JOGGER/LUSCHEK
JOGGER keeps to himself. LUSCHEK is another neighbor of the building, a first-generation immigrant.
UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR/REBECCA
UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR is a woman who has just moved in. REBECCA is unemployed, and has lived in the building an indiscriminate amount of time.
MICHELLE
A woman of indiscriminate age. She and JEREMY are moving in together for the first time.
JEREMY
A man of indiscriminate age. Engaged to MICHELLE.
HER HUSBAND/TOWEL GUY
HER HUSBAND is married to THE WOMAN. TOWEL GUY lives next door on the same floor.
THE WOMAN
Latina; mother of two. Unafraid, and confident in who she is.
NOTE: This play contains some strong language. This is the original script, as shared by the author.
Notes on Casting:
You may separate out the parts for more actors, totaling 9 characters, or even add additional tenants or the children for more characters. You may record offstage voices to play as sound cues instead of live voices, cutting down cast requirements further (i.e. remove LUSCHEK, and JOGGER could be played by same actor as HER HUSBAND/TOWEL GUY). You may alter the above doubling however else you best see fit.
PLACE
The stairwell of an apartment building.
TIME
A Saturday morning.
Notes on Dialogue:
There is ASL at the end of the play, and it is marked where there is signing while dialogue is spoken, and where it is simply signed. If desired, this may be swapped or exchanged for BSL, or include both, and dialogue slightly modified to accommodate.
The Spanish within the play is meant to be representative of a Latinx family, and uses Spanish centered on Mexican upbringing and heritage. The Spanish may be changed to a different regional dialect or expression if the actors or artists involved wish to demonstrate the characters from other regions (Cuba, Puerto Rica, Spain, etc.).
Pursuant to the above, even those of Mexican heritage may choose to alter the Spanish a little in this play to better portray their own cultural experience.
Note on the Armoire:
While the armoire is used within this play to aid in the climax, this object may be changed to better accommodate production. For example, this may be changed to a dresser, a table, more boxes, etc.
SETTING: the stairwell of an apartment building. TIME: a Saturday morning.
(The lights rise on an empty stairwell. There are a couple doors to apartments that are visible, and stairs going both up and down. Sounds of the surrounding city or town may be heard, like cars driving by, horns, ambulances, low flying planes, etc. These sounds could be continuous, and may happen throughout the play. Sounds from the adjacent apartments may be heard, as well, such as doors closing, people walking heavily, dogs barking, or muffled dialogue.)
(JOGGER enters from below, in gym attire. He’s using the stairs for cardio. He goes up one flight, then backwards on the same flight, then advances, and repeats. He works his way up the stairs, and to the next floor.)
(UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR enters from, you guessed it, upstairs. She simply walks down the stairs and out of sight to the floor below. We hear voices coming from behind one of the two visible apartment doors.)
The Woman (Offstage) What did I say?
Her Husband (Offstage) Les dije que se levantaran.
The Woman (Offstage) Did you go in their rooms, or just yell at them?
Her Husband (Offstage) ¿Quieres la verdad o la mentira?
The Woman (Offstage) I told you to go in.
Her Husband (Offstage) ¿Y que? ¿Estrujarlos?
The Woman (Offstage) I don’t care how you do it.
Her Husband (Offstage) Ya hay leyes en contra de eso.
The Woman (Offstage) Who are they going to tell? (To the kids) ¡Si me meto a ese pinche cuarto…!
Her Husband (Offstage) Dejalos dormir.
The Woman (Offstage) ¡Te voy a tirar el desayuno!
Her Husband (Offstage) Como si no pudieran preparar unos huevos.
The Woman (Offstage) Martín ate dog shit, yesterday.
Her Husband (Offstage) ¡Tiene cuatro años, chingao!
The Woman (Offstage) Exactly. (To the kids) ¡Ven para acá, abortos del infierno! ¡Voy sacar la chancla!
(The UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR has returned carrying mail. She looks at the door where the sound is coming from, and shakes her head as she goes back upstairs.)
Michelle (Offstage) Oh, here they are.
Jeremy (Offstage) How the hell are we supposed get the armoire through here? Or the couch?
Michelle (Offstage) We’ll leave them for the end. The elevator is already being used by someone else.
Jeremy (Offstage) We should’ve gotten here sooner. We only have the truck for another hour, and I’m not spending it playing “Pivot.”
(The couple enters from below. They’re carrying items, boxes, etc.)
Michelle You think I want that? My great-grandmother sailed here with that armoire.
Jeremy Don’t start…
Michelle Her grandfather—
Jeremy I know…
Michelle Carved it from—
Jeremy From the Tree of Knowledge that Adam and Eve ate at, throwing us all into mortal sin.
Michelle Jeremy.
Jeremy Legend has it if you eat an apple in front of it, you will hear the hissing of the Serpent.
(He fumbles with the boxes.)
Michelle Are you sure you got those?
Jeremy I’m fine; keep moving.
Michelle Take smaller trips.
Jeremy We don’t have time for smaller trips.
Michelle We can’t afford to break anything.
Jeremy I told you we should hire a company.
Michelle That costs money.
Jeremy We have some money.
Michelle It costs a lot of money.
Jeremy It’s worth it.
Michelle It would’ve been cheaper to get friends together, and pay in pizza.
(They go up the stairs.)
Jeremy (Offstage) You wouldn’t call them!
Michelle (Offstage) Not my friends; my friends suck.
Jeremy (Offstage) What about mine, then?
Michelle (Offstage) Yours are worse.
Jeremy (Offstage) We have the same friends!
Michelle (Offstage) And they suck!
(The UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR enters from above, holding a stack of empty pizza boxes to throw away.)
The Woman (Offstage) What, you’re not gonna eat?
Her Husband (Offstage) Si no quiere comer...
The Woman (Offstage) No los defiendas.
Her Husband (Offstage) Se lo comera al rato.
(The door to one of the apartments opens, and food is thrown into the stairwell.)
The Woman (Offstage) Well, then fuck me!
(HER HUSBAND enters the stairwell from their apartment to pick up the food.)
Her Husband No te pases.
The Woman (Offstage) Get a handle on your kids.
Her Husband ¡Tambien son tuyos!
The Woman (Offstage) Show me a blood test!
(HER HUSBAND and the UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR exchange a look.)
Her Husband ¿Qué?
(The UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR decides to go back upstairs. HER HUSBAND exits into their apartment. MICHELLE and JEREMY enter from above.)
Jeremy I’ll call my sister.
Michelle Tara the Terrible? I’d rather churn my great grandmother’s armoire through a wood chipper.
Jeremy She’s a landscaper; we could use her truck.
Michelle And her wood chipper.
Jeremy Call your sister! Wait, what month is it? Is she getting out of rehab, or just about to go?
Michelle Cassie isn’t in rehab, but—
Jeremy “But she’s in a sensitive place right now,” blah blah blah…
(They exit downstairs. Sounds are heard from the other apartment on this floor: rhythmic, steady, clearly a bed repetitively hitting a wall. JOGGER enters from upstairs, and notes the sound, but moves on, exiting downstairs. The sound progresses to something louder, more distinctive. Moaning can be heard. JOGGER re-enters from downstairs, and notes the sound. He stops at the door during his routine, and bangs on the door loudly. The sounds stop. JOGGER exits upstairs, continuing his routine. Muffled laughter is heard from inside the apartment.)
Jeremy (Offstage) Everything’s out of the truck, yeah? Let’s just take it back.
Michelle (Offstage) We can power through.
(MICHELLE and JEREMY enter from downstairs, carrying items.)
Jeremy We don’t have a lot of time.
Michelle We have plenty.
Jeremy We have to fill it back with gas, too.
Michelle Take a breath.
Jeremy It’s just us doing this.
Michelle I don’t want strangers screwing this up!
Jeremy So we’re gonna screw it up, and pay extra in fines?
Michelle Get over the time! We can’t afford any of this to be stolen sitting in the lobby.
Jeremy So we’ll break it on the stairs?
Michelle Not if you’re careful, and take our time!
(They exit upstairs.)
Jeremy (Offstage) It’s a twenty-minute drive back there!
Michelle (Offstage) Shut up!
(Door opens from the apartment, and THE WOMAN enters the stairwell.)
The Woman When they’re done, see that they do their homework.
Her Husband (Offstage) ¿Y tú que vas a hacer?
The Woman Lamentar mi vida.
Her Husband (Offstage) ¿Qué?
The Woman I’m getting some air!
(THE WOMAN lights a cigarette in the stairwell, opening a window to let the smoke out.)
Her Husband (Offstage) ¿Estas fumando?
The Woman No.
Her Husband (Offstage) Sabes que odio cuando fumas.
The Woman Yo se.
Her Husband (Offstage) Huelo el humo. Huelo esa basura.
The Woman No soy yo.
Her Husband (Offstage) ¡Eso les hace daño a los chiquillos!
The Woman I’m not smoking!
Her Husband (Offstage) ¡Cabrona! ¡Mentirosa!
The Woman Of course, I’m lying! ¡Claro!
Her Husband (Offstage) ¡Odiolo!
The Woman That’s why I lied!
A Neighbor (Offstage) Keep it down!
The Woman (Through the window) Mind your business!
A Neighbor (Offstage) Close the window!
The Woman Come here, and I’ll close it on your face!
(The UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR enters from upstairs, carrying the pizza boxes.)
A Neighbor (Offstage) Shut the fuck up!
The Woman No, you shut the fuck up! (The UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR exits back upstairs.) Wait. Luschek, is that you?
Luschek (Offstage) Hey! How are you?
The Woman I haven’t set the bricks on fire, so it’s OK. You?
Luschek (Offstage) Living the dream! Tell the kids I say “Buenos dias!”
The Woman That’s racist.
Luschek (Offstage) You know what I mean!
The Woman Fine.
ANOTHER NEIGHBOR (Offstage) Some of us are still sleeping! Close your windows!
WOMAN & LUSCHEK Shut the fuck up!
(JOGGER comes down the stairs, exiting. THE WOMAN checks him out as he does his routine. He does not notice her.)
The Woman Good morning.
(MICHELLE and JEREMY enter from downstairs with more boxes.)
Michelle Be careful; those are—
Jeremy I know what they are; you’ve told me eighty-seven times.
Michelle You shouldn’t be carrying so many.
Jeremy Do you want this to get done?
Michelle We have—
Jeremy We do not have time!
(JOGGER comes back up the stairwell.)
Michelle Oh, look out! (JOGGER brushes passed JEREMY, who fumbles the boxes a little.) Careful!
Jeremy Fuck you, pal!
(JOGGER exits upstairs, putting his headphones in.)
Michelle Just put some of those down.
Jeremy Keep moving!
Michelle We should pause for a second.
(She puts her boxes down.)
Jeremy Do what you want.
Michelle Babe, it’s fine. Let’s—
Jeremy Why don’t you just bring everything in here? I’ll haul it up.
Michelle It’ll be safer if we both do.
Jeremy Then pick yours back up.
Michelle Jere…
Jeremy What?
Michelle … Whatever. (MICHELLE picks up her boxes. Her cell goes off. She sighs, and answers it. She leaves her boxes in the stairwell.) What’s up? I’m fine, what’s up? You know we’re moving today, Cassie, what do you want? (To Jeremy) I’ll get more boxes. (To Cassie) I’m talking to Jeremy. (To Jeremy) Be careful with these! (To Cassie) No, I’m not talking to you! Yes, now I am! What?
(She exits downstairs. JEREMY sees THE WOMAN.)
Jeremy What?
The Woman I know you’re not talking to me like that.
Jeremy Look, lady, I don’t need your shit, too.
The Woman Oh, hell no…
(She puts her cigarette out. A scream comes from her apartment.)
The Woman Que la chingada… ¡Ey! ¡Oye! Put him down! ¿Donde está tu papá?
(THE WOMAN exits into her apartment. JEREMY goes to exit upstairs, but chooses to add more boxes to his pile.)
Jeremy Son of a… shit…
(JEREMY heads upstairs. It’s a little precarious, but he makes it. MICHELLE enters from downstairs with a couple more boxes, juggling her phone.)
Michelle We can’t stop by; we’re too busy. No. What did I just say? Wire you money? Do I sound like a phone bank to you? Yes, I know that’s not really what a phone bank is. Cassie! No! I can’t right now!
(MICHELLE has placed all her boxes down, and hangs up the phone. THE WOMAN enters the stairwell.)
ANOTHER NEIGHBOR (Offstage) Anybody spare a quarter? I’m one short for the washer. (THE WOMAN lights a cigarette at the window.) Hey! Do you have a spare quarter?
The Woman I don’t have a spare anything!
ANOTHER NEIGHBOR (Offstage) I was just asking! Bitch!
The Woman I’m the bitch? You’re the bitch! Oh, hey, Rebecca!
Rebecca (Offstage) Hi!
The Woman ¡Oye! Uh, I don’t have one, but use the third machine from the left. The fourth slot is broken, and you can put anything in it.
Rebecca (Offstage) You’re the best!
The Woman Yo se.
(Another scream from the THE WOMAN’s apartment.)
Michelle What was that?
The Woman Martín, my youngest. He’s four. His brother likes to threaten to cut off his head with the ceiling fan. It happens about once a week; you get used to it. (Another scream.) Dios mio. ¡Si no lo dejas en paz, te corto la cabeza y me lo cuelgo de collar! (To MICHELLE) Un segundito.
(THE WOMAN exits into the apartment. MICHELLE notes a few of the boxes from before are missing. JEREMY enters from upstairs.)
Michelle Did you carry more up?
Jeremy It’s gotta get done.
Michelle If you drop one of these—
Jeremy I know, I know!
Michelle This was stupid. I’m helping you get these all the way up.
(MICHELLE picks up boxes.)
Jeremy It’s just one more floor.
Michelle Exactly.
Jeremy Go get the other things.
Michelle I got it.
Jeremy These are my things, and if I—
Michelle Fine! (She shoves boxes into Jeremy’s arms.) Do it yourself, then!
Jeremy What’s next?
Michelle The armoire.
Jeremy What about the elevator?
Michelle I told you, it’s busy. You knew what this was going to be like.
(MICHELLE exits downstairs.)
Jeremy Where are you going?
Michelle (Offstage) Away from you!
Jeremy (Calling after her) Remember: we only have a few minutes before we have to take the truck back! (JOGGER enters from upstairs. JEREMY moves out of his way.) Oh, sorry! Don’t mind me! Just moving in!
(THE WOMAN reenters.)
The Woman Keep it down; people are trying to live their lives!
Jeremy You’re telling me to be quiet? The irony drips.
The Woman What are you trying to say?
Her husband (Offstage) ¿Con quién hablas?
The Woman ¡Callate!
(JOGGER reenters from downstairs.)
Jeremy Don’t you have anything better to do on a Saturday morning?
(JOGGER exits upstairs. WOMAN watches him.)
The Woman He does this every Saturday morning. Routines are important.
JEREMY And do you yell at everyone every Saturday morning?
The Woman I yell at everyone every morning. (Another scream from her apartment.) ¡Los voy dejar en servicios sociales!
(MICHELLE enters from downstairs. She drops off a couple boxes.)
Michelle Jeremy. Come on. Help me with the armoire.
Jeremy What about the boxes?
Michelle I thought you wanted to be fast with this?
Jeremy You said—
Michelle I’m trying to do things your way. Do you want to help or not?
(She exits downstairs. He looks to THE WOMAN.)
The WOMAN Don’t look at me. I’m not carrying shit. (JEREMY exits downstairs, the leftover boxes still in the stairwell. The rhythmic thumping happens again.) Dios mio. C’mon, you two. Nobody wants to hear the newlywed rendition of La bohème.
REBECCA (Offstage) Anybody have four more quarters? I forgot about the dryer.
(Thumping gets louder.)
WOMAN That’s how you want to play this?
(THE WOMAN throttles the door to the other apartment in a rhythmic pattern to imitate them, now creating a contest.)
REBECCA (Offstage) Anybody?
(MICHELLE and JEREMY enter, carrying the armoire.)
Michelle Careful!
Rebecca (Offstage) Nobody has four quarters?
Luschek (Offstage) I think I do!
(Moaning is heard from the apartment. THE WOMAN begins moaning louder than them while throttling the door.)
Jeremy It’s slipping; go slower!
Michelle You’re the one who said we need to go faster!
Rebecca (Offstage) I can trade you a dollar bill.
Luschek (Offstage) Deal.
Jeremy Michelle! Slower!
Rebecca (Offstage) Damn it, I only have a five.
Her Husband (Offstage) ¿Qué está pasando?
Rebecca (Offstage) Do you have change for a five?
Michelle We’re almost done!
Luschek (Offstage) I’m not a bank!
Her Husband (Offstage to kids) ¡Ni no pienses!
Rebecca (Offstage) Anybody have change for a five?
Jeremy I need to put it down!
Michelle No you don’t!
(Another scream from the apartment. The armoire slips from their grasp, and falls down the stairs, splintering apart, breaking not only itself but the contents of boxes still in the stairwell. All sound and noise that was in the apartment, and which has been building to a crescendo, stops with the fall of the armoire. There is a silent moment held in the air.)
Michelle (Screaming from her soul) Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
(All are silent. The UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR enters from upstairs carrying her pizza boxes, sees the wreckage, and exists back upstairs.)
Rebecca (Offstage) Is that a “no” on change for a five?
(MICHELLE goes to the window.)
Michelle Ask one more time, and I’ll shove a roll of quarters down your throat, and play you like a slot machine! (THE WOMAN begins to laugh.) What?
the Woman I like you.
(THE WOMAN exits into her apartment.)
Jeremy I tried to—
Michelle Get the hell away from me.
(JEREMY exits downstairs. MICHELLE sits. JOGGER enters from upstairs, and goes around the destruction, exiting downstairs. He then reenters, continuing his cardio, exiting upstairs. THE WOMAN reenters the stairwell.)
The Woman Here.
(THE WOMAN hands glue to MICHELLE.)
Michelle What’s this?
The Woman Wood glue. I wasn’t sure we had any left. Martín likes to eat it when I’m not looking. He likes the texture. I try to hide it, but the little shit is a Sherlock.
Michelle You think a bottle of wood glue is going to fix all this?
The Woman Small pieces. Otherwise… you’re fucked. Unless you knock on 6B. The woman there has a wood shop. She could fix this.
Michelle All of this?
The Woman She’s good.
(THE WOMAN hands her a cigarette.)
Michelle I don’t smoke.
The Woman I don’t, either.
(MICHELLE takes it, and THE WOMAN lights it for her.)
Michelle Thank you.
The Woman Your husband is an idiot.
Michelle Fiancé. And tell me about it.
The Woman You should’ve listened to the idiot.
Michelle Tell me about it.
Her Husband (Offstage) ¿Todo bien?
The Woman ¡No te metes en lo que no te importa! (To MICHELLE) That’s my idiot.
(They laugh together.)
Michelle I’m Sara Michelle. People call me Michelle.
The Woman I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Michelle No, I…
(She chuckles, and takes a drag.)
The Woman Which apartment are you two in?
Michelle 3A.
The Woman Benny’s place! (To MAN) ¡Ey! Esta gente se esta mudando al 3A.
Her Husband (Offstage) ¿El apartmento de Benny?
The Woman Ya no.
Her Husband (Offstage) ¿Que le paso a Benny?
The Woman ¿Yo que voy a saber?
Her Husband (Offstage) ¡Pregunta!
The Woman ¡Tu preguntale!
Michelle Benny?
The Woman Italian guy. Handsome. Used to see him all the time, but then... gone. Never really talked to any of us. It was nice.
Michelle Oh.
The Woman But they sure did the place up! New floors. Fresh paint. Martín was in there licking the walls, and he didn’t get nauseous or anything, so I don’t think they’re using the lead-based stuff, anymore.
(JEREMY enters from downstairs.)
Jeremy Just the couch left.
Michelle Yep.
Jeremy Elevator freed up. We can take it up in that. If it fits.
Michelle Good.
(JEREMY sits with her, urgency for the move dissipated. She hands him the cigarette.)
Jeremy You hate when I smoke.
Michelle Your eyes get dark, and you look like a raccoon. But you’re my raccoon.
(He takes a drag from it.)
Jeremy I’m sorry.
Michelle I’m sorry, too.
Jeremy I’ll get this together. Maybe we can—
The Woman One of your new neighbors can help. And another is a scenic artist for one of the big theatres downtown. They owe me a favor.
Jeremy That’s—very kind of you. Thank you.
The Woman What are neighbors for?
(A man enters from the other apartment, wearing only a towel.)
TOWEL GUY Everything OK out here?
The Woman We’re handling it. You’re just now checking?
Towel Guy We were busy.
The Woman You mean finishing. How is the new husband? Broken in?
Towel Guy We both are.
The Woman You’re disgusting. Tell him that from me. (She signs in ASL while she says it.) You’re disgusting.
(They laugh together.)
Towel Guy And who are these two?
The Woman Down, boy. You can break them in after they break themselves in.
Towel Guy You’re no fun. See you tomorrow? Dinner?
The Woman If Death hasn’t graced me, sure.
Towel Guy Nice to meet you.
(TOWEL GUY exits.)
Michelle Come on. Let’s get the truck back.
Jeremy But the couch—
Michelle Can wait. (They got to exit downstairs. JEREMY exits, but MICHELLE hangs back. She signs the following, but doesn’t say it.) You know ASL?
The Woman I’m fluent in three languages; I’m Miss America.
Michelle (Signs, but doesn’t say it) Thank you.
The Woman (Signs, but doesn’t say it) This could be a good first home for you.
Michelle Is it that obvious we haven’t lived together before?
The Woman Everything is obvious to me.
(MICHELLE exits.)
Bienvendio.
(Another scream from the apartment.)
Her Husband (Offstage) ¡Martín! ¡No!
The Woman Si no paran de chingar… I’ll gut you and stack you like Russian dolls!
(JOGGER enters from upstairs, exiting downstairs.)
Mmm. That butt.
(To her husband offstage)
¿Por qué ya no sigues corriendo?
(THE WOMAN exits into apartment. UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR enters, carrying pizza boxes. She looks at the devastation still in the stairwell, and decides to simply toss the pizza boxes out the open window. She exits, you guessed it, upstairs.)
Luschek I found change for a five!
Rebecca Oh my God, thank you!
(JOGGER reenters from downstairs, continuing his routine, and exits upstairs as the lights fade to black.)
END OF PLAY
