NOTE: This is the original script, as shared by the author.
DIANE sits on the exam table. She is wearing a medical gown.
DOCTOR
Good afternoon, Diane. What's the trouble today?
DIANE
I'm dying.
DOCTOR
Oh, dear. And why do you think you're dying?
DIANE
Oh, I'm not the only one. There seems to be a consensus on the message board I visited.
DOCTOR
I'm sorry?
DIANE
I asked about my symptoms on one of those online message boards. Everybody said it was probably this deadly disease...I don't remember the name...
DOCTOR
And what are your symptoms?
DIANE
Oh, gosh, who remembers? Let's see...oh, yes, I had a strange sore on my arm.
DOCTOR
Well, then, let's take a look.
DIANE
Oh, it's gone now.
DOCTOR
What's gone?
DIANE
The sore. It went away a few days after I found out I was dying.
DOCTOR
Then why are you here?
DIANE
Because I had a strange sore on my arm. Please try to pay attention, doctor.
DOCTOR
But the sore went away.
DIANE
Yes.
DOCTOR
So, why did you come to me for a symptom that's no longer there?
DIANE
Well I didn't want to cancel the appointment, that would be rude.
DOCTOR
Yes, fair enough, but I don't see how I'm supposed to treat something that isn't there.
DIANE
Oh. Well maybe I should see another doctor. A specialist in rare, exotic diseases.
DOCTOR
I don't think that's necessary. Why don't you just show me where it is...was.
DIANE
Oh, gosh, let me see if I can remember. Was it this arm? Yes, I think it was. It was right about here. Or maybe it was a little higher...no this looks about right.
DOCTOR
And what color was it?
DIANE
Reddish...well, not red. Maybe pink with just a hint of maroon. I brought in some color samples.
(She produces some color swatches, the kind one would find at a paint store)
DOCTOR
That's alright, Diane. It sounds to me like it was just a pimple.
DIANE
Oh. That's a relief. I'll be sure to let my friends on the internet know.
DOCTOR
Ah, yes. Of course. Have a good day.
DIANE exits. MISS DEROMA enters and sits on the table.
DOCTOR
Hello, Miss Deroma. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but we did find a suspicious spot on your CT scan. We need to do a biopsy to determine exactly what it is. It's a fairly simple procedure, we'll just take a small needle and...
MISS DEROMA
Oh, I don't need any biopsy. I feel just fine.
DOCTOR
Well, I'm glad, but just because you feel fine doesn't mean...
MISS DEROMA
And can't you just tell from the picture what this...spot...is?
DOCTOR
No, unfortunately not.
MISS DEROMA
Well, I can't say that instills confidence in this medical establishment.
DOCTOR
There are limits to medical imaging, Miss Deroma.
MISS DEROMA
I should say so.
DOCTOR
Would you like to schedule the biopsy now?
MISS DEROMA
Absolutely not.
DOCTOR
But, Miss Deroma, this spot could be anything. Maybe it's harmless, maybe not. We won't know unless...
MISS DEROMA
I told you I'm perfectly healthy. I saw my herbalist yesterday. He read my chi and said I was fine.
DOCTOR
Your chi?
MISS DEROMA
Yes, doctor. My chi. Really, how are you allowed to practice medicine if you don't even understand what a chi is?
DOCTOR
Well, Miss Deroma, with due respect, I think my medical training should supersede...
MISS DEROMA
Supersede what? How dare you! Do the biopsy right this second. I intend to prove to you that you don't have the foggiest idea what you're talking about.
DOCTOR
Very well, Miss Deroma.
MISS DEROMA
You're going to get bad juju for this, you know.
MISS DEROMA exits as DIANE returns.
DOCTOR
Hello, again, Diane. What can I do for you this week?
DIANE
My friends on the internet think you're wrong.
DOCTOR
About what?
DIANE
The sore that was on my arm. They think I should get a second opinion.
DOCTOR
I see. So why are you here?
DIANE
For your second opinion.
DOCTOR
Diane, that's not how it works. If you want a second opinion from another physician, I"d be happy to refer you to...
DIANE
No, I'd like to stick with you.
DOCTOR
Why do you want to keep seeing me if you think I'm wrong?
DIANE
You have very good reviews on Grade My Doctor dot com. So, I would like a second opinion, please.
DOCTOR
Diane, I'm afraid I've already offered you the only opinion I have.
DIANE
That's impossible. Nobody ever has just one opinion about anything.
DOCTOR
Well, madam, concerning this disappearing zit, I have one medical opinion, and one only.
DIANE
So now you think I'm lying about the sore? Is that it?
DOCTOR
Absolutely not, I'm only saying...
DIANE
There was a sore on my arm. It was...right here (as she indicates an arbitrary point on the opposite arm as the earlier scene). Clear as the nose on my face. And I'll have you know I have never had a zit a day in my life! In school, my teachers always complimented me on my clear complexion.
DOCTOR
I'm sure they did.
DIANE
It's probably rabies.
DOCTOR
I'm sorry, rabies?
DIANE
I saw a website that said it could be a sign of rabies. Or gonorrhea.
DOCTOR
Diane, that's not true.
DIANE
Are you even a real doctor? I'd like to see some credentials please.
DOCTOR
Listen, Diane...
DIANE
That's Mrs. Forrester to you.
DOCTOR
Mrs. Forrester, I can assure you that if you die of anything it will not be rabies.
DIANE
Well, we'll see about that!
DIANE exits. MISS DEROMA re-enters.
DOCTOR
Hello, again, Miss Deroma. We have the results of your biopsy. I'm sorry, but it looks like there is a cancerous growth on your lung.
MISS DEROMA
I beg your pardon?
DOCTOR
The spot we talked about contains cancerous cells.
MISS DEROMA
Again with this nonsense? I visited my chi master this morning and he assured me I was just fine. You obviously have your wires crossed somewhere.
DOCTOR
The good news is we caught the cancer at an early stage. We should be able to operate and remove it entirely.
MISS DEROMA
You'll do no such thing. I'm going to find another doctor. Someone with credentials. And herbs.
MISS DEROMA exits as DIANE returns
DIANE
I was thinking about my last visit, when you refused to offer me a second opinion.
DOCTOR
I didn't refuse, I only said that...
DIANE
And I was doing some research on patient-doctor transference. And based on what I've read I think it's obvious that you're in love with me.
DOCTOR
I beg your pardon.
DIANE
It's alright, doctor, I don't blame you.
DOCTOR
Mrs. Forrester, that's not how transference works. The patient falls in love with the doctor, not the other way around.
DIANE
Doctor, if you're insinuating that I'm in love with you I can assure you that you're wrong.
DOCTOR
Alright, Mrs. Forrester.
DIANE
I mean, what an absurd suggestion to make.
DOCTOR
If you say so.
DIANE
The idea that someone would be in love with a man who has so many intellectual defects.
DOCTOR
I was magna cum laude at Harvard Medical School.
DIANE
(Letting her guard down)
Did you say Harvard?
DOCTOR
Mrs. Forrester, why are you here?
DIANE
If you must know, I have a new symptom.
DOCTOR
What is it?
DIANE
A symptom is an indication of a disease. Really, doctor, you should know that.
DOCTOR
I meant what is your symptom?
DIANE
Yesterday I urinated three more times than usual.
DOCTOR
You urinated three extra times?
DIANE
Yes. I usually urinate five times a day. Yesterday I urinated eight times. Frequent urination is a symptom of diabetes.
DOCTOR
Are you having any other symptoms that would suggest diabetes?
DIANE
Not yet. But I would like to be treated for it proactively please.
DOCTOR
Very well, Mrs. Forrester, I'll check you for diabetes if that will make you happy. I just need to draw some blood.
DIANE
Blood? Don't you need a urine sample?
DOCTOR
No.
DIANE
Why not? That's where the problem is.
DOCTOR
Diabetes is diagnosed with a blood test, Mrs. Forrester. My nurse will take care of it for you.
DIANE
I see...very well.
DIANE exits. MISS DEROMA returns.
DOCTOR
I'm glad you came to see me again, Miss Deroma.
MISS DEROMA
I didn't come to see you. I came to tell you I found a competent doctor who has assured me that his healing methods have eradicated me of disease.
DOCTOR
And what are his healing methods?
MISS DEROMA
A pendulum.
DOCTOR
And his pendulum cured you of cancer?
MISS DEROMA
Yes. Assuming I even had cancer in the first place, which I remain unconvinced of.
DOCTOR
You know, Miss Deroma, it occurs to me that I don't have any proof of this miraculous cure. Perhaps you'd let our surgeons poke around so they can all see what a fool I am.
MISS DEROMA
Don't you dare play mind games with me, Doctor.
DOCTOR
No games, Miss Deroma. I'd just hate for you to get taken advantage of by a quack.
MISS DEROMA
Quack? How dare you! Cut me open right now stem to stern. You'll see how wrong you are!
DOCTOR
Alright, my nurse will set up the operation.
MISS DEROMA
Excellent.
MISS DEROMA exits. DIANE returns. You get the idea by now.
DOCTOR
Alright, Mrs. Forrester...
DIANE
Oh, please, call me Diane.
DOCTOR
Alright, Diane. Your blood work came back fine. No diabetes.
DIANE
I see. You know, now that I think of it, my urine was...a strange color, too. Perhaps you should take a urine sample.
DOCTOR
I don't think that's necessary, Diane, there are a number of reasons...
DIANE
I really think you should take a urine sample, Doctor.
DOCTOR
But, Diane, I don't think...
DIANE
I REALLY think you should take a sample, Doctor. Mister Harvard Med.
DOCTOR
Um...very well...I suppose that couldn't hurt.
DIANE
Oh...good. Now, how does one do that? Do you need to...examine the area?
DOCTOR
No, Diane. That's not necessary.
DIANE
You mean you don't want to...draw the urine yourself? You drew my blood so beautifully.
DOCTOR
Yes, well, this is different. You'll just need to urinate into a sample cup.
DIANE
Very well...would you like to watch?
DOCTOR
Diane please.
DIANE
Whatever you say, Doctor.
She exits. MISS FORRESTER is back.
DOCTOR
Miss Deroma, I have good news. It looks like we were able to extract the entire tumor.
MISS DEROMA
Excuse me? How dare you presume to remove something from my body! I think you planted that tumor there just to give yourselves something to do.
DIANE storms in.
DIANE
You know, Doctor, I've been thinking about your little diagnosis earlier.
DOCTOR
Diane, I'm with a patient.
DIANE
That's Mrs. Forrester to you. And if you think I'm going to stand idly by and allow you to take advantage of your sexual feelings for me...I don't understand how someone like you is even allowed to practice medicine. How did you get into college in the first place?
MISS DEROMA
A football scholarship probably.
During the following exchange, the DOCTOR makes a quiet exit.
DIANE
I can't believe I let you touch me.
MISS DEROMA
You probably don't even know what cancer is.
DIANE
So warm and tender...
MISS DEROMA
So cold and sterile.
DIANE
Those eyes...
MISS DEROMA
That attitude...
DIANE
Where did he go?
MISS DEROMA
Isn't that just like a doctor? Drop a bombshell and then run.
DIANE
Bombshell? What's wrong?
MISS DEROMA
Oh he says I had cancer. What's wrong with you?
DIANE
A whole host of things, probably. I think I have rabies and diabetes and he won't do a thing about it.
MISS DEROMA
Well, he gave me cancer.
DIANE
It's amazing who we put our faith in, isn't it?
MISS DEROMA
What is that on your arm?
Lights out.
