nothing in my experience that can compare with a few nights alone with a Mistress.

MARIETTA

Doctore Alphonso!

ALPHONSO

This is no time to pretend you are shocked, Marietta. This is a time to act, and act swiftly, before he finds a use for all that new rope.

MARIETTA

Then let’s speak frankly to each other. Why must it be a Mistress?

ALPHONSO

My dear Marietta, it’s been twenty years since you last bore him a child. When is the last time you slept in the same bed?

MARIETTA

He snores like a pig!

ALPHONSO

Still. That would not prevent a Mistress from/

MARIETTA

Stop! You think this is best?

ALPHONSO

I know it. In my heart.

MARIETTA

She is younger?

ALPHONSO

Like a tender fawn.

MARIETTA

And beautiful?

ALPHONSO

Like Aphrodite herself, emerging from the waves.

MARIETTA

Then I will do my duty as a wife and send for La Riccia.

ALPHONSO

Well, you could do that.

MARIETTA

What’s wrong with her?

ALPHONSO

You might think she was the favorite, but I know for a fact there is another. More fair. And younger.

MARIETTA

What, much younger and she’d be a babe in arms!

ALPHONSO

You must send for the new one. Her name is Francesa de la Tours. She’s an actress.

MARIETTA

An actress! It’s one thing to lay down with a woman from a good family, like La Riccia, but another thing entirely to...are you sure?

ALPHONSO

Quite.

MARIETTA

And you could find her?

ALPHONSO

She is not hard to find. But I warn you, it will cost you a pretty penny. She will not come for love, only for money.

MARIETTA

He pays this one?

ALPHONSO

He pays all of them.

MARIETTA

That is not what he tells me!

ALPHONSO

Well, you know Niccolo. Pretends to be the most desirable of men, the finest orator, the grandest poet.

MARIETTA

Then go, Doctore, and bring her at once. Offer her whatever she needs. I shall temporarily stop my weekly bleedings, and spend the money on her.

ALPHONSO

A most loyal wife. He doesn’t deserve you, you know. But for you, for you, I will do what you ask.

MARIETTA

Ah, but if he knew that I am paying her...the shame would kill him. It is one thing for a man to pay a mistress, and another thing entirely for his wife to pay for it. Niccolo is a man of some honor.

ALPHONSO

Yes. You are right. I will instruct the whore to say that she comes not for money, but for love. That will boost his confidence even further! And soon he will be back to writing his essays and poems, and maybe even looking for a new job!

MARIETTA

And the whore will leave the minute I stop paying her! A great plan! What could possibly go wrong?

Niccolo trudges into his Study, carrying a large amount of rope. He is trying, without success, to tie a hangman’s knot. Machiavelli’s Study is a room filled with floor to ceiling book cases, with a long table in the middle. Francesca, a beautiful girl in the full flower of youth, a real stunner, is hiding in the shadows.

MACHIAVELLI

Again, I have failed. Even to tie a knot so I may hang myself, I do not have the balls. I have no balls. And a man with no balls/

FRANCESCA

(from the shadows, a voice before she can be seen as real) Is no fun at all. And you’ve always been fun, Niccolo. Always.

MACHIAVELLI

The voice of my fair Francesca. How can this be? The last bit of sanity slips from my fingers and falls at my feet!

FRANCESCA

(emerging from the shadows, gorgeous, young, lusty) On the contrary, my love, you have never been more sane. For you have been through the test, and yet, you have lived. How much more admirable now than you were then, how much more to be desired!

MACHIAVELLI

Frannie! Come to me, come to Papa!

(they embrace and grope each other with enthusiasm, until MACHIAVELLI pulls away) Be careful of the shoulders!

FRANCESCA

I shall be more tender.

MACHIAVELLI

How came you to be hiding here, among my dusty ancient books?

FRANCESCA

They are lovely books, and I’ve been reading while I waited for you, as is my custom. Remember the nights I would read to you from Plato, and we would debate the kinds of love that were the purest, and I always let you win?

MACHIAVELLI

You amuse me, child! I have been in want of amusement.

FRANCESCA

So I heard. The bargello. The strappado. When they told me your Florentine Republic had been overthrown, and that idiot child Giuliano de Medici put in charge, I feared for you.

MACHIAVELLI

Ah yes. The new prince. The boy Cardinal. There was, of course, a conspiracy to kill him. The Medici discovered a list of prominent citizens that might have backed such a move, and my name, alas, was the first.

FRANCESCA

Always first! I am so proud!

MACHIAVELLI

Let us speak no more about those dark days. How did you get past Marietta? She must never know you are here. It is one thing to keep a mistress in another city, but she would die of shame if she knew/

FRANCESCA

Of course! Being the virtuous lady that she is. Do not fret. Doctore Alphonso has her confidence, and he will distract her while I sneak into your study. And once I am in your study, well... No woman would dare to set foot in her husband’s sancto sanctorum.

MACHIAVELLI

How long can you stay?

FRANCESCA

As long as you need me. Doctore Alphonso has given me a bed in his own house. Don’t worry! He’s not my type. Too fat.

MACHIAVELLI

After four months in prison, I am not fat.

FRANCESCA

You have always been lean, like a wolf. Like a wolf who writes poetry. An animal with the soul of an angel. Let’s fuck. Let’s fuck right now, like animals, first, and then, like angels!

MACHIAVELLI

I cannot. When I say I cannot, I mean... (he drops his head into his chest and looks down at his penis) I mean that HE cannot.

FRANCESCA

Your strapping soldier?

MACHIAVELLI

My mouse. My turtle. My wick is, I’m afraid, as dry as Dante’s wit.

FRANCESCA

Well, we can fix that. Or should I say, I can fix it.

MACHIAVELLI

Not even you, my love. They laugh at me in the street now, they who used to buy me wine and drink to my health. It pleases them, to see the mighty brought down to their level, the fucking peasants. And my peers, the ones I bested in debate, in poetry, in essays of all kinds, they laugh the loudest. There should be a word for this pleasure people take in seeing the famous and the great beaten into the earth.

FRANCESCA

The Bavarians have a word for it. A very long one. Shaudenfreude. But then, they have a word for everything.

MACHIAVELLI

So you’re sleeping with a Bavarian these days?

FRANCESCA

Not every night. His Holiness still owns my Thursdays. But not this week. Not this month. I am here in Florence for as long as it takes, to get your soldier back in his happy home!

MACHIAVELLI

Alas, I have been fined a thousand florins for my supposed crime. I cannot pay you a farthing. So I must send you away. It is a matter of honor. If I cannot pay/

FRANCESCA

Who said I came for money?

MACHIAVELLI

Everyone who has ever had the pleasure of your bed, my love. It is the way of the world, and your Niccolo can no longer/

FRANCESCA

Quiet! I won’t hear another word about money. The Pope gives me a fine allowance, and I do what I please with it. I’m here for love, my soldier. Love alone. Like the poem you first wrote to me, “I am broken the moment you leave, tortured by desire, wracked with pain until/’

MACHIAVELLI

Please! These are not the proper metaphors for the moment. (he rubs his sore shoulder: she kisses it) My weapons were my words, and now, they have cut out my tongue by these humiliations, and made me mute.

FRANCESCA

Tell me what I can do to restore you to health, my stallion.

MACHIAVELLI

I could bear these humiliations with more ease, if I had not spent my entire youth charming those above me in rank with the persona I created from the air, with my own guile. Me, with no family name, no money, no connections! How I rose! Hand over hand, scaling the Alps of Florentine society, making myself out of nothing! Can you imagine what it is like to spend your precious youth scraping and bowing and kissing the hands of those just a few steps above you in society? Not ever allowed to be yourself, your true self?

FRANCESCA

(with great irony) No, my love. After all, what am I, just a lowly courtesan. And an actress.

MACHIAVELLI

(going on as if he never heard her, as he often does) When the list of names was published, I turned myself in, can you imagine?

FRANCESCA

Well, of course, my love. You were sure you could talk them out of it. I assume you were part of the resistance.

MACHIAVELLI

Of course. To defend the Republic.

FRANCESCA

A man of reason. Which makes me want you all the more.

MACHIAVELLI

Ah, my educated whore. You love me for things beyond the power of my purse, or my paltry penis. God bless you.

FRANCESCA

You are the only man who has ever quoted Dante to me at the moment of climax. This is a man worth saving! You must return to public life.

MACHIAVELLI

I have retired to my farm. That is all that is left for such as me.

FRANCESCA

Nonsense. Your country needs you. They say the Pope will carve up Italy like a wheel of cheese, and offer this piece to the French, this piece to Spain.

MACHIAVELLI

Long feared. And now, who knows if the idiot Prince will have the balls to defend the city?

FRANCESCA

Exactly. He needs guidance from a great mind.

MACHIAVELLI

But I have lost mine, my love.

FRANCESCA

You often spoke of writing a book, if you ever had the time. Well, now, you have nothing but time. If you could produce a book, a book that would bring you fame at Court, then perhaps a job would follow.

MACHIAVELLI

Alas, I have no wit to write.

FRANCESCA

Then I will loan you mine. I have often, while on my back under this bishop or that Pope, spent the time profitably by devising what I would write, if I should be allowed to put pen to paper. As a woman, that could never be. But you... (she grabs his balls in her hand) You, my Lord, are still a man. So let me lend you my brains, until yours come back to life. And as a spark kindles a great flame if you blow on it diligently and refuse to give up...you will finish the book I begin!

MACHIAVELLI

I have no energy for such a task.

FRANCESCA

Perhaps we will begin tomorrow. A taste of my lovemaking will bring you energy galore!

MACHIAVELLI

I’m afraid you will have to do most of the work.

FRANCESCA

It would be my pleasure. And yours.

MACHIAVELLI

If my wife should catch you as you leave?

FRANCESCA

If I can evade the College of Cardinals during a Papal Conclave, I can sneak out past one ancient hag.

MACHIAVELLI

You had sex with a Cardinal, while they were electing the Pope?

FRANCESCA

Better. I had sex with the new Pope, before the white smoke rose above the Vatican. Before the white smoke rose, he rose. And rose. And rose again.

In the kitchen, the same afternoon that Francesca has surprised Machiavelli. MARIETTA and DOCTORE ALPHONSO in the kitchen. She is plucking a chicken as they talk.

MARRIETTA

So, how long should I wait before calling him to supper?

ALPHONSO

She should be finished in an hour. Maybe sooner. Maybe much sooner. Considering his condition... Tell me, Marietta, how long do you think you can afford to pay this girl?

MARRIETTA

You’re just annoyed that I am using the money I used to pay you for bleedings.

ALPHONSO

I do not counsel that you deprive yourself of my services for long. You must care for your health.

MARRIETTA

I must care for my financial health. He needs to get a job. She’ll tell him that, won’t she?

ALPHONSO

I might be willing to bleed you for free, if you could pay me in another currency.

MARRIETTA

Ah. You’d like me to bake for you, perhaps? I know you are fond of my bread.

ALPHONSO

I can be fond of many things you have to offer. Just because Niccolo is no longer interested, doesn’t mean that your charms have faded completely. I can see how, under certain conditions, your charms might return. Rapidly. With the force of a very pleasant explosion of delight. Under the right hands.

(ALPHONSO grabs her around the waist, she playfully swats him away)

MARRIETTA

Your right hand, you mean.

ALPHONSO

I’m just as good with my left.

MARRIETTA

I should toss you out for talk like that!

ALPHONSO

You should thank God for talk like that, if it should lead to action. Have pity on me, good Lady. Since my wife died lo these many months, I have been...forlorn. If you allow me to play in your garden, I will bleed you for free!

MARRIETTA

If I were a real Lady, you’d be out on your ear. Lucky for you I’m a farm girl. What if I don’t fancy a free bleeding?

ALPHONSO

Not fancy a free bleeding? Who would understand such a thing!

MARRIETTA

I’m actually feeling better since you stopped.

ALPHONSO

I was afraid of that. The times are changing. All this new science! I’m not trained for anything else! Soon, I’ll be as useless as the old alchemists, still trying to turn lead into gold.

MARRIETTA

You’ll still have your family money.

ALPHONSO

But a man needs work, gentle lady. And my life’s work has been trying to help women. I still have a... service... I could offer, if you’d only say the word.

MARRIETTA

How could I? I am Madame Machiavelli!

ALPHONSO

It’s not as if there’s anything he could check. Once the virginity is gone, who can know?

MARRIETTA

God can know.

ALPHONSO

The same God who right this minute knows all about your husband and his Mistress?

MARRIETTA

I am too old.

ALPHONSO

Too old for some things. But a learned man such as myself knows many other things...where there remain amusements. Delights. Of a different nature, but still...delights.

MARRIETTA

Why are you tempting me?

ALPHONSO

Did you know that before she died, my dear Bernice made me promise, that should Niccolo die before you, that I should... provide... for you?

MARRIETTA

She would never/

ALPHONSO

She loved you like a sister!

MARRIETTA

That is true.

ALPHONSO

And we always want the best for our sisters, no?

MARRIETTA

That is true, as well.

ALPHONSO

And who would be able to judge me better than my beloved Bernice? She must have told you that I am, in fact, the best.

MARRIETTA

(blushing) That is true, as well.

ALPHONSO

So, for her sake, and for your own health, if I cannot bleed you, let me relieve your tension. So you can remain energetic, in your household duties.

MARRIETTA

How can I refute the reasoning of a man more learned than myself?

(they go at each other with vigor)

Machiavelli’s Study. The next day.

FRANCESCA

Let us begin our book. The sooner we begin, the sooner you will once more be employed at Court, the sooner you can shower me with florins once more. And restore yourself to mental and physical health, of course.

MACHIAVELLI

Oh yes, this book. To be dedicated to the slime, Medici. On what subject? I cannot write poetry in this mood.

FRANCESCA

Anyone can write a book of poetry. What Giuliano Medici needs is a book of advice. How to remain in power.

MACHIAVELLI

What would a woman know of such things?

FRANCESCA

I have made many men pay me in books, and turned them into teachers for my own education. As they would come to me to be schooled in love, I would come to them to be skilled in the history of politics through the ages.

MACHIAVELLI

You expect me to believe that you have things to teach me?

FRANCESCA

You read Latin well enough, as I recall, but have no Greek.

MACHIAVELLI

That is true, but so what?

FRANCESCA

I wanted to learn Greek, so I could read the classics. I sought out a love-starved, but very learned Bishop. And it changed everything! You think you have read Aristotle. On Politics. It sounds like one kind of book in clumsy Italian, but another book entirely in the original language. He is not so interested in morality. That is not his concern, at all. Power. How to get it. How to keep it. No matter who pays the price.

MACHIAVELLI

You have been touched by the devil!

FRANCESCA

At least once or twice. But dear Niccolo, I have things to teach, and you have the time to learn; and a pen, and parchment, and a great supply of ink. And already renowned as a writer. So when you bring forth this new book, it will seem as if you were barely fazed by your days in the Bargello. Everyone at Court will admire you once more. Your manhood will be...restored.

MACHIAVELLI

You think all it will take is one little book?

FRANCESCA

Not just any book. A book unlike any that has yet to be written. Let us begin. Sit at your desk, and take this down.

MACHIAVELLI

How will this restore my manhood, to be the secretary to a woman?

FRANCESCA

You shall not be my secretary for long, my love. I will begin the book for you, but you shall finish it. So let us begin, my love.

MACHIAVELLI

With what? I’ve always wanted to write a history of Florence!

FRANCESCA

Who has need for that? Nobody! Certainly not Giuliano de Medici.

MACHIAVELLI

(he spits) The man whose orders threw my arms to the heavens and my body to hell.

FRANCESCA

The man who has the power to save our city. And to give you a great task, for great rewards, in glory and in money. You must address the book directly to him. Giuliano de Medici. Offer it as a gift. A gift of advice, about the science of politics.

MACHIAVELLI

I know there is a science to medicine, and the bleeding to remove the ill humors from the blood. But how can there be a science of politics?

FRANCESCA

Use that great imagination of yours. You are imagination, Niccolo! Hear my words, and let them flower into full life before your eyes, so your pen may do more than describe, it will paint. Paint the picture that Giuliano de Medici will see, the one that will make your fortune. Science, philosophy, begin by classification. How many types of government are there? There are two types of governments; Monarchies...where one ruler holds absolute power.

(THE COMMEDIA CHORUS ENTERS: a King is crowned, and others bow and scrape comically)

FRANCESCA

(con’t.) And Republics, where there are elections and the voters hold power through the ballot box.

(COMMEDIA: A political campaign for office: signs, Vote for Paulo for Gonfalier, Vote for Donaldo for Gonfalier, and a fight breaks out between the two, until one suggests to the other that they appeal to a vote of the audience, through mime. Each one asks the audience to vote for them one at a time, and the winner gets to wear the sash that says GANFOLIER, then they FREEZE in place)

MACHIAVELLI

We must tell the Prince that all Monarchies are bad, and we must restore the Florentine Republic!

FRANCESCA

Now, think. What would happen to you if you tell the man who overturned our Republic and created a Monarchy that he has made a tragic mistake?

MACHIAVELLI

I am starting to see your point.

FRANCESCA

So instead of saying “Republic, Good” and “Monarchy, Bad” we want to scientifically advise the Prince, that is, Giuliano, how to keep himself in power.

MACHIAVELLI

But I don’t want him to stay in power!

FRANCESCA

Niccolo! You are not paying attention. How do you advance in an Italian Court?

MACHIAVELLI

Flattery?

FRANCESCA

It’s all coming back to you, now! Flatter him, and soon you will be the power behind the throne. And you shall wield your power for the good of all! The wise will always be able to manipulate the stupid. So any lies you tell to flatter the idiot Prince, these are forgivable. More than that; these lies are necessary. Yes? So I...we...you...must flatter the Prince, and help this Idiot stay in power. He will depend on you for help.

MACHIAVELLI

And why would he need MY help?

FRANCESCA

He was handed his power, yes? By his family? He will have trouble keeping it. Easiest power to gain, hardest power to keep. (COMMEDIA unfreezes. The Gonfalier removes his sash and the other becomes a new King, and waves to the crowd)

COMMEDIA 1

(addressing the audience as his subjects) God save the king! Which is me!

(Commedia 1 dies, comically: Commedia 2 removes his crown and places it on his OWN head...shyly, as if he’s not sure he can be the new King.)

COMMEDIA 2

The King is dead! God save the King! Which is me! No, really. It’s me. And I’m going to be King for a long time. I’m very healthy. So don’t get any ideas! (THEY FREEZE)

MACHIAVELLI

Of course it is easiest to gain. Because the crown is handed to them by fate. By accident of birth. How then is it easiest to lose?

FRANCESCA

The first generations of rulers are filled with manly virtues of strength and power and speed. That is how they became Kings in the first place. But afterwards come the stupid. And they have no idea at all how to keep their power.

(COMMEDIA 1, King with kingly bearing passing crown to first son,COMMEDIA 2 who is clearly an idiot, wearing the Trump or Boris wig: they freeze)

MACHIAVELLI

Yes, this is true! Is this reasoning, is this what you mean by science?

FRANCESCA

Exactly. You, my dear Niccolo, will tell him, in this book, the secrets.

MACHIAVELLI

Secrets?

FRANCESCA

The secrets for staying in power! The secrets are in the science. The science gives us rules, derived from evidence! And the first rule of staying in power is this: the people must be mastered. The new leader must inflict cruelties, not on his supporters, but on the conquered people. Does that remind you of anyone?

MACHIAVELLI

Giuliano de Medici!

FRANCESCA

But, the new ruler must then stop his cruelty!

MACHIAVELLI

Yes, hurray! He must stop! (a beat) Why must he stop?

FRANCESCA

Because then comes the time to bestow favors on the people.

MACHIAVELLI

But he just beat the shit out of the people!

FRANCESCA

The sweetness of rewards soon wipes the memory. This is as true today, as when Julius Caesar took power in Rome. Bread and circuses, my dear Niccolo. Bread and circuses.

(Commedia unfreezes, Commedia 1 as Julius Caesar ordering his man to go into the audience where he acts like carnival barker)

COMMEDIA 2

Attention, poor people! Get your free bread! Free bread! Courtesy of Julius Caesar!

(JULIUS waves to the crowd)

FRANCESCA

The people will ignore the evil deeds of their rulers, as long as they are given cheap food and kept well-entertained!

COMMEDIA 2

A funny thing will happen today in the forum! Lions eating barbarians from far off lands! Top gladiators torturing the enemies of Rome! Courtesy of Julius Caesesar!

(JULIUS waves to the crowd)

FRANCESCA

That satisfies the poor people, but somebody has to pay for it.

COMMEDIA 1

(as Julius Caesar) I came, I saw, I conquered!

COMMEDIA 2

Then you raised our taxes, you bastard! Beware the Ides of March!

(CEASAR is killed, comically: they freeze)

MACHIAVELLI

So the new Prince, he must make himself loved. By the poor people, and the rich people!

FRANCESCA

Niccolo! You have to stop thinking of politics and love in the same sentence. Think of the examples, the evidence, of history! You know the stories of rulers who wanted, more than anything, to be loved. (she says the word “loved” here as if it is poison) What happened to them? What happens to those who go about with open arms, craving to be loved by everyone?

(COMMEDIA unfreezes: a Nice Guy King, Commedia 1, hugs his friend, Commedia 2, only to be knifed in the gut by Commedia 2 and die once again, comically: they freeze)

MACHIAVELLI

Yes, I have seen this many times. But then, if a new Prince should not make himself hated, and should not make himself loved, what then?

FRANCESCA

This is the best part! The new Prince should be like the Fox, cunning and wily. Always looking for his own advantage. Avoiding the traps set for him by his rivals.

( Commedia 1 in a Fox mask, avoids the snare set for him by Commedia 2. As Fox goes on his way, Commedia 2 shakes his fist at the Fox behind his back)

But if he is only like a Fox, he will not be strong enough to over-power his rivals.

(Commedia 2 attacks the Fox, and puts a sword through him, then takes up the dead Fox’s mask. Commedia 2 parades around showing alternatively the mask of the Fox and the lion)

FRANCESCA

So the new Prince must also be like the Lion, strong and courageous. And a Fox at the same time! In this way he will be able to show strength and intelligence! And if he has neither of those things, he will have to use a strong and courageous advisor to stay in power. Like you, my love!

MACHIAVELLI

Ah! Science! I see it all now, I shall finish this book, my sweet whore!

FRANCESCA

Let us celebrate this return of your manhood!

(she grabs Machiavelli playfully by the balls; both members of the Commedia thrust out their loins to salute them)

MACHIAVELLI

(embarrassed) Not just yet. Leave me to write, and after I’ve finished this first chapter, I will come to you, and make my soldier happy in it’s home once more.

The kitchen. Marietta and Alphonso have just had some very sweaty sex on the kitchen table. Since she is almost always plucking a chicken, there are chicken carcasses and chicken feathers scattered everywhere.

MARRIETTA

We shall surely burn in hell for this.

ALPHONSO

I am a man of science. And I say, there is no hell, except of our own making.

MARRIETTA

That is an excuse to play around with a married woman.

ALPHONSO

The Pope needs no such excuse, and I assure you, he has been with married women. And men. And goats, for all I know.

MARRIETTA

I cannot listen to this blasphemy. You must leave my bed and never return, you are corrupting my very soul!

ALPHONSO

Marietta, have you ever read the Bible?

MARRIETTA

You know I was never taught to read! And a good thing too, if this is where reading gets you, questioning the authority of the church, saying there is no hell...

ALPHONSO

Well, I have read it. And not just in the church Latin that the priests know. I have read it in Greek.

MARRIETTA

Our Lord was Greek??

ALPHONSO

No, but the Bible was written in that language. And written many, many years after the death of Jesus. If there even was a Jesus.

MARRIETTA

I will stop my ears up with pillows before I’ll listen to/

ALPHONSO

Marietta, I swore an oath to help people when I became a doctore, and the one thing that will help most people, most people that I know, is to understand what is in that book, and what is not. There’s a lot they just made up, a lot of old tales that they just stitched into the cloth, especially about the desire for sex. It is not the original sin at all! It is the original pleasure!

MARRIETTA

Everyone knows that po-po was the original sin! Jesus said so!

ALPHONSO

Jesus never said a thing about po-po! Jesus probably thought po-po was perfectly natural! Jesus probably had po-po all the time! His favorite disciple was a prostitute! I hope he and Mary Magdalene had all the pop-po they could possibly have! Who could deserve it more than He?

MARIETTA

That is true.

ALPHONSO

The Cardinals do not believe that shit. Marietta, the Pope does not believe that shit! The Pope has children. And Mistresses, more than one.

MARRIETTA

Well, perhaps he can get away with it, because he’s the Pope. So God will not send him to hell.

ALPHONSO

Does that make any sense? Look at me, you are smarter than Niccolo in some things, I know that’s true. Isn’t it.

MARRIETTA

I confess, it is.

ALPHONSO

What if the things that feel good are meant to feel good? And if your husband will not satisfy you, he deserves to be cuckolded. Again and again and again...

MARRIETTA

You want to keep on doing these immoral things?

ALPHONSO

But he is doing the same things, in another part of the house! With his whore!

MARRIETTA

Men can do such things.

ALPHONSO

How is it men can do such things, and women cannot?

MARRIETTA

Because the priest says/

ALPHONSO

Who cares what the priest says! Sooner or later, as more and more men become...and yes, even women...become educated, they will throw off the chains of this threat of hell.

MARRIETTA

And act however they please?

ALPHONSO

No, they will act, if they are educated...they will act based on their reasoning. Their thinking. And if two people fall in love outside of their marriage, then they will divorce their spouses, without any say so from the Pope. They will do what is right for them. As we should now, Marietta. Come away with me. Niccolo doesn’t love you. Whereas I...do.

MARRIETTA

Nothing good can come of such talk.

ALPHONSO

Everything good can come of it. I have money saved, and things I can sell. We could go to a place where no one knows us...perhaps somewhere in Sicily, or the coast of Sardinia...

MARRIETTA

My children!

ALPHONSO

They are grown!

MARRIETTA

But if I live long enough, there will be grandchildren!

ALPHONSO

And if you don’t live long enough to see them? Will you have wasted your days serving Niccolo Machiavelli, who has slept with every whore in Europe?

MARRIETTA

This was your plan, from the beginning.

ALPHONSO

No, I swear to you, no.

MARRIETTA

Men deceive.

ALPHONSO

Marietta, please!

MARIETTA

I cannot possibly leave him now. It would be the last straw. As long as he is in trouble, I must stand by him. It is my duty.

ALPHONSO

But should fortune smile on Niccolo once more, then, then you might...

MARRIETTA

Perhaps.

ALPHONSO

Then I have hope?

MARRIETTA

There is always hope.

In Machiavelli’s study. The next day. Enter Francesca.

MACHIAVELLI

My love, I have finished the book! It came to me, in the night, and I wrote like a condemned man. It is short, but to the point, and I know it will get me the job at Giuliano’s Court!

FRANCESCA

Read, my love! Let us hear this great work!

MACHIAVELLI

Very well. If I must.

“To the great Giuliano de Medici, may you rot in hell!” (he spits)

FRANCESCA

Niccolo!

MACHIAVELLI

I jest, my love.

“To the great Giuliano de Medici, the new Prince of Florence, long may he reign over his happy and prosperous people.” What do you think, so far. Too much?

FRANCESCA

Keep going, my love.

MACHIAVELLI

“In the name of Our Lord, Jesus Christ, who shall protect you and watch over you, Along with the Patron Saint of Florence, the beloved/”

FRANCESCA

Get to the science, Niccolo! The science of politics!

MACHIAVELLI

“The first duty of a great Prince is to please Our Lord through his many good works for the people. But also, he must demonstrate the virtues that will make him admired by all. Namely, charity, generosity, forgiveness”- that’s my favorite, “forgiveness.” That’s how I’m going to get him to hire me, you see?

FRANCESCA

I don’t see. I don’t see how this is any different from any number of books of advice for Princes that have been written over and over again.

MACHIAVELLI

Exactly. I have made my model the great Advice to the Princes that was written by/

FRANCESCA

You are missing the point!

MACHIAVELLI

I can’t give him something brand new. How will he know it has value?

FRANCESCA

Niccolo.

MACHIAVELLI

This has many more beautiful sentences in it, with flattery that would make a Persian whore blush!

FRANCESCA

You are selling him what he does not need. No more talk of God, or morality.

MACHIAVELLI

But I must write of virtue!

FRANCESCA

I agree, but not religious virtue, as the priests tell us, but manly virtu, the ancient Roman meaning of the word. The pagan meaning, before that wimp Jesus got into the act. Virtu, my love. Manliness. Mastery. Domination Use your imagination, Niccolo! Alexander the Great. Julius Caesar. Nero. What did they all have in common? VIRTU!

(thunder clap)

MACHIAVELLI

All my life I have advocated for the Republic, for the right to vote, for justice! And now you want me to praise the worst dictators in history? I cannot write this book! Perhaps you should write it yourself.

FRANCESCA

You don’t think I can do it? I shall write this book for you, my love. It will contain, within its pages, the secrets of all the successful Princes of times past, present, and future. Sit, and take this down. We shall begin with the story of a great Pope!

MACHIAVELLI

So you shall also talk about the popes of the past, their kindness, and mercy?

FRANCESCA

On the contrary. I will speak of our current Pope, my current Thursday. Pope Julius. Some say he has named himself after Julius Caesar, rather than after any Christian saint. For good reason. He is more than a Pope, he is an Emperor.

(COMMEDIA 1 enters as Pope Julius, who blows a kiss to Francesca, and pulls a sword out of his Papal belt and brandishes it like a conqueror as he walks off the stage into the wings to fight his enemies)

MACHIAVELLI

Why would Giuliano want to take lessons from such a man?

FRANCESCA

To learn the art of power! Look how Pope Julius rose! He clawed his way through the ranks to become Cardinal, but when he first had a chance to be elected Pope, he lost. And why did he lose?

MACHIAVELLI

Because God is wise?

FRANCESCA

Because he did not bribe enough Cardinals. His rival has bribed many more. Lessons learned. However, the newly elected Pope is soon poisoned and dies. Do you know why?

MACHIAVELLI

Because God is just?

FRANCESCA

Because the newly elected Pope has not spread his bribes to the lower classes. He has particularly not bribed his food taster, who, it turns out, was very poorly paid. Lessons learned.

MACHIAVELLI

That is true. However/

FRANCESCA

Now comes the last, and greatest lesson for your book. Our hero, the future Pope Julius, makes a deal with his rival’s family.

(COMMEDIA I: POPE JULIUS re-enters with Commedia 2 as Young Cardinal)

POPE JULIUS

(to COMMEDIA 2, the younger man) Hey! I will make you a deal. Everybody knows, I make the best deals. Nobody makes better deals than me. You will be so happy with this deal! It is the best deal ever. But it’s not a quid pro quo! No quid pro quo! Just... you support me for Pope now, and I will make sure my supporters throw their votes to you after I’m dead. And since I am an old man and you are a young man, this will all work out for the both of us.

FRANCESCA

But then, what does our hero, the newly elected Pope Julius, do?

(Commedia 1, Pope Julius, pulls out his sword again, points it at Commedia 2, and forces him off the stage as they both exit)

FRANCESCA

He has the younger brother arrested. Thrown in jail, stripped of his property, deported to Spain, and killed! Thus demonstrating great VIRTU. (thunder clap) Write this down, my love, for here is a man to be emulated!

MACHIAVELLI

How is this to be emulated? I have spent my life as a diplomat! And here is what I have learned! When enemies poison enemies, that is honorable. When enemies send assassins to kill each other, this is also honorable. But when a man makes an agreement of alliance, and then turns on him...this makes him a liar! And no one will ever trust him again!

FRANCESCA

Well, that is what most people believe. And I grant you, at first it was a scandal. But the next week, all the Nobles showed up as if nothing had happened. And the lie was never mentioned again.

(COMMEDIA re-enter: Commedia 2 bows and scrapes before the new Pope Julius, Commedia 1, wearing the Trump wig: they parade across the stage, then Pope exits with his courtier)

Wasn’t that wonderful, Niccolo?

MACHIAVELLI

It was immoral.

FRANCESCA

It was successful!

MACHIAVELLI

How can you call this success?

FRANCESCA

Because of the results! The rivals of Pope Julius are no longer plotting and bribing and disturbing the peace of Rome. This is how we get peace, Niccolo! Unity! The same way that Giuliano de Medici has brought peace to Florence. There is no more backstabbing in the Ponte de Veccio, no more gangs of this faction or that terrorizing whichever faction is briefly out of power, for they all fear the strong man! The man who rules with VIRTU. (thunder clap) Even if he has to use the strappado to do it.

MACHIAVELLI

(this mention of the strappado is too much for him) I cannot champion such a cause!

FRANCESCA

That’s how the ancients teach us; it is better to be feared than loved, for fear brings factions under firm control! Peace, Niccolo! Sweet, sweet peace!

MACHIAVELLI

You have been corrupted by your years at Court.

FRANCESCA

If I have been corrupted, it is by the truth of what I see. Write this, and you will live, Niccolo! You will find great work advising great men. Look, I am giving it to you like a gift!

MACHIAVELLI

A gift I must refuse. Listen to me, Francesca. You think you are being clever, and I grant you, what you say sounds pleasing to the ear of those who only need the smallest excuse to force their will on the people. You say this is permissible, to be cruel, to be feared, because it brings peace. If you make these ideas known, they will become popular among the worst men, and everyone will say this.

I can hear them now, Francesca! In the Courts of the French, the English, and the hated Spaniards. “I must be cruel. I must crush my enemies. I must make the people fear me! For the sake of la patria! Not for my own power, oh no, not for that! Not because I need to crush others to make myself feel worthy, oh, no! I will be feared to bring peace!” You are Eve in the Garden of Eden, no, the Serpent himself! Leave me!

FRANCESCA

You are tired. Your mind is fogged. Tomorrow it will clear. I will retire to the home of the Doctore. There I will write this book. And bring you your glory.

Marietta and Francesca in the kitchen. As always, Marietta is chopping the head and feet from small plucked chickens.

FRANCESCA

He refuses to see me, so now it is up to you.

MARIETTA

He is worse than ever. He walks around in his underwear, reading tragic poetry to the chickens. You were supposed to fix this!

FRANCESCA

All you have to do is submit this book to Giuliano de Medici. Niccolo is too depressed to send it; he falsely believes it is not good enough, when in fact it is a work of genius. I understand that Giuliano is your third cousin twice removed on your father’s side.

MARIETTA

So is everyone in Florence. Really, I don’t think I can just barge in to his office and hand him this book.

FRANCESCA

Without an income, how long can you hold onto this farm of yours? A season? This book, you must trust my word, this book is worth a thousand florins! A job, at least. Books of advice are all the rage at Court, and this book will rise above them all, with such a fine title: “The Prince.”

MARIETTA

And when Niccolo finds out?

FRANCESCA

He will praise you for bringing him success! And then...and then...he will be able to hire so many servants, that never again will you have to so much as... pluck a chicken. Your servants will pluck them for you! Imagine it!

MARIETTA

(looking at her chapped hands) It is beyond my imagination!

FRANCESCA

The whole city will sing his praises! He will stop waltzing around the barnyard in his underwear!

MARIETTA

That is also beyond my imagination! He’s been doing this thing with the chickens for so long now, the hens think he is one of them. He is too depressed to even threaten the rooster, who tries to mate with his foot. Still, to go against his wishes...

FRANCESCA

Did I mention that once this book makes Niccolo famous, you will be able to proudly attend Mass with all the other well born ladies, wives of the finest gentlemen of Florence? In the front of the church, where you will receive the blessed sacrament first!

MARIETTA

(a pause) I have never been first. In anything...

But if I get struck by a horse before I get to confession, then I will go to hell for doing this behind his back!

FRANCESCA

You will not get struck by a horse! I will arrange for the local priest to hear your Confession the moment you return from the Medici Palace! He owes me a favor...or three.

MARIETTA

The priest can make God forgive me, but nobody can make Niccolo forgive me.

FRANCESCA

He does not know what is best anymore. Best for himself, best for you...and your sons! Think of your sons, my dear Marietta! Now, they are the sons of a traitor. But once this book works its magic...

MARIETTA

My sons! Yes. I must think of my sons. And my poor hands. Pluck enough chickens, and the hands become so rough and ugly...And yours are so beautiful.

FRANCESCA

You will once again have beautiful hands. The hands of a great lady. Now take this book, and go.

MARIETTA

But...

FRANCESCA

For Niccolo. Your sons! And to never again pluck a chicken with your own bare hands!

(Marietta takes the book and goes, leaving a satisfied Francesca alone)

A week later. Giuliano di Medici, new ruler of Florence, makes a surprise visit to Machiavelli’s Study

GIULIANO

Signore Machiavelli, I’ve come to beg your forgiveness for the recent...unpleasantness. May I come in?

MACHIAVELLI

Enlightened Duke, of course, I remain your loyal subject. Even though you have stripped me of my citizenship.

(Machiavelli rubs his shoulder. Giuliano gets the point)

GIULIANO

Well, you know what they say, what one hand takes way, another may give.

MACHIAVELLI

And which hand do you have in mind for me, Enlightened Duke?

GIULIANO

Come now, you must realize why I have come all the way here, to this squalid farm, in this putrid countryside?

MACHIAVELLI

I confess, I have no idea.

GIULIANO

To thank you for your splendid book!

MACHIAVELLI

My book.

GIULIANO

The one your good wife Marietta delivered herself into my hands. It took me a while to get all the way through it, for although it is a short tome, it is filled with references to ancient Rome that my scribes had to explain. But once they explained it, I realized immediately what a genius is the great Niccolo Machiavelli!

MACHIAVELLI

Good for me...

GIULIANO

What did you say?

MACHIAVELLI

I said, I am so glad the book is good for you!

GIULIANO

As my scribes explained, only the most learned of men could have written such a book. Although it is not exactly the kind the priests would approve of, right? Right? Right?

MACHIAVELLI

Right.

GIULIANO

In fact, among those in my Court who have read it, there is already a rumor that the Devil Himself appeared to you, in this very study, and dictated the words to you! Of course, that is just silly superstition. The chatter of old wives, right?

MACHIAVELLI

Right.

GIULIANO

So when can you come back to Court and take up your rightful position again, as Secretary to the Council?

MACHIAVELLI

You abolished the Council.

GIULIANO

Right. Right. Well then, when can you take up your position as an advisor to...me? On matters military and diplomatic.

MACHIAVELLI

Are you sure? My shoulders have not completely healed, and they might not survive another round of the strappado.

GIULIANO

What a jokester you are, what a wit! They told me you are a wit. Right? Right?

MACHIAVELLI

I tell you what, your Enlightened majesty, let me first consult with my good wife before I give answer.

GIULIANO

Consult your wife, you say! Wit, and more wit! I will leave you until tomorrow at dawn to decide. Do you see, I, also, can play the wit. I will expect you tomorrow at Court, early. We have much to plan. We shall all get up with the chickens, you see. More wit!

MACHIAVELLI

Most excellent wit!

(MACHIAVELLI bows, GIULIANO exits, as he opens the door MARIETTA nearly falls into the office; she’s been listening outside the whole time)

MACHIAVELLI

Good wife Marietta!

(MARIETTA enters, sheepish)

MARIETTA

Yes, my good husband? Was that the great Giuliano de Medici himself? Did he bring you, by any chance, some good news?

MACHIAVELLI

You know very well what news he brought me. How comes he to have a book, from your hand, written by me?

MARIETTA

It was not my idea, good husband! Noble husband! Good, noble, and depressed husband! It was the whore! She talked me into it. For your own good, she said! It was your greatest book, she said! And with you sitting in your study night after night, sitting alone with all that rope...

MACHIAVELLI

For the chicken coop! And you weren’t supposed to know about the whore.

MARIETTA

Most wives know about most whores. (a beat) I would bare my back for you to beat me, were it not for the fact that all has come to pass exactly as the whore promised.

MACHIAVELLI

You know I would never beat you. Even for something like this.

MARIETTA

But, you always have the option, good husband. To keep me in my place.

MACHIAVELLI

You have saved my life! I was too proud to save it myself, but you have done it for me.

(MACHIAVELLI runs to her, and embraces her, planting kisses all over her face, her neck, her hands)

But this book... I swear to the Virgin Mother I did not want anyone to read it.

MARIETTA

But why not? You are a fine writer, everyone says so, and if I could read, I would say so as well, I’m sure.

MACHIAVELLI

But the meaning...I fear for the world if anyone takes the meaning to heart.

MARIETTA

Well...the Medici, he’s not a very bright boy, is he? Even though he is my third cousin twice removed on my father’s side, everyone says he is dull as a dazed calf. Perhaps he will never understand it!

MACHIAVELLI

And with me, by his side, as an advisor...perhaps I could interpret it for him. Day by day.

MARIETTA

You are still as clever as a Venetian banker, my love. Take this good fortune that I have given with my hand, through the will of the idiot Medici, and make fortune your slave once more!

MACHIAVELLI

I will be the master of my life again. Thanks to you, my beloved wife. Do you know what I am feeling again?

(he puts MARIETTA’s hand on his penis)

MARIETTA

You have come to full attention, my soldier!

MACHIAVELLI

And soon, I shall invade! Again and again!

MARIETTA

I never gave up hope!

MACHIAVELLI

There is always hope, is there not? And now, we have more than that!

(MACHIAVELLI and MARIETTA get tangled in each other’s clothes, as he tries to put her up on the table for hot and heavy sex. He fails, she nearly falls, they end up on the floor together, laughing like children. And then, he is on top of her, as the lights fade to black the audience hears MARIETTA in the darkness)

MARIETTA

Sweet invader, the castle is ready to be stormed!

(BLACKOUT, actors exit in music, as lights come up, the COMMEDIA PLAYERS enter. One carries banner that reads “END OF ACT ONE”. The other enters behind him with banner that reads “ACT TWO; SIX MONTHS LATER”)

The kitchen. Alphonso is waiting for his Marietta to appear. He tries poses on for size, to appear more dignified or more sexy, while he waits. He looks at himself in a glass. He adjusts his clothes. He is as nervous as a teenager before Prom night. He rehearses his speech (which gives time for Marietta to make a quick change)

ALPHONSO

Marietta, the sun to my moon, the flower to my bee, whose voice is all the music in the world, whose body is the secret to be savored, whose touch cures all ills in my tortured heart, whose eyes flash with laughter and light, whose feet are delicate and delectable, whose knees point me onward towards the sweet nectar just beyond your perfect thighs, whose very elbows are throbbing with desire...Too much! Why must I always be too much! She is a practical woman, after all. Try again.

So Marietta. My dear. My sweet. My love. When can we be away? I’ve sold my farm and my house in town, and with the money I received we can start all over, perhaps on the coast of Sardinia, or Sicily.

MARIETTA

Alphonso! Why would you have sold/

ALPHONSO

You said to me, that you could not leave Niccolo while he was at the bottom. The whore told me, before she left for Rome, that she had fixed everything, and soon you and I would be able to/

MARIETTA

I cannot leave him now!

ALPHONSO

Why not now?

MARIETTA

Now he is back in favor with the Court! And with that favor, comes favors for his good wife, the third cousin twice removed of the great Giuliano de Medici himself!

ALPHONSO

Favors? What favors can compare with the favors I have given you, in your bedroom, in your kitchen, on the floor of the stable, on the couch in your sitting room?

MARIETTA

Have you not seen me at Mass? How I sit with the other noble ladies? How we take the Blessed Sacrament before anyone else? And how we go about from place to place, speaking of secrets and lies, while our servants slaughter and pluck the chickens?

ALPHONSO

Marietta, what is that, compared to the fair fields of love, from whence you had been banished, and to hence I have taken you over and over?

MARIETTA

My good husband is no longer sad.

ALPHONSO

What difference does that/

MARIETTA

I said, my good husband is no longer ...sad! (MARIETTA makes a motion to convey the resurrection of Machiavelli’s penis, a gesture that she repeats until ALPHONSO repeats it with his own hands and sees what she really means)

ALPHONSO

So he wants to make love. So what? Now he has more money to spend on his whore!

MARIETTA

But I am much more clever than she. With the money we received from Medici, I have paid off the whore and sent her on her way with her purse full of florins, instead of having her pussy full of Niccolo. She seemed happy to make the trade. And now that he is no longer sad...

ALPHONSO

Don’t tell me that he has taken you to bed himself, once more?

MARIETTA

Not... once more! Over and over and over. (a pause) However, if you wish to bleed me again, we can now afford it!

ALPHONSO

I should be angry with you, but I cannot be. I can only be angry with him. He does not deserve you, Marietta. And if there is any justice left in the world, I swear to you now, he will not keep you.

Machiavelli in his study, studying his own book. Machiavelli looks like a rich and successful man, who has regained all his lost confidence.

MACHIAVELLI

(recalling the words he has just memorized from his book, as if he is giving sage advice to his new boss) “Violence must be inflicted once for all; people will then forget what it tastes like and so be less resentful as time goes by. Whereas benefits must be conferred...must be conferred...” (he consults the book, then puts it down again) “Whereas benefits must be conferred...gradually.”

(ALPHONSO enters, bearing wine.)

ALPHONSO

I’ve brought you my best wine, Niccolo. I hear congratulations are in order. Just a few months after the publication of your book, and you’ve already been elevated to a position of real power.

(ALPHONSO pours wine for the two of them, and he appears to want to toast the success of his friend. Just as he lifts his glass to do so, MACHIAVELLI walks away)

MACHIAVELLI

Yes, I must confess, it amazes me, how quickly this little book is taking the court by storm.

(MACHIAVELLI now moves to lift his glass so that his inferior, ALPHONSO, may toast his success. ALPHONSO looks as if he’s going to toast his friend’s success, but then turns away at the last moment, leaving MACHIAVELLI with no one to toast with.)

ALPHONSO

And to think that all those years of your own writings, your letters of advice, your essays, brought you some small esteem, but it was not until this book that you received the fame you deserve!

MACHIAVELLI

Yes! The fame I deserve.

ALPHONSO

Yes. So much wisdom...Everyone is asking me how you came to such new ideas.

MACHIAVELLI

I had much time in prison to contemplate these things.

ALPHONSO

Is this what you are telling people? That prison taught you how to write “The Prince”?

MACHIAVELLI

It is one way to explain it.

ALPHONSO

And have you been to Confession, Niccolo? Should you be hit by a runaway carriage and die this instant, where do you think you would spend eternity?

(MACHIAVELLI avoids ALPHONSO’s glance)

MACHIAVELLI

I have no idea what you are talking about.

ALPHONSO

She wrote it in my house, Niccolo. Your whore. Using my books for her references.

MACHIAVELLI

(a beat; then with over-acting, feigning surprise) What? Perhaps she was trying to write something, but/

ALPHONSO

She asked my opinion of her first draft. It is remarkably similar to the published copy you gave to me.

MACHIAVELLI

If you be my friend, you’ll stop this conversation now, and never speak of this again.

ALPHONSO

It is because you are my friend that I will speak of it. Only to you, Niccolo. Only to you. A Doctore keeps many confidences. I’m worried for you, for your health. I see that you are distracted. Your eyes do not look right to me. Let me examine them for signs of nervosa.

(MACHIAVELLI allows himself to be examined)

ALPHONSO

Ah, the eyes are the window to the soul, and these eyes are clouding up, Niccolo. Can you stand on one foot and rub your stomach with your left hand, and pat your head with your right?

(MACHIAVELLI tries and fails)

This is troubling. Very troubling.

MACHIAVELLI

It is true, I have dreams at night, terrible dreams, and I sometimes cannot sleep.

ALPHONSO

I knew it! Describe these dreams to me. Leave nothing out.

MACHIAVELLI

I am in a room, and suddenly I am very small, like an ant. And Guiliano de Medici strides in like a giant. At first, he pets me like a dog, and I fetch his slippers for him. Then, I see that parts of my body are starting to fall off, as if I had leprosy. I grab these parts of my body, and try to stitch them back onto my body with needle and thread, but find that I can only stitch them together with each other, so in the end, these parts of me are all of a piece, connected to each other but not connected to me, and then my hands fall off and I can no longer sew. And the last thing to fall from me is my manly member, and I cannot even pick it up, as I no longer have any hands.

ALPHONSO

Alas, this is a simple job to interpret. You owe everything to a woman. And that is the worst fate for any man who claims to have VIRTU.

(thunder clap)

This is why you are trying to stitch yourself together with the tools of a woman. And then your hands, who have become a woman’s hands, fall off. So when your manliness departs you entirely, you cannot even hold on to it.

MACHIAVELLI

You are entirely wrong about my manliness! My manliness is still with me, in the flesh, and Marietta could attest to that, my good signore! I have recovered my appetite for her, and we engage in lovemaking almost every night, sometimes twice of an evening!

ALPHONSO

You think this is proof that you are not ill, but I believe it is even further proof that you are ill indeed! You are using your manliness to continually prove to yourself that you are a real man, even though your heart whispers to you that you are not. For you are celebrated for a book not only written by a woman, but by a low born woman, a common whore. How long can you keep up this charade?

MACHIAVELLI

I confess, I didn’t think I had it in me, but in truth I am a very good liar. I have had to memorize whole parts of the book, so I may quote it as if I had written it myself. I devote hours each day to studying its theories, as I am being constantly asked, what did you mean by the fox and the lion, what does it mean it is better to be feared than loved, etcetera, and etcetera.

ALPHONSO

The effort to keep this lie going must be exhausting! I see it in the color of your eyes and the droopiness of your cheeks. Let me feel the blood pulse in your arm. (MACHIAVELLI allows the doctore to feel the pulse in his wrist) A cause for much alarm, much alarm! Your soul is exhausted! And what is exhausting your soul is this feeling that you are a fraud, that all the glory you are reaping belongs, not just to another man, but to a woman. You must confess and come clean, renounce your new title, and your humors will be in balance once more! If you do not, your condition will only worsen, until...

MACHIAVELLI

I can endure a few sleepless nights. There is wine, after all, and eventually I find my rest.

ALPHONSO

I do not think you can endure this much longer! Open your mouth, stick out your tongue!

(MACHIAVELLI does as he is told)

Your tongue is pale. Collapse is imminent! You will not find rest, until... listen, I am speaking to you now as your Doctore. You must write a letter to the whore Francesca and beg her forgiveness.... For she told me how you screamed vile curses at her for writing such a book. She has done you a great service, and you must show her gratitude... If you were to pour out your gratitude for her, for writing the book herself, and praise her for her intelligence and her wit, which, as you must admit, is her due...then your heart will recover, and your dreams will be stilled. If you don’t do this, nervosa will overtake you, and you will break, becoming a raving lunatic hearing voices coming from every vegetable and fruit, as the mad woman of the Ponte de Vecchio does! I am giving you a chance to redeem yourself, before it’s too late!

MACHIAVELLI

What fine advice! What dear friendship! This rings true, Alphonso! Just by hearing it spoken aloud, I can feel the burden lifting! I shall send her a letter, immediately, praising her for this book, thanking her for this book, begging forgiveness.

ALPHONSO

I am going to Rome tomorrow on some pressing business. I shall take your letter to Francesca myself, and that way you can pour out your heart knowing that the letter will not accidentally be opened by anyone but her. Your secret will be safe, and your soul will find rest. And I, as your Doctore, will be made happy.

The dressing room of Francesca at the largest theater in Rome. She’s just finished another performance in some farcical play. She begins to undress, enter ALPHONSO, without knocking, bearing a huge bouquet of flowers, the letter from MACHIAVELLI, and two books wrapped in fancy paper.

ALPHONSO

(as he barges in) What a performance! I have never seen this comedy played with such joy de vivre, such life!

FRANCESCA

What is so urgent that you can’t wait for me at the stage door with all the others?

ALPHONSO

Do you not recognize me, friend? Alphonso, the Doctore from Florence? Your home while you...visited... with Niccolo Machiavelli?

FRANCESCA

Alphonso? You look...like a ghost.

ALPHONSO

That’s funny you should say that. It’s exactly how I feel. I am no longer walking the earth. Suspended between heaven and hell. Only you can cut the string and send me one way or the other.

FRANCESCA

(frightened suddenly) I’d love to chat, but this is Thursday, and we mustn’t keep the Holy Father waiting.

(she tries to go but Alphonso stops her)

ALPHONSO

It’s only Tuesday.

FRANCESCA

Well then. Cardinal Forzini.

(she tries again to go, and he stops her)

ALPHONSO

You’re not afraid to speak to me, your old friend?

FRANCESCA

No, of course not. Why should I be afraid? Just because you have the look of the wolf about you now, and your eyes even seem to have turned yellow. All I have to do I is raise my voice once, and the stage manager will come to throw you out!

(Alphonso grabs her, and puts his hand over her mouth)

ALPHONSO

That wouldn’t be a good idea, Francesca. Now, I mean you no harm. In fact, I have a gift for you, perhaps the most important gift anyone has ever given. I am here to give you your fame. The fame you deserve for writing that marvelous book.

(he lets her go. He kisses her hand)

FRANCESCA

I am an actress. I write no books.

ALPHONSO

The Prince.

FRANCESCA

That book was written by the great Niccolo Machiavelli.

ALPHONSO

What if the world should know the real author? What then?

FRANCESCA

Don’t be ridiculous. Everyone knows, women are not allowed to write books.

ALPHONSO

Here, open the present I brought you. You read French, as I recall.

(she opens the book)

FRANCESCA

“The City of Ladies”. Curious title.

ALPHONSO

Look who wrote it.

FRANCESCA

There must be some mistake. This says the author is Christine de Pizan. A woman.

ALPHONSO

If you had been raised well-born, you would have seen it before.

FRANCESCA

A woman. Has she other books?

ALPHONSO

She has twenty nine other books in print and circulating all over France, and see here: another present.

(she opens it eagerly)

The same book, in Italian. It has been translated into Italian, and Spanish, and they say it is also in English somewhere. Apparently it is very popular.

FRANCESCA

A woman. Claiming credit for her own work.

ALPHONSO

We live in an age of miracles.

FRANCESCA

Thank you, dear Alphonso! But why bring this to me?

ALPHONSO

They say she made a fine living just from the sales of her books. They say she retired to a huge estate on the coast of France, alone. Widowed at a young age, she never had to marry again. She was able to be completely independent of men. Her purse was her own. Can you believe it? She lived as a man lives, free to do as she liked, whenever she liked! And all because of the power of her pen.

FRANCESCA

Paid money just to write?

ALPHONSO

Soon Niccolo Machiavelli will be both rich and famous. While you, my dearest lady, are neither.

FRANCESCA

That is his good fortune, to have written such a book.

ALPHONSO

Do you know what Niccolo always used to say about Fortune? “Fortune is a woman, and a man must beat her to have his way with her.” I think my former friend has had his way with you.

FRANCESCA

What do you want?

ALPHONSO

Justice! It’s all I have left in the world. Niccolo has wronged me, and now, I will expose him for a fraud. With your help. We will both get what we deserve in life, finally.

FRANCESCA

Even if I thought...how could I? No one would believe/

ALPHONSO

I have managed to convince him to purge his guilt by writing a letter of confession. A letter signed by his own hand.

(ALPHONSO gives FRANCESCA the letter) Meant to be seen only by you, but if you wish, it can be published. And then all the moneys from The Prince will come to you. I will attest to the truth. I, his oldest friend from childhood, I will attest to the signature at the bottom of this letter.

FRANCESCA

He’s offering his gratitude, at last?

ALPHONSO

You gave him your greatness. And what did he give you in return? This paltry letter of gratitude. And only after my urgings, my pleadings, that he untie the guilt that is slowly strangling him about the neck, for he knows the praise he receives is praise that belongs to another; and what is worse, belongs to a woman.

You write like a man, I know you can think like one. Such a mind that conceived a book like The Prince, such a mind has more to say, more books to write, I know it! But first, unmask this fool Machiavelli! He thinks you loved him, but I know it was his money that you most loved. Take his fame from him, with both your hands, and I will help!

Alphonso with Machiavelli in his Study.

ALPHONSO

I’m telling you, Niccolo, it is the only topic of conversation in Rome. She is claiming to be the author of your book. To anyone who will listen. And of course, she is still sleeping with every rich and powerful man who can pay. And every cock she pleases comes attached with two ears.

MACHIAVELLI

Why would she do such a thing?

ALPHONSO

Perhaps it is her time of the month, or she may be going into her change early. They say prostitutes often get the change early. Or syphilis. Or one causes the other. Women are unpredictable, as we both know.

MACHIAVELLI

No one believes her, of course.

ALPHONSO

Of course! But she does have the ear of the Pope. Along with other more precious body parts, if gossip is a guide.

MACHIAVELLI

I made a petition to the Pope for his patronage, for my History of Florence! If he thinks me a liar...

ALPHONSO

People are saying she is having a new printing of The Prince done under her own name! They say some rich nobleman is paying for it.

MACHIAVELLI

A folly. Who would believe a woman capable of such a book?

ALPHONSO

I agree with you completely. However.. the rumors are this new printing of The Prince will have a letter from Niccolo Machiavelli on the first page, a letter thanking one Francesca de la Tours for writing the book. How despicable that she should turn your kindness to her advantage.

MACHIAVELLI

Who is she, after all, to attack a writer of my stature! Anyone can fabricate such a letter!

ALPHONSO

Of course! If it is her word against yours. She will quietly fade away.

MACHIAVELLI

Yes.

ALPHONSO

(thinking feverishly on his feet) Except...this is Francesca, who does nothing quietly, yes? Rumor has it she will soon show the letter to Giuliano de Medici, who has seen your signature, and knows your hand...as she seeks from him his patronage to write another book even greater than The Prince.

MACHIAVELLI

My honor! I will be entirely without honor! My salary, and my position, and my gravitas as an advisor, my reputation, my fame, my position!

ALPHONSO

And the ridicule at Court! That you took the work of a woman, a woman!

MACHIAVELLI

Food for my enemies! And now, I have so many! Since Giuliano has elevated me to high estate...

ALPHONSO

Those who have been jealous, their knives will be out, and they will be sharp, my friend!

MACHIAVELLI

What can I do? You’ve been my friend since we were children, your advice has always been for my highest good. What do you advise me to do now, Doctore?

ALPHONSO

My advice...is to take all the money you have and flee! Leave Marietta and the farm behind you, and build a new life, perhaps in Arabia. Or England.

MACHIAVELLI

There must be another way.

ALPHONSO

I see no other way. You must leave before the faithless whore gets to Florence with this letter. For you know Francesca, nothing will stop her once she puts her mind on something.

MACHIAVELLI

I can appeal to Francesca for mercy, out of love for me. She has been away from me in Rome, she has forgotten with what ardor she worshipped me! I will go to her in Rome and...remind her. Remind her again and again, if necessary.

ALPHONSO

You believe she loves you.

MACHIAVELLI

Of course. Why else would she have left her profitable business in Rome to stay with me in my time of need?

ALPHONSO

(again, thinking on his feet, feverishly) Oh my dear, dear friend. She was being paid. And paid dearly. By your wife. And sworn to secrecy by Marietta. I know this must cover you in shame, to know the dishonor of such a thing. How could you ever face your wife again? You must flee, and flee... alone.

MACHIAVELLI

Marietta knew of this? Marietta paid her, out of her household allowances? What a virtuous woman, what a remarkable wife! I shall take my good wife with me, Alphonso! We will go into exile together! At least I will have my good wife, some comfort in dark days. For although she is old, she has learned new tricks, and has surprising delights still to share with me.

ALPHONSO

Wait! As her Doctore, I must object! Your wife, she is in fragile health. She hides it from you, but it is true. Any travel at all, and her heart...her heart will explode in her chest! I have heard it, laboring and failing!

(desperation in his voice) You must flee quickly, alone. I promise to stay by your dear Marietta’s side and help her through the shock of your disappearance with all of my medicinal arts. I shall take good care of her, for you, dear friend. Free of charge. Fortune has turned her back on you, my poor friend, and you have no choice but to obey.

(MACHIAVELLI goes to embrace ALPHONSO as if in farewell, but as he embraces him, MACHIAVELLI tightens his grip on ALPHONSO, whose back is to the audience. MACHIAVELLI speaks directly into the ear of the captive ALPHONSO)

MACHIAVELLI

Yes. Fortune has turned her back on me. But perhaps with some help. My oldest friend. So quick to offer favors, to take my letter to Francesca.... And to care of my wife...free of charge! And what happens to you, my dear Alphonso, if I do not flee? Perhaps you are the one who should make arrangements to leave.

(MACHIAVELLI pushes ALPHONSO away: ALPHONSO exits)

Backstage in Francesca’s dressing room in Rome. It is late at night. FRANCESCA puts her street clothes on and is almost out the door when MACHIAVELLI enters, with his two hired men, DONALDO and PAULO.

MACHIAVELLI

Francesca, my love. Why are you staying so late, so alone, in your dressing room?

FRANCESCA

Niccolo! I wasn’t expecting you, my love! What are you doing in Rome? I hear your book is selling very well here, have you come to speak with your publisher?

MACHIAVELLI

I’ve heard some disturbing news from my friend, Alphonso. He was here recently, was he not?

FRANCESCA

Why yes, he was here a fortnight ago, delivering your exquisite letter. What a fine writer you are, Niccolo! And now all the world knows what a fine writer you are!

MACHIAVELLI

Ever the actress, and what is acting but deception, as in the words “my love,” that fall from your lips so easily, with such practice? Only I see through these deceptions, my love, my Francesca. You don’t appear as an actress to me any more, only as a woman.

FRANCESCA

Let’s finish this discussion at a tavern, near by. There are fine wines, and I can get us a good price...

(MACHIAVELLI motions to PAOLO, who blocks the exit)

FRANCESCA

I was waiting for you to introduce me to your friends.

PAULO

We are indeed his friends. Temporarily. It was not always so, but it is, now.

DONALDO

We were not friends in the Bargello, when we added a few inches to the length of each arm, right, Paulo? But now, he has bought our friendship with a pretty purse.

MACHIAVELLI

You know all about those pretty purses, don’t you, my love?

FRANCESCA

And for what reason do you bring these “friends” to see me, so late at night?

MACHIAVELLI

My friend, Alphonso, told me there are rumors, Rumors that I have confirmed these last two days in Rome, where I’ve been sitting in the darkened corners of taverns near the Court, and asking about the story of the woman who claims to have written a great book.

FRANCESCA

Rumors only.

MACHIAVELLI

Yes, for now. While you are still in Rome. And rumors can be stopped. Do you know how I can stop these rumors, Francesca?

FRANCESCA

I shall help you stop them, my love.

MACHIAVELLI

Do not call me “my love”! It cuts me clean through like a rapier! You thrust it into me again, and I cannot control what the result will be!

FRANCESCA

But my love, truly, you have been my love, for didn’t I fly to your side when the whole world was against you? Didn’t I nurse you back to health with my touch, my lips, my/

MACHIAVELLI

Enough! How did you add it up? So much for a kiss? So much for a caress? So much for a good hard fuck!

(MACHIAVELLI gives a nod to the men: DONALDO and PAULO start roughly searching through her dressing room)

FRANCESCA

What are they looking for, my love?

MACHIAVELLI

Not those words, again! I told you, not those words!

FRANCESCA

It’s the only way I know how to speak to you. For I am a woman.

MACHIAVELLI

They are looking for my letter.

FRANCESCA

Is that all? I will give it gladly! Call off your dogs, and allow me to give it to you myself.

(MACHIAVELLI signals to his men. They stop. Francesca produces the letter from a hidden place.

FRANCESCA

There. You have what you want. Now go.

MACHIAVELLI

Ah. But I must have these rumors stopped, completely. Especially anything you might whisper into the ear of the Holy Father, for he is about to commission me to write my great History of Florence.

FRANCESCA

(trembling) You have my word.

MACHIAVELLI

The word of a whore. I suppose I could kill you and that would be the end of it. But for the memory of all those happy hours, I cannot bring myself to order it. But if I do nothing, then I suppose you would mock me for being too soft. And when my back is turned, publish my book with your name on it.

FRANCESCA

No my noble Lord, I would not!

MACHIAVELLI

You would not, today. But you might, tomorrow. Which is where my two friends enter into our arrangement. My friends will convince you to keep your mouth closed. They are available to do such a service again, and again...if the need should arise.

(MACHIAVELLI motions to the men, DONALDO grabs her hands and holds them behind her back) I cannot bring myself to do it with my own hands. But it must be done. As you well know.

(to the men) Beat her! Beat her senseless.

(to the cowering FRANCESCA) And afterwards, my faithless pet, I shall offer you a reward from the deep well of my mercy. I shall write a play for you to star in, a happy commedia...perhaps about a cuckolded husband and a lying friend, and a cunning mistress or two. A popular tale. Yes, you could star in it, and in that way you will have something to look forward to, after your wounds heal.

FRANCESCA

You are not capable of such a thing!

MACHIAVELLI

I was not capable of such things, until I came to understand a certain book. A book that came to me at first as an adopted child, but has now become flesh of my flesh.

(PAULO and DONALDO deliver a stylized savage beating onto a silent Francesca, in the Commedia style, as if all three of them were now performing in a Commedia, as Machiavelli’s shadow grows and grows until it nearly covers the stage. Music swells; Vivaldi’s Winter from the Four Seasons. )

END OF PLAY