GEORGIA  Can you explain to me one more...

GEORGIA 

Can you explain to me one more time why we're sitting 

out here?

MILLI 

Our tickets are for the infield.

WYNONA 

It sounds like NASCAR.

GEORGIA 

It LOOKS like the infield at a NASCAR race except for 

the occasional drunk sorority girl in a pretty dress 

and hat.

MILLI 

These are the least expensive tickets. The next lowest 

price tickets are four hundred and twenty-five dollars and those seats are on a hard bleacher with no back rest.

VIVIAN 

I now see why we're sitting in the infield.

MILLI 

I do hear it can get a little rowdy out here later in 

the day.

WYNONA 

Well things must have started early because I just saw 

a man in a seersucker suit funnel a beer, and it's only 

nine o'clock in the morning.

GEORGIA 

We can't even see the racetrack from here. I just see 

fashions running the gamut from shirtless with blue 

jean cutoffs to Lilly Pulitzer with Jimmy Choos.

WYNONA 

Ladies, it looks like a group of young men over there are taking off their seersucker pants and hosing down a 

patch of ground.

VIVIAN 

What?! What are they going to do in their button downs 

and underwear?

WYNONA 

Mud wrestle I hope.

VIVIAN 

Wynona!

WYNONA 

Hey! What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

MILLI 

Is Twyla Fay still at the betting window?

VIVIAN 

She should have just bet on the horses with the best 

names like I did. I'm positive Kiss my Grits is gonna 

win me some big money!

(Twyla Fay enters holding a betting slip.)

TWYLA FAY 

Ladies, this little slip holds my future.

VIVIAN 

There's not a lot of room on that slip for much of a 

future.

MILLI 

What are you talking about, Twyla Fay?

TWYLA FAY 

I haven't told anyone this, but I might lose the Tastee 

Freeze.

WYNONA 

Why would you lose the Tastee Freeze? You've owned it 

practically your whole life.

TWYLA FAY 

First off, the health department said my freezers are on their last leg. They don't get cold enough and the 

appliance repair man said they can't be fixed anymore. 

I just have to replace them.

GEORGIA 

Looks to me like you need to do some sweet talking to 

somebody.

TWYLA FAY 

I tried to seduce Leonard with my wiley womanly ways, 

but he saved me from myself.

VIVAN 

Twyla Fay! Have you no shame?

TWYLA FAY 

It was spur of the moment. When Leonard informed me I 

had to get two new freezers because they couldn't be 

fixed, I was desperate. I told him I knew he could fix 

them with the right motivation.

WYNONA 

What did he say?!

TWYLA FAY 

He said no type of motivation would repair a thirty 

year old freezer and that I needed to get a hold of 

myself.

GEORGIA 

I cannot believe you offered your services to Leonard 

Luvale in exchange for getting your freezers fixed.

TWYLA FAY 

My services? Of course, I offered him my services.

VIVIAN

Twyla Fay! That is practically prostitution!

TWYLA FAY

Oh my! Is that what y'all are thinking? I offered him a year of free ice cream, but he wouldn't take me up on the offer because he said with my faulty freezers he'd probably die of salmonella or something.

WYNONA 

Offering somebody a year of free ice cream is your 

definition of using your wiley womanly ways?

TWYLA FAY 

Would you do whatever I asked you to to get free ice 

cream for a year?

WYNONA 

Of course, so I guess you have a point.

TWYLA FAY 

I guess ever since Leonard got gastric bypass surgery 

and lost that two hundred pounds, it's not as easy to 

tempt him with a high calorie treat.

VIVAN 

Yeah, and I heard he's become very popular on the 

WillacoocheeWidows.com dating site.

TWYLA FAY 

How would you know? I thought you'd sworn off dating.

VIVIAN 

I have but I can still window shop if I feel like it.

TWYLA FAY 

Anyway, not only do I have to buy two new freezers at 

two thousand dollars a piece, the building code 

inspector has informed me that all the wires the 

squirrels haven't chewed are still too old to be safe 

and that I have to have the whole place rewired. I also 

need a new roof, and a new air conditioning unit, and 

if I don't get all that, they're going to shut me down.

MILLI 

So please explain how that betting slip is holding your 

future exactly?

TWYLA FAY 

I just bet my entire savings on a horse named Miss 

Patch to win the Derby tomorrow. She's a one eyed three 

year old filly. An underdog!

MILLI 

Twyla Fay, you didn't!

TWYLA FAY 

I did! She's a fifty to one long shot but I feel it in 

my bones that she's a winner.

WYNONA 

What you feel is called arthritis. What were you 

thinking?!

TWYLA FAY 

I've played everything safe my whole life, Wynona. I 

started working at The Tastee Freeze when I was sixteen and never left. When I got the chance to buy it from 

the owner, I took it. I'm telling you I've got a 

feeling about Miss Patch, the one-eyed underdog.

VIVIAN 

I've got a feeling about her too. I feel she doesn't 

have depth perception with just one eye. She'll 

probably end up running into the back of the horse in 

front of her.

TWYLA FAY 

That's fine. That may be Miss Patch's way of saying get 

your ass out of the way!

MILLI

Twyla Faye you love the Tastee Freeze. It just 

wouldn't be the same without you being the owner.

TWYLA FAY 

I know. I do love it. That's why I'm willing to risk 

everything. I don't have enough savings to come close 

to fixing it up but if my horse wins the race, I can 

make the Tastee Freeze slicker than snot on glass.

GEORGIA 

Let's hope not!

TWYLA FAY 

You know what I mean!

MILLI 

This is a big gamble.

TWYLA FAY 

I know but what would life be...without The Tastee 

Freeze?

WYNONA 

Twenty pounds lighter in my case.

TWYLA FAY 

I've made my bet! If you ladies love me you'll cheer 

your heads off for Miss Patch tomorrow.

TWYLA FAY

THE DERBY LADIES SING THIS SONG, 

DOO-DA, DOO-DA 

THE DERBY RACETRACK'S NOT VERY LONG 

OH, DE DOO-DA DAY 

GOIN' TO RUN ALL NIGHT 

GOIN' TO RUN ALL DAY 

I BET MY MONEY ON A HALF BLIND NAG 

SOMEBODY BET ON THE BAY 

I'M OUT TO SAVE THE TASTEE FREEZE, 

DOO-DA, DOO-DA 

MY HORSE WILL WIN AS PRETTY AS YOU PLEASE, 

OH, DE DOO-DA DAY 

GOIN' TO RUN ALL NIGHT 

GOIN' TO RUN ALL DAY 

I BET MY MONEY ON A HALF BLIND NAG 

SOMEBODY BET ON THE BAY 

(DANCE)

GOING TO THE RACE WITH MY PINK HAT ON, 

DOO-DA, DOO-DA 

I'LL BE IN THE INFIELD DANCING ON THE LAWN 

OH, DE DOO-DA DAY 

GOIN' TO RUN ALL NIGHT 

GOIN' TO RUN ALL DAY 

I BET MY MONEY ON A HALF BLIND NAG 

SOMEBODY BET ON THE BAY 

SOMEBODY BET ON THE BAY

SOMEBODY BET ON THE BAY!!

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