BOB What kind of adventure did you embar...

BOB What kind of adventure did you embark on Lee?

LEE Well, let’s see now. Me and Ethel waited on a bus for around 45 minutes and when it got there we rode about an hour n’ half, the windows rattlin’ all the way on a count of the bumpy roads, and it let us off on a beach where we sat around another half hour or so waitin’ on a little boat to pick us up. Then, we climbed on that and went screamin’ fast across a big lake. We didn’t see any crocodiles like they said we would and I think it was because Ethel got to coughin’ somethin’ fierce and probably scared the heck outta those crocs. Anyway, then we come to these Mayan ruins and I tell ya, it took me awhile, but I walked the back forty ‘til I found a hidden door down at the bottom of that big pyramid. Got inside there to some kinda alternate universe. It was pretty cool.

BOB, BETTY, DIXIE, and TREVOR are taken aback. There is silence.

LEE (calling off) Excuse me, Venko is it? I think I will have a beer after all, if ya don’t mind. What d’ya got that tastes like Busch Light?

TREVOR Go with a Coors Light, Dude. (as though it’s magical) The mountains on the can turn blue.

LEE (calling off) Make it a Coors Light if ya got it, Venk!

VENKO (off) Certainly, Sir.

BOB I’m sorry, Lee. Did you say you found a secret entrance into the Mayan ruins?

VENKO ENTERS with a beer for LEE. BOB tips VENKO.

LEE (nonchalant) Huh? Oh! Yep. Sure did. Opened the door right up and walked in big as day.

BOB, BETTY, and DIXIE laugh.

TREVOR (in awe) Dude. A secret door.

BOB Missouri must grow ‘em funny because this guy’s a real wisecracker! Is that how they say it in the South, Dixie?

DIXIE Somethin’ like that! You sure are a hoot, Lee!

BETTY A regular Kevin Hart. (to BOB) That’s the Jewish comedian’s name, isn’t it Bob? I like him. Very handsome.

LEE Thanks, now that’s real nice of y’all, but I’m not kiddin’. I went inside those ruins.

BOB Come now, Lee -

TREVOR Were there aliens in there?

BETTY Lee, you did no such thing. Now, really!

DIXIE He’s just pullin’ our leg.

LEE No, Ma’am. The tour guide, he told us, he said those stones are solid as rocks. But that didn’t make no sense to me. How could those Mayans move ‘em around back then with no forklifts? No cranes. I knew they had to be hollow. Ethel didn’t care one way or the other and she went off to have a smoke, so I walked all around that pyramid pokin’ and pryin’. I knew there had to be a way inside there. Those Mayans wouldn’t have gone to all that trouble just to build a bunch of stairs to nowhere out there in the jungle for the howler monkeys. I knew that. Although, they are some cute little boogers, ain’t they? Ate every bite of mangoes I gave ‘em. Anyhow, after snoopin’ around for a while, there it was. Nothin’ special. Just a door. Didn’t have a doorknob. If I hadn’t leaned on it just right, might never known it was there. Might never seen what I seen.

DIXIE What did you see, Lee?

BETTY Yes, Lee! Tell us what was inside.

LEE Now, pardon me, Ma’ams. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, especially not to pretty ladies who are as pretty as you two ladies are. But I don’t reckon I want to tell anybody about what I saw inside there. I think I’m going to keep that a secret just for me to know about.

BETTY A guessing game! Oh, what good fun this is! Isn’t it fun, Bob?

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