The Maternal Instinct

the Party. TIME: the present. PLACE: Cambridge, the living room of Sarah and Lillian. As lights come up, Sarah is trying to put up a banner that says “Happy Anniversary”. The phone is ringing. Sarah answers.

SARAH Hello….Emma, you absolutely have to come!…You know why!…Yeah, but can’t the babysitter deal with…

LILLIAN (entering) Who is it?

SARAH Emma says she can’t come.

LILLIAN Give me that! (on the phone) You ARE coming, right?…If you don’t come, it’ll just be the two of us and FRED! You have any idea how weird that’s going to be?….Well, put her on the phone. Yes, let me talk to her. (to a five year old girl on the phone) Lily? Are you being a good girl for your Mummy?…But you have to let your Mummy come to my party….Yes, I know Sam does that some times. Tell him Auntie Lillian says to stop hitting you or I’ll turn him into a mouse in my lab. Remember all the mice Auntie Lillian showed you in her lab? Well, you tell Sam they all used to be naughty little boys who bothered their sisters…

SARAH (taking the phone from Lillian) Lily? Don’t you dare tell that to Sam, your Auntie Lillian was making a joke, okay? Now, sweetheart, remember how we all came to your birthday party? Well Auntie Lillian needs a party, too…Yes, she’s been very good this year…No, you can’t come. Not this time. Next year you can come. I promise. Next year you and Sam…Okay, if Sam is mean then we won’t let him come. Tell him that, okay? If he’s mean to you, he can’t come to Auntie Lillian’s next party…Yes, I will give your Mummy a big piece of cake to send home just for you…. No, if he’s mean Sam can’t have any. He’ll just have to watch you eat cake, and be sad.

LILLIAN (answering the door, and calling out toward the phone) If he hits you, just hit him back!

FRED (as he enters) Is somebody hitting Sarah?

SARAH (into the phone) No, that wasn’t Auntie Lillian, that was noise from the TV. We’ll see you tomorrow, okay? But you have to let your Mommy come to our house tonight. Love you, too! (she hangs up the phone)

LILLIAN Sarah just talked Lily out of a temper tantrum. Darlin’, how do you do that?

SARAH What do you think I do in my classroom all day? Kids are easy. Parents are hard. (she kisses Fred on the cheek in greeting) I’ve got to finish icing the cake. Happy Anniversary, gorgeous! (she kisses Lillian and exits)

FRED You got very lucky there, you know.

LILLIAN Yeah, I know. So, is that my present? Can I open my present?

FRED No, you can’t open your present, not yet. There are traditions involved in these things. Traditions are the markers of a civilized people. However, you could open the champagne.

LILLIAN You brought champagne? For me?

FRED Of course not.

LILLIAN But you just saidFRED Oh, well, I told the chap at the off-license about…and he sold me this! (he pulls out a bottle labeled “Cham-plain”) Isn’t this clever? They call it Cham-plainLILLIAN Bet it tastes like some cheap watered-down…

SARAH (as she re-enters the living room from the wings) Now, Lil. That was very kind of Fred, I bet it’s just terrific. Open it, Fred. We’ll all have some.

LILLIAN If I can’t have the real thing, I definitely don’t want THAT.

FRED All right then. How about some music? Music is also traditional, I believe, at these sorts of things. I brought something Latin. Isn’t that what you danced to at your wedding?

SARAH What a sweet thing to do. But I still have a few things to do in the kitchen, so (she puts the CD in and the music starts) …Maybe Fred wants to dance. Fred, why don’t you dance with Lillian while I…

FRED She doesn’t follow me in the lab, what makes you think she’s going to follow me if…

LILLIAN You want to lead? Okay, I’ll let you lead.

FRED No, I don’t thinkLILLIAN Come on, Fred. Didn’t your mother make you take ballroom dancing? Isn’t that what the gentry do to their young?

FRED I can perform, if called upon to do so. (Sarah tries to walk past them on her way to another room to get something for the party: Lillian grabs her around the waist playfully, and they do a very impressive Tango together)

LILLIAN Next year, Sarah and I are going to win a trophy. It’s supposed to look like Ginger Rogers, dancing with herself.

SARAH The trick to it is, two people become one.

FRED Hardly appropriate, then, for ME to dance with Lillian. (the music stops, Sarah goes offstage to get Lillian’s present)

FRED So how does it feel to be sober for an entire year?

LILLIAN It feels…sobering. (Sarah re-enters carrying a very large, beautifully wrapped gift)

LILLIAN Yup. So, bring on the presents. What did you all get me? Something SHINY? Something BIG and SHINY?

FRED I thought you hated jewelry.

LILLIAN I do. I want a car. It’s not fair, Sarah has one and I don’t.

SARAH Nobody’s buying you a car, Lil. In fact, maybe you shouldn’t be having any cake! Aren’t they going to give you a cake at the meeting tonight?

LILLIAN I don’t know. Do they do that sort of thing?

SARAH Maybe we should have invited your sponsor. But Lillian won’t tell me his name…

LILLIAN It’s Anonymous. That’s the whole point.

FRED But I met your first sponsor, and your second. They didn’t seem to be all that worried aboutLILLIAN (reaching for Sarah’s big package) All right then, let me see what it is!

SARAH No, wait until Emma gets here!

LILLIAN That’s ridiculous. Why should I sit here, staring into space, when I could be opening presents! (Lillian opens Fred’s gift) Very nice, but I already own a copy of the Fellowship of the Ring.

FRED Open the front cover, you ingrate.

LILLIAN Oh my God. Where did you get this?

FRED The rare book dealer in Copley Square.

LILLIAN Sarah, look at this. It’s a first edition, signed. Oh my God! (she gets up and gives Fred a big kiss and hug) I don’t deserve this.

FRED Yes, you do. When we publish, I’ll get you an signed first edition of the rest of the trilogy!

SARAH Bollocks, now my present’s going to look like

LILLIAN Anything you give me I HAVE to love, don’t I? Because it’s from you, darlin’. So what piddling, negligible, cheap piece of shit did you buy me?

SARAH Now I’m taking it back, and you’re neverLILLIAN You know I’m joking. Give me that! (they struggle playfully over a beautifully wrapped gift; Lillian finally wrestles it away from her, and opens it: a small sculpture)

SARAH I got Joan to do it for you. It’s a sculpture. For your desk.

LILLIAN I can see that. It’s…it’s great. Just great! (a beat) A sculpture of what, exactly?

SARAH She calls it, “Sarah and Lillian, Sittin’ In a Tree”. There’s our favorite bench, on the park, with the big chestnut tree, and instead of us on the bench, we’re over here. In the tree. Get it?

LILLIAN Right. Now that you point it out, I can see it. It’s…

SARAH And underneath the tree, there’s this.

LILLIAN That little spot?

SARAH It’s a pram! You know, a baby carriage! Sarah and Lillian, Sittin’ in a Tree, K-I-S-S-I-NG…didn’t you ever skip, for Christ sakes?

LILLIAN No. So the two of us are in a tree, and what’s with the baby carriage?

SARAH It’s part of the skipping song; “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Sarah with a baby carriage”.

LILLIAN I can see where that would work out for breeders.

FRED Last I heard, lesbians could get pregnant.

LILLIAN Well, theoretically, sure, but who’d want to do that?

SARAH I would!

LILLIAN Very funny.

SARAH It’s not funny to me, maybe it’s exactly what I want.

LILLIAN Oh, come on. It’s not part of being…US.

SARAH Why not?

LILLIAN It’s not part of being ME.

SARAH How do you know it’s not part of being YOU?

LILLIAN Look, the time to ask me about kids was before we stood up and said “I do”.

SARAH How could I even imagine kids until…and here you are, sober for a whole year!

LILLIAN Sober enough to know I’m not interested. (Sarah bursts into tears) Christ, what did I do wrong?

FRED Well, first, you didn’t listen, but we’re all used to that by now. Second, you didn’t offer a real argument, you just tried to shut one off. That’s not like you, Lillian.

SARAH If you don’t like MY present, wait ‘till you see what Emma got you!

LILLIAN I think your present is lovely. Very…Sarah-like. Come over here, darlin’. Sit down right here, and stop crying. Crying never gets you anywhere but wet.

SARAH That’s a stupid thing to say.

LILLIAN Yeah, I know. My mother used to say it. Where does this come from, all of a sudden?

SARAH Sixteen people walking down the street, I see the one; the one in the buggy. Or the little carrier thingie, lets you walk around with the baby on your back, the little head bobbing up and down, looking around, eyes drinking it all in, scoping out this whole new world. Babies radiate. They glow.

LILLIAN Look, I’m sure you’d be a great Mom, but me, I’d-

SARAH You’d be amazing, too.

LILLIAN Based on what?

SARAH If Emma can do it

LILLIAN That’s the argument my mother used to make about sleeping with men. If Emma can do it.

FRED I’ll just leave you two alone and…

LILLIAN Don’t you dare! Fred, you’re a neutral observer, you tell me, aren’t I doing my very best to try and listen?

SARAH Yes, Fred, you are a neutral observer. Tell her what an arsehole she’s being!

FRED Is there a gun in the house, so I can just shoot myself now and get it over with?

SARAH Sit down, Fred. This wasn’t your fault. Stay. There’s cake.

FRED I have an early tutorial tomorrow, I really should…

LILLIAN For fuck’s sake, Fred, don’t be such a pussy. I get it now. It’s because of that baby shower last month. All those lactating heterosexuals, they brainwashed you!

SARAH Nobody brainwashed me, it’s just-

(enter EMMA)

EMMA Where’s my brilliant sister? Where’s my brilliant, sober sister?

LILLIAN Emma! What took you so long?

EMMA What’s wrong with Sarah?

SARAH Lillian’s being a shit. And she’s not in the mood for your present.

LILLIAN I’m ALWAYS in the mood for presents.

SARAH We’ll see.

EMMA No, this is a good present. Maybe the very best present you’ve ever had. Go ahead; open it. (she hands Lillian an envelope)

LILLIAN This better be more than a card.

SARAH Trust me. It’s more.

(Lillian opens it, reads it, and shows it to Fred)

LILLIAN You got me a MAN?

EMMA I didn’t get you a man! I got you, and Sarah, the father for your future baby! We spent two months looking at profiles down at the Cambridge Sperm Bank, and this one, this is THE ONE.

LILLIAN Fred, look at this, can you believe this?

EMMA When Sarah and I saw his profile, we just knew.

LILLIAN Wait a minute. Sarah and you both…you’ve been looking for Mister Perfect together?

EMMA You don’t think I’d leave my sister-in-law out of the most important decision in her life, do you?

LILLIAN But you’d leave ME out of it, because…

EMMA Because it’s a surprise! A very big, important surprise, for a very big, important day! Congratulations. Time for you to stop spoiling my children and have one of your own.

LILLIAN Whoa! That’s not happening. Just…not happening.

SARAH You adore Sam and Lily!

LILLIAN That’s completely differentSARAH All this time, studying mothers and babies, there’s obviously something about the whole thing that attracts you! Right, Fred?

FRED Well…

LILLIAN Tell her what we’re actually doing, Fred.

FRED I don’t want to say, right before cake. And I was really looking forward to the cake.

SARAH I know you’re doing something with mothers and babies, andFRED We genetically engineer the mothers…they won’t feed them. The babies.

LILLIAN We’ve isolated the gene for the maternal instinct, and now we can turn it off and on like a faucet. Those babies are being starved to death, even as we speak.

FRED See, now I predict there will be no cake.

EMMA My God, Lillian, why on earth would anyone ever…

LILLIAN If we can turn the most powerful instinct in nature off and on, then…who knows? Anything’s game for manipulation. All those pesky little vices inherent in human nature…or inherited in the gene pool…well, if we can make mothers starve their babies, we can do anything. Right Fred?

FRED I personally don’t think there will be practical implications, not in my life time, anyway, but the sheer scientific achievement of the thing…breathtaking, isn’t it?

EMMA Breathtaking.

SARAH What does this have to do with us having a baby?

LILLIAN Babies require things. Well, they require people. And time. And I am going to be in the lab, darlin’. I am going to be in the lab for/

SARAH What, for the next twenty years?

LILLIAN Ask Emma what it was like for the both of us, to grow up with a mother who was always off somewhere else, always doing something more important.

EMMA And the “something more important” was usually getting drunk at the nearest pub. But that’s hardly the case here, right? There’s a big difference between a mother who’s a lush, and a mother who’s probably going to win the Nobel Fucking Prize. Jesus, Lillian, when were you going to tell us about this?

FRED We weren’t going to tell unless it worked. And this week, the first batch popped out, and…

LILLIAN (lifting a glass of fizzy water to toast their achievement) Here’s to the first batch of dying baby mice! (nobody joins her toast)

SARAH If this is such a big deal, you’ll make tenure. And get grant money. And a promotion. So I can stay home with the baby. Game, set, match!

(SARAH high-fives EMMA)

FRED Let’s try this: how much do you want to have a baby, Sarah? On a scale of one to ten, one being enough to think about it occasionally, and ten being borderline obsessional?

SARAH Eleven.

FRED Then I think Lillian had better get used to changing nappies.

LILLIAN You traitor! We’re a team!

FRED Follow along, team-mate. Lillian needs Sarah, yes? Required for happiness?

LILLIAN Of course.

FRED And Sarah needs a baby, required for her happiness, yes?

SARAH Thank you. Somebody’s finally listening to me.

FRED So it naturally follows, that Lillian needs to give Sarah what she needs. Q.E.D. Other people do good science and bring up children, no reason why you two couldn’tSARAH I knew there was a reason I liked you!

EMMA That’s brilliant, Fred. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

FRED Of course you couldn’t. Psychologists aren’t supposed to be clear, you’d scare the patients.

LILLIAN Wait a god-damned minute! Fred’s argument has a hole I can drive a bus through! The sperm donor! Academic accomplishments, they can be checked, but what about what’s hidden just a little further back in the family tree? They can ask all the questions they can possibly come up with, and still miss it, still miss the flaw, the crack, the easily overlooked potential for addiction, psychosis, neurosis… What do they do, a ten minute interview? An hour? Sorry, my loves. Until you find the absolutely perfect donor, game’s over, I win. As far as I’m concerned, Emma still owes me a real present. I’ll be happy to get Sarah a puppy, if she wants something cute and cuddly to play with. Now, who wants cake?

One week later. Late at night in the lab. The lab is indicated by a pool of light, perhaps down center. Lillian, in a lab coat. She begins playing a CD; The Gymnopedies, by Erik Satie. She has brought a little box in with her, it has Mother Courage Mouse and her babies in it. She speaks to the mice as she works on a formula she is writing and rewriting on a blackboard, which is indicated by her writing in the air, as though the audience were looking through the blackboard as the Fourth Wall.The scene is played facing the “blackboard”, which means facing the audience.

LILLIAN (to the mouse in the box) This is all your fault, you furry little thesis-destroyer! (she looks in the box) Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck it! You want to tell me whatever possessed you to do this? (she writes some on the board, as Fred enters unseen, watching) Although, I must admit, your babies are pretty cute. For naked fur-less rodent babies the size of erasers, pretty bloody cute.

FRED So this is where you disappeared to.

LILLIAN Fred! (she turns off the CD) You scared me to death! Sneaking up on me like that.

FRED You’re doing brilliant stuff here.

LILLIAN You didn’t come here to tell me that. I already know that.

FRED Maybe I enjoy just watching you work?

LILLIAN Deviant.

FRED (in a dry, teasing throw-away comment) You know you really want me. That’s why I never take off my shirt in front of you. (Fred picks up some chalk, and he begins to add to Lillian’s formula) What would happen to Sarah if I turned you heterosexual? (Fred makes another addition on the board) See that? Now that’s lovely. You did the big part, but without this on the end….see it?

LILLIAN Nice.

FRED Sarah called. Call her back, please.

LILLIAN Why would Sarah call YOU?

FRED She says you never check your phone. And I’m tired of being in the middle of all this. She can’t talk to you, so she talks to me. She’s got some very good arguments about sperm donors.

LILLIAN Stay out of this one, boss.

FRED She might just leave, you know? People have been known to do that, over things like this.

LILLIAN She might just get over it, you know? People have been known to do that, too.

FRED What’s the most powerful instinct in nature?

LILLIAN Self-preservation.

FRED Procreation.

LILLIAN Not in my nature, boss.

FRED Well, it’s in hers.

LILLIAN God, Fred! You are ill-equipped, and I mean it in every possible sense of that phrase, to deal with this! This is my business. OUR business. If you want to be helpful, help me figure out what’s gone wrong with the experiment.

FRED Something’s wrong?

LILLIAN Mother Courage over here.

FRED What…?

LILLIAN 227B. Take a look. She’s started to nurture.

FRED What do you mean, “nurture.”

LILLIAN She started feeding.

FRED Why?

LILLIAN I don’t have an explanation for it. Yet. Thought I might work on this end of the problem, retrace my steps, see where we went wrong…

FRED But we didn’t go wrong! If we’d gone wrong, the whole group would be doing it. And you said it’s just the one, right?

LILLIAN Just the one.

FRED Well, then, we’ll have to dissect it.

LILLIAN You’re not killing this mouse, Fred.

FRED Lillian! You’re getting sentimental over a lab animal?

LILLIAN Killing her won’t help us at all, not if it’s behavioral. (Lillian erases part of what Fred added, and changes it) What do you think, Boss? Think I might be on to something here?

FRED What you’ve got on the third line from the top? It’s wrong. It’s also… (he checks his watch) … my God, it’s nearly midnight! Take a break, Lill. Go call your wife!

LILLIAN Will you let me work, please?

FRED And how long will you be able to work if she leaves you? Since you met Sarah, you’ve been sober as a judge. The longest continuous period of time since…

LILLIAN Oh, Christ! Is that it?

FRED We work TOGETHER. That means if you can’t work, I can’t work.

LILLIAN You said you were going to trust me. You’re finally sending me to a conference, alone, because you trust me to stay away from the bar and

FRED Tell me that if she walked out tomorrow, you’d be here the next day, ready to work.

LILLIAN Look, I know you need me.

FRED Especially if the research starts going down hill

LILLIAN It’s not going down hill, because I’m going to figure it out. If you’ll let me. Okay? And you call Sarah. Tell her I’m going to be in the lab for…tell her I might be here all night. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. (Lillian turns the music back up. Slow fade to black as she continues to work at the blackboard)

A week later, the apartment. they are getting ready for bed. Sarah is reading a book at one end of the sofa: Lillian is reading a book at the other end. Lillian tries to gently seduce Sarah throughout this scene, trying to nibble her ear, trying to touch her, hold her, kiss her.

LILLIAN Time for bed. Have to get up early, get some lab time in before I go to the airport. Fred needs me to fix a glitch-

(no response from Sarah)

But if I go to bed now, I could have some time for, you know, whatever you might want…

(no response from Sarah)

Just in case you might….

(no response from Sarah)

What do I need to do to get you to put down that book?

SARAH It’s a very good book.

LILLIAN Oh. What’s so good about it?

SARAH You don’t want to know.

LILLIAN Sure I do.

SARAH It’s about natural childbirth.

LILLIAN You want to know what my book’s about?

SARAH No.

LILLIAN Don’t you miss me? Even a little bit?

SARAH I miss you like crazy.

LILLIAN So, come to bed.

SARAH I’m getting very attached to this sofa.

LILLIAN Darlin’, it can’t be good for your back.

SARAH So you want me to go to bed with you for the good of my back?

LILLIAN And other things.

SARAH Are you willing to talk about it yet?

LILLIAN How much longer can you stay angry?

SARAH I’m not mad at you.

LILLIAN Do you want to dance? Maybe if I put on some music….

SARAH Think that will put me in the mood?

LILLIAN Why not? It used to produce spectacular results.

(Lillian goes to put a CD on, starts looking through a stack for just the right CD: Sarah follows her, and takes the CD from her hand)

SARAH You want spectacular results? Then you tell me right now we can raise a child together.

LILLIAN Is this the way it goes? I agreed to marriage to make you happy, but instead, see what it’s done? Started a whole other series of things I must do to make Sarah happy.

SARAH I’m not giving up on this.

LILLIAN I told you, we are not going to play Russian roulette with some sperm donor, who knows what kind of gene-pool surprise is lurking in there? You got some info on a form, you think that tells you anything? Some moron on his gap year who needs a few quid to get his butterfly tattoo lasered off his arse. Besides, you don’t need a baby. You’ve got me.

SARAH Haven’t you ever wanted something so badly, that just the wanting of it got bigger and bigger until it filled everything up?

LILLIAN Oh, I want something all the time. But I gave it up for um…gee, do you remember? I gave it up for YOU! If I wanted to waltz away with you, I’d have to wave goodbye to booze, all that lovely mind-numbing, buzz-creating, brain-cell destroying stuff.

SARAH You gave up killing yourself. You gave up

LILLIAN Alcohol is just a drink to you, Sarah. And I didn’t just give it up once. I have to give it up every fucking day for the rest of my life. If I can do that for you, can’t you give this up, for me?

(There is a long moment where Sarah starts toward the bedroom, but then she stops, and goes back to the sofa. End of scene)

The park bench. Sarah enters, with a book: “Best 100 Baby Names”. Tries to read, can’t focus, puts the book down, enter Emma.

EMMA I cancelled four clients to come out here and meet you. What’s all this crap about leaving?

SARAH I’m waiting for her to go to that conference. Then I’m packing all my stuff, and by the time she comes back, I’ll be—can I stay at your place for a while? I’ll babysit! I’ll watch Sam and Lily, and you and David can go out to dinner, and, and it’ll be just like having a free nanny!

EMMA I can’t! And you can’t, either. What’s the first thing she’ll do once she knows you’re gone?

SARAH I can’t be responsible for her.

EMMA You ARE responsible for her. That’s what marriage means. You said. “Till death do us part”.

SARAH It’s supposed to be 50-50! With Lillian it’s more like

EMMA Addicts are needy people. And you knew exactly who she was when you

SARAH You know what? Maybe she would have grown up more, if you’d let her.

EMMA Excuse me?

SARAH She’s a thirty year old baby, how did she get that way?

EMMA Wait a minute, you’re saying I’m responsible

SARAH You keep bailing her out of trouble, always there at the other end of the phone, always ready to-

EMMA She’s my sister!

SARAH And you never let her hit rock bottom. Isn’t that what addicts are supposed to do? Between you and Fred, she’s never had to grow the fuck up!

(a moment of angry silence)

EMMA I’ve got an ordinary mind, I’ll do ordinary things. But Lillian…You want to take the chance of that…that gift… being destroyed one fucking brain cell at a time, while we wait for her to hit bottom? Really?

Being her sister is crazy-making. It’s also a privilege. And it’s a privilege to be her wife, too. Isn’t it? Because anything she discovers, anything she cures, you get a little piece of that. You and me both. And Fred, too. Okay. Let’s calm down, think this through. It all comes down to the donor, right?

SARAH She’s holding out for the perfect donor, because that ball’s in her court. She’ll always have a reason to say “no”.

EMMA But Lillian is rational. And I think…maybe… I have the perfect donor. Someone she couldn’t possibly reject. Someone she admires. Maybe the only person she knows who’s more clever than she is..

SARAH Einstein’s dead. And Stephen Hawking’s probably not available

EMMA Fred.

SARAH You can’t be serious.

EMMA It would appeal to Lillian, that Fred’s genes wouldn’t…they wouldn’t go to waste. You like Fred, right?

SARAH Of course I do. He’s like Lillian, but… sweeter.

EMMA I think it could work.

SARAH Maybe. Maybe. But you’d have to convince her. If I even begin to try to talk about it, she leaves the room.

EMMA We’ll have lunch before I take her to the airport. Lunch out here. She’s always calmer out here, on this bench, looking out at the swans. I’ll ease her into it, and then—I promise you, Sarah, I can do this. I can see it all in my head. I can make it work.

SARAH But…Fred? I can’t imagine ever asking Fred

EMMA I’ve known Fred a long time. I know exactly what to say.

Next week. The park bench. Enter Terry, who’s drinking vodka out of a bottle in a paper bag. She sits. Enter Fred.

FRED Excuse me, but would you mind going somewhere else to drink?

TERRY Ouch.

FRED Look, I’m meeting a friend here, and this is where we always meet, so… Okay, here’s…five pounds. Bench rental. Do we have a deal?

TERRY (she takes the money, and leaves) Ouch.

(Enter Emma, with a little boy’s colorful lunch box)

FRED What’s THAT?

EMMA Sam’s lunch box. He decided just this morning he’d grown out of it. (She starts to eat lunch) Can you imagine that? Yesterday it was his favorite, and today…well today he’s just too dignified to be seen with it. But I’d already packed it, so I may as well eat it.

FRED So the poor child is just going to starve?

EMMA No, Sam’s decided he has to have the hot lunch. Like the popular kids.

FRED Conforming already. Tell him Uncle Fred doesn’t approve. So, you said you had reliable intelligence. Have they made up yet?

EMMA Nope. Sarah’s still sleeping on the sofa This is all wrong.

FRED I agree. Things are not moving in the proper direction.

EMMA They belong together, don’t they Fred? Sarah and Lillian.

FRED Who else could Lillian ever belong to…I mean in that way…she belongs to us, of course, but not in that way.

EMMA Remember, at the party? She said it would be all right, if we could find the perfect donor. If the donor were somebody we know, somebody with impeccable genes, somebody almost as clever as Lillian

FRED There are very few people almost as smart as Lillian. (Emma smiles at Fred) Wait a minute! That’s absurd!

EMMA No, it’s not, it’s perfect!

FRED You want me to

EMMA Just imagine a kid with Sarah’s looks and your intelligence

FRED No, absolutely not. Fatherhood is completely outside of my expertise.

EMMA You wouldn’t have to act like a father, you could be Uncle Fred. Just like you are with Sam and Lily. Only this way, you’d really be part of the family.

FRED Part of the family?

EMMA Imagine passing on your genes as a kind of gift! As a scientist, that has to intrigue you, just a little, right?

FRED Not that I’m even remotely considering this, but…what does Sarah think?

EMMA She’s willing to try it.

FRED Then why didn’t she ask me herself?

EMMA Would you want to look Professor Frederick Ormond in the eye and ask him to please father your child?

FRED And Lillian…Lillian wants me?

EMMA You know how much she respects you. She’ll see the logic in it.

FRED Wait a minute. She WILL? Future tense?

EMMA I wanted to get your consent before I…before I told Lillian the good news.

FRED But you’re sure she’ll approve.

EMMA With you involved? Of course! You’ll see, Fred. This is going to be just perfect. Sarah and Lillian, sittin’ in a tree…. (looks at her watch) Gotta run. Lily’s getting an award at school, and—won’t it be great, if someday little Fred or Lillian junior’s getting an award? Science fairs…other such events… Just imagine it, Fred!

(Emma kisses him on the cheek and exits: lights down slowly on Fred, as an uncharacteristic smile spreads on his face)

As lights come up on park bench, we see Emma and Lillian, having lunch.

LILLIAN I don’t see why we had to come out here to have lunch. There might be traffic on the ring road.

EMMA How many times have I taken you to the airport? And how many times were you late?

LILLIAN Past doesn’t predict the future. Let’s eat quickly and get going.

EMMA Come on, relax. Enjoy the view. So what are these conferences of yours like, anyway? The other women…do they ever talk about normal stuff? You know, life at home, talk about their kids?

LILLIAN No.

EMMA See, that’s interesting. Because when I go to the National Meeting for Cognitive Therapists, I meet the same group of women every year. We show off new pictures of kids and grandkids... Doesn’t ANYBODY

LILLIAN Come to think of it, the woman from Cal Tech has a kid, makes us all look at baby pictures. Oh, I say all the right things, like “He’s getting so big”. Of course he’s getting big, they must be feeding the poor kid Big Macs and beer, he looks like a Sumo wrestler! Other than that

EMMA How does that make you feel, when she does that? With the baby pictures?

LILLIAN Oh, Jesus!

EMMA Could you see yourself talking to her about kids? What it’s like, how to

LILLIAN These women aren’t my PALS, they’re my COMPETITORS.

(enter Terry, drinking cheap vodka and trying to sit down)

LILLIAN Look at this. Speak of the devil. A mother-to-be. What are you, twelve years old? Whatever possessed you to get knocked up?

EMMA Lillian!

LILLIAN I’m an educator. We need to educate people about controlling their animal impulses for the greater good. So, kid, you ever think about controlling your impulses? Before you got knocked up, did it ever occur to you

TERRY Ouch.

EMMA Let’s go.

TERRY Ouch!

LILLIAN No, wait a minute. This is important. Hey, you. Ouch girl. You’re drunk, aren’t you?

TERRY Ouch!

LILLIAN You know what that does to a kid, when Mom’s a drunk? You want to know what that’s like?

EMMA Lillian, stop it.

TERRY Ouch ouch ouch!

LILLIAN See this scar on my cheek? I tell everybody I got it playing hockey. See this mark on my arm? I say, I fell off a bike. Wanna drink yourself to death, be my guest, but don’t take some poor kid along for the ride. Why don’t you do the world a favor and get an abortion!

TERRY OUCH!

LILLIAN Too late for that, is it? Should have done that a while back. But wait, there’s the swan boats down there. Enough water to do the job. Take yourself out, and put the kid out of it’s misery, too, why don’t you?

EMMA She doesn’t mean it

LILLIAN The hell I don’t!

EMMA (to Terry, digging out a wad of money from her purse and offering it) Here’s all I have on me, not much, but enough to get you a decent meal.

TERRY (to Lillian) OUCH OUCH OUCH!

(she runs away)

EMMA How can you be so cruel?

LILLIAN I’m not being cruel, I’m helping her. Giving her some reality therapy. You know why I don’t want kids! Because some day, I’m going to have another drink, and then another after that. I’ll sober up, and then I’ll drink again. This little charade with A.A., Sarah thinks it’s the be-all and the end-all. But I’ve seen the studies, Emma. Once a drunk, always a drunk. So I stopped going. It’s only a matter of time. The best I can do, my absolute record, is fourteen months. And I’m coming right up to it.

EMMA You planning on drinking again?

LILLIAN Some part of me is.

EMMA You won’t! She’d leave you. That’s what’s been keeping you sober, that she’d/

LILLIAN Ah. Good news and bad news. The good news is, she really loves me. The bad news is, she really loves me. I figure, if it’s just the two of us, chances are she’ll put up with it, a binge here and there. I’ll always clean up; I’ll always get my ass back on that wagon. As long as I have her. But I’ll always look forward to the next one, you know? The next binge. But if there’s a baby involved… (a pause: an embarrassed silence) So what’s the big important thing you wanted to talk about? Hurry up, I got a plane to catch!

EMMA Oh, nothing. Nothing really...Lily was hoping you’d bring her back something from Berlin. She’s collecting… snow globes this year.

LILLIAN Now I can’t bring something just for Lily. What can I get for Sam?

EMMA Sam, get Sam anything with a dinosaur on it.

Later that night. Sarah and Lillian’s living room. Sarah is sitting on the sofa, fully clothed and very tense. Enter Fred.

FRED (knocks) Can I come in?

SARAH I suppose you’ll have to.

FRED I brought some things to help the process along. (unpacks big bag with lots of stuff) Is Frank Sinatra okay?

SARAH You want MUSIC?

FRED I thought it was customary.

(Fred puts on CD of Frank Sinatra singing “Strangers in the Night”: they sit on the sofa listening for a moment)

SARAH I don’t think this is going to help.

FRED WHAT?

SARAH (Yelling over the music) I don’t think this is a good idea!

FRED (he turns off the CD) All right, I suppose you can pick the music.

(his cell phone rings: it’s loud, it’s the 1812 Overture Ringtone)

SARAH What’s that?

FRED My phone.

SARAH Turn the damn thing off! First rule, no phones during…this.

FRED (turns it off quickly) Okay. Okay. Perfectly reasonable.

(Sarah’s cell phone rings: it’s “Rockabye Baby”, a lullaby ringtone, gets louder and louder)

If I have to turn MY phone off, then you have to-

(Sarah grabs her phone and tries to switch it off…it won’t stop, finally she throws it across the room, and it is broken).

SARAH I’m just not ready to march into that bedroom and

FRED Is it the bed? I thought about that, you might feel weird doing it in that particular bed. Some people

SARAH Not the bed. Well, yes, now that you mention it

FRED We could go to my place.

SARAH It’s not just the

FRED But you said you’d be distracted by Crick and Watson jumping on us. So you want a hotel room? That’s neutral territory. No cats, no memories of other people in the bed

SARAH Fred will you just stop! I mean, the whole thing. Maybe the whole thing’s wrong.

FRED Come on, I hear everybody gets cold feet right about now. I read a paper on it, in fact. Usually don’t read psychology, not a REAL science, but still, I thought last night I should at least browse through some material on human sexual response. The important thing is, don’t let those momentary thoughts get in the way.

SARAH Momentary thoughts.

FRED Yes. That’s why I brought in the music, you see. You’re not the only one.

SARAH You are also having “momentary thoughts”?

FRED Perfectly normal. Turns out cold feet is a very well-studied phenomenon. Who’d have thought?

SARAH But this isn’t ordinary cold feet, or momentary thoughts, or…this is a bad idea. You should go home.

FRED Telling me to go home, that’s classic “cold feet” behavior. If Frank Sinatra doesn’t help, let’s try THIS.

(he pulls a bottle of champagne out of his bag)

SARAH You want to get me drunk? Think that’s going to solve everything?

FRED Not everything. Technically, nothing solves everything. This is supposed to solve some things. I imagine it’s supposed to solve the same stuff as the music, but since you don’t like music, well

SARAH You brought champagne for this? Champagne? That’s for celebrating, or christening a ship, not for THIS.

FRED The chap at the off license suggested it. He asked me what I was looking for, and I told him what our plans were, in general, so he suggested

SARAH You told the chap at the off license?

FRED He asked me. It was part of the service. He wanted to help me find exactly the right wine for the occasion. He was absolutely sure

SARAH You told him about the OCCASION?

FRED Like I said, in general. I didn’t go into detail.

SARAH God, Fred! That does it. No occasion. Not tonight.

FRED Look, I’m here because you wanted…you said this was the night.

SARAH Well, it’s not.

FRED Oh. You’re not ovulating tonight?

SARAH On the contrary, I’m ovulating like mad. But just because it’s spring, doesn’t mean it’s time to plough.

(silence: then Fred starts humming Strangers in the Night)

What’s with you and that song, anyway?

FRED I’ve got fond memories of that song.

SARAH Really?

FRED Whenever I’m at an academic conference, in the swanky hotel, after dinner, all the others seem to be having drinks with their friends, laughing, talking; but you know me. I just sit next to the piano player in the lounge. There’s always a piano player. And they always play Strangers in the Night.

Lillian can’t sit in the lounge, of course. She’s probably up in her room at the conference, all alone, going over her notes; likes to go over her notes the night before she presents a paper. Sipping a Perrier with lime, you know, the way she does.

What did she say when you told her, you know, that I, that I volunteered to give the…donation?

SARAH You’ll have to ask Emma.

(an embarrassed silence)

On the other hand, this is really the best possible night to... Me ovulating, Lillian at the conference…

FRED Timing is particularly important when it comes to fertilizing the mature female.

SARAH Okay. You’re right. Tonight’s the night. But we ought to go back to Plan B for the actualFRED I thought we decided that. I don’t think Plan B is optimal.

SARAH Well, it’s optimal for me.

FRED Supposing that’s true, it’s more important for our plan to be optimal for ME. All you have to do is lie there. I’m the one who has to…you know.

SARAH Jesus, you can’t even SAY it, how the hell are you going to DO it?

FRED And that’s exactly the point, I’m the one who’ll have to do it. So conditions should be optimal for ME. As a practical matter. Why don’t you just take off your underwear, and close your eyes, you can pretend it’s

SARAH I can PRETEND?

FRED It’ll probably be over before you know it.

SARAH This is not the way I imagined it.

FRED You think it’s the way I imagined it? Nobody imagines it like this, I’d venture to say, and yet, here we are.

SARAH Maybe it’s time for a drink.

FRED Sensible.

(he pops open the champagne and pours it into two paper cups he’s brought for the occasion)

SARAH This is WARM!

FRED He didn’t have any in the cooler. So-

SARAH Warm champagne from a plastic cup, and you, telling me to close my eyes and imagine

FRED The temperature doesn’t effect its ability to relax us. And you certainly need to relax.

(silence)

SARAH When I was a little girl, I thought babies came when two people bought a house together. Like a package, with the appliances. This house comes with an oven, a fridge, and baby girl. The ranch house down the road comes with a double garage and a baby boy. You know, that’s how I thought people got to pick. Couldn’t wait to grow up and buy a house.

FRED My mother told me babies came from God. I used to sit in St. John’s Church, waiting for one to plop down from the ceiling, so I could have a brother or a sister. Of course, by the time I was seven I’d had a good look at my father’s anatomy books. I thought to myself, I prefer the story about God. After I saw those books, it made perfect sense why I was an only child. But now, it seems like the right thing to do, you know? What those parts of us are designed to do. Form follows function, and all that…

SARAH What do you think about names?

FRED Do I get any input into names?

SARAH Sure, I think you should.

FRED If it’s a boy, we could name him Frederick. I’m technically Frederick Ormond the Fourth. Don’t suppose the kid could technically be a Fifth, if he doesn’t have the same last name, but…My parents were very disappointed I never got married and produced a Fifth.

SARAH If it’s a girl, we could name her after my Mom. Kate. Katie. She would have been so excited. She was great about me coming out, the only thing that made her cry was the thought that I’d never have kids. Had a good cry about that. I wish I could still call her right up, and we could shop for baby clothes together. Don’t suppose you’d be interested in shopping for baby clothes?

FRED No, but toys…I could get excited about the toys. I buy Sam and Lily the most exquisite natural science kits, raise your own butterflies, make your own telescope…

SARAH I can see Lillian doing that, can’t you?

(a beat of uncomfortable silence)

Plan B, Fred. It’s Plan B or nothing.

FRED Look, I had my doubts I could perform under Plan A, but Plan B, I could be here for days trying to make THAT work.

SARAH I could give you some magazines to look at or something. There’s got to be some porn on the internet you can try. We’ve got a twenty-six inch screen in the study. The one attached to the Mac. Isn’t that what you normally use?

FRED What I normally use?

SARAH Look, no need to feel shy about it, for Christ sakes, here we are! Most men

FRED Do I look like most men?

SARAH No, and that’s a compliment.

FRED Thank you. But porn, any kind of…it’s just too ludicrous. Films of all kinds are ridiculous, of course, but those kinds are especially…Not that I’ve seen any, but

SARAH So now you’re drawing conclusions based on, what? Based on your thorough study of porn sites? Your deep knowledge of

FRED Got me there, Sarah. Got me there. Caught me drawing conclusions from a data set too small to warrant any statistically significant conclusions.

(another moment of silence)

SARAH Don’t tell me you never-

FRED Well…Not on command!…It’s not like…

SARAH You said on the phone, you could do the job!

FRED In theory, I can do the job. But in reality, the idea of doing it into a cup, and pouring it into a turkey baster…I get small just thinking about it. I mean SMALL, Sarah. Small down THERE.

SARAH Okay, I get the picture. Wish I didn’t. I don’t want to think about your

FRED Okay.

(silence: he begins humming Strangers in the Night)

SARAH You’re a virgin, aren’t you? You lied to me, you son of a

FRED I didn’t lie. I’m not a virgin. Technically. There’s a wide variation in any species, you know. People think everybody does X, but it turns out only a subset does X. It may be a very big percentage of the cohort, but it’s still technically a subset, not a universe.

SARAH Translation?

FRED People are different. You, of all people, ought to understand-

SARAH True enough.

(silence)

So how many times have you actually done it?

FRED That’s my business.

SARAH Well, ordinarily, yes, but you’re one half of this poor kid’s gene pool, so-

FRED Got me again! That’s true. But this isn’t mechanical, its…well, it’s…You can be safe knowing this is most likely the product of my environment, not my DNA. And since this baby isn’t going to be raised by my parents, our potential child wouldn’t likely be…well…like me. This is all very hurtful, you know. I’m trying to be nice. I’m trying to be helpful, and all I get for it is

SARAH You’re right! Oh, Fred, I’m so sorry. You’re doing me a massive favour. I just can’t…I think it’s going to have to be the baster.

FRED You know, ever since you started talking about that business of seeing babies….sixteen people walking down the street and you see the one…the one in the buggy…Well, I’ve started seeing it too. Only I see the ones with their fathers, the little hand in the big grown-up hand, the playing in the park, all that…touching. Hand to hand, hand on the back, stroking the hair…My father…I don’t believe he actually touched me until I was ten. Won the county chess championship. Shook my hand for the very first time. I never forgot it. The feel of all that…affection.

A child should be conceived…in affection, don’t you think? Plan A, I mean.

SARAH You know, it will never happen again.

FRED You might decide to have another one. Good to have them be true genetic siblings.

SARAH But it’s hardly the start of something…regular. You have to know that.

FRED I’m no wild-eyed romantic.

SARAH No, you’re not.

FRED So when you tell me, that’s it, well then, that’s it. But to create our baby, I just think it would be so much…nicer. Not to use the baster.

SARAH Okay. But I’m going to need a lot more warm champagne…

(lights fade as Fred sits closer to Sarah: Blackout. In the dark, we hear Strangers in the Night turned up louder, the sound of bed springs and muffled voices from the offstage “bedroom”)

FRED You want me to move where? Oh. Oh. THERE!

SARAH Not so hard. Not so hard! Harder! Harder!

FRED Make up your mind!

SARAH Again. Again. A little to the left. I said LEFT!

FRED My left, or your left?

SARAH Shut the fuck up!

FRED How long do I need to keep doing this?

SARAH I knew it! You’re a fucking VIRGIN!

FRED Do you need me to stop?

SARAH Keep going, or I’ll kill you, because we are NEVER doing this again, no matter/

(FRED climaxes, with a horrendous yell. Then a moment of silence)

FRED Was that good for you?

SARAH Get off! I have to put my legs in the air for the next ten minutes!

FRED I don’t think that’s scientifically proven to do/

SARAH GET OFF!

FRED Okay.

(FRED re-enters the Living Room from the offstage Bedroom, wearing one of Sarah’s robes. He heads straight to his cell phone. Turns it on. Listens. Then drops the phone.) Sarah? Sarah, I got a message from Emma. You’re going to want to hear this!

SARAH (from off stage) I have six more minutes to go. Put it on Speaker Phone.

FRED Okay.

SOUND: EMMA’S voice coming through the Speaker Phone

EMMA Fred? Listen, I tried calling Sarah four times, but I couldn’t…listen up, Fred. Don’t go through with it. IT. Lillian specifically did not want you to be the donor. Don’t ask her about it, it’s not personal, she’s just…she’s just weird about it. So we’ll have to find another plan, okay?

SARAH (Still from offstage) Shit!

FRED I think you can put your legs down now.

SARAH (still from offstage) Bollocks. No sense wasting it.

One month later. Monday. Sarah and Lillian’s place, about 10 am . Sarah’s there, reading a copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting; enter Fred.

SARAH Thanks for coming round. You didn’t say a word to

FRED I told Lillian I had to meet with the Dean. Why all the cloak and dagger?

SARAH I’m pregnant.

FRED That’s highly unlikely..

SARAH The thingie turned pink. Three times.

FRED Wow. So, that’s that. Congratulations, I suppose.

SARAH Yup.

FRED Really, just the one time, and

SARAH Apparently. Guess you’re pretty potent.

FRED Oh, well, me, but YOU, you must be extremely fertile.

SARAH Who knew?

FRED Exactly. So, when are you telling Lillian?

SARAH ME?

FRED Yes. I’m looking forward to hearing you explain it.

SARAH Maybe I should practice on you first.

(clears her throat, stands up)

Lillian, while you were gone, Emma told me to sleep with your boss, and now I’m pregnant.

FRED Well, that went well, I’d say that was a good job, right straight to the point.

SARAH It wasn’t so hard.

FRED No! Not so hard at all! Just one word in front of the other, and…

SARAH Fred, you have to do it.

FRED I think I’ve already done my part.

(a beat of uncomfortable silence)

Strictly speaking, this is Emma’s fault. She should tell her. Besides…Emma’s a professional! She probably tells people all the time all sorts of things they don’t want to hear, like they need medication, or they shouldn’t expect to feel better after the first visit. And if anybody could use some counseling right about now, it’s Lillian…

(a beat of silence, as they all imagine this)

SARAH When I had the flu, I watched Jeremy Kyle. When somebody has a secret, they get the clueless person on the show, and then Jeremy tells them. Wish we could do THAT.

FRED Bet that’s fun to watch. Perhaps we should contextualize it as a kind of accident.

SARAH You accidentally put your penis in my vagina

FRED Don’t think Lillian’s going to get the joke.

(a beat of silence)

Someone should tell her right away. Tonight.

SARAH Or wait for the right moment. Exactly the right moment. That would be the other way to go.

FRED Don’t suppose you’d consider…and then we wouldn’t have to say anything.

SARAH No.

FRED Of course. I understand. When does it begcome, um, physically obvious?

SARAH Depends. I’m in pretty good shape. Might not be for a few weeks. Maybe even a couple of months!

FRED A couple of months! That sounds better, doesn’t it?

SARAH And you know her so well, you can pick just the right moment to tell her. She won’t be angry with you; she’s never angry with you.

FRED I suppose I could wait for exactly the right moment.

SARAH I knew I could count on you, Fred! Right, then. I feel better now. We’ve got a plan.

FRED Plans are good.

(she starts to leave the room)

Where are you going?

SARAH I’m going to throw up.

A month later, about 4 pm. Cambridge park. We see Sarah, sitting on the park bench, reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”. Enter Terry, very drunk, and much more visibly pregnant, drinking cheap vodka, obviously wants to sit down, but doesn’t. Instead, Terry starts to walk away from the bench, very unhappily

TERRY Ouch.

SARAH Excuse me, did you say something?

TERRY OUCH.

SARAH Is there something wrong?

TERRY OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

SARAH What’s the matter? (silence)

TERRY (very softly) Ouch.

SARAH When are you due? (she gently walks Terry over to the bench) My baby’s due in March. Won’t that be lovely?

TERRY (At the mention of the word “baby” she perks up, then launches into an impromptu concert to the tune of “Rock a bye Baby”) Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch;

Ouch ouch ouch ouch.

SARAH What?

TERRY (the next phrase of the song)

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch;

Ouch ouch ouch ouch.

SARAH Aren’t you a puzzle. My name’s Sarah. What’s your name? A little shy, are we?

TERRY (as if answering her question with a guess) Ouch?

SARAH Can you tell me why you say “Ouch” all the time?

(Terry pulls a small note pad out of her pocket, and a pencil: she writes a note and gives it to Sarah, who reads it aloud)

“Ouch isn’t a word. It’s an interjection.” I knew that… Can I say it, too?

(Terry looks at her carefully, and finally nods her assent, and Sarah shouts the same way she has been shouting)

OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

(Sarah, exhausted by this, sits back down on the bench)

That felt good. Wish you could talk. I could use some advice.

TERRY Ouch.

SARAH What about when the baby comes?

(Terry writes)

“Adoption”. Oh.

TERRY Ouch.

SARAH Well, even if you do that, until it’s born, you’re a Mom. You know that, right? Because you’re not stupid. You’re responsible for taking care of that baby right now. Because once you’re pregnant, the baby comes first, that’s what you have to tell yourself. I’ve got to go now, but I’m going to leave you with some money. I want you to promise me you’ll only use it for food. No more drinking.

TERRY Ouch!

SARAH You heard me. Once you’re pregnant, the baby comes first, that’s what you have to tell yourself. The baby comes first. No matter what.

(Sarah fishes for money in her purse, puts a bunch of one dollar bills on the bench)

This is for food. And here’s a card for an AA meeting, in the church over there. I have a friend who goes there.

TERRY Ouch!

SARAH No, really. It’s not me. I have a friend who…oh, never mind. The point is…maybe next time I see you, you’ll be drinking something good for you…good for the both of you.

(Terry gives her the money and the card back, sits down on the bench)

Take the money. For the baby.

(Sarah puts the money, and the card, on the bench and exits. Terry carefully picks the card and the money up, puts the money in her pocket, looks at the card, and walks off)

Same day. Sarah and Lillian’s apartment, 6:30, after an early dinner. As lights go up, Lillian is starting to pack papers in her briefcase. Enter Sarah.

SARAH Where are you going? I told you, I need to talk to you…

LILLIAN That thing. My speech. You know. It’s on the calendar

SARAH You were supposed to come home earlier.

LILLIAN So, I forgot. Program starts at eight o’clock sharp, so

SARAH It’s only six thirty!

LILLIAN I have to go back to the lab first. I don’t have time to explain.

SARAH Can’t you skip going to the lab, just this once?

LILLIAN No, not if I want tenure. You do want me to get tenure, right?

SARAH Of course, but

LILLIAN Can’t have lots of fun in Barbados on a teacher’s salary. Especially what they pay you down at the zoo.

SARAH Don’t call it that.

LILLIAN Just keep thinking about Barbados.

SARAH I’m not so interested in Barbados anymore. There are better ways to spend money.

LILLIAN Are you joking? There are NO better ways to spend money than Barbados. (She takes Sarah in her arms and begins waltzing her around). Warm sun, exactly the right temperature for human happiness. We’ll stop fighting and start kissing…and dancing…

SARAH I cancelled the tickets.

(the dance stops abruptly)

I went to the park to think, I went to Our Bench, and that’s when I decided. Because today was the deadline. To get all our money back.

LILLIAN Cancelled Barbados. And for what?

SARAH Babies are expensive.

LILLIAN We’ve already been through this

SARAH What can I say that will get you to agree? Tell me, love. Tell me.

LILLIAN I’ve got to go to the Career Day extravaganza and give a dazzling speech. Then I’m going to talk to our travel agent about your temporary insanity.

SARAH Listen to me!

LILLIAN I’ve listened! None of it is persuasive.

(a beat)

SARAH See how persuasive it is when you come home and I’m gone. Did you hear me that time, Lillian? GONE!

LILLIAN You’re bluffing.

SARAH You don’t want to be inconvenienced, you don’t want to have to clean up, you

LILLIAN Give me some credit!

SARAH So what is it, then?

LILLIAN Okay, say we have this baby together, and something happens. Maybe at work, maybe the experiment falls apart, maybe I have a drink. And then another one.

SARAH That’s not going to happen. You promised me you’d stop, and you did. You promised me you’d go to AA, and every Tuesday night….

LILLIAN I go to the lab on Tuesday nights. I don’t know how people do that 12 step shit, listen to idiots confess their sins in a chorus of regrets…

SARAH But you promised!

LILLIAN I promised to stay sober. And I tried. But we’re great repeaters, you know? Genes repeating patterns, cells dividing. No self-respecting cancer cell gets up one morning and says, “Gee, I’m supposed to repeat my pattern, but I think I’ll just up and turn myself benign.” My mother was a drunk, her mother was a drunk, and…I’m tired, Sarah. I’m tired, and I want a drink.

SARAH What if I told you that I’m getting pregnant, anyway?

LILLIAN Then I’d say, that’s why God created abortion clinics.

SARAH That’s really what you’d say?

LILLIAN I have to go give a speech.

SARAH Really? Fine. Do what you want. But you’re coming home to an empty house.

LILLIAN You’ll get over this, you’ll see.

(SARAH goes offstage to the bedroom, returns with a suitcase, opens it in front of Lillian, starts throwing things into the suitcase)

SARAH You go give your speech, Lill. And you can bring the bottle home with you this time, because I won’t be here to stop you. Nobody’s going to stop you any more.

Later that night. Lillian sitting on the park bench, waiting for Emma.

EMMA (as she enters) So what’s the big emergency?

LILLIAN Sarah’s leaving me! She’s LEAVING. You have to talk to Sarah for me. Call her for me. Right now.

EMMA Calm down! Did Sarah tell you WHY she was leaving you?

LILLIAN She cancelled Barbados, cancelled the tickets, she still has this baby fantasy, as if

EMMA Fantasy?

(pause)

She’s pregnant…Fred was supposed to tell you.

LILLIAN Why would Fred tell me?

EMMA You said you didn’t want an anonymous donor. So I thought the perfect solution would be…Don’t look at me like that! When you said no, I tried to call it off, but the phone keeps dropping calls out here…you know, sometimes it drops calls out here in the park, you know, it’s happened to you, too. Right? Bloody O2…

LILLIAN And you didn’t tell me because…Go ahead, Emma. You’ve had lots of time to make up a story. Keep going. I want to hear the whole thing.

EMMA We didn’t want to tell you because…because it would upset you…But it was just the one time, it wouldn’t possibly work just the one time, that’s what we all thought, but…but…When you look at that baby, you’ll see Sarah, and Fred together, all those lovely science genes, and all those lovely Sarah genes… the people you love most in the world

LILLIAN …who did this to me behind my back!

EMMA We were trying to help

LILLIAN Help? Did I ever ask you for help?

EMMA Somebody always has to take care of Lillian. Fred and me, we’re the team. We’ve been taking care of Lillian, that’s the only reason he had sex with

LILLIAN They… slept together?

EMMA They just…and it was just the one time!

LILLIAN Thanks. Thanks for doing such a great job taking care of Lillian. Guess there’s nothing left to say. And if there were, I sure as hell couldn’t say it; not now, not while I’m still sober.

That night, 8 pm, the lecture hall indicated by a portable podium, maybe with a school seal on it. As lights come up, we see Lillian enter, maybe through the audience, with her vodka bottle. Looks around at the audience, and begins.

LILLIAN Sorry I’m a little late. Got held up. Not really. I mean, not literally. Nobody held me up with a gun and took my money. Although that has happened to me once or twice. Stay indoors after midnight, that’s my first piece of advice for the day. Which is why I try to drink early in the evening. On those rare occasions when I drink. Lucky for you, this is one of those rare occasions. Otherwise, this would be dull as shit. Or one of my courses.

(she takes another, sloppy drink from the bottle)

Why did I get stuck giving this lecture on Women in Science? I actually volunteered to do this. I could be in my lab doing real work, but, no, I volunteered to do this. Why? I’m one of only two female chemistry professors here. When I go to an academic conference, I’m the only woman on the panel. This makes it hard to get dates. I figure, if I ever want to have sex with a woman who understands me, I’m just going to have to do my bit to get more women to take up science.

(She takes another drink)

Good. Now all the homophobes have left the room.

(Fred enters from the audience; he’s heard the last few minutes of the speech)

FRED Dr. Lawrence, perhaps you ought to sit down and let me finish this little talk?

LILLIAN Fred, what are you doing here? This is my co-author, King of the Lab Rats, Aren’t you enjoying my presentation?

FRED Dr. Lawrence has been under a great deal of stress lately, so I’ll just…

LILLIAN Oh, come on. There’s only six students here. Let me have some fun. Besides that, have you got any particular insights into the world of Women Scientists? Grow any breasts while I wasn’t looking? Sit down, Fred. Sit down and enjoy the show.

FRED Dr. Lawrence is not herself

LILLIAN Doctor Lawrence is exactly what her DNA tells her to be, alcoholism’s a little gift on the double helix, only they call it a TENDENCY. Like you could choose to follow it along, or not. You know what a tendency is? Your genes calling you up in the middle of the god-damn night, your chemistry singing along your synapses, LISTEN UP. Can’t you hear it? Sending you off into blissful satisfaction of that genomic itch.

FRED Let’s hear it for Doctor Lawrence!

(he gamely tries to start applause)

What an inspiring talk!

(he starts shooing the students toward the exit)

Remember, there is a full schedule of chemistry courses in the flyer you can take on your way out, along with a brochure for new modules!

My God, Lillian, are you TRYING to get fired?

LILLIAN You’re all I’ve got, Fred. You, and our lab, and Mother Courage Mouse, screwing up ten years of research…

(Fred opens his cell phone)

Who are you calling? Gonna have them come and take me away, Fred?

FRED I’m calling Sarah, so she will come and take you home.

LILLIAN When were you going to tell me about your night with my wife?

(a long pause)

FRED I was waiting for Sarah to tell you…

LILLIAN Sarah. Hah. She’s gone. You bastard.

FRED She’ll be back. In the mean time….

LILLIAN No, she’s going. She’s packing up. Packing up to leave.

FRED She’ll come back Sarah’s too level-headed….

LILLIAN Not anymore. Brain chemistry all fucked up. She’s havin’ your baby! Imagine that! Brain chemistry, all askew, out of joint, unbalanced…

FRED Not out of joint, right on schedule. I think it’s great, and

LILLIAN Good for you. I hope you two will be happy together, and someone will be able to decipher my notes.

FRED Let’s go get some coffee and sober you up.

LILLIAN That would ruin the whole glorious effect! See, she’s right to leave. She’s right, and what I did tonight, going back to my first romance here, that’s the end of the experiment.

FRED You don’t have results yet.

LILLIAN This, this, my used-to-be friend, THIS is a result.

FRED Preliminary.

LILLIAN Fits a pattern.

FRED You don’t know the strength of one of your variables.

LILLIAN The hell I don’t.

FRED You’re biased. You see what you expect to see.

LILLIAN I am a trained scientist. A trained, drunk, research scientist.

FRED What do you see when you look at me?

LILLIAN I dunno; Fred? The guy who loves my wife?

FRED The guy who loves you.

LILLIAN What do you mean, “love”, love me -

FRED Part of you sees it plain as day, but doesn’t want to know. Bias. Bias! You can’t pass judgment on your own experiment. There. I proved it.

LILLIAN Christ, Fred! Poor Fred! Poor Fred, who fucked my wife, because..because he loves ME…

(she starts to leave)

FRED We’re going to publish. Shame you won’t be there. Surprising results. Maybe even a Nobel.

LILLIAN (stops and turns back to Fred) What do you mean, results?

FRED Mother Courage. She’s not the end of the experiment. Just the start of a new one. While you were gone, I’ve been watching her. When she goes to feed her babies, there’s a moment…you can see it on the video. A hesitation. The control group, they don’t have it. She’s getting the message loud and clear, the message we gave her, that she shouldn’t…so she stops. But then, there’s another moment, and you can see it. Intention. In a brain that small. In an animal we were all sure was controlled only by instinct. So tomorrow, when we dissect her, we’re going to see what she’s been doing to her own brain chemistry. Doing by sheer force of will. She’s changing her brain. The way we change ours. We change ours all the time. You know that.

We can make our brains do almost anything. We can make love to one woman, and in our minds, it’s someone else entirely. We can make families anyway we can. With whatever material we’ve got.

(a long silence)

LILLIAN I’m going to the park. To Our Bench. You bastard, you tell Sarah I need to talk to her at Our Bench…

FRED You want to talk to Sarah?

LILLIAN Not negotiable! My demands are non-negotiable. Would you go and find her?

FRED Of course.

LILLIAN You’d do that for me?

FRED Yes.

LILLIAN Can’t ask you to do that. Can’t ask you to do something I should do myself. So don’t, okay? But if she wants to find me, I’ll be at our bench.

10 pm. As lights come up on Sarah and Lillian’s apartment, Sarah is packing her clothes, and as fast as she puts clothes in the suitcase, Fred takes them out.

FRED You can’t be serious about this.

SARAH Looks pretty serious to me.

FRED You can’t leave now!

SARAH Why not?

FRED She’s drinking again.

SARAH That’s no longer my problem, now, is it?

FRED She gave the most interesting Career Night lecture in the history of Cambridge. Anybody finds out, she’s toast. She wants to meet you in the park. You have to go.

SARAH This baby’s going to be where she’s wanted, where every face she sees is loving, and kind, and happy to see her. And sober enough to take good care of her. That’s all that matters now. Lillian’s a grown-up, she can fend for herself.

FRED Can you do that to the woman you love?

SARAH Maybe I can

FRED Well I can’t. There are parts of her you’ll never know. There are parts of her that are all mine. That’s why I wanted to…to make a baby. To share a baby…with Lillian.

SARAH I was making a baby to share with Lillian! Now I’m just having my baby.

(She continues to pack)

FRED You’re carrying a child that belongs at least, to the two of us.

SARAH I have a right to go wherever the fuck I want!

FRED You better stay right here, where you belong. Lillian needs you.

SARAH Really? Or else? What?

FRED One paternity test, and bingo, that child is legally my child as well, with visitation rights, and all the rest. I can make this a very…inconvenient situation. I can make this a very…I don’t want to be, but… It’s not my choice to be…difficult. But I will if necessary. You love her, too, or I wouldn’t ask

SARAH Asking? Is that what this is?

FRED She’s waiting for you. That should tell you everything.

SARAH She’ll always love to drink more than she loves me

FRED She’s waiting for you. Even after she knows a baby is coming, she’s waiting for you! She won’t drink with a child in the house, not after there’s a child in the house; you know that, and she does, too. Some part of her knows that. So you have to go to her.

SARAH I’m not going to be pushed into anything!

FRED Oh. Well. We’ve all done a fair bit of pushing, haven’t we?

(Lights crossfade to the bench: Sarah and Fred vanish into the darkness, and it remains ambiguous as to whether or not Sarah has left to find Lillian)

The park bench. Enter Lillian, very drunk, and still drinking from a vodka bottle as she enters with a box from the lab. She puts the box and the bottle down carefully on the bench. Opens her cell phone, hits the speed dial, and Lillian and the audience hears Sarah’s voice on tape:

SARAH’S VOICE ON TAPE You have reached the phone of Sarah Portman. Leave us a message and I will call you back. Don’t forget to wait for the beep!

LILLIAN (Talks on her cell phone while pacing back and forth, VERY DRUNK) No, I don’t want to wait for the fucking beep! I demand that you meet me in the park. At our bench. Sarah Portman, you come out and meet me at our bench.

(TERRY enters, sober for the first time in a year, hoping to sleep on her favorite bench for the night)

LILLIAN (back to the cell phone) Sarah! Please call…please come get me…

TERRY Ouch!

LILLIAN Do you mind! I’m having a conversation with a mobile phone over here!

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN You seem oddly familiar. Or maybe you just seem…odd.

(Lillian puts away her phone)

Yeah, I know. Might as well talk to the mice.

(she picks up the box to talk to the mice)

How you doin’ in there? Keepin’ those babies nice and warm? How about I stick my scarf in there, think that’d help?

(she takes her scarf off and puts it in the box; then, to Terry)

You stay away from my mice.

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN And go away, this is my bench.

TERRY OUCH.

LILLIAN Life’s hard for all of us, pal. Suck it up and take it. And leave!

TERRY (refusing to leave, sits down, makes it clear that this is HER bench, too) Ouch.

LILLIAN (resigned to sharing her bench, too tired to fight anymore) Got anything left in that bottle?

(Terry offers her bottle)

This is sure some watered down cheap shit….Whoa! This is water! The fuck? Don’t tell me you’re on the wagon?

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN Oh, man! Why’d you want to go and do that for?

(Terry writes a note and hands it to Lillian, who reads it aloud)

“For the baby.”

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN Think that’s going to last? Let’s ask my mouse…This is her house. I got her a portable mouse house, and liberated her. Saved her furry little arse, I did. I’m a fucking hero, I am…That’s not true. She’s the one…We did everything we could to her, whole team of professors and post-docs, Experiments R Us, that’s what we are, and we tried to make her a selfish diva bitch, but no, she stood right up to us…She stood right up to all of us and said, “Fuck off, I’m takin’ care of my babies”. She got babies in there. You wanna see?

(Terry moves to come close to the box, but Lillian pulls away)

No, it’s too cold. She’s got babies in there, tiny, tiny ones. They got no hair in there. Bald little babies in there. She got six of ‘em to keep warm. Imagine breast-feeding six of ‘em!

TERRY Ouch!

LILLIAN I know!

LILLIAN (con’t) Would you watch the mice for me? I’m going to go down the river, where the punts are, see if Sarah’s coming. It’s pretty shallow, that water, but some of it’s deep. There’s always a pair of swans on that little island there. Swans, they mate for life. And if I don’t come back…And if I don’t come back… would you please take care of my mice?

(As Lillian starts to get up, Terry holds her arm and keeps her on the bench. Terry holds Lillian and rocks with her on the bench, and sings a little bit of Rock a Bye Baby to her in “Ouch”)

TERRY Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

Ouch ouch ouch ouch.

Ouch ouch ouch ouch, ouch

Ouch ouch ouch ouch.

LILLIAN Nice like that. Nice without the words. You know the words?

“When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,

And down will come baby, cradle and all”.

That’s a sad thing to sing to a baby, isn’t it?

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN If I had a baby, I’d sing it just like you.

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN I read a book once, said the whole world was one big experiment run by…wait for it… the mice.

You know why we do experiments? ‘Cause we don’t know anything! That’s right! People think, hey, the folks in the lab coats, they KNOW a lotta shit, but it’s not true. Think you know something, like “all swans are white.” Pretty sure about it. Practically positive. But you don’t actually know, do you? Tomorrow morning, we could wake up and find a black swan down there, integrating the pond. Barack O’Swana! Hey, I made a joke, I never make jokes. See? Anything’s possible. Not likely, but possible.

(Terry takes Lillian’s hand, and places it carefully on her pregnant belly. A moment of amazement, as they share in the baby’s strong movement in Terry’s womb)

LILLIAN Tomorrow I could wake up, and be the best fucking lesbian Mum in the history of lesbian Mums. Maybe you’ll be the fucking formerly-homeless Mother of the Year. Can’t say for sure either way. ‘Till it’s over, it’s just a fucking hypothesis.

(a beat: SARAH has entered, and is watching and listening to LILLIAN, but is unseen by her)

Any minute now, she’s going to come runnin’ up that path. I know she will. Because she loves me, did I tell you that? She does. We’re having a baby, too.

( Slow fade to The Gymnopedies)

END OF PLAY