GERALD WORKING BEHIND THE BAR. PATRICK S...

GERALD WORKING BEHIND THE BAR. PATRICK SITTING ON A STOOL IN FRONT OF IT, DRINKING A CIDER.

GERALD: The first thing you've got to realise is that they want it as much as you.

PATRICK: You think so?

GERALD: I know so. I mean you hear all that stuff about girls not liking it as much and girls being harder to arouse but listen, I know - they want and they need it. Just like you and me.

PATRICK: I don't know.

GERALD: You've got to stop thinking it's all your fault - it's not. I mean sometimes you're doing everything right and the girl's the one with problems. Like I slept with this girl once and we did it for hours - and I mean hours - and she still didn't come. Now that's not my fault is it? It's hers. I wake up later and she's having a wank. She starts screaming: "Gerald! Gerald! I'm coming!" What does she want me to do? Stand up and applaud?

PATRICK: Who knows?

GERALD: Attitude Patrick. It's all attitude. Stop begging for it and go out and get yourself some. You know your problem. No confidence. You’ve got needy eyes. No one goes for that. Believe in yourself. You are attractive. Girls are interested.

PATRICK: Not lately.

GERALD: That’s because you’re not projecting the right image. You’re all insecure. How long's it actually been?

PATRICK: Not sure.

GERALD: Come on. You can tell me.

PAUSE.

PATRICK: Six months.

GERALD: Six months! Shit. You sure it's still working?

PATRICK: Yes.

GERALD: Have you checked? Maybe it's fallen off. The longest I've ever been without it is three weeks. The longest three weeks of my life.

PAUSE. LARA DRINKS.

PATRICK: So what happened to her?

GERALD: The girl who couldn't? We hung around together for a bit, went out a few times, but in the end I just lost interest. I mean the sex had become non-existent and when it's all said and done, a f#@k's better than a friend.

PATRICK: Is it?

GERALD: You tell me. You see Patrick, what it's all about is recognising a need and then taking steps to satisfy that need. You don't need a friend do you? You need a f#@k. Am I correct?

PATRICK: Well ...

GERALD: Am I correct?

PATRICK: Maybe.

GERALD: Alright, so there's the need. Now we've got to take steps. Steps to satisfy. First of all we need an attractive young lady.

PATRICK: But -

GERALD: No buts Patty boy. You know what the man says - just do it , and do it now.

PATRICK: (LOOKING AROUND THE EMPTY PUB) There’s no one around tonight.

PAUSE.

GERALD: (GESTURING TO LARA) What about her?

PATRICK: Lara?

GERALD: What's wrong? You don't think she's attractive?

PATRICK: Of course I do.

GERALD: What then?

PATRICK: Gerald. She's your girlfriend.

GERALD: I don't have a girlfriend.

PATRICK: Well, you two are together.

GERALD: When we feel like it. What does that matter?

PATRICK: (AFTER A PAUSE) Let me get this straight. Are you telling me to -

GERALD: Listen, I'm a man of the Nineties. I'm not possessive. I don't get jealous. There she is - take steps.

PATRICK: But she's your girlfriend.

GERALD: I just told you. I don't have a girlfriend.

PATRICK: Does Lara know that?

GERALD: We have an understanding.

PATRICK: But Lara doesn't even like me.

GERALD: How do you know that? Have you asked her?

PATRICK: No but I can tell.

GERALD: How can you tell? You're pretty good looking.

PATRICK: Sure.

GERALD: You could do with a new set of clothes but you're not too bad. I know lots of young ladies -

PATRICK: Lara is not lots of young ladies.

GERALD: True, but that doesn't mean she don't fancy you. Many's the occasion I've heard her say -

PATRICK: What have you heard her say?

GERALD: "Patrick's looking good tonight". Things like that.

PATRICK: Bullshit.

GERALD: She has. And what about that time she kissed you?

PATRICK: That was just a joke.

GERALD: Was it? Low self esteem Patrick, low self esteem. The chances we miss in life due to low self esteem.

PATRICK: Gerald, I'm not you.

GERALD: But you could be. (PAUSE) So what’s the problem?

PATRICK: What do you think?

GERALD: Alright, so she's had some lovers previously, one of them which happens to be me, but you're no Saint either.

PATRICK: I can't believe we're even discussing this.

GERALD: Look matey, what’s important is the present. Living for today, not yesterday. I’m talking about right now. She's free tonight - take steps.

PATRICK: Why are you doing this?

GERALD: I see a solution - I suggest it.

PATRICK: Gerald - I’m you're flatmate.

GERALD: And I'm giving the all clear.

PATRICK: You really wouldn't mind?

GERALD: Not one bit. So what are you waiting for? All she can say is no.

PAUSE.

PATRICK: Some other time maybe.

GERALD: Hopeless. Absolutely bloody hopeless. Well, can't say I didn't try. Better get some more beers. Back in a sec.

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