I've never been able to say why... why I...

Bargaining

Ryan Stark

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I've never been able to say why... why I left. And, I think it was... that I just felt so... horrible. Guilty and... unworthy. I didn't deserve to live, when so many other people have to die. And I didn't deserve to have someone love me the way you do... and trust me so much. When we first jumped off this building... I found your devotion so inspiring, so moving... but after a while, it just started to weigh on me, and... everything that had comforted me started to torture me instead. I couldn't say anything, I couldn't even understand it, and I definitely couldn't cope with it... and I left.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I still feel... like I had no choice. Like it was important to leave. But... at the same time, I regret it, because I've spent every day since then feeling like something was missing. And now, I realize... I realize what I've lost. What I've been missing all this time.

I climbed the mountain to find the secrets of the universe, to find meaning and magic, and all I could think about... was you. And how you said, "It works because you make it work. It works because you both need it to work. It works because you believe in it." Being with you... was the most meaningful thing I've ever done. It was magic, and it was every day.

For a thousand years, you've sought me out, you've shown me how much you cared. And... when you left... I realized that if I ever wanted to fix things... I would have to be the one to find you. I know that you forgive me. And I know that you would go on with your life, without me. But I also knew that you would. You knew you couldn't make me come back. And you were right. But I know that you never gave up on me. I know that you never stopped loving me.

I'm going to live forever. And I don't want to spend another minute without you. You're the one. I don't mean... that you're the only person I've ever loved. I don't mean that you're the only person in the world that I could be with. But you're the one I want to be with. You're the one person, in my very long life... that I miss.

I know you have no reason to trust me again. And... I can't promise to love you forever. I can't promise that I won't change. I can't promise I won't hurt you again. All I can tell you is that I love you. You made me a promise once. I broke every promise that I ever made to you. But you've always kept the promise you made me. I think we deserve a chance to get it right.

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All monologues are property and copyright of their owners. Monologues are presented on StageAgent for educational purposes only.