CHUCK (Looking up at Cindy) Are you su...

CHUCK

(Looking up at Cindy) Are you sure you want to put that body out of commission?

MIKE

It is a shame, isn’t it? You know she was almost worth it. She is one of the best I’ve ever had. I’ll give her that. In a way, it’s my own fault. I never should have introduced her to Rob. I should have known she’d sleep with him. She’ll screw anyone who can help her career. That’s why she screwed me -- just to get to Rob. She told me once she’d do anything to get a position in a nightclub like this.

CHUCK

I wonder which position got her this position.

MIKE

After tonight she’ll only be in one position - on her back permanently. And her tombstone will read:

You got where you are by being such a slut,
Though you were one hell of a screw.
I hope that the end justifies the means.
And Cindy, was it good for you?

CHUCK

Just let me have one shot at her first.

MIKE

No! I have to do this tonight. With Rob and Heidi on vacation, the only ones here who know me are the waitress and the cleaning lady, and now that I’m not performing here any more, the cleaning lady doesn’t come in until the show’s almost over, and we’ll be long gone by then.

CHUCK

What about the waitress?

MIKE

Sandy’s cool. She’s my buddy. Besides, she hates Cindy just as much as I do, especially for screwing her way into my job. Sandy loved my act. (Thinks to himself and laughs.) You know, she actually said to me once, “I love that little jack-in-the-box of yours. It’s so funny when he pops up just at the right times. He’s a killer!”

NICK

Out of the mouths of babes.

MIKE

Yeah. She had no idea she was making a prophecy. But then, neither did I at the time.

CHUCK

How do you know Cindy will turn the crank when she sees it on her dressing table?

MIKE

She was once one of Jack’s biggest fans. Don’t worry. She’ll crank him open. Are you sure you put enough of that stuff in there?

NICK

There’s enough gas in there to take out Godzilla.

MIKE

As long as it doesn’t just knock her out.

NICK

Hey, you hired me to do a job. I’ve been a chemist long enough to know how much gas I need for a lethal dose.

SANDY enters with drinks for Mike’s table.

SANDY

Here you go, guys. That’s one beer, one scotch rocks, and one rum and coke.

MIKE

Thanks, Sandy. We’re gonna run a tab, OK?

SANDY

Great! See you in a bit. (Exits.)

MIKE

Here’s to the sweet smell of revenge. (MIKE, CHUCK, and NICK click glasses.) God, look at that slut. Take away the body, the face, the hair, and the voice and what have you got?

CHUCK

Give me an hour with her and I’ll let you know.

MIKE

All right, granted, she’s definitely great to look at, but that’s it. Besides, she knows it. She’s so in love with herself. She doesn’t even play to the audience. Look at her. She looks bored, lifeless.

CHUCK

Which she soon will be.

NICK

Yeah. (Mimics shooting Cindy.) She’s one dead singer.

CHUCK

(In a British accent.) She’s not dead. She’s resting.

NICK

(In a British accent.) She is dead. She’s bleeding demised. She’s passed on. This singer is no more.

CHUCK AND NICK

This is an ex-singer.

MIKE

Would you assholes knock it off. I’m sweating bullets over here and you’re making jokes. I mean I’m really taking a risk here tonight. Everybody’s going to know who did it. Jack Attack has been my sidekick for years and everybody here knows him. And even if by some major miracle I do manage to pull this off without getting caught, I’ll never be able to use Jack again. The way you had to rig the gas in there, I’m afraid it’s gonna do him in as well as Cindy.

NICK

Yeah, but what a way to go. You said Jack Attack was famous for his sarcasm and insults. Well, this will be Jack’s monumental attack, his finest hour, his grand finale.

CHUCK

Man, I hope this is worth it to you. If you get caught, you’ll be in for 20 years.

MIKE

Wait a minute. Are you forgetting someone? Your friend, Nick, got the gas and put it in there for me, remember?

CHUCK

That’s right. We’re all in this together.

MIKE

Why you? You didn’t do anything. I don’t even know you.

CHUCK

Hey, I can be an accomplice if I want to. Why should I get left out?

NICK

That’s right. He’s with me. So like he said, we’re all in this together.

MIKE

God damn it! Why does she still turn me on?

CHUCK

Great legs, great ass, great tits, great hair.

MIKE

That must be it.

CHUCK

You’d better hurry, man. If her sets are 30 minutes, you don’t have much time.

MIKE

Yeah, you’re right. Okay, Cindy, and now for something completely different.

MIKE picks up his bag and exits stage left, passing Donna as she enters and returns to her seat.