MISS GROUT And with her lying up there c...

MISS GROUT And with her lying up there cold and green there shall be no more ringing of that vile buzzer.

MRS. BATES Such a loathsome sound.

MR. PERCY Woebegone resonance it had. For truth, to be beckoned by such an awful blast of that repugnant buzzing - well, it made me feel like a butler.

MISS GROUT You are a butler.

MR. PERCY Couldn’t she have used a nice bell to call? A pleasant ding-a-ling-a-ling would have been more polite. That gnawing BBBZZZZ. I hear it in my sleep! Just ghastly!

DAMON breaks character and raises his hand.

ROX Aw, man! It was going so great, minus that you’re all on script. Yes, Mr. Percy?

DAMON (perplexed) This language is hard, Rox. I’m going to have a tough time remembering some of these words.

ROX It’s not hard, Damon. It’s proper. The play is set in the past, so the characters speak differently than we do. Things you should work on in memorization more than three days before we open!

DAMON I was just wondering if maybe we could change a few of the words so they’re easier for me to remember.

ROX No. We can’t. Can we continue, now?

CHRISTY (loudly from back of house) I can’t hear what he’s saying.

ROX (under her breath) That’s ok, because it’s dumb.

CHRISTY What?

ROX Nothing! Alright, let’s skip ahead to Mrs. Combs the undertaker’s entrance. You guys are doing great. Mrs. Bates, why don’t you grab the box of tissues, and remember, when the undertaker comes in, all of you want her to think you’re sad – so, you’re wiping your eyes, blowing your noses – turning it on thick to convince her – to the point it looks suspicious. Got me?

ALL nod.

ROX And Miss Grout, once the undertaker enters, don’t forget to notice the knife with Mrs. Bates’ blood on it has fallen on the floor. Spend the whole time Mrs. Combs is onstage trying to hide it without her noticing.

ANDI Got it.

ROX And, Mr. Percy! The rope is still on the buffet. You need to get it hidden, too. Don’t let the undertaker see it!

DAMON 10-4, Chief.

ROX What do you guys think about being off-book for this part? None of you have many lines in this scene. Yeah?

No one responds.

ROX Ok. How about you keep your scripts, but try not to look at them? Let’s see how we do. C’mon!

ALL slowly lower scripts.

ROX There! That’s called progress, ladies and gentlemen! Ok, Mr. Percy, why don’t you cue Mrs. Combs the undertaker with your line just before she enters. (loudly to JULIE, backstage) You ready, Mrs. Combs?

JULIE (off) Yeah.

DAMON is trying to remember his line. Several seconds of silence go by.

ROX Mr. Percy?

MR. PERCY Line.

ROX Be quiet, you biddies…

DAMON (breaking character) Oh, yeah!

MR. PERCY Be quiet, you biddies! She comes!

MRS. COMBS enters from pantry. She is without script and in-costume. She is carrying a satchel.

MRS. COMBS My condolences –

ROX (interrupting) Wait! Nope! Wrong door!

JULIE (breaking character) What?

ROX You entered from the pantry.

JULIE Who cares?

ROX I care, Mrs. Combs. The audience cares. There are two doors. (ROX crosses to the stairwell.) This door goes to the stairs, which go up to the dead lady’s bedroom…(ROX crosses to the pantry door.)…and this door goes to the pantry.

SHAWNEE (breaking character) What’s the pantry, again?

ROX Imagine it’s a great big walk-in closet, but instead of clothes and shoes, it’s full of food. Think of it like a second, smaller kitchen. Would it make any sense for the undertaker to come out of the pantry?

No one answers.

ROX No, it wouldn’t. She’s not making a sandwich, she’s collecting a dead body. Which is where?

ALL Upstairs.

ROX Upstairs! So, which door goes to the stairs? We gotta keep this straight, or we’re gonna look stupid.

ANDI (breaking character) That’s a little rude, Rox.

ROX You’re right, Andi. I apologize. We’re gonna look like a bunch of idiots.

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