SARAH Hello….Emma, you absolutely have...

SARAH

Hello….Emma, you absolutely have to come!…You know why!…Yeah, but can’t the babysitter deal with…

LILLIAN

(entering) Who is it?

SARAH

Emma says she can’t come.

LILLIAN

Give me that!

(on the phone) You ARE coming, right?…If you don’t come, it’ll just be the two of us and FRED! You have any idea how weird that’s going to be?….Well, put her on the phone. Yes, let me talk to her.

(to a five year old girl on the phone) Lily? Are you being a good girl for your Mummy?…But you have to let your Mummy come to my party….Yes, I know Sam does that some times. Tell him Auntie Lillian says to stop hitting you or I’ll turn him into a mouse in my lab. Remember all the mice Auntie Lillian showed you in her lab? Well, you tell Sam they all used to be naughty little boys who bothered their sisters…

SARAH

(taking the phone from Lillian) Lily? Don’t you dare tell that to Sam, your Auntie Lillian was making a joke, okay? Now, sweetheart, remember how we all came to your birthday party? Well Auntie Lillian needs a party, too…Yes, she’s been very good this year…No, you can’t come. Not this time. Next year you can come. I promise. Next year you and Sam…Okay, if Sam is mean then we won’t let him come. Tell him that, okay? If he’s mean to you, he can’t come to Auntie Lillian’s next party…Yes, I will give your Mummy a big piece of cake to send home just for you…. No, if he’s mean Sam can’t have any. He’ll just have to watch you eat cake, and be sad.

LILLIAN

(answering the door, and calling out toward the phone) If he hits you, just hit him back!

FRED

(as he enters) Is somebody hitting Sarah?

SARAH

(into the phone) No, that wasn’t Auntie Lillian, that was noise from the TV. We’ll see you tomorrow, okay? But you have to let your Mommy come to our house tonight. Love you, too!

(she hangs up the phone)

LILLIAN

Sarah just talked Lily out of a temper tantrum. Darlin’, how do you do that?

SARAH

What do you think I do in my classroom all day? Kids are easy. Parents are hard.

(she kisses Fred on the cheek in greeting)

I’ve got to finish icing the cake. Happy Anniversary, gorgeous!

(she kisses Lillian and exits)

FRED

You got very lucky there, you know.

LILLIAN

Yeah, I know. So, is that my present? Can I open my present?

FRED

No, you can’t open your present, not yet. There are traditions involved in these things. Traditions are the markers of a civilized people. However, you could open the champagne.

LILLIAN

You brought champagne? For me?

FRED

Of course not.

LILLIAN

But you just said

FRED

Oh, well, I told the chap at the off-license about…and he sold me this!

(he pulls out a bottle labeled “Cham-plain”)

Isn’t this clever? They call it Cham-plain

LILLIAN

Bet it tastes like some cheap watered-down…

SARAH

(as she re-enters the living room from the wings) Now, Lil. That was very kind of Fred, I bet it’s just terrific. Open it, Fred. We’ll all have some.

LILLIAN

If I can’t have the real thing, I definitely don’t want THAT.

FRED

All right then. How about some music? Music is also traditional, I believe, at these sorts of things. I brought something Latin. Isn’t that what you danced to at your wedding?

SARAH

What a sweet thing to do. But I still have a few things to do in the kitchen, so

(she puts the CD in and the music starts)

…Maybe Fred wants to dance. Fred, why don’t you dance with Lillian while I…

FRED

She doesn’t follow me in the lab, what makes you think she’s going to follow me if…

LILLIAN

You want to lead? Okay, I’ll let you lead.

FRED

No, I don’t think

LILLIAN

Come on, Fred. Didn’t your mother make you take ballroom dancing? Isn’t that what the gentry do to their young?

FRED

I can perform, if called upon to do so.

(Sarah tries to walk past them on her way to another room to get something for the party: Lillian grabs her around the waist playfully, and they do a very impressive Tango together)

LILLIAN

Next year, Sarah and I are going to win a trophy. It’s supposed to look like Ginger Rogers, dancing with herself.

SARAH

The trick to it is, two people become one.

FRED

Hardly appropriate, then, for ME to dance with Lillian.

(the music stops, Sarah goes offstage to get Lillian’s present)

FRED

So how does it feel to be sober for an entire year?

LILLIAN

It feels…sobering.

(Sarah re-enters carrying a very large, beautifully wrapped gift)

LILLIAN

Yup. So, bring on the presents. What did you all get me? Something SHINY? Something BIG and SHINY?

FRED

I thought you hated jewelry.

LILLIAN

I do. I want a car. It’s not fair, Sarah has one and I don’t.

SARAH

Nobody’s buying you a car, Lil. In fact, maybe you shouldn’t be having any cake! Aren’t they going to give you a cake at the meeting tonight?

LILLIAN

I don’t know. Do they do that sort of thing?

SARAH

Maybe we should have invited your sponsor. But Lillian won’t tell me his name…

LILLIAN

It’s Anonymous. That’s the whole point.

FRED

But I met your first sponsor, and your second. They didn’t seem to be all that worried about

LILLIAN

(reaching for Sarah’s big package) All right then, let me see what it is!

SARAH

No, wait until Emma gets here!

LILLIAN

That’s ridiculous. Why should I sit here, staring into space, when I could be opening presents!

(Lillian opens Fred’s gift)

Very nice, but I already own a copy of the Fellowship of the Ring.

FRED

Open the front cover, you ingrate.

LILLIAN

Oh my God. Where did you get this?

FRED

The rare book dealer in Copley Square.

LILLIAN

Sarah, look at this. It’s a first edition, signed. Oh my God!

(she gets up and gives Fred a big kiss and hug)

I don’t deserve this.

FRED

Yes, you do. When we publish, I’ll get you an signed first edition of the rest of the trilogy!

SARAH

Bollocks, now my present’s going to look like

LILLIAN

Anything you give me I HAVE to love, don’t I? Because it’s from you, darlin’. So what piddling, negligible, cheap piece of sh#t did you buy me?

SARAH

Now I’m taking it back, and you’re never

LILLIAN

You know I’m joking. Give me that!

(they struggle playfully over a beautifully wrapped gift; Lillian finally wrestles it away from her, and opens it: a small sculpture)

SARAH I got Joan to do it for you. It’s a sculpture. For your desk.

LILLIAN

I can see that. It’s…it’s great. Just great!

(a beat)

A sculpture of what, exactly?

SARAH

She calls it, “Sarah and Lillian, Sittin’ In a Tree”. There’s our favorite bench, on the park, with the big chestnut tree, and instead of us on the bench, we’re over here. In the tree. Get it?

LILLIAN

Right. Now that you point it out, I can see it. It’s…

SARAH

And underneath the tree, there’s this.

LILLIAN

That little spot?

SARAH

It’s a pram! You know, a baby carriage! Sarah and Lillian, Sittin’ in a Tree, K-I-S-S-I-NG…didn’t you ever skip, for Christ sakes?

LILLIAN

No. So the two of us are in a tree, and what’s with the baby carriage?

SARAH

It’s part of the skipping song; “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Sarah with a baby carriage”.

LILLIAN

I can see where that would work out for breeders.

FRED

Last I heard, lesbians could get pregnant.

LILLIAN

Well, theoretically, sure, but who’d want to do that?

SARAH

I would!

LILLIAN

Very funny.

SARAH

It’s not funny to me, maybe it’s exactly what I want.

LILLIAN

Oh, come on. It’s not part of being…US.

SARAH

Why not?

LILLIAN

It’s not part of being ME.

SARAH

How do you know it’s not part of being YOU?

LILLIAN

Look, the time to ask me about kids was before we stood up and said “I do”.

SARAH

How could I even imagine kids until…and here you are, sober for a whole year!

LILLIAN

Sober enough to know I’m not interested.

(Sarah bursts into tears)

Christ, what did I do wrong?

FRED

Well, first, you didn’t listen, but we’re all used to that by now. Second, you didn’t offer a real argument, you just tried to shut one off. That’s not like you, Lillian.

SARAH

If you don’t like MY present, wait ‘till you see what Emma got you!

LILLIAN

I think your present is lovely. Very…Sarah-like. Come over here, darlin’. Sit down right here, and stop crying. Crying never gets you anywhere but wet.

SARAH

That’s a stupid thing to say.

LILLIAN

Yeah, I know. My mother used to say it. Where does this come from, all of a sudden?

SARAH

Sixteen people walking down the street, I see the one; the one in the buggy. Or the little carrier thingie, lets you walk around with the baby on your back, the little head bobbing up and down, looking around, eyes drinking it all in, scoping out this whole new world. Babies radiate. They glow.

LILLIAN

Look, I’m sure you’d be a great Mom, but me, I’d-

SARAH

You’d be amazing, too.

LILLIAN

Based on what?

SARAH

If Emma can do it

LILLIAN

That’s the argument my mother used to make about sleeping with men. If Emma can do it

FRED

I’ll just leave you two alone and…

LILLIAN Don’t you dare! Fred, you’re a neutral observer, you tell me, aren’t I doing my very best to try and listen?

SARAH

Yes, Fred, you are a neutral observer. Tell her what an arsehole she’s being!

FRED

Is there a gun in the house, so I can just shoot myself now and get it over with?

SARAH

Sit down, Fred. This wasn’t your fault. Stay. There’s cake.

FRED

I have an early tutorial tomorrow, I really should…

LILLIAN

For f@#k’s sake, Fred, don’t be such a pussy. I get it now. It’s because of that baby shower last month. All those lactating heterosexuals, they brainwashed you!

For licensing/performance inquiries, please visit monicabauer.com