MISS GROUT I’m glad the old witch is dea...

MISS GROUT I’m glad the old witch is dead! I hated the way she was always buzzing for us. I’m cooking the bacon as fast as I can, woman! Stop bothering me with all that buzzing racket!

MR. PERCY So loud and annoying! I’d be answering the door and next thing I know Bbbbzzzzz. Talking on the phone. Bbbbzzzzz. I’m a butler, not a bee, lady!

MRS. BATES (grabbing box of tissue) Well, she won’t be buzzing for us anymore! Now, we better get ourselves together. This dummy called the undertaker and she’ll be here any minute. We better start acting like we’re sad the old lady’s dead or she’ll get suspicious.

A few moments of silence pass with no action.

MISS GROUT How much jewelry do you have stuffed in your bra, Mrs. Bates?

CHRISTY laughs and ROX covers her mouth.

MR. PERCY Be quiet, you biddies! She comes!

ROX Oh, my gosh! That’s a real line!

MRS. COMBS enters. She is staring out into the audience, stage fright all over her face. She crosses slowly down center and stands there for a while, in silence. MRS. BATES and MISS GROUT begin taking tissues out of the box rapidly, dropping some on the ground, and blowing their noses loudly into others. After a few moments of awkward silence, MRS. COMBS exits. MR. PERCY, MRS. BATES, and MISS GROUT watch MRS. COMBS walk off, then stare at each other blankly. No one speaks.

ROX What? Where did she go? Is that it? She didn’t say ANYTHING! (beat) Is she coming back?

MISS GROUT (loudly) Thanks for stopping by, Mrs. Combs!

GRANDPA KENNY laughs.

ROX What do we do? (grabbing CHRISTY’s shoulders) You have to go out there!

CHRISTY What!

ROX You’ve gotta go out there and get them back on track. Feed them a line! Maybe they’ll pick it up. Page 22. Page 22!

CHRISTY Wait. What! A line? I could stand out there and read this whole thing front to back and it wouldn’t make a difference! Nobody knows what it says!

ROX You’re right! Never mind the script! Just go out there and ask them if they want tea. Then, get back here and I’ll ring the buzzer and see if that jogs their memory.

CHRISTY I think you’re nuts, if that makes any difference.

ROX Tea!

ROX shoves CHRISTY onstage though pantry door. CHRISTY, as HAZEL, curtsies.

HAZEL Good morning. Shall I bring tea?

MR. PERCY Yes! Where have you been, Hazel?

MISS GROUT Bring us tea! And hurry up with it, girl!

MRS. BATES And don’t forget the sugar!

HAZEL (curtsies) Yes, M’m.

HAZEL exits through pantry door to backstage set.

CHRISTY I’ll give her some sugar, alright! Now, what?

ROX shoves full tea tray and script into CHRISTY’s hands.

ROX You serve the poison tea, of course! Then, I ring the buzzer, and we’re back on page 22.

CHRISTY Does Hazel slap Mrs. Bates on page 22? Because that’s about to happen!

ROX It’s going to be fine. After the buzzer, say Mrs. Combs’ line “What was that,” and pray Shawnee takes it from there.

CHRISTY (finding her place in the script) What was that.

ROX (shuffling CHRISTY back onstage with tea) What was that. You’ve got this!

CHRISTY Here we go!

HAZEL enters from pantry and curtsies. She begins serving tea. ROX sounds the buzzer.

HAZEL What was that?

MRS. BATES (remembering her cue and picking up her lines) Why, I am not sure. Perhaps the doorbell is broken. Hazel, go upstairs and make sure Madam is still dead – I mean make sure all is well.

ROX (to herself) Yes! They’re back on!

HAZEL (reading from script) Yes, Ma’am. But, if the doorbell is broken, shouldn’t I check to see if someone has come calling at reception?

MR. PERCY No, that’s my job, Hazel! You know that. Now, get up there and check that our mortified mistress is still mortified – that is, resting in peace.

MISS GROUT Yes! Get up there, Hazel! Hurry up, girl!

HAZEL (curtsies) Yes M’m.

HAZEL exits through pantry door. She has just set down her tray when she hears MRS. BATES call her back on stage.

MRS. BATES Hazel! Come back! You went to the pantry!

CHRISTY (to ROX) Are you kidding me right now!

ROX shoves tea tray back into CHRISTY’s hands.

MR. PERCY (calling loudly from onstage) Hazel!

CHRISTY spins around with her tray to go back onstage.

HAZEL (enters from pantry and curtsies) Yes M’m.

HAZEL crosses to stairwell door, curtsies again, and exits. She makes her way around backstage to join ROX.

CHRISTY Ok! What do we do now?

_Onstage, MR. PERCY, MRS. BATES, and MISS GROUT wander aimlessly. MR. PERCY remembers they are supposed to hide the rope, so he shoves it down the front of his pants. He grimaces as he realizes that doesn’t feel very good. He walks gingerly so long as it stays there. _

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