Twenty-five years of datin’, and after t...

Twenty-five years of datin’, and after the first twenty you begin to learn somethin’. And this is what you learn, if you’re smart. Go slow. Go slow!! Give yourself time to find out that he organizes his sock drawer alphabetically, by designer. Let it just naturally come up in the conversation that he can’t sleep unless he’s had four shots of bourbon. So, of course, I proposed to him after the third date. On the f#@kin’ phone!

(re-creates the phone call)

Vincent? You’re gonna laugh at me, but I started looking at flats yesterday, and I saw this amazing two bedroom near the park, it’s almost in Notting Hill, you can see it from there. You can pretend you live in Notting Hill, and I’ll pretend my face isn’t forty and…and we can go up to Brighton. They got a package deal up there, at the Theatre Royal, we can see a matinee of “Anything Goes”, and then we can…vicar, witnesses, and a cake. Hotel room on the water… I am not rushing!…Okay, I’m sorta rushing…No, don’t you dare! Don’t you dare!…Yes, it could be because I’m a psycho nut job but I’m not, I know ‘em when I see ‘em, I’m the one that puts them in restraints…that gets you hot doesn’t it? Now who’s the psycho nut job?…

(back to addressing the audience)

I’ve got to get ready for the big date. He doesn’t want to say yes or no on the phone. I mean, I put him in a helluva spot.

My grandfather Damiano used to say “You gonna make some lucky boy a good wife”, he’d say that, and he’d laugh until he couldn’t breathe any more. That’s how he died. No, really. He died laughing. In my arms.

Don’t know why all of a sudden I’m thinking about Grandpa D. He used to help me run lines, my very first part in a musical.

(As he puts on his jacket and combs his hair, he sings acapella an excerpt from“Friendship,” from “Anything Goes”)

IF YOU EVER LOSE YOUR MIND, I'LL BE KIND.

IF YOU EVER LOSE YOUR SHIRT, I'LL BE HURT.

IF YOU'RE EVER IN A MILL AND GET SAWED IN HALF,

I WON'T LAUGH.

IT'S FRIENDSHIP, FRIENDSHIP,

JUST A PERFECT BLENDSHIP,

WHEN OTHER FRIENDSHIPS HAVE BEEN 'FORGATE'

OURS WILL STILL BE GREAT!

He’d love Vincent.

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