MARLA JEAN Nobody move! This is a stick...

MARLA JEAN

Nobody move! This is a stick up!

ASHLEY

Do people really still say that?

MARLA JEAN

A hold up! Whatever! Don't move!

LANCE

Hey, nobody's going to move. Just calm down.

MARLA JEAN

That's just like a man! Telling a pregnant woman to calm down. If you were about to have another human come out of you like candy from a pinata you wouldn't say calm down!

BOBBY LOU

Mister, I think it'd be best that you not say anything else. I've been pregnant four times and the last thing you want is a lecture from a man.

LANCE

Point taken.

MARLA JEAN

I can pay y'all back as soon as the snow storm is over and I can get back to work. But right now I'm gonna need y'all to hand over some money.

BOBBY LOU

What's your name honey?

MARLA JEAN

Marla Jean.

BOBBY LOU

And what low life scoundrel got you into this predicament?

MARLA JEAN

Billy John Middleton.

BOBBY LOU

And how far along were you when he walked out, shirking his duties as a man?

MARLA JEAN

Two months. I'm glad he's gone. I can take care of this baby by myself.

RUBY SUE

Marla Jean. Why do you need money so bad?

MARLA JEAN

I have one payment left on my layaway at the Discount Baby Boutiquatorium, but the snowstorm has put me out of work for two days and I'm gonna be late with my payment and they're gonna put everything back out on the sales floor. I'm not gonna have any baby clothes, or diapers, or blankets, or anything. I've been paying on that layaway for six months!

RUBY SUE

Honey, how much do you have left to pay it all off?

MARLA JEAN

Thirty-eight dollars and sixty-five cents. I would have had it except for the storm. Now I'm gonna have this baby all by myself and it's gonna have to go naked because I can't make the last payment.

RUBY SUE

Marla Jean. I'm sure that if you put that gun down, we'd all be happy to pitch in and loan you the money to pay off your layaway.

MARLA JEAN

I'm not taking any charity.

LANCE

But I'm pretty sure armed robbery is not the way to go either.

MARLA JEAN

Shut up!

BOBBY LOU

I thought I told you to be quiet mister! The last thing she wants is advice from a man right now.

MARLA JEAN

(to Bobby Lou) I like you.

BOBBY LOU

Desperate times call for desperate measures and when you think you're going to bring home a baby with nothing, that's a desperate feeling. Howard and I were piss poor when we had our first baby.

RUBY SUE

Yes they were.

BOBBY LOU

But now we're finer than frog's hair. Marla Jean, give me the gun and Dewayne will make you a Kit and Kaboodle Platter. I bet that baby's hungry.

MARLA JEAN

Hmm. Well, alright. All I've had to eat the past two days is a few cans of beenie weenies. I got snowed in before I could get my bread and milk.

MARLA JEAN hands her gun to BOBBY LOU and takes a seat at the counter.

DEWAYNE

One Whole Kit and Kaboodle coming up.

MARLA JEAN

This hungry baby and I thank you.

BOBBY LOU walks over to MARLA JEAN and hands her the gun.

BOBBY LOU

Here's your gun back honey.

MARLA JEAN

Thank you Miss...

BOBBY LOU

Bobby Lou Bradshaw.

MARLA JEAN

Thank you, Miss Bobby Lou.

BOBBY LOU

And here's a check for your layaway. That's from Ruby Sue. She's my sister and she's got plenty of money so don't you worry about paying her back.

RUBY SUE

What?!

BOBBY LOU

And it's not charity, it's a baby gift.

HARLEY

Marla Jean, how did you get to The Waffle Barn?

MARLA JEAN

My neighbor has a guard donkey that protects his goats. I don't live too far from here so I put a rope on him and rode him over.

SAVANNAH

A guard donkey?

MARLA JEAN

Oh yeah. Donkeys protect goats and sheep from coyotes. They're real territorial. They'll kick a coyote's butt. Literally.

SAVANNAH

Where is he now?

MARLA JEAN

I tied him to the handicapped parking sign. I hope I don't get a ticket.

SAVANNAH

I'm sure it's fine.

MARLA JEAN

Look at you happy couples all snowed in together. Y'all must be honeymooning at The Lady Marmalade with Miss Margaret. I saw the tank.

ASHLEY

Oh no. Nothing like that. I'm with her and he's with him.

MARLA JEAN

Oh my! I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm sure Miss Margaret was happy to have y'all. And congratulations on your civil unions or whatever they're calling it these days.

LANCE

Oh no. That's not what she means.

ASHLEY

Don't be bashful Marine.

MARLA JEAN

Y'all are all lucky to have each other.

MARLA JEAN

I AIN'T GOT NOBODY

THERE'S A SAYING GOING ROUND

AND I BEGIN TO THINK IT'S TRUE

IT'S AWFUL HARD TO LOVE SOMEONE

WHEN THEY DON'T CARE BOUT YOU

ONCE I HAD A LOVIN' MAN

AS GOOD AS ANY IN THIS TOWN

BUT NOW I'M SAD AND LONELY

FOR HE'S GONE AND TURNED ME DOWN

NOW I AIN'T GOT NOBODY

AND NOBODY CARES FOR ME

AND I'M SO SAD AND LONELY

WON'T SOMEBODY COME AND TAKE A CHANCE WITH ME?

I'LL SING SWEET LOVE SONGS HONEY,

ALL THE TIME

IF YOU'LL COME AND BE MY SWEET BABY MINE

CAUSE I AIN'T GOT NOBODY

AND NOBODY CARES FOR ME

NOW I AIN'T GOT NOBODY

AND NOBODY CARES FOR ME

AND I'M SO SAD AND LONELY

WON'T SOMEBODY COME AND TAKE A CHANCE WITH ME?

I'LL SING SWEET LOVE SONGS HONEY,

ALL THE TIME

IF YOU'LL COME AND BE MY SWEET BABY MINE

CAUSE I AIN'T GOT NOBODY

AND NOBODY CARES FOR ME

CRAWFORD enters. He has a seat at the counter.

DEWAYNE

Well hello, Reverend. The usual?

CRAWFORD

No Dewayne. I'll take the Whole Kit and Kaboodle today. I've been snowed in at the church and the only thing there was some of Miss Betty Jean Price's Chicken Casserole-

BOBBY LOU

That woman can make a casserole!

CRAWFORD

-left over from Thanksgiving.

BOBBY LOU

Ewe!

CRAWFORD

Exactly! I'm starved.

HARLEY

How'd you get here Reverend? Bobby Lou and Ruby Sue have dueling Hummers, those four came by tank, and Marla Jean hijacked her neighbor's donkey.

CRAWFORD

I trudged through the snow for an hour. Sorry it's not as exciting as hijacking a donkey.

MARLA JEAN

It wasn't really that exciting.

HARLEY takes plates to ASHLEY, LANCE, STEPHEN, and SAVANNAH.

HARLEY

Can I get y'all anything else?

STEPHEN

One Whole Kit and Kaboodle to go please, for Miss Margaret.

HARLEY

Coming up.

SAVANNAH

Well, you guys know a lot about us but we don't know that much about y'all. You know I'm from Mississippi and Ashley's from Abilene, Texas and we know Stephen is from the Big Easy. Where are you from Lance?

LANCE

I'm from Bainbridge, Georgia.

SAVANNAH

You have GOT to be kidding! I won the Swine Time Pageant in Bainbridge a few months ago!

ASHLEY

She sure did. It added a thousand dollars to our graduate school fund.

LANCE

I haven't been since I left for the Marines. I won the greased pig contest when I was younger. First prize was a ham.

ASHLEY

We rode a few rides but we didn't have time to enter the greased pig contest.

SAVANNAH

And to think we could have gotten a whole ham out of it.

LANCE

There are other contests too. Corn shucking, chittlin' eating, syrup making, pig racing, hog calling, and of course the Miss Swine Time Pageant.

STEPHEN

I'm not sure about any pageants but in New Orleans we have the Jazz Festival, Crawdad Festival, King Cake Festival, and the Voo Doo Festival.

SAVANNAH

Oo! I wonder if there's a Miss Voo Doo Pageant?! I'd love to enter that, even if one of us wins Miss Chicken Plucker, and we have all the money for school we need.

STEPHEN

Just promise you'll call me in case I'm in town. I go back home every chance I get. There's no place like New Orleans.

SAVANNAH

So I've heard.

STEPHEN

WAY DOWN YONDER IN NEW ORLEANS

WAY DOWN YONDER IN NEW ORLEANS

IN THE LAND OF THE DREAMY DREAMS

THERE'S A GARDEN OF EDEN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? CREOLE BABIES WITH FLASHIN' EYES

SOFTLY WHISPER WITH THEIR TENDER SIGHS

STOP WON'T YOU GIVE YOUR LADY FAIR A LITTLE SMILE YEAH STOP, YA BET YOUR LIFE YOU'LL LINGER THERE A LITTLE WHILE

WE'VE GOT HEAVEN RIGHT HERE ON EARTH WITH THOSE BEAUTIFUL QUEENS

WAY DOWN YONDER IN NEW ORLEANS

(MUSICAL INTERLUDE FOR DANCING)

WAY DOWN YONDER IN NEW ORLEANS IN THE LAND OF THE DREAMY DREAMS

THERE'S A GARDEN OF EDEN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? CREOLE BABIES WITH FLASHIN' EYES

SOFTLY WHISPER WITH THEIR TENDER SIGHS

STOP WON'T YOU GIVE YOUR LADY FAIR A LITTLE SMILE STOP, YA BET YOUR LIFE YOU'LL LINGER THERE A LITTLE WHILE

WE'VE GOT HEAVEN RIGHT HERE ON EARTH WITH THOSE BEAUTIFUL QUEENS

WAY DOWN YONDER IN NEW ORLEANS

 MARLA JEAN

So you've been snowed in at the church?

CRAWFORD

I'm afraid so. I thought the snow would melt pretty fast like it usually does but it never did.

MARLA JEAN

I know. When I was young I'd get so excited about snow and getting to make a snowman but then the weatherman would say that stuff about no accumulation because the ground was so warm. And my dreams of making a snowman would just melt away with that snow. I can't even get excited about this snow because I see a big fat snowman every time I look in the mirror.

CRAWFORD

God never made a more beautiful creature than a pregnant woman, my daddy would say, and I believe it.

MARLA JEAN

Really? You believe that?

CRAWFORD

I do. I mean, I guess it could be the fact that your cheeks are just still red from being out in the cold when you were riding the donkey over here, but it looks like you're glowing to me.

MARLA JEAN

Well, thank you.

CRAWFORD

Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?

MARLA JEAN

No. I guess I'm old fashioned. I want to be surprised. Everything I have on layaway is completely neutral.

You've never seen so much green and yellow.

CRAWFORD

I think green and yellow are nice. All the latest baby magazines say blue and pink are completely over-done.

MARLA JEAN

Thank you very much. I hope the baby agrees.

HARLEY approaches STEPHEN with a to go box.

HARLEY

Here's your Kit and Kaboodle to go. Y'all have a safe tank ride back to Miss Margaret's. I know she's happy to have y'all, especially here at Christmas. She's been so lonely since Mr. Hubert died.

STEPHEN

We plan on fixing that. Ashley is building her a website for The Lady Marmalade and we've been leaving some pretty glowing reviews on Holler and Trip Advice.

HARLEY

While y'all are at it, put in a good word for The Waffle Barn. We need all the customers we can get.

LANCE

Looks like y'all are doing pretty well at the moment, especially

in a town that's snowed in with all of the roads officially closed.

 SAVANNAH

I've got an idea! We'll take a picture on the way out of the donkey tied up in front and leave a review about how people will find a way to get to The Waffle Barn come hell or high water or unpredicted snowstorm.

ASHLEY

Well, why stop at the donkey? We could take a picture of the tank too! If that doesn't convince people that the Waffle Barn is worth the trip, I don't know what will.

LANCE, STEPHEN, SAVANNAH, and ASHLEY exit.

DEWAYNE

(to Marla Jean and Crawford) Here are y'all's Whole Kit and Kaboodle's. Enjoy.

MARLA JEAN

I'm kind of embarrassed that I said I was old fashioned about not knowing if I'm having a boy or a girl.

CRAWFORD

Why? I think it's gonna be a nice surprise for you.

MARLA JEAN

Oh, it will be. I'm an unwed mother, Reverend, not exactly an old-fashioned kind of thing.

CRAWFORD

Mary was an unwed mother.

MARLA JEAN

That's true but I didn't get a visit by an angel to tell me how it happened. Unfortunately, I know exactly how it happened.

CRAWFORD

Well, Jesus said, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Alright! Do we have any takers?!

DEWAYNE

You certainly won't hear a peep from me.

BOBBY LOU AND RUBY SUE

Nothing from the booth, Reverend!

HARLEY

See Marla Jean. I would say everybody makes mistakes, but I can't, because I bet when you see your little baby smiling up at you, the last thing you'd call it is a mistake.

CRAWFORD

Well said, Harley.

HARLEY

THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF BAD IN EVERY GOOD GIRL

NOBODY EVER SINGS ABOUT THE BAD GIRLS

BECAUSE THE BAD GIRLS ARE SAD

EVERYBODY I KNOW SINGS ABOUT THE GOOD GIRLS

BECAUSE THE GOOD GIRLS, WELL THEY'RE GLAD

TILL YOU'VE BEEN AROUND ONCE OR TWICE

YOU CAN'T TELL THE NAUGHTY FROM THE NICE

THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF BAD IN EVERY GOOD LITTLE GIRL, THEY'RE NOT TO BLAME

MOTHER EVE, SHE WAS VERY VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD

BUT EVEN SHE RAISED CAIN

I KNOW A PREACHER'S DAUGHTER WHO NEVER ORDERS WATER

SO THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF BAD IN EVERY GOOD LITTLE GIRL

THEY'RE ALL THE SAME

THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF BAD IN EVERY GOOD LITTLE GIRL THEY'RE NOT TO BLAME

THOUGH THEY SEEM LIKE ANGELS IN A DREAM THEY'RE SO NAUGHTY JUST THE SAME

THEY READ THAT GOOD BOOK SUNDAY

AND THEN SNAPPY STORIES ON MONDAY

SO THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF BAD IN EVERY GOOD LITTLE GIRL

THEY'RE ALL THE SAME

For licensing and performance inquiries, please contact [email protected]

To listen to the songs, please visit Rebel Belle Publishing