Gee, I can’t relate to you kids who talk...

Gee, I can’t relate to you kids who talk about ethnic pride. You’re the opposite of me. I know very little about my Puerto Rican heritage. You see, my family is just so All-American. They’re total blanks on Hispanic culture. Their idea of showing me my heritage is ordering in from Burritoville. I wish I knew more, but...I just don’t.
(Recite as dialogue:)
I DO NOT SPEAK IN ESPAGNOL…
I DO NOT DIP IN GUACAMOL'…
THERE ISN’T VERY MUCH LATINO
IN ME—NO!
I'VE CRIED WHEN I'VE TRIED JAL-A-PE-NO. [mispronounce as “HAL-OH-PEA-NO]
(Correcting herself)
I mean, Jalapeño. [*pronounce correctly as “HAL-A-PEA-N’YO”].
(Continues:)
IF THERE’S A TRACE OF SPANISH IN ME,
THAT TEENY CASE WILL VANISH IN ME;
I CAN’T KEEP PACE WITH MARC ANTHONY!
SO DON'T BLAME ME—AS
I TEND TO BE AS
ETHNIC AS MARTIN SHEEN, SELENA GOMEZ, AND
MS. CAMERON DIAZ…

They Chose Me!

Theatrical Rights - They Chose Me!