(BARTHOLOMEW screams. Before them is a h...

(BARTHOLOMEW screams. Before them is a huge, horrifying-looking giant. The giant is reading a newspaper, bored.)

GIANT (without feeling)

Who dares trespass across my property? I shall eat you and grind your bones, yadda yadda. I’m gonna get you, etc. Murder you, probably, if you don’t leave.

BARTHOLOMEW

Well, on our way then! (Grabs CHILD in an attempt to exit)

CHILD (to Giant)

Excuse me, sir?

GIANT (putting down newspaper)

Uh. Yeah, what?

CHILD

Yes, excuse me?

GIANT

Are you talking to me?

BARTHOLOMEW

No, definitely wasn’t! We were just—

CHILD

Yeah! I was. Is that...ok?

GIANT

Er—sure, yeah. Usually people...run for their lives, but I guess it’s whatever. What’s up?

CHILD

Well, sorry to say it, but...well...you seem kinda out of it.

GIANT

Yeah?

CHILD

Like you’re not the most intimidating giant I ever saw.

GIANT

Oh no?

BARTHOLOMEW (admonishing)

HIGHNESS! (to Giant) No sir, Mr. Giant. You are certainly very horrifying and Her Highness

and I—

GIANT

The Queen?

CHILD

That’s right—

BARTHOLOMEW

Right. We’ll just be on our way.

CHILD (ignoring Bartholomew)

I guess I’m just saying you don’t seem real interested. In. Killing us.

GIANT

Everyone wants a performance!

CHILD

Well, no—

GIANT

I mean, nine-fifty an hour to threaten to kill kids. This is what I’m doing with my life?

BARTHOLOMEW

Only nine-fifty, really?

GIANT

Don’t get me started.

BARTHOLOMEW

But you’re a giant. Don’t you enjoy, like—

GIANT

What, killing people?

CHILD

Yeah.

(FAIRY sneaks on, watching in hiding.)

GIANT

I mean, do I look like some kinda jerk here? I’m just a guy. A big, ugly guy.

BARTHOLOMEW

VERY handsome, I think, sir—

CHILD

Bartholomew!

GIANT (ignoring the exchange)

So I look big and ugly and scary, so I’m supposed to...what, murder people? I mean, let’s talk

about this. Are we assuming giants have no morals? We have no laws or code of ethics? I

mean, where are these statistics coming from?

BARTHOLOMEW

Ya got me!

CHILD

So you don’t wanna kill me?

GIANT

Not particularly.

CHILD

Huh!

BARTHOLOMEW

And what about me? Do you have any specific feelings about killing me?

GIANT

Have you been listening to this conversation?

BARTHOLOMEW

Right. Just—making sure we’re on the same page.

GIANT

It’s been years since I’ve killed anyone. And even back then, it was like “meh”. But no. Alas.

Here I am, big scary cliché who must want to eat you or whatever.

BARTHOLOMEW

Grind our bones.

CHILD

For bread.

GIANT

See, where do they get this stuff? Gross. That bread would be awful.

CHILD

Seriously.

BARTHOLOMEW

But, if I may ask, sir. Why then—

GIANT

—Do I perpetuate my own stereotypes by scaring people off for a living?

BARTHOLOMEW

Exactly.

GIANT

What am I supposed to do, try and be a supermodel?

CHILD

You don’t have to be what people want you to be.

GIANT

Easy for you to say.

CHILD

Not so easy.

(Beat.)

GIANT

So I see. (pause) The evil witch is after you, you know.

For licensing inquiries, please contact [email protected]