MONTANA: We made it! We're inside the Li...

MONTANA: We made it! We're inside the Library of Loneliness.

JAMIE: Why is it called that?

LIBRARIAN: Oh, I'm so lonely!

JAMIE: That's Ms. Marion the Librarian.

DWAYNE: I've never seen her before.

LIBRARIAN: That's because hardly anyone comes to visit me in the library. It's such a lonely place now that most of my students no longer have noses in books. Instead, they are glued to those electronic traps.

CODY and CHRIS have been texting ever since they entered the library.

CODY: (Not looking up.) Huh? Did you say something?

CHRIS: (Not looking up.) If you're going to lecture us, can you just send us an email?

JAMIE: I love books. I read them all the time on my Kindle.

LIBRARIAN: Ugh. Kindles. I-Pads. Computers! Whatever happened to good old fashioned chop down a tree and press it into paper books?

(She hands one to Dwayne, blowing dust off the cover.)

DWAYNE: Ah! My eyes!

JAMIE: My allergies.

MONTANA: Now, Miss Marion, I would love to spend the entire afternoon in this beautiful library debating the pros and cons of the electronic age versus traditional print, but I am currently on an adventure. And according to my map, there should be a secret passage someone in this library.

DWAYNE: There's no secret passage in the library!

LIBRARIAN: There certainly is.

JAMIE: What?! Will you show us?

LIBRARIAN: I certainly will. But only if you can prove yourself a worthy reader.

CODY: (Still texting.) We read stuff all the time!

CHRIS: (Still texting.) And we write stuff too! L.O.L!

CODY: R.o.l.f!

LIBRARIAN: I have no idea what those two are saying.

CHRIS: O.M.G. you're so O.L.D.

LIBRARIAN: Perhaps you are not up to the challenge.

JAMIE: I'm up to it! I'm up to it!

LIBRARIAN: I will ask you one question. If you answer correctly, I will reveal the secret passage.

MONTANA: And what if she answers wrong?

LIBRARIAN: Then she will remain here, organizing the books on the lonely library shelves for the rest of her life.

DWAYNE: For the rest of her life?

LIBRARIAN: Or until the end of the school day, which ever comes first.

JAMIE: I am ready.

LIBRARIAN: Then let the challenge begin. Behold, three of the most popular books. Harry Potter.

A young wizard in glasses steps out, holding a book.

WIZARD: Greetings, young muggles.

LIBRARIAN: Twilight.

A pale faced teenage vampire steps out holding his book.

VAMPIRE: Hi. My name's Edward. I'm a sparkly vampire.

LIBRARIAN: And "The Hobbit."

A short, hobbit looking character walks out, holding his book.

HOBBIT: Hello. I'm a Hobbit.

(Optional: There could be more than one Hobbit character.)

LIBRARIAN: Now, tell me, young explorer, which of these novels was published first.

DWAYNE: That's easy! The Harry Potter movie came out first. Then the Twilight movie. And then the Hobbit movie!

JAMIE: Dwayne, those are movies, not books.

MONTANA: Good point. We better let her figure this out on her own.

VAMPIRE: Pick me. I'm the right choice.

WIZARD: Don't listen to him.

VAMPIRE: Shut up, four eyes.

WIZARD: You shut up, pasty face!

VAMPIRE: Why don't you make me!

HOBBIT: Let's not fight, good friends.

VAMPIRE: You got a funny scar on your head.

WIZARD: That's it! Avadacadabra! (Zaps the Vampire with his wand.)

VAMPIRE: Agh! You killed me! (Falls down.) Wait. I'm a vampire. I'm already dead. (Gets back up.)

MONTANA: You fictional characters better behave. Don't make me use my whip.

JAMIE: Okay, first of all, let me say, that you're all fun books to read. But I remember my dad telling me he read the Hobbit when he was a kid. So that's my final answer. The Hobbit.

LIBRARIAN: Correct! The Hobbit was written by J. R. R. Tolkien and published in 1937.

Montana Jones and the Gymnasium of Doom

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