GEORGIA  This travel bog you've started...

GEORGIA 

This travel bog you've started better be good. Coming 

home from a ball and having to traipse through the 

woods to our camp site seems ridiculous.

MILLI 

It's a blog, Georgia.

(A man shines a bright flashlight toward them from the 

glamping site.)

GEORGIA 

What the hell?

TWYLA FAY 

Don't worry! I've got my pepper spray I keep at The 

Tastee Freeze in case of a robbery.

GEORGIA 

Well, good for you Twyla Fay. Step aside I've got a 

forty five. (Georgia pulls out her gun and aims it at the flashlight.) Identify yourself or the coroner will!

(Jackson has on a fake beard, and a hat with his 

security guard uniform.)

JACKSON 

For God's sake don't shoot! I'm the Talk Derby to Me 

security guard. I was guarding the glamping site while 

y'all were at the ball.

MILLI 

I don't remember them telling me about a security 

guard.

JACKSON 

Can you call her off?

MILLI 

Down, Georgia.

GEORGIA 

I'll keep it close just in case.

(Milli, Twyla Fay, Vivian, Wynona, and Georgia 

arrive on the stage to the glamping site.)

JACKSON 

I'm sorry I gave you ladies a scare.

GEORGIA 

I wasn't scared.

JACKSON 

Well, anyway. The camp site is secure so I guess I'll 

be going now.

TWYLA FAY 

Wouldn't that be the glamp site?

JACKSON 

Oh, I guess so.

TWYLA FAY 

Well, before you go you should have one of my famous 

Mint Juliuses and sit a spell. We're all a little too 

hyped up to go to bed now.

VIVIAN 

There was a lot of excitement at the ball tonight.

JACKSON 

The ball was exciting?

WYNONA 

It sure was. They spun the wheel to see which one of 

the Derby Princesses was going to be crowned queen and 

the peg got caught between the names of two of the so 

called princesses.

MILLI 

A cat fight ensued like I've never seen before. 

Rhinestones from those princess crowns went flying. 

Ball gowns were torn to shreds and in the end we 

couldn't see much for all the tufts of hair flying. It 

was like a blizzard of hair and flakes of Aqua Net.

(Everyone sits except for Twyla Fay who is getting 

out Mint Juliuses from the cooler and passing them 

around.)

JACKSON 

Who ended up being the queen?

MILLI 

The two who got in the cat fight got disqualified for 

acts unbecoming of a Derby Queen, so they spun the 

wheel again and made dang sure this time that peg 

didn't get stuck.

VIVIAN 

They sure did. Before they gave it a spin, some man in 

knickers and a velvet coat with tails - I think he's 

supposed to be the Duke of the Derby or something - 

anyway, he came out on that stage with a can of WD 40 

and gave that peg a good spray.

WYNONA 

The peg ended up on some girl's name from Booger 

Branch, Kentucky. Apparently, it's in the hills of 

Appalachia and her grandfather was a wealthy 

bootlegger.

JACKSON 

Booger Branch huh? Well, where are you ladies from?

VIVIAN 

We're from Willacoochee, Georgia. Milli is starting a 

travel blog. She wanted to write something about the 

Derby so we decided to make it a girls' trip.

TWYLA FAY 

Yeah, and being the efficient and frugal gal that she 

is, she decided we'd glamp while we were here so she 

could write an article about that too.

JACKSON 

You ladies weren't worried about staying out here in 

the woods like this alone?

VIVIAN 

No, we figured we'd get intruders drunk on Mint 

Juliuses or Georgia would shoot them. 

JACKSON 

What do y'all do back in Georgia, if you don't mind my 

asking?

TWYLA FAY 

I own the local Tastee Freeze. I've been working there 

since high school. I've never worked anywhere else.

VIVIAN 

I'm a retired teacher. I put in my twenty years and got 

away from those little hellions. I won't even drive by 

a school anymore.

MILLI 

I was a nurse and now, as you heard before, I'm trying 

my hand at writing.

GEORGIA 

I was married to Chip Dawson so now I'm just a wealthy 

widow leading a glamorous life traveling around, 

staying in tents and enjoying non-flushing toilets.

JACKSON 

And what about you?

WYNONA 

I own the Til Death Do Us Part Wedding Venue and 

Cemetery. My Grandfather left me his forty-acre farm so 

I needed to find a use for it. I do weddings in the 

barn. After a few years I just decided paying taxes on 

that forty acres was a waste. I didn't know how to 

plant anything so now we just plant bodies.

MILLI 

Well, where are my manners? We're sharing cocktails 

with a man and we don't even know your name!

JACKSON 

My name? Uh.. Harry.

MILLI 

Well, Harry, I'm Milli, this is Wynona, Twyla Fay, Georgia, and Vivian.

JACKSON 

It's a pleasure to meet you ladies. And might I say 

this Mint Julius is a fine concoction. Maybe the Tastee 

Freeze ought to get a liquor license.

TWYLA FAY 

Hmm. I never thought about that.

JACKSON 

I mean the kids could get ice cream and -

GEORGIA 

The mommies could get liquid valium.

VIVIAN 

Now that's what I call killing two birds with one 

stone. Maybe you should seriously consider it Twyla 

Fay!

WYNONA 

So, will you be guarding our glamping site while we're 

at The Kentucky Oaks race tomorrow?

GEORGIA

The Kentucky Oaks? I thought it was the Kentucky Derby.

MILLI 

The day before the Derby is the Kentucky Oaks race. 

It's for Fillies only. The winning horse gets draped in 

a big ole garland of pink Lillies so it's called Lillies for the Fillies. That's why everyone wears pink to the Kentucky Oaks race.

JACKSON 

Ah, yes. I'll be here.

VIVIAN 

Sorry ladies but I've got to turn in. This Mint Julius 

has me more relaxed than a cat napping on a warm truck 

hood.

GEORGIA 

Me too. I'm exhausted...It's almost like I was drugged 

or something.

(Wynona gives Milli a panicked look. Like, did you 

tell her?! Millie shakes her head no quickly. 

Georgia and Vivian retire to their tents.) 

JACKSON 

Good night ladies. I ought to be going too. Miss Twyla 

Fay that was some drink. It was like supper, dessert, 

and a cocktail all rolled into one.

TWYLA FAY 

I'm glad you liked it. If you ever find yourself in 

Willacoochee, come on by The Tastee Freeze and I'll 

give you one on the house!

JACKSON 

Will do. See y'all tomorrow after the race.

WYNONA 

Good night, Harry.

JACKSON 

Good night, Wynona. (Jackson exits.)

WYNONA 

He sure was handsome.

MILLI 

Wynona! Since you and Jackson split up I haven't heard 

you say a peep about any man.

WYNONA 

Well after being separated for six months, our divorce 

will finally be final next week. I feel like I can look 

now if I want to.

TWYLA FAY 

There's nothing wrong with looking. But I do think you 

should wait until the divorce is final before you start 

touching.

MILLI 

Wynona, what happened? Y'all almost made it to your 

Thirty-year anniversary. I've never heard you say he 

ran around on you or anything.

WYNONA 

Oh no. He was as faithful as the day was long.

TWYLA FAY 

Did he ever abuse you Wynona? You can tell us.

WYNONA 

Why heavens no. Of course, when he asked my Daddy for my hand, my Daddy did threaten to cut off his manhood if he ever laid a finger on me.

MILLI 

Well what on earth was it?

WYNONA 

I just felt like the magic was gone. You know?

MILLI 

Honey, the magic is gone after the first night of the 

honeymoon when you see his underwear sprawled out on 

the bathroom floor with racing stripes in the crotch.

TWYLA FAY 

Ew Milli!

MILLI 

I'm just saying that the butterflies go away for 

everyone at some point, then you've got the 

companionate love to keep you together.

WYNONA 

I know what you're saying Milli. I read all the books. "Keep The Spark, Even During Burnout," "Naughty 

Reunions," "You Haven't Lost It Just Find Where Y'all 

Put It." I've read them all.

TWYLA FAY 

I'd really think about it, Wynona. Everybody knows a 

good man is hard to find.

MILLI 

Maybe it's the fact you own a wedding venue and you see 

all those wildly in love young couples all the time.

WYNONA 

I thought about that too. And I have to admit, I felt 

like it had been a long time since Jackson looked at me 

that way.

TWYLA FAY 

You know, Jackson sees you put on a girdle. I'm sure 

that takes away a little of the luster. Just wait until 

that doe eyed groom watches his bride stuff herself 

into a pair of spanks before church one day.

(Jessie Lee and Beau come up the aisle to the 

stage.)

MILLI 

Well, it's almost midnight and here comes the young 

couple from the ball.

WYNONA 

I still can't believe you let her stay behind with a 

man she just met. He could have been an ax murderer.

MILLI 

Wynona, my daughter came within half a point of making 

the olympic team in Jiu Jitsu. Plus, she had two 

semesters of stage combat.

TWYLA FAY 

Did y'all close down the ball?

JESSIE LEE 

Yes we did. Beau introduced me to tons of people and we 

danced and danced.

BEAU 

Sure did.

WYNONA 

Well you young whippersnappers are going to have to 

have fun without me. I'm turning in.

TWYLA FAY 

I'm right behind you.

(Wynona and Twyla Fay exit into their tents.)

MILLI 

Thank you for getting her home safe, Beau. I'll see you 

tomorrow at the race. (Milli exits into her tent.)

JESSIE LEE 

I hope I haven't kept you up too late since you have to 

play The Call to Post at the Oaks in the morning.

BEAU 

Oh, yeah. No, it's all good. Can we have one last dance?

JESSIE LEE 

Here?

BEAU 

Yes, here.

JESSIE LEE 

In the woods?

BEAU 

Well, it doesn't sound quite as romantic when you say it like that.

JESSIE LEE 

Then let me rephrase it. You mean dance, here, in the 

moonlight?

BEAU 

Yes, that's exactly what I mean...

JESSIE LEE/BEAU

BY THE LIGHT OF THE SILVERY MOON

JESSIE LEE

BY THE LIGHT, OF THE SILVERY MOON 

I WANT TO SPOON 

TO MY HONEY I'LL CROON LOVE'S TUNE 

HONEY MOON,

BEAU 

HONEY MOON, HONEY MOON

JESSIE LEE AND BEAU 

KEEP A-SHININ' IN JUNE 

YOUR SILVERY BEAMS WILL BRING LOVE'S DREAMS

JESSIE LEE 

WE'LL BE CUDDLIN' SOON

JESSIE LEE AND BEAU 

BY THE SILVERY MOON

JESSIE LEE 

PLACE - PARK,

BEAU 

SCENE - DARK

JESSIE LEE 

SILVERY MOON IS SHINING THROUGH THE TREES

BEAU 

CAST - TWO

JESSIE LEE 

ME - YOU

BEAU 

SUMMER KISSES FLOATING ON THE BREEZE

JESSIE LEE 

ACT ONE

BEAU 

BE GUN

JESSIE LEE 

DIALOG - WHERE WOULD YA LIKE TO SPOON?

BEAU 

MY CUE, WITH YOU

JESSIE LEE AND BEAU 

UNDERNEATH THE SILVERY MOON

JESSIE LEE 

BY THE LIGHT

BEAU 

NOT THE DARK BUT THE LIGHT

JESSIE LEE 

OF THE SILVERY MOON

BEAU 

NOT THE SUN BUT THE MOON

JESSIE LEE 

I WANT TO SPOON

BEAU 

NOT CROON BUT SPOON

JESSIE LEE 

TO MY HONEY I'LL CROON LOVE'S TUNE 

HONEY MOON,

BEAU 

HONEY MOON, HONEY MOON

JESSIE LEE AND BEAU 

KEEP A-SHININ' IN JUNE 

YOUR SILVERY BEAMS WILL BRING LOVE'S DREAMS 

WE'LL BE CUDDLIN' SOON, BY THE SILVERY MOON

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