The scene is a candle-lit living room...

The scene is a candle-lit living room set in the 1878. Electricity has just been introduced.

There is a small light bulb covered by a sheet on a small table in the center of the stage.

A cord leads down from it and disappears off stage.

A candle is burning on the small table. It is evening.

(Music begins and William enters stage left. He appears flustered as he tries to put on his tie.)

William: I’m just an inventor | Who’d like to be help-ing the world

With my clever inventions. | Did I mention, I’ll be helping the world?

(Anne walks in).

Anne: Please don’t sing dear. It’s another thing you’re not very good at. Here, hold this. You know, for a so called genius, you really are rather… useless.

William: It’s just that… I mean…

Anne: …You can’t talk like that if you expect these important people to invest in this new, fandangle gizmo-whatsit. You need to be more confident… more… assertive…

William: …Assertive!

Anne: …Don’t butt in while I’m talking William. …Well, you have got something to say?

William: Well, actual…

Anne: …It’s just that, I can’t go on living like this. I’m a woman in my mid four…. In the prime of my life, and what have I got to show for it?

William: We’re got this!

Anne: “This?” “This” has cost us a fortune.

“This” …silly invention had better work… or else.

(There’s a knock on the door).

William: Oh, they're here.

Anne: Please don’t embarrass me.

(He opens the door. Four people are standing there).

William: Oh excellent, I'm so glad you could all make it.

Mr Hammer: Hello William. This is my boss, Mr Thomas E... My wife, Mrs Hammer, and Mr Westinghouse.

Mr Thomas: …Evening. Oh, thank you, madam.

(Mr Hammer, Mrs Hammer and Mr Westinghouse enter then stop in front of Anne).

Anne: Oh… I’ll just fetch the tea, shall I?

Mr Thomas: That’s a good girl!

(Anne exits)

Mr Hammer: So William, old chap, your telegraph message said you’ve had an epiphany.

Mrs Hammer: You poor fellow.

Mr Westinghouse: You know, there’s lots of money to be made with epiphanies.

William: Yes… indeed… lots of money… hopefully. This way please, if you will.

(They all gather around the small table. Anne returns and hands everybody a cup of tea from a tray).

William: Please, gather round… a little closer. I have something incredible to show you all. Ladies and gentlemen, this new invention of mine… with a little financial assistance… is going to change the world... for...

Mrs Hammer: …Excuse me, could I have some sugar, please.

Mr Westinghouse: Oh yes, could I have some too please. I’ve made a lot of money with… sugar.

William: Dear… dear… Mrs Sawyer… when you’ve finished… would you mind terribly just… plugging in the… please…

(She sighs and moves towards the side of the stage. She bends down and joins two power cords. Mr Thomas pays close attention to what she is doing).

William. Ladies and gentlemen… For the first time, right here… creating history… right before your eyes… Prepare to amazed and bedazzled… I give you… with a flick of this switch…

(He blows out the candle, and turns the light on)

The Incredible Automatic Electro-Current Incandescent Illuminator Device. Do not be alarmed, it will not hurt you.

Mr Westinghouse: So… what does it do?

William: Are you blind? It... illuminates things.

Mr Hammer: So, it's a... candle?

Mr Thomas: An “electric” candle!

Mr Westinghouse: Oh... Does it do anything else?

William: What do mean? It gives... “light!”

Mrs Hammer: Why don't you just call it a… "light"?

William: My dear woman, you do not call the Incredible Automatic Electro-Current
Incandescent Illuminator Device, a... “light!” And anyway, women do not name inventions.

Mr Thomas: You know… this will make somebody, a lot of money.

Mr Westinghouse: You know, I’ve made a lot of money with lots of money!

Mr Hammer: So how does it work?

William: Ar, well, an electrical current passes through a thin...

Mr Thomas: ...Carbon filament?

Mr Hammer: Didn't they just kill an elephant in New York using an electrical current?

William: Ar yes, powerful stuff.

Mr Westinghouse: That was Thomas Edison’s doing, wasn’t it?

Mr Hammer: I wouldn't trust that man as far as I could throw him.

Mr Thomas: Huh, either would I!

Mrs Hammer: Was the elephant attacking them?

Mr Thomas: No, it demonstrated the dangers of Alternating Current... Direct Current is much safer.

William: But...

Mr Thomas: …Much safer!

Mrs Hammer: So... “Electrical currents” could be used for protecting your home from wild elephants?

Mr Hammer: …And giraffes and hippopotami... Probably any wild African animal, actually.

Mrs Hammer: What about little puppies and my pussy?

Mr Hammer: No dear, I’m sure it’s quite safe on domesticated animals.

William: Look, that is not the point. You can now throw away your candles and use this... Isn't it amazing!

Mr Westinghouse: Throw away our candles? Good Lord man, I’ve made a lot of money selling candles!

Mr Thomas: Ar, how much is one of your... devices?

William: Um... It cost me... eleven...

Mrs Hammer: …Eleven cents?

William: Ar… not quite.

Mr Hammer: What? $11? Good Lord.

William: Um… it cost me… over $1100 to make this one, but I'm sure that...

Mr Hammer: …$1100, you're insane man.

William: Here, watch this…

(He begins to flick the switch to turn it on and off. Meanwhile, Mr Thomas slowly exits the stage following the power cord).

Off... On... Off... On... Off... On... Off... On... Off... O...

(The light stays off. He keeps trying to turn it back on, but it remains off. They are all in the dark. Suddenly, a match is struck and Mr Thomas lights a SMALL candle).

(Music begins. Mr Thomas sings)

The clever inventor | Think he’s gonna be changing the world

My intention | That invention | Did I mention, I’ll be taking it all

Don’t you trust me? | But you must see | How I’ll be raking in all of that

Money, money, money, MONEY

Where is the light? I see that it doesn’t turn on

Still dark as night. Oh dear, whatever went wrong?

It’s very sad | They think he’s mad

But the light won’t turn on

Where is the light? I see that it doesn’t turn on

Oh dear, whatever went wrong?

(Mr Thomas returns to the group).

Mr Thomas: My dear fellow, this… “incandescent… device” is both useless, and... worthless.

William: But it will make our lives so much better… Just imagine every home in the world using this… incredible, automatic…

Mrs Hammer: …Light?

Mr Hammer: You’d make millions!

Mr Thomas: Look, it doesn't even work. You've embarrassed us all, and... you're embarrassing
yourself. I suggest you destroy this... this... eye sore, immediately.

Mr Westinghouse: He’s right, there’s no money to be made in eye sores.

William: But... I worked so hard. (He picks up and shows the patent plans from the table). I'm sending these to the patent office in the morning.

Mr Thomas: Actually... (He begins to unscrew the bulb). I don't think you can be trusted to destroy it.
I think he’s gone quite insane. Just look at his “devil eyes!” (Everybody stares at William making him feel very uncomfortable).

Mr Hammer: It could be leprosy!

Mrs Hammer: Ooh, my poor man. Have you bit bitten by a leopard?

Mr Westinghouse: …Don’t touch him. Actually, he doesn’t even sound American!

Mr Hammer: A foreigner?

Mr Thomas: Probably a homosexual too!

Anne: He’s got a small penis!

William: Dear! What… I haven’t... I haven’t…

Mr Thomas: Look… I have a bright idea... I’ve a rather large furnace…

Anne: …How large exactly?

Mr Thomas: Madam, my chimney is quite impressive, both in girth and… in length!

Mr Thomas: Anyway, out of the goodness of my heart, I will take this... monstrosity away, and relieve you or your burden.

(Hands William the small candle and snatches the plans out of William’s hands).

Anne: Oh, you would do that for us? Dear, did you hear that?

William: You can't do that, it's...

Mr Thomas: …Think nothing of it. In fact, let’s all agree that this… “devilish, unamerican, homosexual… with a small penis” incident… never happened.

(Everybody shrugs then all nod, except for Mr Hammer who shakes his head and smiles).

Mr Thomas: I think we best go, and leave wee Willie to wallow in his self-pity.

Mr Westinghouse: Thanks again William, it's been...

Mr Hammer: …Enlightening!

Mr Westinghouse: Yes. Good evening.

(They all leave. Mr Hammer stops and whispers into Anne’s ear. She appears quite stunned. She closes the door and slowly walks back across to William).

William: I'm sorry dear. I embarrassed you in front of everybody, and I acted like a mad scientist.

William: What’s wrong?

Anne: …Mr… Thomas...

William: …What? What about him?

Anne: That was Mr Thomas… Edison.

William: Edison?! You mean, I just gave the most important invention in the world… EVER, to Thomas f##king Edison!

Anne: (Looking down at the power cords) Oh dear… Look, it wasn't broken... the plug was just pulled out!

William: That... (The candle burns out. Everything is black). …BASTARD!

(The lights raise one final time)

William: He’s a bastard – who took it all

He’s a bastard – I’d like to smash his face

Anne: He’s a bastard – Out to make a buck

He’s a bastard – Who doesn’t give a lot

Mr & Mrs Hammer, Mr Westinghouse: He’s a bastard – Gee, what a prick

He’s a bastard – With a massive chimney

All: He’s a bastard - He’s a bastard –

Mr Thomas: I’m a bastard – and I don’t care.

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